Monday, November 18, 2013

What am I not seeing?

Do you remember when I mentioned going back to school? If you don't, that means you are not paying attention and shame on you. Click on that link and catch up with the rest of us.


So I did what you all told me to do- I called. As it turns out, getting my B.A. in English is not going to happen unless I can take 100% on campus classes, which is all during the day, and not possible. So that sucks. It sucks hard. But, there is a "newly minted" distance learning program for Writing as a B.A. program. Fate? Maybe. I need to come up with money to fill out my application, I need to get my transcripts transferred, and I need to fill out the financial aid information. Then hope for the best.

People keep asking me what do I want to do with my degree and why do I have to do anything with it? I have always had a goal to get at least a Bachelor's in something, and that's what I want to do. It doesn't mean I'm going to look for another job, but it would be nice if I could freelance on the side for extra income?

I won't lie though. I'm scared. I am really doubting my ability. Ever since I posted that original post I have had nothing but kick ass, positive, you go girl emails, messages and comments. All of you seem to see something I do not. I've been told I would kick the ass out of any program and I don't think I will. I was never really smart. I think I just looked smart because I didn't talk like an airhead, I wasn't chasing boys, and I was sober. I mean, anyone looks smart under those circumstances. I like school, don't get me wrong. I really enjoy learning and doing school work. I'm not worried about that.

I'm worried about my ability. I can blog, but can I write? I feel like what I would need to get through an intensive program like this is beyond my ability. I'm really nervous that I'm going to get there, I'll write a paper and be told it's absolute crap. Because if we're being honest? I have never had to write a college level paper. I have never had to work at a class. I'm just worried I'm going to get spanked and shocked into reality and struggle. I don't know what people are seeing in me or my ability that I'm not. It's flattering to have all of this support but at the same time, I don't understand it. What am I missing?

I feel like I am being really irrational, but legitimately- I'm panicking. I'm excited. I really want to just go full bore and do it. Matt has already said at this point, it's clear I want to try it and he doesn't care the cost and if I have to do loans only, we'll work it out. Which is great. It's as close to support as I will get from him and that's OK. But at this point, it looks like I will be a Fall 2014 start. If all goes right. And I don't chicken out.


Unknown said...

I felt the exact same before I started college, and it wasn't bad at all. I thought I'd suck at English classes, and got a 4.0. Stress not...

middle child said...

You know anxiety is normal. And it is probably easier when you just roll into college right from high school.
Having said that...I doubt anyone just breezes through college, well except for those 12 year old Geniuses..
You have to accept that you may have failures. It is then that you have to be strong. And try again. All you can do is your best. And if you don't at least try to go to might be something you will regret later in life.

Steff said...

You will TOTALLY get spanked and you will TOTALLY be shocked, but you can get through it. A lot of college classes are simple and easy, but a lot can also be insanely hard. But once you're through it? Holy damn, it's awesome. Going into it with the attitude that it will be hard is a good one. :) Like I said, you can totally get through it and you'll do awesome. In college you start off taking the 'easier' classes and you build up to the hard ones. It's not like you need to write graduate level papers your first semester! They will teach you what you need to write great papers, which is why you're going to college.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

The first college paper is the hardest. The teacher will no doubt shred it but will also tell you what is needed. From there, once you have specific knowledge of what is needed, it gets much easier.

I have a Bachelors in Journalism.

I've never held a journalism related job a day in my life. I look at liberal arts degrees as a way of telling employers I have a well rounded grounding in a variety of things and proof that I can take direction well and finish what I start. Which is what most employers want anyway.

Unknown said...

Don't be afraid that it will be difficult, you need to acknowledge upfront that it WILL be. That is ok. You are great writer and that will help you, but it certainly doesn't mean you will sail through everything. I'm a smart cookie (no eye-rolling)and it is hard, but if you want it bad enough, you will make it happen. So in short, what you are missing, is the reality of "it will be hard". I still stand by my belief that you CAN DO IT SARA!!

Unknown said...

Beware the 'blogger vs writer' talk. I took a writing class for laughs about a year ago, and made the mistake of mentioning I was a blogger. The next week, the teacher took post after post of mine, and the class picked it apart into oblivion.

I was told an autistic 3rd grader could communicate better than my blog did.

But everyone agreed that professor was an asshole, so there's that.