2019 Goals, because resolutions are for drunken losers.

I felt like I had some pretty lofty goals for 2018, which I posted HERE, but I'm going to share them again because most people are too lazy to click that.

• Lose 5 pounds. This didn't happen. Technically I lost one pound, so that's something I suppose. My weight loss goals continue. 
• Do a boudoir shoot. I did this in May. It was fun, I got some pretty photos. I'm on the fence if I'd do another one. The session itself was a ton of fun and I felt great, I just don't know what I would do with anymore photos. 
• Do a regression therapy session. I didn't do this. I really chickened out, if we're honest. I'm going to legit try to do this in 2019. Maybe this summer and the kids can go to different Grandparent's homes and Matt can come with me to make sure I'm not murdered. 
• Do one fun mini trip with my kids and Matt. We did two mini trips to the Wisconsin Dells, once for Spring Break and once over summer. 
• Find a medication cocktail that actually works and that I can afford. Turns out this is actually impossible, and my optimism at the end of 2017 was cute, wasn't it? So right now I take one dose of Wellbutrin and two doses of Trileptal as my depression/mood stabilizer combo. I also take Ritalin as needed to stay awake and alert, like if I know I'm going out into the world, I need to be alert. I can take it if I'm at home with kids and napping the entire time isn't a possibility. 
• Go to a concert. I smashed this one. I saw Kesha, Beyonce & Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Smashing Pumpkins, Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, and Florence & the Machine.  
• Plan a 15th anniversary trip with Matt for 2019. Again, 2017 Sara was super optimistic and on different medication, because this isn't happening. As it turns out, we are really in debt and really broke, so this won't happen. 
• Finish my book. Girl, I'm nowhere near done. In fact, I got rid of a lot of what I had written because I hated it. I know, I don't need the lecture. I'm working on it. 
• Do a random act of kindness every month. This I know I did. I know I did more than one in some months because I was able to. This is something we're going to continue, not as a goal, but a regular practice. 

So that brings me to making some goals for 2019. It was kind of hard to make a list this time so I don't know what that says about me.

• Spend at least five hours a month writing my book. I need to really make this a priority because I owe that to myself. 
• Go to at least 3 concerts. This I am confident I can do. I have the Kelly Clarkson concert with my friend Amy coming up, so that's one. I just have to find a couple more I can afford. 
• Lose 10 pounds this year. Last year I couldn't do 5 but I didn't really try. This year I'm going to really put the effort in because my health and wellness depend on it. 
• Take each kid on their own date once this year. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but the truth is I don't get to spend a lot of one-on-one time with each kid. I'd like to plan out one day with each kid and we do stuff they want to do. I know I'm disconnected from them as a mom and I'm trying really hard to be a normal mom. 
• Regression Therapy. I'm doing it this year. I said it above, but the plan is to do it this summer when Matt can come with me. 
• Get Passport AND Down Payment on a Trip for Matt & I. We might not be able to go on the trip in 2019, but we can damn sure make a down payment on it. But we also need passports so we need to actually do that this year. 
• 110 books. I'm coming for you. 

What are YOUR goals for 2019? What is one thing you want to do this year, maybe for yourself or maybe for your family? 

The end of the worst year of my life.

I know I said last year was the worst year of my life, but that's not true. If anything it really was the best year. Sure, I died and that's not ideal, but I saw the kindness of so many people, people who knew me and even more who didn't and it's hard to not be buoyed by that. My family was completed with Lucy's birth. So many good things happened in 2016 that I can't call it my worst year.

2017 grabbed that title easily. Here's why:

• I started the year off with my first suicide attempt. It wasn't real serious, it was more of a trial run with messing with medications just to see what would happen. I ended up in the ER and back home in a few hours, but I felt awful for weeks. 
• I thought 2016 was my rock bottom with depression and that wasn't true. 2017 wanted me to hold it's beer and show me how it's really done. I have never in my life gone through the harrowing moments I did this year. I suffer mostly in silence because I'm scared what people will think when I tell them what's going through my head. Instead, I mostly cry in the shower as every horrible thought goes through my head like a movie reel I can't stop. 
• I tried so many medications to improve my mental health and I finally understand when people say the side effects are almost worst than the illness itself. I have dealt with bugs crawling on me, electronic shocks all over my body, numbness in all of my limbs, shooting pain down my limbs, the worst migraines of my life, stomach pains that rivaled labor contractions, and uncontrollable thoughts. 
• In the spring I stood at Enger Tower and stood with my arms outstretched on the edge of the cliff. I just felt the wind going through my fingers and voice telling me to do it. It was the most liberating, and most terrifying, feeling I have ever felt in my life. 
• I realized just how disabled I am. Sure, there are lots of things I can still do, but a lot of the things that made me like myself are things I can no longer do. I am learning that I never learned to love myself for myself and if I'm not doing something perfectly, it's OK. If I'm not the best, the quietest, the most organized, the over achiever, it's OK. It doesn't feel OK. I'm just a regular nobody if I'm not over achieving. 
• I had more panic attacks than I want to admit. More outbursts that scared my children and Matt. I learned that PTSD isn't a joke and it doesn't care how much therapy you do, it will always find you. I have spent more days crying in my dark closet than I have doing something I enjoy. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
• In November it was everything I could do to not pull over on the Blatnik Bridge and get out. I felt like I actually had no control over it. The only thing keeping me here is guilt and I'm sick of feeling guilty about everything. I just want peace. 
• I have sat in parking garages of the hospital and sobbed because I'm sick of being diagnosed with another thing. I'm sick of feeling like every ache or pain is a larger ailment, that I'm falling apart and I have no control over it. I am sick of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me. I'm sick of people assuming I'm fine because I "look good" when inside I'm constantly looking for a way out of life. 

With all of that, it's not hard to think that 2018 has to be better. Just statistically, a single person can't have continuous awfulness, right? I mean, it has to surely end sometime. So let's talk about my goals for 2018. I no longer have resolutions, I'm giving myself goals. 

• Lose 5 pounds. Seems easy and lame but it's going to be everything in me to lose that given all of my health issues and restrictions. I'm going to try though. 
• Do a boudoir shoot. I feel like I'm at the most disgusting physical state that I have ever been in and every time I look in the mirror I cry at how wrecked my body is, it's been to actual hell and back and I hate every inch of it. Seems logical to do this photo shoot, right? I figure maybe someday I can do another one and it'll be an improvement. 
• Do a regression therapy session. I feel like I really need to go back to my trauma and see it happen. I am hopeful, I am terrified, I am every range of emotion. I worry that my emotional state will be worse afterwards but honestly, what do I have to lose at this point? 
• Do one fun mini trip with my kids and Matt. Last year we did Florida and that's not happening this year, but I'd like to do something with them. 
• Find a medication cocktail that actually works and that I can afford. 
• Go to a concert. I have two on deck for next year, but I'd like to find two more. 
• Read 105 books. 
• Plan a 15th anniversary trip with Matt for 2019. Just us, no kids. 
• Finish my book. I am half way through it and I'm finding I need to take large breaks between writing sessions because I am an emotional mess. 
• Do a random act of kindness every month. One of things that used to give me joy is spreading kindness, doing something nice just because for someone. I've started on that this month already but I am running on the theory that if I do it more, it'll bring more joy. We'll see. 

I hope 2018 is kinder to you as well. I know we all have problems. People are out there dying and they don't want to, and I'm over here wishing I was dead. I understand the absurdity of that. It is what it is. These are the cards I was given, I'm shuffling them and dealing them out as many different ways as I can and I'm trying. Nobody can say I'm not trying. God speed, lambs. 

2017.. let's do it. Easy like Sunday morning, baby.

I am not usually that one who is all ready to go for a new year and making plans and such because I know myself. I know full out that tomorrow morning I'm probably going to be like, "meh... being fat isn't so bad... I'm always warm. There's that." But this year I feel like I have a real obligation to do something with myself and with this year. I think dying twice in 2016 qualifies this as the big "Second Chance" that most don't get and you're supposed to do something profound with. Which stresses me out and kind of makes me feel a little panicky because.. what if I really suck at it? But I've got plans, lambs. Possibly mediocre and lame, but plans nonetheless.

• Complete all 9 weeks of the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class with Matt. We're signed up and I'm nervous about it being hard and scary, but we are going to do it. 
• End the year with $1000 in our emergency account. By god, nobody is allowed to die this year. 
• Finish my book. I know, you're like, "FINALLY" and I'm like, "I've got 3 typed pages!" but I'm going to do it. I swear. 
• I'm going to Florida to see family. I don't know how, but it has to happen. I feel a weird urgency about it so I need to make it a priority. 
• I'm going to celebrate turning 35 in March big. I'm not sure how, but by god, it's a milestone for sure. 
• I'm going on a friend vacation. I don't know when/who/what/where, but I am going to leave this house and I'm going to do something I've never done and get on a plane with friends and go somewhere. And do something. And probably eat a lot of ice cream. 

That's it. I have to get creative and work on some of these but I feel like I want to walk out of 2017 saying it was a great year. That it was the best year ever. I can't end 2017 feeling suicidal, scared, depressed, sick, and awful. I just can't.