Monday, February 10, 2014

Ignorance really is bliss.

I think I have a few blog posts with this title, but really. Ignorance can be such a blissful thing. So last Thursday I had a doctor's appointment. It was all based around the blinding pain in my sinus, my jacked up ankle, and scary looking freckles.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that this song played on my way there:

Because that appointment? Was pretty god damn sobering, people. Let us recap it together:

1. My face? Yes. That's bad. She kept referring to me as "special" but quickly following that up with, "and you don't want to be special". She must have said that three or four times. Basically, my sinus should be non-functioning. It's there but it doesn't do anything. I had surgery years ago to basically clear out the infection from a broken nose (read it all here). It was a really horrific surgery and an even more horrific recovery. I would burst forth 100 children from my vagina with no medication before I willingly do this again. But alas, it's in pain and that means something is wrong. So it's being treated with a really heavy duty anti-biotic that makes me vomit and feel the worst. If this doesn't work, it's off to an ENT specialist complete with a CAT-scan and the realization that I will likely need surgery.

2. My ankle? Jacked up. She definitely things I have a severe sprain and possibly, just maybe, I have cracked the inside ball of my ankle. But where it is makes it so that I can't really do much about it. Basically ice it, wrap it, and hope for the best.

3. Scary freckles?  Yup, no good. After my mom's skin cancer issues this summer I'm terrified. I now have a referral appointment in June and I just hope nothing changes before then. I don't care what you think, tanning is bad for you. After seeing my mom recover from skin grafts and the aftermath? It's not worth it. Your couple of days/weeks with darker skin isn't worth it. Don't let vanity kill you because that's what you're doing. It amazes me how concerned people are about what they put in their bodies with food but they'll bake their skin away without a second thought.

The most alarming thing from my appointment? My blood pressure. I was at 146/91 and I felt great. Incredibly calm, relaxed, the whole bit. God knows what I'm at when I'm having a bad day. But she sat me down and it hasn't gotten better in six months. She doesn't know that, but I do. My OB told me in June that things were bad and I was 138/86 then.

Normally, people just make some changes and things get better. For me, I live in this constant state knowing full well I'm going to get cancer. It'll be skin, ovarian, or breast at least. Maybe a brain tumor. It's terrible to know I'm a time bomb waiting to happen. I feel like I'm prepared for that although I know that when I get that information I'll be a mess. But to now hear I'm a prime candidate for a heart attack and I'll only be 32 in March??

It's sobering and terrifying.

Because that could happen any time. It could happen in my sleep and I might not ever know.

So after some internet research, the two things I can do are cutting my caffeine and eating better. Every thing on that list otherwise are things I don't do anyways or I have managed. So the caffeine is rough, but do-able. The diet? Oh god. I'm like three days in and I hate it. I hate fruits, I hate vegetables. I hate shakes and smoothies, I'm really struggling. It's not just a matter of if I eat it enough I'll learn to like it. I am having a hard time physically ingesting it. I swear to you it's like a mental thing that makes it really hard to just eat a strawberry. I can't even explain to you what goes through my head but it's awful. I normally joke about it and my friends laugh and think I'm nuts and maybe I am. But unless they can give me a medication that makes me not care what I eat, then I don't know what I'm going to do.


Kattrina said...

Oh no, that's scary! It also can't be fun walking around thinking you're a time bomb. You should try and relax about that - you know how life gets you when you're not expecting it. You'll be so worried about cancer that you'll die of something else completely and you'll have wasted all those minutes worrying about something else. Growing up I felt like I was going to have heart disease and diabetes because it was so rampant in my family but then my mom and I made a pact to "beat our genes" and try really hard not to go in that direction - and so far we have been successful. My mom is the only one in her family without high cholesterol, hypertension, and diabetes. I think you can get your blood pressure to lower - continue exercising (start running again!!!) and eat healthier. I hate vegetables too - but I force myself to eat them anyway. I make a lot of food from Skinny Taste (a blog) and EVERYTHING I've made from there is so good and healthy and easy to make. Plus, my husband likes it. I also found it was easier to focus on one thing a week - like incorporate fruit in every meal for a week, then the next week incorporate a veggie at one meal (if that's the hardest), and the next week only eat french fries once, etc. You can do it!!!! I promise!!!!

Ruth said...

Sorry things don't look so great, healthwise.
Chia seeds or ground flax can help with blood pressure.
My niece is like you and vegetable so it isn't always easy when making her food.
Lots of people don't think it's healthy to dip veggies or put cheese on it. But, you are still getting the vitamins from the veggies so I think it counts. And some veggies need some fats to help absorb the vitamins.
I hope your ankle heals. I got a hairline fracture on mine years ago.
I hope you don't have skin cancer.