Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Proof I've got the crazy.

Have I ever mentioned how incredibly fun my friends are? I know I have. Anyways. I also love the great chats we have, and then it always ends up with them telling me I'm nuts. Like officially odd.

The other night I was chatting on Facebook with a friend about dating (she's single and looking to mingle) and I said I had a list of must have's when I was dating. It obviously included being employed and showering on the regular, but there were a few others that are important, for me, in a mate. They include:

1. Feet. Dude, you have to have nice feet. You can ask Matt and he'll tell you that on our very first date I made him take off his socks. If you have jacked up feet, it's going nowhere. I will check out right there and just have a nice life. Fortunately for him, his toes are not weird shaped, they were clean, nails trimmed, not too much hair and they weren't all veiny. I don't like a guy with a lot of sticking out veins in his feet. It's just weird.

2. Bathroom Cleanliness. I feel like if a guy can't clean his bathroom, what else isn't he cleaning? If you catch my drift. AHEM. So when Matt and I were on our second date (more on why I didn't inspect this on date night #1), I had to inspect the bathroom. Granted, he lived in a shared house with a bunch of guys so obviously some leeway needs to be given. And thank god for that because that was gross. It wasn't the porn everywhere that set me off it was the fact the floor was sticky and there was an odor. And not the smell of actual shit, but something else. I never did figure it out but it wasn't worth thinking that hard about it. Matt's room was super neat and tidy, so I gave him the benefit of doubt.

3. The way you fold a towel. Friends, there is a right way and a wrong way. If your edges aren't lined up and your towels are wrinkle free? I'm going to break up with you. I also like my towels on the shelf so the rounded side is showing, not where you can see the folds.

4. First date. One thing you'll know about me when you meet me is that I am not a pretentious person. I get uncomfortable at fancy restaurants, I don't know what to do when someone takes my coat or pours my drink, it's just not who I am. I like mom and pop places, I like doing nothing, and I like adventure. So first dates are important. You can really fuck it all up on that one date which seems like a lot of pressure. It also sets the tone of the relationship. If you go all out, you better not get lazy. I mean, you can start lazy and do nice things as a bonus, but to go backwards is not cool.

5. Teeth. DUDES. Teeth are important. It might not make a difference to you, but it does to people you plan to kiss. I've kissed guys with missing teeth (not ideal), and those with teeth so turned it's really hard to navigate. Matt had nice teeth. He has one tooth a little crooked but it's doable. It doesn't feel weird.

So anyways. There is obviously a lot more. But I also have to tell you why I saw the bathroom on the day after and you'll be impressed that I did not slut it up! I didn't! I really didn't!

Matt and I knew each other, kind of, because he worked at the same place my mom did. I would visit my mom in between jobs/school and if Matt was there I'd give doe eyes and laugh like a maniac because he was kind of gorgeous. And of the guys I had dated, he had the most going for him. I was single, ready to mingle, mostly wanted a make out partner, and he seemed interested. So out of the blue, he asks me if I want to hang out on a Sunday.

I practically screamed yes. It was embarrassing. My face turned red, my mom looked at me like I was a mess and he just was like, "Cool. I'll pick you up or something." All no big deal, we exchange numbers, and I'm fairly certain I squealed like a pig after he left.

Let's be honest, he probably heard me squeal.

So fast forward to that Sunday. It was January 14, 2002. It was freezing. I don't even remember what I wore, but he said we weren't doing much. So I'm pretty sure I wore a sweater with some jeans. Who knows. We go to his house that he lived in with other guys. At the time, we were alone. We start watching Pearl Harbor. TERRIBLE movie plot wise. TERRIFIC movie to make out to. So after like an hour on this couch with our jackets on, because I was informed they weren't turning the heat on to save money so to keep my jacket on, he totally made a move. After an hour. I was dying. Like legitimately dying but I was not going to be a slut. He still had to work with my mom, it could have been awkward.

We then make out for the rest of the movie which was literally two hours, I'm sure. I make note that he is a really great kisser. He apparently likes my boobs and is just helping himself and I honestly don't care at this point.

Then roommates came home and BUZZ KILL.

I then end up watching The Fast & The Furious with a bunch of guys. No making out happens. After that movie, Matt says we can go upstairs. Oh! No! We went to Subway. He orders a sandwich, I get nothing. Mostly because I had gotten all nervous and didn't want to throw up later. I mean, you can't throw up pretty on a first date.

So after that, we go back to his house, and as he's taking his shoes off- I explain that I have to see his feet. Clearly, he looked at me like I was a loon. BUT, he totally did it. He looked relieved when I said they would do. He proceeds to turn on Star Wars. I immediately fell asleep because LAME. I then sleep the entire night. I knew he was a keeper when I woke up, absolutely mortified and without a clear understanding of what had happened, and I saw a note that said,

"I'm on the couch. Not a fan of Star Wars? Wake me up when you get up and I'll make sure you get home. PS- I went to bed with a hard on. Date 2?"


Win on everything.

You god damn right, date 2.

That note made up for the horror smell in the bathroom.

And that? That was history. So next week we will have been together 12 years. That is insane to me.


Julie H said...

LOL what a love story!

justme5686 said...

Fact checker:

So fast forward to that Sunday. It was January 14, 2012. It was freezing.

Double check that one, girlfriend.

Also, you'd date me if I was a dude just in case you were wondering.

Unknown said...

HAHA! Great first date! Go Matt!

And yes. Yes, you absolutely have the crazy because that list? It's crazy.