Saturday, December 6, 2014

Life has calmed down... a bit.

So this week marked the first week where I am officially not working at the college anymore. I'll be honest, it's been really bittersweet. Part of me is really sad to go because I loved that job. I think it's really scary to leave anything that you really love because anything else is just uncertain. What I do know about me is that while I freak out and stress out quite a bit beforehand, I look back at my life and I'm really not afraid to make big leaps. At the time I think I am, I don't have confidence, but looking back, I've really made some huge decisions that most people don't do.

And I've always come out OK. It maybe doesn't turn out the way I think it will, but I'm never worse off.

So that was the sentiment I had going through my head as I finished out my last days. And I felt confident I was leaving it better than when I came. I felt like the person who takes over my spot will be OK because it certainly was a fun job, my supervisor was amazing, and I left some really good notes that I hope helps them feel like they made the right choice taking that job.

Why did I leave? It's hard to really pinpoint it, I guess. It was a lot of little things. Some things I felt weren't done right, that I wished had turned out differently. I fully understand things change but there is a right way and a wrong way to bring that about, and I feel like that wasn't really done. I also felt like there wasn't anywhere else for me to go, that I had hit basically the ceiling of what I could do there. And that was kind of a tough conversation to have with myself because one thing about me is that sometimes I'll stay in denial about something for a little too long.

So now I'm working at my kids' school and it's been a challenge. A good one, for sure. I can't say that I have ever worked in a library and I'll be honest, I figured it was easy peasy. As it turns out, it's actually really difficult. I thought I was pretty tech savvy, as it turns out, I am not. I'm learning something new every day and that's been fun. I'm interacting with kids, I get to see them blossom in front of me, I get to challenge them to do better. I get to help a kid find a new book, and I can't say that I have had two similar days, at all. Nothing is ever the same, and that is so not what I'm used to at all so I'm trying to not be so rigid with a schedule in some aspects, yet bring schedule and order to others because it would be valuable. So I don't know. I think I can make some positive changes there and that's kind of exciting.

Matt is still working a ton of hours and I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I'm really craving attention and reassurance from him and I'm not always getting that. I'm refusing to complain though because it's not as if he's out drinking with the guys, he's working. He's providing for our family so I can work part time still and we can give our kids really great opportunities. I don't want to be that needy, selfish, annoying wife. So I'm trying really hard to not be that.

But I'm officially 18 weeks pregnant this week and that feels weird. Honestly at this point, I feel like I have been pregnant forever. Someone today mentioned I'm almost five months and I'm like, "WOAH- let's not get crazy. Seriously." because that makes it feel like I need to get going on things I want to have done before the baby comes. My fear is that once Christmas is done, things will start really flying by me and I'll be delivering before I know it.

So as I finish out this post, I'm going to curl up with a new book, feel the baby kick away, and try to fall asleep at a decent hour tonight. Oh yes, insomnia is back in full force and it's really annoying. This baby better be the best sleeper in the WHOLE WORLD, that's all I'm saying.


Anonymous said...

I think you mentioned your job in another post... And I know it's incredibly detail oriented. I've subbed and volunteered in the school library for eons, and that's what surprised me at the beginning, all the details.

Julie H said...

My friend works at a school and every now and then I look for a job on their sites. It would be nice to have all the vacations that they have!