Suffocation

Way back when I had the AFE and all hell broke loose, we were already strapped for cash. We were barely making it and the plan was for me to get a job in the evening and that would help me get out of the house and a break from the kids but also give us another income (even if only a small one). It was clear that wasn't going to happen and we really didn't have a plan B. We were SO grateful to have had my friend Sarah start a GoFundMe for us because we had a $9000 insurance deductible (and thank god we had insurance because my bill alone was well over $120,000) and that helped us pay all of that, get the first round of medications, get groceries, and pay a couple of bills I hadn't been able to pay before I went in for Lucy.

Basically, it's what kept us from losing our home and I will never be able to tell you what that meant to us.

I remember (kind of) the first year being really awful because Matt hadn't worked as many hours at work that we basically built our life on so we were always behind in bills, over drawn, robbing Peter to pay Paul essentially. I would forget to pay a bill and then we'd have to scramble. It was just a really awful time and we had spent a LOT on our credit cards just to stay afloat.

Which, of course, catches up to you eventually and that's where we are.

Every month Matt gets two pay checks and he works an obscene amount of hours. He has to and I am SO grateful he has his job and gets a regular check, I'm so grateful he can work over time and is never out of things to do, I am so grateful he has the best employer. They have been so good to our family and I think people and things come into your life at the right time and we don't always know why but it becomes known eventually. That's how I feel about his job. They are so great. If he didn't have this job I honest to God don't know what we would have done then and even still.

Every payday we look at the bills and figure out a game plan, we budget, we menu plan, we decide what the kids can and can't do with friends or activities, we look ahead to see what's coming, and we do our best. We aren't frivolous spenders. I don't have clothes that fit. Matt lives in his stained and ripped work clothes. Our house is freezing, and I mean that. It's been well below zero the last week and our house hasn't been any warmer than 67 degrees so I can keep the utility bill down and I can't feel my hands most days. It's cold. We eat a lot of cereal (not even name brand... blech), we don't have cable, and even still - we are broke.

Scary broke.

I don't know what to do. I don't know why we can't just catch a break. I can't make Matt work any more than he does because we certainly can't afford to have him die of exhaustion. I get my disability check but (shocker) you don't get much when you're disabled and not older. And that's fine, I'm happy I get anything because I really don't know what we would do.

But this week feels like it broke me. After dropping the kids off at school I drove all the way home in full tears in breakdown mode because I feel like everything is caving in on me. I haven't felt well lately so Matt didn't work a couple of Saturdays to help me with the kids and that reflects on his paycheck, which was lower than I thought it was going to be. Which means I can't pay all of the bills. I have to put groceries on a paycheck. My mom had to borrow me money so I can get Olivia to her dance competition this weekend. I try really hard to not let the kids see me break like this and I'm always honest with them that we just can't afford some things. They know this, they understand it and never make us feel bad about it, but they don't know that it feels like we're drowning.

Adulting is so super fun.

It makes me think about my parents when I was growing up and how hard they both worked, how tired they always were, and how we just didn't have the money to get the things we really wanted. They did a lot for us and we definitely didn't go without but I think I finally understand the crippling pressure they must have felt for all of those years.

I can't even tally how much our debt has come to because I feel like that would be the straw that breaks me. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat mentally for my family and keep it together but all of this stress added onto it is just too much. I wish I was one of those people who could just let a bill sit to the side knowing it'll just get paid another time. I can't do that. I'm going to obsess over it. I'm going to obsess over the ones coming in. I know we haven't hit our deductible yet this year so I have to figure out how I'm going to refill my medications. I'm trying to figure out which ones I can ration so I can hold off on refilling them for as long as possible. I know an emergency room bill is coming. I know Olivia gets her braces off soon and I'll need to get her teeth cleaned so they don't look awful. I know before I know it we'll need to school clothes shop and get supplies. I know I'm only a couple years out from driver's ed and a car and insurance and it's all too much. I try to focus on one day at a time but my brain can't do that. It's a runaway train and I know how quickly time goes and I'm never ready.

Then I worry something will happen to Matt. What would happen? I'd have to move in with my mom with four kids. I can't work full time, how would I pay for anything? I don't know how to take care of anything financially anymore. I don't know how to put things in order. I realize how MUCH I rely on Matt for, he runs the show. I literally am just here. Then I feel bad about myself and I get angry that this happened to me and I think if this didn't happen I could work and things would be fine. So now it all comes back to me and how this is all my fault.

I've brought this stress on me and my family. I shouldn't even be here. If I had just died they have less bills to pay and I'm just a burden.

Do you see the cycle? It's unhealthy, I know this. I can't stop it, it just goes and goes in my head all day every day.

So I cry. I cry in the car. I cry in the bathroom. I cry in the shower. I cry when I wake up. I cry when I go to sleep. I cry during nap time. I cry every moment I have alone. It's suffocating me.

The working poor. You'd think we'd at least get like, a ribbon or something.

Do you remember how I was mentioning that Matt and I had to sit down and come up with a monthly budget? Well, we did that. And it sucks hard because you can't really continue with your denial when you are looking at all of the numbers point blank. It's depressing and honestly, I feel a little overwhelmed by it all.

We also had to look at our budget and decide if I can go back to work. You're like, obviously! GO BACK TO WORK, Sara! And I want to. I really, do. The problem is child care.

The reason I took the job at the school my kids go to was so I would have all summer off and any day they don't have school, I don't work. It's easily the most ideal job ever if you have children. But I would have to put Penelope into daycare for about 17 hours a week figuring in drive time because I would only be working 15 hours a week. Of the places that actually had an opening for an infant, I'm looking at a minimum of $172.50 a week. I don't even make that in a week. That's a full time rate because I couldn't find anyone with a part time rate and an opening. The total cost of day care is almost $700. Again, I don't even make that in a month.

So, I could get a full time job so I could pay that and have some left over. Except what do I do when there is no school? I can't afford three kids in day care for those days.

After lots of math and different scenarios, it was kind of obvious that while losing my little bit of income sucks, it makes more sense for me to quit. Yes, I'd be getting out of the house and that's nice, but it's not worth going into the hole every month.

And that sucks. Because I'll be honest, staying at home is nice because I get to bond with Penelope unlike what I was able to do with my older two, but I feel myself getting dumb. Every day I feel a little dumber. I'm not being mentally challenged every day. My days consist of laundry, cooking, cleaning the house, and watching a baby. That's it. That's literally all I do. My house is clean, we have home cooked meals every night, but I am bored. I now live for Hot Bench and Dr. Phil in the afternoon. I find myself talking to my mailman for fun, through the mail slot. Yesterday he just put my mail on the step and kind of ran back to his truck. I feel like maybe our friendship is over now.

Matt said I should see if, in the meantime, we qualify for any kind of assistance. We of course, don't. For a family of 5, the government thinks we're rich. Which makes me want to give them my bills and tell them to figure out to pay all of them, save some, and have a slush fund. I love how everyone wants your income before taxes. If Matt actually brought that amount home, we'd be just fine. We'd be fixing things in our house that need repair, our roof wouldn't leak, Matt's truck would have the muffler it needs, the kids would have gotten new clothes versus yard sale clothes for school, and I wouldn't be worried about having to say no to sports when they come up over the year. But no, that's no reality. Reality is a LOT comes out of his check for taxes, then we pay our insurance, and then some goes to his retirement, which is a joke because at this rate he won't ever get to retire, and then we've got this measly pot I'm supposed to move mountains with.

I'm worried about kid activities. I'm worried about Christmas. I'm worried about winter utility bills. I'm worried about the hospital bill for me from having Penelope I still haven't gotten yet.

So the hope is that once school gets started, maybe I can get an evening job a couple nights a week. Weekends are out because he works 12 hours on Saturday so that means Sunday is the only day where we are all together for more than an hour. Especially once school starts up, it's the only day where we aren't running one kid to one thing, fighting over homework, etc and I get to hang out with my kids and hear about what's happening at school and with friends. Sunday is a very important day for our family and I'm not willing to sacrifice that for the sake of being able to buy myself a pair of pants that fit.

I feel like, if we can just hang on until after the holidays, things will ease up. A few things will be paid off by then and maybe that'll help. Every little bit helps, right?

Budgeting and planning groups are out of control.

So this year I am really going to get back on track with planning things out and budgeting our expenses. It's kind of a necessity at this point so I shall do it. I thought a good way to motivate me and maybe keep me on track would be to join some Facebook groups that are all about that, maybe I would get some good tips and learn some new things to make it easier on me.

Unfortunately, it has done the exact opposite.

Mostly because people are really stupid. And I try really hard not to call someone stupid but these people.... I'm telling you. Here are a list of questions that have come up on the various groups I'm in, just in the last week:

I can't afford my car. What should I cut out of my budget so I can afford it? I really love it. Yes, that's a real question. There are still people out there driving cars they like, but cannot afford, and are willing to not eat so they can keep it another month. The suggestions on this post all ranged from "reduce how much you eat", "turn your heat off and just bundle up", "sell stuff out of your apartment", "try to go without insurance", etc. Not one of the 50+ comments said, "If you can't afford it, you need to sell it and buy something you can afford. Pay off your debt and you can afford a super fun car then." Not one.

We are over $20K in debt, just with credit cards. That doesn't include our mortgage, two car payments and our boat. I'm so mad my husband said we can't afford a vacation, I feel like we can. I also hate that my spending money is now only $200 a month. This feels like I'm living in a third world. It was ALL I COULD DO to not comment. Because judging by the responses that were given, I would have been burned alive. First off, if you have $20,000 on CREDIT CARDS, you are in serious trouble. I can't even fathom that. Just from the question alone I would assume they drive nice, expensive vehicles and have a swanky house. None of which they can afford, clearly. And then to "only" have $200 in spending money? Oh my god. I didn't know people had a budget line item for spending money. To me, that doesn't exist. At least it shouldn't when you're this far in debt. God damn. Learn some self restraint, people.

How much do you budget every month for planning stickers and supplies? Yes. This is in a group where people are learning how to SAVE money, pay off debt and be more frugal. Then the responses are anywhere between $20 and $100. ON STICKERS. Let me be clear, people are paying MONEY for STICKERS that go in planners that you eventually THROW OUT. This is a real thing.


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Now, I'll be honest. I've used Washi tape in my planner for re-occurring things and I needed to find them fast in my planner on a moments notice. To my credit, I'm a scrapbooker and card maker so I already had it on hand and made what I had work for me. There isn't a chance in hell I would actually buy something in the name of decorating my planner. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. And then to spend that much on STICKERS. This isn't middle school where we decorate our book covers. Come on, now.

I'm absolutely astounded that people don't understand basic money management skills. There are a lot of people out there who have no idea how to make a budget, have no idea what you need to pay down first when trying to be debt free, have no ability to say no to themselves or to say, "You know what? I really want _____, but I'm also broke, so I'm just going to wait." None. Not able to do that at all. I can't even wrap my head around this. The only positive here is that at least I feel like a genius if I peruse through posts long enough.