18, 20, and 21. Still pregnant.

I have been absolutely slacking on the pregnancy posts this time, haven't I? I haven't been documenting this one as much as I did with Penelope and I feel like I'm already playing favorites or something. To be honest, Penelope's pregnancy was probably my absolute favorite. Sure, it had some tough spots there but what pregnancy doesn't? But I really enjoyed every minute of it and watching myself grow, and just be excited.

If I'm being honest, and you know I always am, this pregnancy isn't nearly as fun for me. I've been dealing with some serious depression, it's been winter and just shitty. I'm exhausted. I can say this is the only pregnancy where I had legitimate morning sickness up until week 14 (also the first pregnancy I've even had morning sickness save for a day or two), and as of late, I've been so very sick with the flu, a cold, a sinus infection, and bronchitis. Some of those at the same time.

I am only just now getting to the part where I'm kind of enjoying it. I know I have to hurry up and enjoy it because I'm 21 weeks as of this morning and that means I'm half way done. It's going to go by so fast and I know absolutely, FOR SURE, this is my last one so I don't want to ever feel like I took this for granted.

So let's talk pregnancy for baby four.

 18 weeks

I didn't actually start looking pregnant until 18 weeks, which is reminiscent of when I had Olivia. And Jackson. I felt like I showed earlier with Penelope, but who knows. I still get the stares where people wonder if I'm pregnant or fat. The worst part about being pregnant with a baby is that people say some of the rudest stuff to you at all. Especially because right now, I haven't been wearing my wedding ring because it itches badly. (Weird fact: When I'm pregnant basically all jewelry, real or fake, irritates my skin so I don't usually wear much. If I do, it's for shorter periods of time.)

Anyways. A few times now I've gotten stares if it's just Penelope and I, but it's even worse when I have my two older ones with me. I've had women (and men) ask why I keep getting pregnant without a husband to which I say I have a husband, but I don't feel like I have to have a ring to prove it. The best though is when people see Penelope, look at my stomach like they want to ask if I'm expecting or if I'm just still fat, so I usually just say, "Yeah, I'm pregnant. I'm due in August." and then people laugh and say, "HAHA!! Don't you know you can prevent that?!" 

Yes. 

Yes, I do. In fact, FUNNY STORY- I tried. I tried to prevent it and yet, here we are. I'm part of that what, .01% freak chance that could happen. 

Usually people don't know what to say then and walk away awkwardly. 

20 weeks

At 20 weeks I found out that baby four is going to be a GIRL. I wish I could have recorded all of our reactions. Actually, Matt didn't really care either way, he's not very into caring about stuff like that. Olivia teared up, sunk in her seat. Jackson full out cried until Matt told him to stop it, which only made me feel worse for the little guy. Penelope sneezed and blew boogers ALL OVER the door so Matt had to clean that up, and I teared up. 

Yes, I am that asshole mom who was disappointed. I had really hoped for a little boy. 

Now, before you get all up in my case with, "Jesus Sara, maybe you should just be grateful it's healthy. There are lots of women who would do anything for any kind of baby." Yes, I get it. I do. I'm not unsympathetic to the plight of women who are unable to conceive. I'm not an asshole. But I'm telling you what- being in the worst depression I have ever been in, having dealt with an incredibly sick baby for the last ten days (more on that tomorrow), and feeling sick and awful myself, I had really held hope that maybe JUST ONE THING could go my way. Just one thing. I'm not asking a lot, I'm really not. I wanted Jackson to have a brother, I wanted to be even, and I wanted Penelope to have a little brother like Olivia did because that was and still is, a very special friendship/sibling relationship. 

But instead, baby four is a girl. 

She's a little small for her gestational age but that's probably because I've now lost quite a bit of weight and am five pounds lighter than when I started this pregnancy. (I had kind of gone up, down, up, and now way down) but that's because I have zero appetite being sick. I'm obviously still eating but very small bits at a time and just enough to satisfy hunger pangs. 

Other than that, it's been kind of uneventful? I'm working on names. I'm trying to work out the logistics of having four kids in my head and it's not easy. I keep thinking if this had been happening in another year it wouldn't feel so daunting but alas, here we are. 

And the gender is.....

... well let me tell you how the appointment went first, mmkay?

First the kids were so stinking excited the night before that I honestly don't know how much sleep they got. I had been talking this up for them for awhile, so I figured they totally knew what this was going to be. I feel like I do a good job at preparing them for things but apparently, I dropped the ball. As soon as we get there, Jackson asks me how we're getting the baby home if we don't have the car seat. I said, "Oh buddy, we're just going to see what it looks like, while it's in my belly. It doesn't come home until after your birthday." He quickly declares, "Then why are we even here??".

Okey dokey then.

So once it started I was super excited. Then I got worried we weren't going to be able to find out because as it turns out, the baby kept it's foot in its mouth pretty much the entire time. Except for a few seconds where it stuck it's tongue out at us, which Jackson kind of liked.

But for a quick moment, we got a quick image of a butt and a money shot.



So the tech is pretty certain we are having a girl. Which means that little Penelope is on her way in May. Or maybe she'll keep with tradition of her sister and be a week early, and show up in late April. We just don't know.

Olivia is thrilled. Jackson... well he wasn't. But the good news is that maybe his reluctance was just for show for me, because when he got back to school he eagerly told classmates and pretty much every adult he saw that he was having a baby sister. So that made me feel better.

He also woke me up this morning to tell me that the "good news" is that at least he'll still be my "favorite boy", which is what I've called him since he was a baby. So I think we're going to be just fine over here. We'll add some mermaids and pink to the ocean themed room and things will be ready for her to come join us.

And how do I feel about it?

I feel... kind of scared? Which sounds ridiculous because I have one of each so it's not like I don't have experience or I'm going to be getting into something new. But at the same time, because I have one of each, I feel like I at least have something to compare to. I'm kind of nervous because I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with Olivia, and here I am, adding another girl to my mix. With Jackson it feels easy because I get him. I think Penelope is going to be so different, personality wise, from Olivia and Jackson and that scares me because anyone will tell you I have really great kids. Very sweet, very polite, very fun, good kids. I couldn't be any prouder of either of them. So now it feels like we're going to find out if they are a fluke or if we're really good parents after all. Does that make sense? It's so strange, I feel so much pressure this time.

This is clearly all hormones, I'm sure come May I'll be fine. HA!

So there we have it. Penelope is on her way.

And yes, her name really will be Penelope.