Nebraska, day three. Also known as the coolest fucking zoo day ever.

When the Nebraska trip was first discussed I told Matt I would go if A) I could meet my two blogger friends and he wouldn't embarrass me, B) if we could go to the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha and C) if we could go to Jones Bros. Cupcakes. And like every good wife who has done her job, he agreed with gusto because he knows what's good for him. So on Sunday, our last day of the trip, we got to go to the zoo and it was fucking amazing.

 Obligatory mom shot of kids in front of a sign.

Can I say something? You know I love my kids to death, I really do. Olivia is very calm and she likes to learn about stuff and she is patient and will take her time looking at things. Jackson on the other hand, instantly gets ADHD when we go anywhere and just runs everywhere. You laugh at me when I had him on a leash as a younger kid but god dammit, I may be *that mom* who makes her 15 year old wear a leash some day and I'm not even kidding. And while he did that a lot at the zoo and I'm constantly trying to get him to at least absorb something on this trip, most of the time it was a lost cause. Until... he realized that they have a lot of interactive exhibits that he can play with.

 Jackson stood on this crate for TEN MINUTES opening and shutting the little box on the wall. TEN MINUTES, people. That is huge for him.

One of the other things I was most pumped up about was the Lied Jungle. Folks, the pictures you see online are amazing, but they are nothing like walking through it. I seriously could have wandered through there the entire day and not have gotten bored.

 The kids thought we were in a legit jungle, and who am I to correct them?

 I mean, they had a bridge.

 And tree branch swings.

 Waterfalls and trees. That's good enough to qualify as a real jungle to me.

 Never mind the fact I look like a fucking heffer here. I fucking love that dress though, so freaking comfortable. But guess what isn't awesome? My super cute Target sandals that Shannon told me were amazing, and they are. But they are not meant for walking around a zoo for 10 hours.

 Matt was exhausted by 11 am but dammit, he kind of smiled for a picture with his hot, yet heffer like wife. HA!

 Then we saw a sloth and both kids started screaming that we had to take a picture of it for Uncle Travis because it is his favorite animal and so I did. This one is for you, Travis. We also love the sloth because we have this super cute bedtime book called If Animals Kissed Goodnight (seriously, parents? Get it. So adorable) and it has a sloth and her baby being adorable. So then Jackson naturally asked if we could get one and I had to explain that it's not really a house animal, and he insisted we could get fake trees for the house. Bless his damn heart.

 So after the jungle we ended up going to the Desert Dome. Which, not going to lie, I think is where that terrible Pauly Shore movie "BioDome" was filmed? It seriously looked like it. But I don't know if a lot of the animals were hiding, or just have awesome camouflage and I really need glasses, but I seriously only saw *maybe* five animals. I'm assuming there are a lot more because I kept seeing signs for them, but no animal. But what I did see?

 A crazy Russian lady with an umbrella hat. See? People really do wear them!

 This weird little animal. But it was cute and I would like it as a pet.

 This asshole with a rolling cooler. Like, I get that drinks at parks and zoos can be spendy, but is an entire cooler necessary? No.

We also saw a lot of Asians. Like, Asians EVERY WHERE. Matt and I agreed that walking into the Dome was like walking into China and I'm not even kidding. They were losing their shit over some pig or something, and then the road runner. (Which, how fucking disappointing to find out that A) they are not purple in real life and B) they are super small. Childhood cartoons have ruined me.) I couldn't even look at the animals because the one guy started yelling at me in Chinese or something and flailing. Like shit, dude. I'm trying to see what the fucking fuss about this pig that looks dead is, chill the fuck out, homie. So we left the desert.

And went to the aquarium.

 Obviously, by this point blood sugar was getting low and this is what Jackson thought of my attempt at getting a cute picture.

 Through the entire aquarium he demanded that we see a shark or leave. So I'm dragging him through. We stop at the penguins which they ended up loving because they were very spastic penguins and flipping around everywhere. Finally, we get to the little underground tunnel thing where the fish are all around you and we see a shark.

 Which we cannot even fully appreciate because in this tunnel are a TON of breastfeeding women. And before you get on me for being a bitch about breastfeeding, shut the fuck up. I'm pro breastfeeding in public so settle the fuck down. But what I do think is that just because you can do it anywhere, doesn't mean you should. Both of my kids are demanding food at this point, but you don't see me letting them eat right there, blocking every one's view of the exhibit. No. I take them off to the side, so we're out of every one's way and let them munch on their snack. Same goes for breastfeeding. It's great you chose to go that route but don't be a douchebag and block every one's view of a very cool exhibit. *rant end*

After the aquarium, we went and had lunch overlooking the Lied Jungle and we had awhile before our 2pm movie about the Arctic in the air conditioned theatre (totally strategic), so we went on the SkyFari. Which I could have ridden all day as well.

 What we didn't know was that 4 people couldn't be in one bench, so Olivia and I went in one...

 ... while I tricked Jackson into going with dad. Which he was thoroughly pissed off about. Whoops. He is very much a mama's boy and wasn't having it sitting with dad.

 After our SkyFari, we went and watched the Arctic movie only after getting the kids their Omaha Zoo hats which they went to bed wearing, by the way. The movie was good even though I was very worried that a mean rogue polar bear was going to eat a baby polar bear and it was that moment as a mom you silently curse yourself for bringing your kids to something there might be death in and cause hysteria and ruin an entire day. Thankfully, no polar bears died and crisis was averted.

Then we walked over to the Dino Dig site thinking that would be the shit. Which, it would probably be if it wasn't 100+ degrees out. Why? Because instead of sand, it's like rubber pellets that look, feel, and smell like cat litter. It was too fucking weird and smelling really warm rubber cat litter is a disgusting thing for anyone and I thought I was going to throw up.

 So the dig was short lived.

After being at the zoo for over 10 hours walking around, Gini told us there was this great little restaurant called the Pizza Shoppe in the Benson neighborhood that we should go to because it was good and cheap. And it totally was.

 Olivia loved it.

 And Jackson did too. And it was SUPER reasonable (under $25 for all four of us), air conditioned, and we had a really cool waitress. So it was a total win.

My last request for Omaha was to go to Jones Bros. Cupcakes. The guy who owns it, Bill Jones, used to be a radio DJ in Duluth, MN and I loved his morning show. It was SO good. Well, he moved back to Omaha after taking some cake classes at which he got really good. He opened up his little shop:

 And then was on the show Cupcake Wars twice. He ended up winning the second time, and his display for the Country Music Awards was in the shop and that was cool. But we obviously all got cupcakes.

 Jackson got a "Blue Slushie"

 Olivia chose the "Black and White"

 I obviously got the "Sweet and Salty", which was SO FUCKING GOOD.

And Matt got some Dark Chocolate thing which he also said was amazing.

So that was it. We ate our cupcakes, got to the hotel, showered and packed, went to bed and bid adieu to Omaha the next morning. It was a really great trip and I already want to go back. I feel like we didn't even touch the tip of the iceberg of fun and cool stuff in Omaha, so another trip is definitely in our future.

Nebraska, Day Two. Also known as Awkward Catholic Wedding Day.

I think we all know that I'm not a fan of organized religion. I think it's just a big cult but whatever people need to cling to to get through life, you go for it. But Catholics are the ones who really piss me off because they have ridiculously long weddings.

The whole purpose of the Nebraska trip was to go to the wedding for Matt's third cousin. Yeah, you read that right, third cousin. Quite frankly, had I known this was a THIRD cousin I would not have agree to go because who invites a third cousin? Frankly, it's kind of gift grabby. I send Christmas cards to these people because my mother in law insists I do, and the fact that we don't get one back yet we're invited to this wedding? It's kind of fucking ballsy if you ask me. But alas, we've done our familial duty.

Anyways. We get to this church which is in the middle of fucking nowhere Nebraska and it's your typical country church. We get inside, it's much larger on the inside than it looks and it's actually really pretty. Despite not being religious, I do like to look at the interior of churches. Go figure. Anyways. Upon looking at the program I can't help but notice that the flower girl? Is the groom's daughter. Um, hold the fucking boat. Now, I know I'm not Catholic (although I am baptized Catholic, take that, baby Jeebus!)but I'm fairly certain that having a Catholic ceremony when you've been married or have out of wed lock kids is kind of frowned upon? I mean, I know you can confess your sins and shit but really? I feel like this is the worst part of religion that makes it lose it's point- if you can just confess and say you're sorry and all is well... what religious lesson are you really learning here? Anyways, that was just odd.

Not to mention the surprising amount of adult women (and not just 20somethings, folks) coming into church with skirts short enough that I can see butt cheeks and clothes that look like they are going clubbing afterwards. Now, I was always taught that you had to go to church dressed modestly and covered the fuck up, so I had a sleeveless dress but I brought a light sweater to put over my arms because hello- I don't need a plastic Jesus staring at me from the wall being all judgey.

Not to mention? It was hot as fuck in there and long as hell. Is communion necessary for these things? Is all of the praying really important especially when the divorce rate is like 50% or something? I mean, let's all save ourselves some time and get to the meal. But for kids who never go to church? Mine were best behaved, hands down. The church kids are whiny, crying, screaming, climbing on their parents, it was ridiculous.

 But they made it through it and were total troopers.

The reception was in another little town down the road so we left the church and headed there. And quickly got real fucking bored waiting for the party to get started.

 Thank god they had snacks in the form of Gardetto's (no, I'm not joking) because the meal itself was really crappy. But before we get to that? The bride and groom left the church in a "party bus" which is not as nice as a party bus in say... a city. Because that usually entails a really nice limo or some super nice converted bus that doesn't look ghetto. Nope, not here. It's like a retired city bus painted red. Not joking. And they pull it INTO the reception venue, again.. not joking.And they all get off the bus while I really terribly edited version of that annoying Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta A Feeling" song played. Not joking. It ends abruptly and the party is taken down into the negatives.

 Matt got stuck talking to senile old people while I entertained the kids at the table. The meal was pork, corn and what I suspect to be some kind of potato though I can't be sure. The thing to note about the meal was that it was cold. And gross. I also was reminded that both families here are pig farmers, so a lot of Little Wilbur's were killed for this meal and that just upped the gross factor. Those who know me know that I like my foods processed and injected with as many dyes as possible. We left after the desert bar because that was mostly chocolate cool whip being passed off as cheesecake. Bitches, I know cheesecake and what you're offering me is not cheesecake.

 So before we left, we took an obligatory family photo.

 Then a really great one of Matt and I. This might be my new favorite picture of us.

On the way to the reception I saw this sign that was everything I could have hoped for while visiting a hick farming community and more. So on the way back to the hotel I made Matt drive out of his way so I could get a good picture of it. Once you see it, you'll understand why I do these things for you.

Because nothing else in the world would cap of a day of hick proportions such as this sign. There are so many oral sex connotations here that it kind of proves innocence is still alive somewhere.

Nebraska, Day One. Also known as "why I'm a fan of the Interstate system".

Let me just start this by saying that Dwight Eisenhower did us all a huge service when he put his seal of approval on the United States Interstate System. (At least I'm like 75% sure he did, and I'm too lazy to care and look it up so let's just all pretend that I am for sure right on this.) Because anyone who willingly ignores this system for whatever reason is an idiot.

Yet that is exactly what we did on Friday on our drive to Nebraska. MapQuest, Maggie the GPS and my iPhone all told me that I should expect to be on the road for about 8-9 hours. So knowing full well that I speed, I always assume it'll be at the lower end. Yet.. something in my gut told me to leave early. I was able to get Matt to convince his parents that we should leave Superior at 6:30 in the morning. Just in case. So that is what we did. You see, we were going to follow his parents all the way down. I even figured in the unnecessary stop in St. Cloud to stop at a craft store for Matt's mom. What I did not figure in was the following:


1. Matt's dad? Drives all over the road. I'm talking weaving, accelerating speeds, decreasing speeds, erratic use of a blinker when you aren't turning, etc. It was BANANAS. I can see where Matt got his road skills from. I also decided that I think maybe his parents are scared of traffic, thus leading us to #2. 


2. We took the longest fucking way possible. At about 2pm when I talked to my dad on the phone (who is an over the road truck driver, the master of the road, and can tell you what exit to take for any destination in the continental United States and has never had any kind of road violation EVER) and told him that in almost 8 hours of driving that we had not even gotten to Iowa yet? He started screaming, "What the FUCK, Sara? How are you not in Iowa? Where the hell are you?" I don't know, dad. Neither does the iPhone because we're so far fucking out we aren't pinging any kind of satellite. I can barely get reception on my phone and where the Wi Fi or 3G thing is on the phone, all I see is the letter "E" which I don't know what that is, but it means no internet. 

I'm not sure if you are familiar with the ass crack of America, but this is what it looks like.

 Corn.

 And more corn, with sporadic soy beans spread about.

Bitches, this was my view for 12 HOURS. Let me say that again, 12 HOURS. What? Yeah, 12 HOURS.

 Here's Matt and I while stopped in St. Cloud for Matt's mom's craft fix and everyone's pee break.

Also what sucks is that approximately oh... three hours into the trip? My fucking cd player in my van DIED. I'm talking will not work at all. Guess what also does not work? The shitty iPod player Matt got me for Christmas. I knew it was shit because it requires a radio signal to work, but my van gets really shitty radio signal and so it never works unless you hold this entire contraption at an impossible angle forever. So I get pissed off that I am not stuck between really shitty country music or Bible Bangers For Jesus radio. Not only for the remainder 9 hours of that trip but also the return trip on Monday.

It's like driving straight into Hell willingly.

Once we get to the hotel forever later, we were almost killed twice in the hotel parking lot within the span of ten minutes by two different drivers both on cell phones and oblivious to cars who are either parked or driving on the service road minding our own business. So in ten minutes my heart almost stopped. Twice. It was all very stressful.

Matt and I left our kids with Matt's parents for the evening to swim (or, as it turns out, just sit on the side of the pool scared of water) so we could go out to meet Gini and Shannon.

I have to be honest, I feel like a complete dumbass that I got NOT ONE PICTURE of any of us that night. Seriously. Blogger fucking FAIL. Gini got one of Matt and I... and I think that's it? I have no idea. But I had a great time. I have loved Gini for years, it's seriously been years now and she even sent me some really good jam once made from real fruit, which you all know I hate, and it was awesome. And then she's super pregnant and she's like the cutest god damn pregnant person ever and my uterus hurt and Matt gave me the side "don't fucking ask for another baby" eye and I got sad but realized now I have an excuse to buy baby clothes. WIN! And then Shannon is ridiculously taller than me and skinny and pretty and funny and yeah. Her and I email frequently and she's just so great and I'm glad we got to meet in person. AND their husband/boyfriend (respectively) are really great as well and I had a good time just getting to know them.

I felt like I was maybe a drag but having been in the car for 12 HOURS I was just happy to be there and be awake. But we went into Omaha to meet them, and we had appetizers at the Dundee Dell which is really hip and fun. Such a cool atmosphere all over the Dundee neighborhood too. After that we ended up going to this bar called Beercade which is as hilariously great as it sounds. It's a funky, relatively small, bar that has vintage arcade games. I'm talking PacMan, Donkey Kong, and a bunch of killing games that Matt was so enthralled with he apparently spent $25 (in quarters) playing. It was really fun. I wanted to stay out much longer but figuring it was about an hour (knowing Matt would get us lost and true to form, he did) to get back to the hotel, we duck out at 11:30. But I had a GREAT time hanging out with these lambwhores and they would totally fit in with my regular friends here at home.

(And Gini? You absolutely have to come for Bayfield Apple Fest one year because Matt won't ever take me, but if you and Eric were here he'd feel socially obligated. So... do it for me! I might even eat an apple that day!)

So.. day one was fucking exhausting. Day two was exponentially more awkward, but you'll hear about that tomorrow.