Saturday, August 1, 2020

Lucy says goodbye to 3.

I knew yesterday was going to rough, and it was. I always forget about how hard her actual birthday is. I'd say I don't know why I forget but that would make no sense given all of my memory loss. No sense for jokes now. 

Today though, at 3:12 p.m. Lucy will officially turn four years old and I have a lot of feelings. A lot about me and my journey but even more for this little girl. Even though there are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of days that I wish I wasn't here and I have no idea why I am, there are more days where I watch Lucy and I think I could have missed this, and what a shame that would have been. 

Lucy is, far and beyond my easiest child. It might not always be that way and of course I don't remember the other three in most ways but I have never met a happier person in all my life. Lucy is happy start to finish in a day. Sure, she gets upset and throws a tantrum but she's little and that's how she grows emotionally.
Lucy is so laid back, she enjoys doing anything. You can give her a pile of garbage and she will make it fun and make you have fun playing in it, too. Everything is new and exciting to her, even if she played with it an hour ago. Her sense of wonder makes you look at life differently, too. 
If you don't know Lucy in real life, you are missing out. She is a hilarious kid. She is the sweetest, funniest little girl. You only need a few minutes around her and you'll be smiling and feel better. Honestly, she's the baby I needed at exactly the right time. 
There are still times where she still looks like a little baby and I try to remember if this is what she was like as a baby. Because I don't remember and it makes me so sad but also incredibly angry. I will never understand the cruelty of letting me survive but taking my memories. I wish so badly I could remember her baby smell, or the feel of her cheek. The way she felt snuggled into my neck. I wish I remembered that for all of my babies and it feels like the greatest punishment of all to take it from me. 
This year Lucy went to school and was so excited about it. She enjoyed riding the bus home, she had zero fear about it and in fact demanded we let her ride the bus. She started speech therapy and seemingly enjoyed it. 
I always call her my little mess because she really is a little hot mess walking around. Her outfits are always interesting, she usually is carrying a plethora of things with questionable accessories. She is really into music, dancing, Blippi, Baby Shark, and baby dolls. She loves anything with animals, purple flowers, going on adventures, and continues to love food but mostly muffins and spaghetti. She doesn't like chocolate so much and isn't big on sweets. Big fan of ice water, though. 
I was sad we had to stop going to school because of the Covid-19 quarantine, but I tried hard to keep her skills up. It is really hard to do with Penelope constantly next to her. Penelope LOVES Lucy and they declare each other best friends but Penelope always wants to help Lucy, fix whatever she's doing, and eventually take over. 
Lucy is joy personified. I hope she remains the happy, joyful little light for all of her life. I don't want that little light to go out. 
She likes to do "cwafts", likes to dress up, hates bath time because it's too loud for her and she's terrified to get water in the tubes in her ears, loves her pink penguin even still and really wants to hug a penguin in real life and learn to waddle like them. She loves her beloved purple blanket and needs it every night. She gets easily scared at night and we had to put nightlights in a path all the way to our room because she often comes down for help. 
She still has the cutest little feet that never seem to grow and I don't hate it. Same with her hands, they are still pudgy and cute. She still has the dimple in her one cheek. She also has my hair (sorry, baby), its long and thick and has the most beautiful curl through it. 
Sometimes I look at her and want to never let her go. Sometimes I look at her and I'm so scared something awful is going to happen to her. How did we both get through this and only I am affected daily? Please God take what you have to from me but please let her be unscathed. This little girl doesn't deserve what I know you can dish out. 
As we go into four I hope you continue to be amazing. You bring so much joy into all of us and you are what we all needed. Your siblings love you, me and Dad love you even more, and someday so many others will love you too, because they can't help it. You're that kind of person. 

I hope you fully enjoy 4K this year. I hope you continue to blossom in speech therapy. I hope you remain healthy. I hope you stay happy and sweet. I hope you have a wonderful birthday and feel loved.


Shooting Stars Mag said...

Beautifully written. I think she really was the baby you needed at the time, and still need. I hope she stays happy and healthy as well and has a wonderful year being 4!

I love that she's such a happy and kind person! And her demanding to ride the school bus is adorable. I would have been terrified at her age! lol

I hope she had an amazing birthday.


Why Girls Are Weird said...

This post actually made me tear up. She sounds like such a lovely little girl. You two are lucky to be in each other's lives. Happy birthday sweet Lucy.