Back to School 2023-2024

I feel like we've had a really great, long summer, and it felt like more than three months. We managed to get a ton of concerts, two road trips, a county fair, swimming in our pool, and lots of yard play. It was a pretty great summer, but like every year, school has begun. 

Olivia is a senior this year and I'm not even ready for it. She's ready for it though and it is so exciting to see all of her hard work all of these years coming to an end. She's gearing up for new adventures, but I hope she enjoys this year to the absolute fullest. Jackson is a sophomore and he's going to be learning how to drive this year and that feels weird to me. I'm actually excited about that because that kid needs freedom and that's the gateway to freedom. 

Penelope is in third grade and she is READY. Multiplication and division is her biggest challenges this year but if anyone is up for it, it is most definitely her. Lucy is in second grade this year and she's nervous about it. It's so hard seeing her grow because I want her to stay little but it is also exciting seeing her hit new milestones. Now if she could just learn how to tie her shoes, we'd be set. 

It's exciting because Jackson is trying a new sport, Olivia is going to continue with dance, same with Lucy, and we might get Penelope into swimming. She needs to find an activity she feels fits her, we just haven't found it yet. 

I am hoping to get into good routines again now that everyone is in school. I need to get back into my weight loss routines, I need work on positive self talk, I need to get back into being mindful, and I really need to get back into doing kind things for others. I always due, but I think I need to do more, more often. I'm trying to make goals for each month and really work towards them, including budgeting. I'm doing well with that but you know, we can always do better. 

But fall is here, and I'm here for it. It's going to be a good fall. I'm trying to not let mental health get the best of me like it usually does, so stay tuned. It'll be OK. 

It would've been a good week.

I haven't really looked at the calendar much except to stay on top of book reviews because everything is obviously cancelled. It really hasn't been a big deal because we don't do much, but this was supposed to be a big week.

• Olivia would have had high school transition night yesterday. She is going to be a freshman next year and I'm so nervous and excited at the same time, and I know she is too. I think she was looking forward to that just to learn more about high school and ask questions to calm her nerves. She's like me in that way, she wants to be as prepared as she can ahead of time and it helps. 
• Today would have been Penelope's spring concert at school. I was going to buy her a cute spring dress to wear and she was going to sing some songs, probably have a family craft day afterwards like for the holiday concert. 
• Tomorrow Penelope turns FIVE, if you can believe it, and no pandemic can cancel that so we'll still celebrate. 
• Olivia would be having her final middle school band concert on Thursday. She was looking forward to that too and her songs sound amazing. I think this is the first of a few things she's sad about as she closes out her time at middle school. 
• Friday would have been big, Penelope should have been going to Kindergarten Round Up. She would be meeting teachers and seeing classrooms. Maybe doing a craft alongside some other kids. It would help her be less scared when we (hopefully) start in the fall again. 
• Sunday would have been a finale practice for Olivia's dance recital. The recital would have happened on May 9th, but the show I know she worked so hard for is cancelled. Well, they are doing some kind of performance on Zoom and its going to be lame and she likely can't even do it because we have zero room in the house to do it. We get zero internet in the yard so that's out. I'm so angry that our costumes can't be used next year which is a whole other thing, and Matt is livid that we're expected to shell hundreds of dollars for more costumes when we didn't get to wear these. I get it. Sigh. 

Some good things, though: 

• Penelope turns five tomorrow and I'm so excited. She has been counting down for months and her little brain just about exploded when she realized tomorrow is the day! We have a cake for her, some presents for her, and some ice cream, of course. I think a couple of friends are going to drop something on the porch for her, too. She was really bummed that she can't be the birthday star in her little 4K class, but her teacher DID mail her a little card and she was so excited and as she put it, had "happy tears". 
• My library/craft space/office is amazing. I know I keep talking about it but truly, it is so amazing and I'm so grateful and I thank my lucky stars Matt is so great at everything. 
• Its getting warmer, which means I can walk outside more often. I am hoping I can find my winter hat and just got now. (It's still chilly and my ears get too cold.)
• Twinky got to go to the groomers and thank goodness because I think he was just as nervous as I was when I told him I was going to try to give him a hair cut. 

I'm trying to write out the good and the bad every day. It's OK to get the bad out there as long as I don't dwell on it and I am able to throw up some good there, too. I hope you have some good happening, too. 

Lucy turned 3 and we all got through it.

I have SO many posts for you coming up and you're going to just be so overwhelmed which is only right because I am super overwhelmed with life right now so here we are. We are fresh from our trip to Missouri (more on that another day) and right before we left we celebrated Lucy turning three. My rationale was that if I did her party and then we immediately left I wouldn't have time to dwell and be in my feelings. 

And that worked for a few days and then it's all kind of waited for me so I'm still not sure if that was the best tactic after all, but I guess we'll see. I'll give it time. 

Anyways. 

On her actual birthday we just did a small party among our little family of six. 

We played in the yard for most of the day, and she had a really good time.  

 Birthday tradition says the birthday person picks our dinner and no surprise, she picked spaghetti. So that's what we had and she couldn't have been happier. 

 We only do cupcakes on that night because it's cheaper than a cake and we usually have a cake during our all family party. 

 But she didn't mind. 

 She gets a present. I usually only give them one gift on their actual birthday and maybe two or three on their party day. 

On party day we were really lucky because my brother and his wife and two kids were able to come up (they live five + hours away). 

 I found these spray bottles at Michaels with liquid chalk on clearance and the kids decorated my patio area. 

 Thankfully it was washable because they got it on themselves. 

 We had a BBQ lunch and the kids ate their weight in blueberries. 

 Anytime you ask Lucy to smile, this is still the face you get. I'm kind of hoping she grows out of this soon. 

 She really loved her cake. She's a huge fan of Toy Story and though we haven't gotten to see the newest movie, the bonus is that all of the stores have toys and stuff for it, so she got a Toy Story cake. 

 We opened presents. Her cousin Adriana helped her out. 

 My mother in law got her a Baby Shark that plays the song and Lucy absolutely LOVES IT. 

 Penelope is especially enamored with her cousin Mason. He's super cute and she's always hugging him. 

 Lucy's "big" gift were a few more Calico Critters so her and Adriana played with those for a long time. 

Before they left I got a quick picture with my niece because she's just the cutest thing ever and I love her so much. Every time she comes up here I always try to have crafty things to do with the kids and this time it was calm down jars and slime. Both were a hit and I'm still finding glitter everywhere. I hope she has good memories of her Auntie Sara when she gets older. 

Overall? The party was fun. It was an OK couple of days and I didn't have a lot of time to dwell and be sad and angry. I'm feeling all of that now but I have therapy on the 19th so I can make it another week. This means I'll have had a three week stretch with no therapy and it's been ROUGH. I'm trudging through though. 

Tomorrow I'll talk about our Missouri trip and share some photos. Hang tight. 

Summer is winding down.. let's run into fall.

Once of our favorite things to do in the summer is a local event called Wednesday Night at the Races. It's organized by the Grandma's Marathon folks and it's to promote fitness in children, but maybe also to spark a future generation of runners. We always try to go to one or two of the races and the final race and picnic of the year. The kids enjoy it, it's almost always nice out, and who doesn't love an excuse to not cook dinner? 

Before I completely forget, Lucy is an official walker! She's been cruising along furniture for almost two months but just the last week or two she's been walking around without hanging onto anything. Very exciting stuff, here!

Penelope has discovered a love for running free. Olivia and Jackson ran after her for about an hour. When she wants to, Penelope can really haul ass. She takes off like a shot and has boundless energy.

They were both exhausted before their races even started. I almost felt bad for them, but I was eager for an easy bedtime so there's that.

Lucy wanted to run but she's still a little wobbly and the feeling of shoes is new to her, but it's almost winter- time to get used to socks and shoes, kid.

Jackson tried to rest but Penelope wasn't having any of it.

Lucy isn't to be outdone so she also beat her brother up.

Olivia took an actual break because the girls don't beat her up. They love her.

The kids did a great job running! Matt actually ran with Penelope otherwise she may have taken a kid or two out or just made her own course all together. Jackson finished in the top ten of his race, and Olivia came in dead last. (She's convinced there was someone else behind her, but no. Dead last. HA!) The kids all ate and I froze my rear end off because at some point the wind switched and I didn't think to bring a sweatshirt. Rookie move. 

Olivia is signing up for the running club in middle school and I think it'll be good for her. She's not the most athletic kid in general, but I want her to get involved and try new things. Maybe she'll end up loving it. Who knows? 

Adventures with four: month seven

Everything from this post is from March, which ended up being a HARD month for me mentally. I didn't realize turning 35 was going to be a "thing" for me because I'm not that person who cares about their age at all. I went on a trip with my friend Tammy (more on that later), and I.... I don't know. It was hard. Here were entries out of my journal: 

Came back from my trip. I'm in pain, absolutely everything on and in my body hurts and this is what I come home to. It only affirms that if I died, everyone in this house would be dirty and naked. The level of pissed off cannot be measured. The entire house is a freaking wreck. I can barely keep up as it is and now they want me to perform miracles. Sometimes I hate my family.

Penelope is so... tough. She's an absolute love bug some days but others she is so emotionally and physically draining. I'm not equipped to handle this. Lucy is great, though. She's pretty easy and that might be because she knows full well I can't handle everyone in melt down mode at once. Bless her little heart. But we have officially given up on thinking Lucy can share a room with Penelope. We've moved the crib into our room and it's just draining. I just want a solid night of sleep.

Penelope is the family animal whisperer. At least she thinks she is. She mostly hugs them a lot and tries to stick their tails in her ear. They don't enjoy it but they know surely she can't keep up with this forever. Right?

Lucy is starting to enjoy food. I gave up around month six for her and we're slowing starting back into it. She seems far more eager for the foods that smell the worst. Lucky us.

She also gets excited so easily. She'll shake her little hands, give us this face, and sometimes try to bounce on her bottom. She's officially too big (and heavy) for the swing so Matt moved it out of the living room.

Sometimes in the morning, on the days when I have the hardest time actually becoming mobile and getting up and at 'em, I just bring Lucy into bed with me and try to doze off. It never works as I'm paranoid I'm going to roll her off the bed but I try anyways.

Oh Penelope. You're lucky this poor dog is as tolerant as he is. Truly.

Nobody loves ice cream like Penelope does. She'll keep saying "eat" and "more" as if she's yelling at herself to shovel it in faster.

My friend Cassandra had her birthday. I tried to send a birthday greeting, this was the best I got. Lucy eating cardboard and Penelope saying "cheese" with her damn eyes closed. Sometimes you just accept that terrible is the best you're going to get.

Weekends are the hardest. Matt goes to work and I am here with all four on my own. I'm not in any way qualified to do this. I don't work in a day care for a reason, and I never wanted four kids for a reason. I can't even call it controlled chaos anymore.

Sisters.

Don't let Penelope's face fool you, she was just excited about this walk as Lucy was. It's still chilly here, I don't care what anyone says, but I'm trying. I've discovered even simple walks, which used to be so great for me, are so hard. I always feel like I'm going to just collapse and then I hurt so bad I can barely move the next day. It's tiring to be falling apart like this.

Check back tomorrow when I talk about the Duluth Mommy Blog Awards and how I walked away with one. 

Then there were four. Or six, depending on your view.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you knew this post was coming. I could have posted about it last week but I'm nothing if not honest, and I'll tell you- things have been rough. Let me back track a bit.

Way back in 2010 I had posted about not knowing what it felt like to be "done" with babies. (Go back and read it. As a bonus, you get to see pictures of when my big kids were just tiny!) I knew I wasn't done, I never had that finished feeling all of my friends had gotten. When I was pregnant with Penelope, I toyed with the idea of another. I had a hard pregnancy at some points but I knew the greater good would outweigh all of that. I could do anything for a healthy baby, none of the pain, exhaustion, uncomfortable nights, or stress would mean anything once I held that sweet babe in my arms.

And it was so true.

I don't think I had ever felt like I did in that moment. Sure, she was my third baby and I was a seasoned pro at this mommyhood thing. But this baby... there was something special about her. Even after I had her, I thought, I could do this again.

But as time went on, I felt done. It was a slow realization that I was going to be done and I was totally OK with that. Finally, after all of these years I finally had the feeling I knew I should feel. Our family was full, we were complete. We weren't missing any pieces. I was taking all of the appropriate birth control precautions so that we would have no surprises.

I have struggled since Penelope's birth. I am now doing the stay at home mom thing and while that has it's own way of being fulfilling, I feel like I am getting dumber and dumber every day. I don't feel like I am contributing enough to the greater good of our family. I feel like I could, and should, be doing so much more. I feel like I'm giving my daughters mixed signals- that a woman's place is at home. I don't want my son to grow up thinking the woman takes care of everything. It's really a hard balance for me to find.

Add this to post partum depression. I had it really bad after Olivia and it took me a year to start to feel normal. I find that the longer I go with Penelope, the worse it's getting. I'm going backwards. I'm usually able to keep it together in front of people.

But in late November that has all changed.

December was hard.

So hard.

I should be happy. And I am not. And I hate that I am not. I know so many who would do just about anything to have a baby of their own. It makes me feel terrible and selfish.

But what I am right now is barely hanging on the edge.

I am barely keeping it together. I am crying every day, most of the time I don't even notice it until the kids ask me if I'm OK. I am having panic attacks when I need to leave the house, but I feel trapped in here. I don't sleep at night. I'm so exhausted and I lay there just on the edge of sleep but it never comes. Then I'm obviously so tired during the day I can barely function. I can't sleep because I have an eight month old baby to take care of but also because if I sleep during the day, I'm really screwed at night.

But the worst, the absolute worst?

The worst is this never ending, overwhelming, sadness. Being sad for no reason is maybe the worst feeling in the world. I feel alone and sad.

Matt has no idea what to do for me. My friends are trying and I just... I can't. I can't hang out, I don't want to talk, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to answer my door, I just want to cry. Alone. In bed.

Then I realize I have to hold it together because I need to get the kids to/from school. Penelope is fully dependent on me. I have pets to keep alive. I meals to make, a house to clean, and I have to really make an effort to shower.

On top of ALL of this, we're financially stressed out, maybe the worst it's ever been. And then.... I feel terrible physically. There is nothing in me that feels emotionally (obviously) or physically ready to grow a baby. I don't feel like I am doing a good job for this baby already. I talked to my doctor about an anti-depressant (obviously) just so I can get through the damn day. But I have this irrational fear I will take something and end up with a baby who has a birth defect or health problem. Then I'll feel like the worst mother in the world who couldn't just keep her shit together for the greater good of her baby.

I no longer feel like I am working with a full deck anymore. All of my volunteer positions are precarious- I feel like tossing my stuff at the groups and say screw it. Every time I have an obligation that forces me to leave the house, let alone put on real pants, I feel angry and anxious.

And yet. Here we are. Soon to be a family of six. I'm not ready. I am terrified. I am sad. I am anxious. I feel hopeful I will be happy soon. It all works out. Until then... here I am. Just trying to get through the day without crying the entire time.

Currently 10 weeks

Due: August 8

How do you know if you're done?

Years ago, I thought we were done having kids. Granted, I didn't want to be done but Matt said he was very done which meant I was having to go through a forced realization that this was it. I wasn't going to have any more babies and I have to just get right with that.

But then I got pregnancy despite three forms for birth control and I ended up with a miscarriage. That felt especially cruel because while initially devastated because we had basically resigned ourselves (mostly I did this) to no more kids, here I am, pregnant. Right as I was moving past the feelings of anger and are-you-effing-kidding-me-universe feelings, I started to get really excited about the baby, and then I lose it.

It felt especially cruel because it should have been my sign of, "see, we're officially done" instead though, it made me lobby hard for a third baby. Surprisingly, Matt was completely on board so I jumped while he was still willing. And now I have a really wonderful, beautiful baby Penelope that I literally cannot imagine my life without. The fact that I could have gone through life and never have had her? I can't fathom it. Not at all. Best decision I have ever made.

And now I'm back in familiar stomping grounds: contemplation of just one more.

Now, I'm not itching to be the next Michelle Duggar. I know that no matter what, if we had another one we would absolutely, 100% be done. I couldn't do a fifth, no matter what. I couldn't. Normally I'd give myself some time and really wrap my head around what that would be like and if it's something I feel like we can do. The only reason I feel rushed in this is that we have clearly met our medical deductible for the year. With that into consideration, if Matt were to get a vasectomy, it would be covered. Otherwise we'd have to pony up quit a bit of money to pay for it ourselves next year or beyond.

Basically, the talking points that keep going in my head are:

• I am a fan of even numbers. I like the idea of everyone having a buddy. 
• My fear is I'll end up with twins and then I'm back at an odd number. Not to mention twins. 
• I'd like to be done having kids fully by the time I'm 35. I'm turning 34 in March which means I really need to get cracking if four is a go. 
• Now that I have Penelope, I really miss the ability of getting up and going. The hassle of having a baby is all coming back to me now. 
• Finances also come into play. Realistically, could we handle four kids? 
• Certainly, if I knew I'd have a boy, I would be all over it. We're back to my even numbers of things. 

Some days I look at Penelope and think YES. Yes to it all over again. Even though pregnancy was a bit tougher this go around, with all things considered, I would do it again. But then.. do I want two kids under two? Holy buckets, that seems scary. And then I think, there are so many places I want to take my kids and show them and with Olivia and Jackson getting older, I feel like I don't have a lot of time. Having a fourth would limit my ability to do that, and that's something that was always very important to me as a parent. I knew I couldn't give my kids things, but I wanted them to have experiences. I wanted my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the trips we took together. 

Matt tells me we're done having kids, but then he tells co-workers we're talking about another. I feel like if push came to shove, he'd do whatever I wanted to do, so I feel a lot of pressure about this. 

Some days I want more. And some days I just feel completely done. And exhausted. I just really wish I would have had a more definitive feeling of being done. All of my friends just knew when they were done and I just don't have that. I flip flop and I hate it. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do. 

How did you know you were done?

Nine.

Good gravy, let me just apologize for being so damn shitty with the blog as of late. I have really great reasons for it, but you don't care- you just want the details of what is going on.

So first of all, this has happened:

Oh yes folksies, I'm knocked up! And it's totally great and good. I had felt such disappointment all summer and I don't know why, but I did. I can't even try to rationalize the weird thoughts that go through my head sometimes, it's best to just go with it. So I knew all of this in August.

I know, I've kept secrets. I'm so bad.

But you know I called my OB immediately and they told me they wouldn't even see me until week eight, and gah- that was literally the longest four weeks of my life. The worst part is that they did have me come in to do a blood test, so I quick went up on a Friday, thought nothing of it. Come Monday, I get a call and they ask how sure am I on my date of last period? Which, I'm ridiculously sure because I am a secretary at heart and I write every thing down, I document every thing for accuracy. Believe me, not only am I sure, but I can tell you how long my periods have lasted for the last six months and how heavy they were on a scale of 1 to 10.

I'm sure.

So then she says, "Well. Either you are further than you think or you might have multiples. We'll know for sure in three weeks for an  ultrasound."

Pro tip: Do not drop that kind of bomb on someone and then make them wait three weeks.

Needless to say, the wait was far more brutal than it should have been. But finally, it was doctor appointment day, so Matt went with me after dropping the kids off at school. Which I'm just going to say, was terrifying. I didn't anticipate having so much anxiety being in that office again, but I did and it was awful. I was shaking, I felt like peeing my pants, I also wanted to run for the hills, it was just really awful.

So once I go in, I did the whole pee in the cup thing and they had me go into a room. We do a ridiculous questionnaire of every thing pregnancy related and not, we go over every thing I have ever had as far as health concerns, and this nurse practitioner was so incredibly thorough and kind. I can't tell you how kind she was. She could tell I was terrified for the ultrasound and she was just really great. So we do the exam, all looks/feels well. We do the ultrasound and I won't lie, I didn't look. At least not right away. It was a good 15-20 seconds of silence, I'm staring at the ceiling, I couldn't even look at Matt and finally she says, "See? Right there- that's the heartbeat. It's going to be OK." and so I looked.

And admittedly, I teared up. First thought right away was that it was a girl. Who knows what it is, and I could be totally wrong. But what a damn relief.

So here we are. I'm officially nine weeks as of this past Wednesday. My official due date is May 6, 2015. Let the countdown begin.

Little Goblins Ten (GIVEAWAY)

Oh man am I excited to review a children's book for you. Mostly because I love children's books sometimes more than my own kids do and this one is perfect for Halloween!

Little Goblins Ten by Pamela Jane

First off, have you ever read the children's book Over the Meadow? Because this follows that basically. According to Amazon this is geared towards 4-8 year olds but honestly my 3 year old loved it because it's a counting book and he's big into learning how to count right now.

Some of the creatures in the book are goblins, monsters, ghosts, dragons, etc and while some kids might be scared of it, it's presented in a very non scary way. My daughter Olivia, age 6, is scared of everything. She has nightmares and has a very active imagination so when I paged through the book first I was kind of worried if we'd be set for another stretch of sleepless nights. But no, I read the story and at first she was scared and I was able to steer her from the scary aspect of monsters and ghosts by saying, "Look Olivia! They love their mommy too." and turn it into a "they are different from us but that's OK" conversation. So that was actually kind of a great side benefit. The story is definitely a fun read and offers lots of opportunities to have your kids count the creatures, find things in the pictures, etc.

I totally loved the story and the illustrations are so great. The other cool thing is that Pamela Jane has another story out that I really want to get for my kids and it's called A Vampire Is Coming To Dinner.

Here's the synopsis: Read along as the narrator of this story comes up with some practical rules for dealing with a vampire. But rules are meant to be broken, aren't they? From feeding the vampire garlic to filling the house with mirrors, the narrator is doing just that! With ten full-page gatefolds and a pop at the end of the book, kids will love seeing which rules are being followed and which aren't! If you're expecting a vampire (invited or not) this is your chance to get ready for a night of pranks and surprises. It is best to be prepared. "...a ghoulishly good time."— Publishers Weekly


Honestly? I think this would be a really fun book for the kids, so maybe this will be a little treat I pull out for them at Halloween.
 
I encourage you to check out Pamela Jane's website too! She is also a frequent contributor to Women's Memoirs and is the creator of Austencats- a website for Janeites and cat lovers.
 
Would you like to win your own copy of Little Goblins Ten? All you have to do is be a follower via GFC and leave me a comment on this post. I will announce a winner on Friday!

Bonding Over Beauty (GIVEAWAY)

It's time for another book review and this one is a giveaway!

Bonding Over Beauty- Erika Katz

Makeup, skin care, shaving, hair color, periods--the tween years are full of landmines for moms.



As the mom of a tween girl, you know what's coming: puberty. As your daughter enters the teen years and exerts her independence, will you suddenly seem out of touch? Will she turn to her friends for advice before coming to you?


The tween years present a golden opportunity for you to start a dialogue and gain your daughter's confidence--to talk to her about the things she cares about and show her they are equally important to you too. How you deal with the sticky ''grown-up'' issues early on will determine the nature of your relationship with your daughter for years to come.


No mom wants to hear, ''Mom, you just don't get me, and you have no idea what I'm going through!'' followed by a door slam. Erika's comprehensive beauty guide on hair, skin, makeup, hair removal, puberty, and more will help you open the doors of communication and give you great bonding activities for you to do with your daughter.


With Bonding over Beauty, you'll have the knowledge and tools to create bonds that will last a lifetime.

I will say I was super excited to review this book obviously because I'm a mother of a six year old daughter who is now in school. It's only been a month or so since school started and I've already been asked questions about makeup, and she is already very particular on how she wants to look when she gets to school. While I cringe at some of the things she wants to wear, I am trying my best to let her develop her own style and sense of being. But it's really hard. And I am finding that while I can tell her about makeup and hair and all of these things.... I would much rather be doing it with her so we establish our own mom/daughter time. I really hope that in a few years she'll use that time to talk to me about things that are bothering her or ask me questions.. instead of asking her friends.

This book is excellent for that. Not only does it give really good information about hair and skin care, but it gives you things that you can be doing with your daughter. How to take a talk about hair and turn it into a bonding time for you and your daughter. My first reaction to reading the book was that I was annoyed it was all about beauty. I try to raise my daughter that while it's great to be pretty, it's better to be smart and have confidence in your own abilities. But the more I thought about each chapter and how I would realistically use it, I thought of some ways to make it work for my daughter as well.

In fact, Olivia and I have gone on some mommy/daughter "dates" and we bought her some new hair accessories after she said she would really like to wear fun barrettes and flowers in her hair. We've always painted our nails together but this past weekend we tried the face mask recipe in the book and she thought that was hilarious and fun. But during that time we were able to talk about the kids in her class and some of her friends. I feel like I have a better talk with her when it's just me and her and we're doing things her brother and dad don't get to do.

I also have to say that while reading this book my first thought is that this would be an excellent book to give to a dad who is raising a daughter without a mom in the picture. Think about it- did your dad know how to tell you which makeup to buy? How to moisturize your skin? When to shave? No. I know for a fact mine didn't! But this would be a really great resource for him for when his daughter does ask those questions or has some interest in doing these things. It would help him realize that it's totally normal!

So... who wants a copy? I have one copy to giveaway to one of my fabulous readers and all you have to do is comment! Leave me a comment letting me know you would like to win (and be sure to include your email if it's not listed in your profile). You have to be a follower through Google Friend Connect as well! The winner will be announced on Friday!

Complete Without Kids

No, I haven't given my children away, I'm just reviewing a really great book that I recommend every parent or non parent to read. Super fascinating insight into the world of living child free. And before you click away from this because it's a book review, I invite you to really read though this as I'll be giving some of my 98 cents throughout.

Complete Without Kids- Ellen L. Walker, Ph.D

In Complete Without Kids, Licensed Clinical Psychologist Ellen L. Walker examines the often-ignored question of what it means to be child free, by choice or by circumstance, in a family-focused society. Recognizing that there is no one child free adult, the author guides the reader through the positive and negative aspects of child free living, taking into consideration the different issues faced by men or women, couples or singles, whether gay or straight. As a woman who is child free by choice, Walker draws upon her personal experience while also offering the reader numerous interviews with other child free adults, revealing behind-the-scenes factors that influenced their personal journeys. She approaches the tough-decision making process of whether or not to have children from a biological, historical, and societal perspective, offering valuable information on: The unique set of problems that child free adults face simply due to living in a culture that celebrates babies and traditional families; Methods to cope with the pressure to have children from media, family, and friends in a healthy way; How to create balance and approach the leisure time allowed by a child free lifestyle and; Financial, health, and personal benefits associated with child free living. Offering support, guidance, and thought-provoking questions, Complete Without Kids is a productive guide for any reader considering the child free path.

So that's the general synopsis so you know what we're talking about. And before I get started into my review, most of you know that I'm a parent of two children. I had my kids in my early 20's and I've been very honest about not knowing what I was doing. Had I known how much work it was really going to be, how emotionally draining it was going to be, how hard it would be on my marriage, and how much of what makes me... well, me would be sucked away I would most definitely thought twice about having kids. That's not to say I don't love my children.

On page 32 I found a line that struck an immediate chord with me: "Dr. Jeffers emphasizes the difference between loving your children and actually enjoying parenting them." and later in that paragraph, "The thing I regret most is that everyone told me how amazingly fulfilling and fun mothering is, without mentioning the negatives, and especially the fact that once you sign on for the job you cannot quit." Those two lines alone sum up my feelings. I love my children dearly but I would by lying if I said that I haven't had many days where I question what the hell I was thinking when I decided I wanted children. The book also raises a really good question about whether discussing being child free by choice is a valid conversation piece to have with young girls in the same breathe as safe sex and/or abstinence. I know with my children I will talk to them openly about these things including how you don't have to have kids. I don't ever want to be that person that pressures my kids for grandchildren because I know first hand how difficult it is to be a parent. Not everybody is cut out for it, yet you don't really hear that in Sex Ed, do you? I know when birth control was discussed it was always, "take it until you're ready to be a parent" but nothing really beyond that.

What's really great about this book is that it doesn't sway your opinion. I didn't walk away from reading this book feeling strongly about either side, I could really relate to both sides. I also felt like the author did a tremendous job talking to real life people from all types of economic standing and backgrounds to really give you a full perspective as to why some people choose to be child free. And those who would like to have kids but can't for a multitude of reasons, there is adequate perspective from them as well.

What I also really valued about this book was the absolute honesty about what parenting does to a marriage. I know most couples think that because they have started their marriage strong that it only helps them with parenting. While that is true, it's good to have a solid marriage before you bring kids to the mix, it fails to recognize what a huge stressor it is to have kids. I will say that every single marital issue Matt and I have ever had was directly related to the stress of parenting. We are no longer the people we were when we got married- not even close. I would venture to say the high divorce rates would be tied, at least in some way, to society's push for people to have children. It was mentioned in this book that childless couples are frowned upon in most circles, not because it's a bad thing but because it's not the norm. The norm is for people to get married, buy a house, have some kids, and live happily ever after yet that rarely happens. Also mentioned in the book was how couples with children find it hard to stay connected and eventually drift apart; therefore it becomes difficult to co-exist once the children are grown. They no longer have the common threads holding them together- those had been long gone. Sure you can go on date nights but people frown on that too, don't they? Most people, usually other parents themselves, will make a person feel guilty for spending time away from their kids. I would venture to say almost all of the time it's because they have feelings of jealousy because that couple can and they can't.

I have struggled with this myself. It took me almost five years to figure out I need alone time. I need time away from my husband and my kids to make myself not cry every single night and to not feel like driving my car off a bridge just to check out. I need that time away to be the quality parent my children deserve and a good wife that my husband needs. But I'll tell you- when I schedule a weekend away, or I sign up for a class, or I go to dinner with a friend I have some people around me that scoff and try to make me feel guilty. And it's too bad because I wish they would support me trying to be a better person for my kids.

Also in this book it talked about how friendships change when you have a childless friend and the rest are mommies. I have a couple of friends who don't have kids or who choose to not have kids and I feel bad. I can't always do what they want because... I have kids. I sometimes feel like they have a hard time connecting with me because we don't have a lot in common? My days are full with crying, chores, and kid related things and that makes it difficult to relate sometimes. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be child less and have all of your friends have children.

So all in all- the book was fascinating. I really enjoyed reading it and for me, I felt better about how I was feeling as a parent. Society frowns upon those of us who are not loving parenthood and all that comes with it and it's too bad. Just because I don't love to sit and play Barbies doesn't make me a bad mom. It just means I was ill-prepared for what I would really be signing up for. I always tell people I know that are having babies or thinking about it to really look at the reasons they want to have a kid. Is it because you want to be loved? Because that's just a temporary fix. I know I wanted kids because it was just what you did when you got married. I never questioned not having kids, I just knew I would because it's just what you do. Sounds a bit archaic when I think about it but how many young women think that right now?

I highly recommend this read for anyone. It really opened my eyes to a lot of different child free living assumptions that I hadn't considered before, several that I haven't mentioned. This is a superb book, very well researched and well written.

Luckily for you, I have a copy to giveaway!! WOOT! All you have to do is leave a comment on this post telling me why you choose to be a parent or why you are choosing to be child free. I'd love to hear your perspective on this topic.

I'll draw a winner for the giveaway on Monday, August 22. Good luck!

Though I could barely move, I was still Mother of the Year.

On Facebook the other day I mentioned that I didn't know if I could justify taking my kids to see A Day Out With Thomas the Train when the tickets for the four of us would come to $87. For a twenty minute train ride.

But then we were at the park on Saturday (after my hellish 5K) and Jackson overheard another kid saying HE got to go. And it was AWESOME. Of course, Jackson comes running up to tell me Thomas is in town, Thomas is in town! So obviously, I was immediately faced with that moment where you save the money for say, your vehicle registration which is due by the end of the month and be a terrible mom, OR you blow the money because in a moment of weakness you let your three year old sons enthusiasm and cuteness sway you.

Yes, I bought the tickets for the first ride on Sunday morning. Because someday I hope to hold this over his head when he's 16 and is mad I won't let him take the car. I'll be able to say, "But son, you remember that time I played chicken with the law and let you see Thomas? That's right. Back off punk."

Despite the fact that when I rolled out of bed on Sunday morning my hips felt like they had come out of their sockets and pretty much everything on my body hurt 1000% worse than they did on Saturday, I got the kids ready to head over to the Depot in Duluth for the Thomas the Train day.

We got there and it was advertised as lots of family stuff to do, not just the train. So while we waited for Thomas the kids played in blue sand, watched some lady make huge bubbles and Olivia went down the inflatable slide. All in all, we made it through all of that in 20 minutes.

 And the kids each got a tattoo. Olivia wanted it on her face and Jackson wanted one on his arm.

 Finally we got in line and when I told Jackson to look down the track, he say Thomas and was pretty damn excited.

This was Jackson's first train ride but Olivia had been on it before, so she really didn't care about it. Jackson on the other hand:

 ... thought Thomas's steam and the "peep peep" whistle was pretty awesome. And he got excited once he realized the train was actually moving.

After the twenty minute train ride we went inside of the Depot and we went to the story time, played with the little kid sized train sets (which wasn't as awesome because Jackson has a train set at home), and we met Sir Toppem Hat.

 Jackson was kind of thrilled to meet him. And hugged his leg. But it happened so fast I didn't get a picture of it.

Overall, we spent three hours walking around and I was pretty much unable to do anything when we did get home. I don't know if it was really worth $18/person plus fees, but Jackson is still talking about it. So maybe I did alright after all.

And... the winner of the Rules of the Tunnel giveaway is: #6.

Which is STEFF!! Woo!! I'll send you an email to get your information!