Monday, November 19, 2012

How was your weekend? Mine involved laxatives and Comet.

Yo, bitches.

So yeah, my weekend was shitty. Which *ha* didn't involve as much shit as it absolutely should have. You may remember from last week that I was supposed to do the whole poop clean out of Olivia. Poor kid. So on Friday I make the trip to Target and purchase what I figured I needed.
Operation Poop Fest 2012 started bright and early on Saturday morning. Thankfully Olivia was a damn good sport about it and she knew going in that it was going to involve a lot of liquids and playing Barbies while on the toilet. She did alright for the most part but as you can imagine, but dinner time she was pretty much over it. I could go hour by hour with you and detail every thing that it involved but I think by giving you a one sentence statement, it sums it up:

Nine mega doses of laxatives, ginger tea, running around the yard and a really long and warm bath = one poop the size of a chicken nugget.

All day, bitches. ALL DAY I waited for poop and poop did not come. Honestly, but 4 in the afternoon my anxiety went through the roof. I was really starting to get scared thinking this girl is going to blow. It's going to be a scene just like in the movie Bridesmaids and it wasn't going to be pretty. Matt was working so I'm on my own, and I really don't do well with poop or puke.

Fun fact: when I get anxious, stressed out, or generally down on life only two things make me happy: shopping and cleaning. Since I couldn't leave to shop and I have no money, I opted to clean. So my fridge got totally scrubbed down.
 Even the light bulbs were washed. I love me some cleaning.
Matt says only freaks line their condiments like this and I feel he is wrong.

So after cleaning my fridge and feeling less anxious, we had dinner. She didn't eat much so I'm thinking this is a good sign, right? Wrong. Nothing happens. We do another bath, I give her a massage, we do jumping jacks, nothing.

Nothing happens.

How is it even fucking possible to have 3/4 of a bottle of Miralax and not poop? Huh? How is that possible, people???

So then my fear of course is that during the night her body will relax and it will be like Lake Poop in her room in the morning. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. I seriously would have run away for sure.

Sunday she gets more Miralax. No poop at all. Today she gets more Miralax, she poops some but it's mostly just brown watery stuff but no real chunks. I don't know what to think about it at this point. I called the 24/7 nurse at the hospital she went to last Tuesday and they basically told me to just keep doing it. But for how long? At what point does she have an unsafe amount of laxative in her? As it turns out, nobody had any idea and just told me to be patient. Well, you try being patient while waiting for your daughter's ass to explode with shit and then tell me how you're feeling.



Anonymous said...

Holy pooping cow! I can't even wrap my brain around two things: first, that you have to go through this. It fucking sucks ass. And second, that poop little Olivia is literally full of shit. I hate to imagine how she feels. I feel so bad for both her and you.

I also hate to say this, but just keep us posted.


Anonymous said...

Oh, and by the way.....TOTALLY not weird that you line up your condiments like that because SO DO I!!!!!

I think we were separated at birth.

kimberrleigh said...

I don't know how safe it is to do on a child, but from what I've been reading on juice cleanses/cleanses... that makes you explode like a mo*fo.
It may not be good (some are only 1 day, 3 day or 7 day cleanses) for a growing child, so you'd probably have to talk to her doctor but that may be an option.

Butt explosions. Terrible, but I would laugh hysterically. And then hire someone to clean it all up.

Jennifer Kay said...

Brown non-chunky water... my God dude. I'm sure everyone and their grandma has given you advice but what about Grape Nuts, Shredded Wheat, Fiber One bars, that kind of stuff makes poop fast in this household. :)

Wishing you luck and POOP!

Shirley said...

Ask your medical people about fecal impaction. Sometimes poop gets so hard and dry that it needs to be digitally removed.

Seana said...

I know it's horrible, but I couldn't help but laugh all the way through your entry! Not because of your poor girl up to her eyeballs in laxatives, or the inevitable poop volcano that will eventually come, but because of your descriptions.. It's either laugh or cry at this point, right?

As for the lining up of condiments, you're not alone! I do it as well, and also alphabetize them.. how crazy does that make me?


Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

Matt is a fun hater. I organize my condiments by type AND I line them up.

Side note: I only poop like twice a week. Have my entire life. I'm perfectly healthy according to the doctor.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I'm sure the fact that she hasn't gone isn't a bad is true that some only poop a few times a week. the fact that the miralax isn't helping is weird, though. Hope today was better in that regard. No fun to have to worry about this on thanksgiving. Poor girl. :(


Ruth said...

I am a freak condiment style.
My husband sticks them wherever, he leaves and I move them to where they SHOULD go.
I figured they would have cleaned her out with an enema when they discovered she was so full of poop. They did that to my daughter once. But, that was the ER.
Maybe she needs something else. Different things work for different people.
I agree with Shirley about possible impaction.
Poor girl.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what possessed me, but I came back and re-read what I commented on and realized that I made the weirdest, just most appropriate type ever.

I meant to type "poor" Olivia, but I types "poop" Olivia.

Fucken weird.

Unknown said...

coffee ensures that I have horrible diarrhea in about 5 minutes...but it's dehydrating. I wonder if her body is doing this in response to a food sensitivity

Julie H said...

Crazy. So any update on this? Is she still getting pumped full of it? Maybe she needs a different kind? Sounds so stressful.

I organize the condiments too although I haven't scrubbed down the fridge lately. That usually happens when we are out of food lol.