Sunday, November 16, 2014

Someday I won't be plagued by anxiety, right?

I'm sorry I've been kind of missing in action this last week. I swear once I get a few things off my plate I'll be able to sit and just let it all out and talk about the things happening right now.

Largely, the biggest one I've got going on that I'm juggling is that I start a new job tomorrow. I'm going to be the library assistant at my kids' school which is equal parts terrifying and exciting. I'm scared mostly because I haven't ever worked in a library before and I have zero knowledge of it. Well, the only knowledge I have is that I go to the library myself quite a bit but it's not like I have to ever search for something, I basically just grab what looks interesting. Here, I'll have to help kids find the book they are looking for with very vague descriptions.

Should be a total breeze.

My plan had been to work both that job and my job at the college bookstore, at least until the baby was born in May. After that, I'd likely have to give up at least one, and it would probably have been the college job only because I don't have a regular shift, and it often requires me to work an open-close shift and from the few day care centers I've called in town, most of them laughed at me when I asked if this kind of schedule would be possible for child care.

And I get it, it's a nightmare schedule. Which was OK for us for awhile, but the more I try to map it out, the less possible it was becoming. And Matt has been pressuring me for a few weeks to get rid of the job for a few reasons and I couldn't. I couldn't because I actually love the job I did. I love the tedious stuff, I love shelving books, I love returning books, I love interacting with the students, I loved merchandising and trying different ways to get people into the door for sales, I loved my boss, I loved my co-workers, there's just a lot of things I really loved about that place. But once I got my schedule for the school, it's not workable with my other job and I left on Thursday feeling like the worst person in the world because I knew someone was going to get the shaft because I can't do it all.

So on Friday, I put my notice in at the college. I almost vomited when I did because I'm terrified. I'm scared this isn't the right decision though everyone says it is and my gut tells me it'll be OK. I'm scared I won't do well at the new job and they'll not want me back. I'm scared I won't be able to find affordable child care in the fall so I could go back to work.

It's obvious this is just a thing I have inherited from my mother- I can't make a decision without feeling absolutely sick about it for days. I still feel sick about it. I think mostly because I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel like nothing I do is right anymore, I feel like nobody really understands what a crap spot I'm in right now. I'm stressed out and I'm sad. I just want to be happy, to enjoy my life right now and be excited about a baby on the way, and I feel like none of that is happening because everyone looks at it like inconvenience to them. And that's not even work related, that's just everything related.

So that's where I'm at. The next two weeks are going to be emotional for me, I have my 16 week checkup on Friday, I'm going to be overwhelmed learning something new and saying goodbye to something I love, and then in the middle of it all, I'm trying to make Christmas as stress free as possible. Which is quickly proving to be a total joke.


Anonymous said...

You're very good! I really like your blog :)

Unknown said...

how did the new job work out?