Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I wouldn't turn down a romance novel marriage.

I think I speak for a lot of women when I say sometimes, no matter how much you love your spouse, you hit a rut. Sometimes it's because things get busy, and sometimes you just get lazy. My marriage is no different. We hit really awesome days where I think we've finally figured it out and then he does something that reminds me that oh yes, I'm not living in a romance novel.

And is that so hard to ask?

I kind of hate it when guys flat out tell you that they aren't romantic as if that should let you know, nicely, to give up your dream of romance. If a woman flat out told a guy in the beginning that she doesn't cook, end of story- do you think that guy would look at her as an eligible life partner? Probably not, be honest. I don't like to cook either but I know that Matt likes when we eat at home and so I make a real effort to make that happen for him regardless of how tired I am. I'm not asking for flowers and extravagant things. I'm also not saying that spontaneous flowers or a new purse wouldn't be appreciated because they would be. I would like it if my husband planned a date night without me knowing anything about it in advance. Doesn't ask me to arrange a babysitter, just has it all done and tells me to get my jacket because we're going. That would be kind of great.

Another thing in romance novels that I am admittedly jealous of, and yes I realize I'm jealous of fiction, is how much the man adores the woman. I mean, really adores her. You know right from the gate that he would do anything for her. He'd move mountains to make her feel like the best thing that's ever happened to him. He tells her how beautiful she is, tells her what he loves about her and essentially worships her body. I mean, who wouldn't love that? I tell Matt all of the time that when I hear, "you look nice today" it rolls right out the other ear because great, I look nice. I remember days when he would come home, literally sweep me off my feet and tell me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. It wasn't every day and it always took me by surprise and it made me feel like the sexiest woman ever. Because I really believed he loved me and was attracted to me. I can't even tell you when the last time that was, certainly before I even had Olivia. Which then brings all of these insecurities like, I know I'm a bit squishier since kids so does that mean I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world to him??

I know as a woman, I can't rely on a guy to make me feel attractive. I really need to do my part in making sure I feel good about myself. I feel I do that. I try to keep my diet in check, I've been working out, and anytime I do these things together I do feel good about myself. I feel happier, I feel lighter, and I feel a lot like my old self where I was just this cute bubble of happiness. At the same time, I think husbands/partners/whatevers need to do their part too. You have to be a moron if you don't know the areas that your spouse is self conscious about. You can make her feel like she's the prettiest thing in the world. It wouldn't kill you to spend a little extra time making sure your spouse feels like the luckiest girl in the world to be in bed with you versus an extra on a porn set.

I'm just saying, that's all.

It's kind of frustrating to feel like I'm always putting forth a whole bunch of effort, even though I am exhausted, and I just get back the bare minimum. I know there are marriages with real problems in them, and ours was one of them, but man- I can't help but think a lot of those issues could be fixed if both partners spent some time actually trying to actively woo their spouse.

But then this whole thing led to a conversation about this is why so many people choose open marriages versus conventional marriage- they find partners that meet their needs. Um, no. That seems like far more work than it's worth. The thought of having to manage more than one guy? Are you kidding me? No. This might work better for men who basically want different flavors of sex but this would absolutely not work for me. I just can't even imagine it working and not ruining what I do have with Matt. Or maybe I'm just super naive in that aspect, I don't know.

I just know that at the end of the day, I wouldn't turn down living in a romance novel. Especially if he had bulging arms muscles (I might have a thing about arms) and needs to be emotionally rescued. Bing, bing, bing I'm your girl!!


Shirley said...

I think when women consider an open relationship it's because they want to experience that "new car smell" again. I mean isn't that what usually goes wrong in relationships to begin with. We start taking each other for granted. We stop trying to woo each other because we already have each other and wooing takes a lot of energy. It's fucking shitty and sometimes I would like to live a romance novel like Chris actually goes by the name Rule but sadly that's not my reality. And I don't really know how to tell him that I want the romance without it becoming just another thing on my list that I have to plan.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I know a couple in an open marriage and it's mostly about shared interests. She is really into outdoor sports and while her DH tries and has spent years trying, he's a stay on the porch and have a beer sort. Her other guys is a 'lets go snowboarding, let's go hiking, lets go jet skiing' type. She and her DH share other interests, like books and religious studies and fanatical devotion to watching college basketball. His other woman is an awesome cook while his wife only cooks because she is into 'pure eating' and has to. There are a bunch of different needs being fulfilled by these 4. It seems to work for them.

I'm all for the idea in theory. But I don't know how it would work for me & Brad. I can't really think of any needs that I have that can't be filled by just a good friendship.

Julie H said...

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that only exists in novels. It all sounds nice but honestly just getting a "you look nice" hardly ever happens around here. I think that's why I don't really like to read romance novels anymore. They kind of make you feel dissatisfied with what you have when really maybe his way of showing how much he loves you is by him working 70 hours a week.