Tuesday, August 5, 2014

To be and do, or not be and do.

Lambs, life is hard. I wish I had really listened to grown up's when they told me life was going to be really super hard and mostly not fun. And that I couldn't eat all of the ice cream I wanted because it's not the upset stomach you should be worried about, it's your hips not fitting into your pants. I'll take a stomach ache over having to get creative on how to get into my pants.

As of right now, life is just... it's full of big decisions and things that require so much thought and I'm terrified I'm going to do the wrong thing. I can't think of a time in my life where I was so indecisive and just stuck. I don't like the outcomes either way for any decision. I mean, nobody tells you that could happen as an adult. So here are the tough things on our plate right now.

I literally have until tomorrow to seriously decide do I go back and pursue my Bachelor's or not. Yes, I'm all signed up for a full credit load. Yes, I still really want to do it. No, I don't want the debt but I also can't pay for it right now. Yes, I'm aware the degree will be basically meaningless and it's not like any job I could get with it would pay that loan back in a decent amount of time.

Seriously, I want one. I want one every day. Except for those few hours of clarity when I'm like, what the hell am I even thinking? We can't have a BABY. We have an almost 9 and 6 1/2 year old. What the hell, that would be dumb. We're out of practice, we have nothing, we really enjoy sleeping in, it's nice to not be on breakfast duty any more, we're an even number when we have to split up, we can do fun road trips whereas babies make that harder. Then I get to the point where I resign myself that no, no more babies and that's when the sadness creeps in and I think, BUT... now is my moment. If I want one, I can do and I can do it now. I'm not too old, Matt's totally wanting a third, and I try to remember how hard I wanted a third before and and then.... then I go back to thinking I'm dumb for even considering this. It's so stressful. It's not like I can turn to Matt, we flip flop on opposite schedules. Either decision feels wrong. I mean, what do you even do with that??

This is the worst. We really need more income coming in, at least temporarily. Matt is working like a crazy person. It's Tuesday, and he has 24 hours of work done for this week. He estimates by Friday he'll have clocked in 60 hours and he has to go in on Saturday for awhile. He's trying hard to stay home on Sunday. But we have a lot of medical bills coming in from my surgery and my earlier pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Olivia definitely needs braces, and we just need to get back on our feet. I have another part time job lined up to start on the 18th. Which is insane because at least for my first three weeks, I'm required to log in 20 hours there. Normally not a big deal but that is also when it gets BUSY at my other job and I'll be pushing almost 40 hours there for at least one of those weeks and the other two it's about 30 hours. I'm going to be exhausted. And I'm trying to remain positive that it's only temporary and this will pay things down faster, but still. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it all.

I just wish everything wasn't such a damn battle. I'm fine with having battles, that is just part of life's course, I just wish a few things came easy and fell right into place. It seems like nothing is that way and it's hard. It's getting harder to keep trudging along, you know?


Unknown said...

I definitely don't envy you lady. As far as the college/money thing goes, I'm a HUGE advocate for higher education but I'm a bigger advocate for no more debt. While I can afford it, I don't wish student loan debt on anyone. It sucks and I could be traveling SO much more if I didn't have a $700/mo student loan payment. Even typing that makes me gag. Also, I really need more money too but getting a second job just won't work for me, as much as I want it to. I'm trying so hard at work to be awesome and get a promotion and subsequently a raise, but that takes time because corporate politics is a thing.

On the baby side, you know I'm not a huge fan of kids. And how you described it the honest to God logical side of things is you really shouldn't have another one. Which I know you know this, and coming from someone who is childless probably sounds harsh. But I get it. My cousin is starting to try to have a baby and a friend is just about to pop. Even though I really don't want kids, my uterus still aches whenever I see the FB posts and I go baby shower shopping. The clothes and toys and even sometimes the baby itself is adorable but it isn't just that. That's like 10% and all the other bullcrap (in my opinion) doesn't make the 10% worth it. I dunno.

Again, I don't envy you. Life really does suck as an adult. :(


Unknown said...

dude i get this. i hate my job. i have most of a masters degree and i am working a crap job. it sucks. i hate it everyday. BUT i know, that at the end of this year we should be debt free and I can have some medical issues taken care of.
then i can worry about getting a good job and moving or having a baby.

for me, i would think on getting the debt fixed. you can always do school or have a baby in 6 months/in the spring. anytime mike and I have tried to do something before we finished fixing the previous issues, it blows up in our face.

Ruth said...

Sometimes adulthood sucks. Freedom to do what you want it nice, but having to make decisions-BIG ones-suck. My daughter will graduate HS next May and does not want to because that means she has to start doing stuff that she doesn't feel ready for.
The older I get, the more I feel that in many things there is no right or wrong way to go. You just choose and things will work out. It might be a little harder, but it might not be as hard as you think.
My oldest sister had a son when her youngest daughter was 10 and another friend of mine had another kid when her youngest was 8.