The Halloween That Broke Me

I'm not trying to be dramatic with the title, but it really feels like Halloween is going to be the event I look back on to say, this is it- this is where I lost my actual mind. It wasn't the start of the pandemic, it wasn't even summer. It was Halloween.  

Halloween was supposed to be OK. I really debated for weeks on what we were going to do. I chickened out and didn't buy tickets for Boo at the Zoo. I bought costumes and I bought candy to hand out thinking maybe we would go out. In the end, I chickened out because I was afraid we'd get sick but also, I was afraid numbers city wide would spike and we'd be virtual schooling so I thought I would do my part. 

So my shark, Golden Armor Wonder Woman, teenager, and tween panda all stayed home in the end. 

I solidly convinced them that staying home, staying up late to watch movies, eat candy, and hang out would be WAY cooler than trick or treating in the wind. The big kids were in charge of handing candy out to people who came and everyone who did come got handfuls, several handfuls of candy, from us. We watched Hocus, Pocus and, fight me if you must, but I think that movie is stupid. Penelope agreed with me and she's basically always right. The big kids and I made pom pom's (more on that in a different post) and it was fine. 

It was a fine Halloween. 

Fast forward a week or so later and, SHOCKER, Covid numbers county wide spiked because people didn't social distance, had Halloween parties, hanging out at the bars, doing all of the things we would do on a regular Halloween. So now? 

Now we're virtual schooling until at least the end of November but I'm not stupid and I don't realistically think numbers will go down to safer levels until the end of January at best so here we are. 

It is really as bad as I thought/knew it would be. Granted, it is far more organized than it was in the spring and I am so thankful our school district is as great as it is. I have zero time for people who critique our district like they do because ours is great. It's organized, everyone is doing their best, there are systems in place, and staff at all levels are working their asses off.

When I see people who are "I worry about the mental health of people" on social media? You need to worry about me. I am the mental health issue. I am barely making it. If you ask me how you can help or what I need? I need someone to do it for me. Let me sleep and be alone because that's the extent of what I'm capable of right now. 

Olivia and Jackson are doing great, but they are pretty responsible and great all on their own so I had no worries. Both are keeping great grades, I get nothing but compliments from teachers and it is totally fine. No worries. 

Penelope... I think the problem with Penelope is she is impatient and too smart. That is kind of a dangerous combination in general but when you're in a virtual learning environment, it is pretty awful. 

Day one she was all about it. She has a computer from school, the novelty of doing things on the computer hasn't worn off, and it is all fun and exciting. Day two until now (which is literally only a week, it's only been a full week) and she's over it. She's bored, I have to bribe/fight her to get on, let alone participate. We take all of the screen breaks, we do activities, I've had crafts set up during break time so she doesn't get bored. We've gone outside, we've done exercise, we've had snacks, we've played toys, we've listened to music, etc. It all goes meh until I say, "a few minutes left and then we will get ready for writing/math/etc" and all hell breaks loose. She cries, screams, throws her body wherever, it is not pretty. 

We've had some highlights, like gym class, art, and music. Those have been OK. Granted, we've only had one class of each over the week so far so it's early yet. She flies through her work and worksheets. She refuses to write, she refuses to add to a picture and says, "you can't force creativity, MOM!" and just imagine she's screaming it because that's what it is. 

It's so hard. 

Meanwhile I've got Lucy who would do school, in any form, 24/7. She wants more and more. I've been finding things for her to do but at the same time, I can only do so much with her because I'm forever trying to get Penelope to sit down and focus. We've tried different rooms in the house, having someone sit with her the entire time, its just a struggle. 

No joke I asked Matt how against pulling them from school all together he was and he didn't say no.... but it's not like he wholeheartedly agreed, either. 

Plus Lucy loves it and is fully engaged. She's even doing well with virtual speech therapy so I'm hopeful that continues. *knock on wood*

In the meantime, I'm just over here crying all day on breaks. I'm so over all of it. I'm sick of things being the way they are, I'm sick of people saying we all need to get sick and build immunities because they are so stupid and I just can't anymore. The fact that people who barely passed high school science classes think they know more about viruses and herd immunity than say, lifelong career scientists, is beyond me. 

Beyond. 

I'm just trying to get through this week. We are flying to Florida to see my family next week. We have reasons for going, and I'm not sharing it here, but know that if I felt like we had other options, I'd take them. It is not ideal, I am scared shitless, I haven't slept in days because I am terrified of getting sick but equally terrified any of our little family will get sick, but we are taking every precaution. It's a quick trip, we are quarantining afterwards, and I'm hoping for the best. So, think good thoughts for us. 

Because we're also flying there, like I mentioned, and the little girls have never been on a plane so yay. I'm THRILLED. 

We're ready. Kind of. #teamhybrid

To say I am nervous for this school year is an understatement. I'm upbeat and positive for my kids but on the inside I'm kind of freaking out. I'm not worried for them, I think they are going to be totally fine. They adjust well to different things, even the little girls, so I am not worried about that. 

I'm more worried about me forgetting to pick them up, dropping them off at the wrong places at the wrong times. I'm worried about myself getting sick. I'm worried about the days they are home and I have to help with things on their virtual days. I am thrilled that I know Penelope and Lucy's teachers, and I'm thrilled Olivia has a bunch of people to ask for help. Jackson is at the same school so its basically the same as last year, just less kids. 

Honestly I was thinking about it and I think this might cut down on bullying and fights at school, maybe? I don't know. My kids haven't had experiences with that so much but I hear about it from various schools. 

So Lucy had her meet and greet and was totally ready and excited for it. She has the same teacher Penelope had last year and Penelope has hyped up 4K pretty well so Lucy is all about it. She went in, sat down, made friends with the assistant teacher, and it was quick and easy. 

I'll get first day photos too but I took some during meet and greet in case I forget because you know, I might actually forget. 

Oh, and since Penelope got her hair cut, Lucy DESPERATELY wanted hers cut. We only got a little cut off and I'm so glad Matt was the one to take her because I would have cried. I don't know why her hair is such an emotional thing for me, but no joke, I'm sad her first curls are gone. It could also just be me this week, I'm kind of a sad sack and really struggling to get through it. 

Penelope had her meet and greet too, and she was a little more nervous about it because it is a new teacher and new room. She's excited to be a KINDERGARTNER (can anyone here believe this?!), it really feels like she was just my little toddler getting into everything last week. 

Sigh. 

So she's a little more nervous about it, but I think she is going to be fine. The teachers at their school are amazing so she's in good hands. Last year she had such a hard time making friends and she would just stand there and cry on the playground and it broke my heart to see it. We don't see her shy side at home, it's quite the opposite, so I don't know how to help that. Especially because of Covid, it's not like we can do play dates or go to random parks to play. We've mostly avoided that since March. 

Olivia also had her high school laptop pickup and it went OK. She is terrified of getting lost because it's a huge building. She got her schedule though and I told her I'll get her there with plenty of time to find where she needs to go. Jackson has yet to get his schedule so that's fun. 

I'm hoping for a good year. I'm realistic enough to know we likely won't be in the building all year but I remain hopeful. I'm basically crossing my fingers. 

Momlife is all of the things.

I know I've given you a bevy of book reviews and almost no update on real life stuff. It isn't like I'm living a glamorous life over here but you know, stuff is happening, things are shaking and moving.

My office/library/craft room remodel is currently stalled. As it turns out you need money to go to IKEA. Which, who knew, right? Well that kind of puts a damper on the party because BILLS so I am probably going to have to wait another month or two before I can make the trip. Definitely a bummer, but not the end of the world.

In the meantime though, I bought this AND put it together myself!

Matt wasn't nearly as proud as I was expecting but whatever. It feels relatively stable and rolls, so I think I did it right. Then I realized none of the stuff I wanted on her fits so that's awesome. HA! I'll come up with a plan B for it but for now it's under a shelf with my die cut machine and laminator because those don't currently have a home.

I always forget how tough winter is until we're in the thick of it. Thankfully it isn't ridiculously cold like it usually is and I'm OK with that. I haven't complained about the temperature one time this year and if we have to have winter I will gladly take these 20s and 30s every year. It's things like this though that make me think about global warming and climate change and what it is going to be like in 50 years. What if it is really awful? What if I'll be dead and my children have to suffer through this?

That's the kind of thing I've been thinking about all of the nights I can't get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Speaking of, that's a thing now. Insomnia is super fun. I did see my psychiatrist today though and I mentioned to him that at night time I'm getting tremors, mostly in my hands, arms, and head. It only starts around dinner time and progressively gets worse. Considering I haven't had any medication changes and even though I thought it was the Metformin, it was still happening when I stopped, the running theory is my Propranolol. I take that for migraine management and it has worked really well for three years but last week I had migraines every night, to the point I thought maybe I was having a stroke and should go to the ER. The next step is to try an extended form of Propranolol because according to my GeneSight test, this is one of the drugs my body metabolizes not normally or "as expected" and one of the side effects of it wearing out are tremors. I'm going to try this new form, with a slightly higher dose, and hope for the best.

He mentioned maybe changing my Wellbutrin because he doesn't think it's working the way it should but I told him I'll wait until my appointment in April. The last thing I need when I travel to DC/NYC with Olivia is to be messing around with my mental health medication. Could you even imagine??

Speaking of, Olivia and I are going to Washington D.C. and New York City in March! The eighth graders in her school have the option of going and I knew right away I was going to get her there come hell or high water, and so my parents and I paid her fee. They gifted me the money to go as well and Olivia is super excited. I'm excited because I've never been but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I am in the process of getting all of my notes and medical information together just in case. Once I get the for real itinerary I'll tell you all the things we get to do. It's a jam packed week, that's for sure!

Speaking of Olivia, I just signed her high school registration form. I cannot even believe how quickly it is all going. It seems like yesterday she was starting kindergarten and I was worried about her not eating her lunch and here I am, signing off on her choices of freshman classes. I swear, as soon as your children are done with elementary school they are practically done. The years fly by and I can't catch my breath. I'm constantly worried I'm not doing enough. I only have FOUR years left to make sure I've given her enough to go out into the world on her own and be confident about it. I have four years of slowly letting go and man.

I'm not ready.

I finally understand it when people told me it is so hard. I don't know if there is anything you can do to feel ready.

So yeah. I've got that. Penelope will be in kindergarten next year and I'm hoping we can open enroll her because next school year is going to bring changes that I'll talk about another time. I'm still working through them. Jackson is working hard in his first year of middle school and I am so proud of how much effort he puts in. He just wants to do a good job and I know it feels like he has big shoes to follow coming up behind Olivia but I'm trying to make him understand he has to make his own footprints.

Growing up is hard. It's also really hard to watch your kids grow up and know there is only so much you can do to help and guide them. Matt and I are trying to find that balance of helping and then letting them fail, with a safety net.

Besides that, our furnace is disintegrating (literally), we need a back door, we need to put some heat registers in the front porch, and we need to win the lottery. So you know, the usual.

Urine & Scat = coolest words EVER.

One of the best parts about being in school is no doubt, field trips. I am usually the parent who volunteers to help out on the field trips, and that's kind of fun. I love watching my kids interact with other kids and see them learn in a new environment and see how they are when they are when they aren't with me. I don't always get to see that and it's fun.

Sadly, Jackson's class was going on a field trip to a nature center and the plan was to snow shoe. Now, something I'm not into is nature and snow shoeing sounds like the worst time ever. So obviously I was out for chaperoning that one. BUT, Matt is outdoorsy, and owns proper winter gear, and his jacket zips up. (Mine currently does not because Penelope is living in my uterus.) Matt has actually never been on a field trip so doesn't know what he's supposed to do, but I am trying really hard to get him more involved with kid things because I think that's a good thing.

Matt was a bit reluctant, but Jackson was absolutely THRILLED that his dad was going to come on a field trip with him and his class.

The day of the field trip, it turns out we don't have enough snow to snow shoe and it was actually pretty warm out. Lucky jerk. Every time I end up on an outdoor field trip, it's freezing and raining. Every time.

But Matt went. Jackson made me confirm with Matt several times to make sure his dad was going to be there. Thankfully, Matt was on time and was such a good sport. Matt tells me they had a great time learning about "Scat and Tracks". Apparently, Jackson's most favorite thing of the whole trip was learning that another word for poop is scat.

Jackson tells me his dad was the coolest because his dad found a woodpecker and the kids thought that was pretty awesome. Overall Jackson had a really great time and when I picked him up from school, he wouldn't stop raving about how great it was that Dad came on his trip.

My cute little explorer, looking for scat.

But the best part? Is now Jackson looks for every opportunity to use the words scat AND urine. He tells me when he's scatted on a daily basis now. I don't think he can tell you a thing about animal tracks but now he's fascinated with poop. He even checked out a book at the library today because he heard from a kid it had illustrations of dragon scat.

No, I'm not even kidding. This actually exists and he is in love.

I think he has one more field trip this school year and I think it's bowling. Unfortunately, I think it's after I have Penelope so I will do my best to get a sitter and see that I can go. I always wished my mom could have gone on field trips with my class but she always had to work. Totally understandable. I hope my kids appreciate all of the time I spend volunteering in their class and at their school. I know Jackson appreciated Matt being there on his first field trip in first grade.

Multiplication is going to be the death of me.

For readers who are paying attention, my Olivia is in third grade this year. Olivia is super smart. She always test very well, always in the top ranking of the class, always in the top one or two percentile nationwide in basically everything. I felt like the first three years of school I was going to get by easily because she just picks up everything so effortlessly.

Until third grade.

More specifically, until multiplication.

Now, I fully understand that with the Common Core standards math is taught drastically different than when I was in school. And for the most part, I'm fine with that. Even if I don't understand it, that's not the important part. The important part is that my child understands it and can learn math concepts. And while I haven't understood how to do her math any other year using these new standards, I have always been able to go to the teacher and get some guidance and every year, that's worked out beautifully.

This year we are working on multiplication and division and I swear to you all, I am going to lose it. It's gotten to the point where I am actually telling her to ignore what her teacher is telling her because they way they are doing it makes no sense at all. At conferences, I brought this up and it's like the teacher understood my frustration, but gave us no other alternatives other than to keep trying. Well that's out the window. This week I started working with her on her times table and I thought by god- this kid is going to memorize it, and we'll work out the rationale later. Homework time has been reduced to tears (mine), frustration, then she cries, then we fight, and I know in that scenario she isn't retaining anything at all.

I fully understand the rationale behind explaining a math concept and having them know that 4x3=12, but also being explain what that actually means- that four rows of oranges over here multiplied by the three columns of oranges over here is going to give you twelve oranges. I agree that this is a great method to use, and frankly, maybe if it was explained that way to me as a kid I wouldn't have struggled so hard in math my whole life. But right now, I'm watching a highly intelligent, studious, happy girl dissolve into tears over homework.

I also hate that I am having to take it into my own hands at this point. Because frankly? I'm not a teacher for a reason. I did not go to school to be a teacher, I have no idea what I am doing and that's why I don't home school. I'm not kidding myself, I have no idea what I'm doing. I want her to be able to do well on assignments, without me guiding her along, but also do well on tests to show that she actually can do it.

The nice thing is that it isn't just my kid. I have talked to a lot of other parents with kids in the same boat. What gets me is that of the parents I spoke with, we're all very hands on with our children's education and they are struggling. What about the kids who don't have parents at home who care enough to help with homework? Those kids are getting lost in the shuffle and that's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do about that. But I do know that if multiplication is this hard with Olivia, I'm terrified for when Jackson gets there because he's not nearly as studious as her. He's smart, but he doesn't love school work enough to really put effort into it. And if third grade is this hard? God help me from here on out.

Why my porch smells like rotten milk.

Some of the people who know me in real life visit me often and drop by my house to borrow books, movies, kitchen shit, and sometimes I think they come because they know Matt will go get us ice cream without asking. Which is totally fine because I love having company and I think some of them secretly try to bust into my house to see it messy.

Which it rarely is, so I'm always on my toes.

But recently I've had a LOT of comments about the putrid rotten milk smell up in here and I know. I totally know it's rotten and rancid and bad. I KNOW. But there is a reason for it and it's a good one, so there.

Some of you know that I recently became the PTO President a few months ago. The job is pretty stressful so I completely understand how our previous President had to step down because it is a huge time commitment and she is hecka busy with her regular life. After I got my bearings about me and had someone of a vague idea of what I should be doing, it was time that we tackle... the milk caps.

Now, around here we have a semi-local milk company called Kemps that runs this super great program called the Nickels for Schools and it's basically we turn in specially marked milk caps, they give us a nickel for each one. It's simple for parents and the PTO gets the benefits. We also do the Box Tops for Education and the Labels for Education on select Campbells' products. (Do you just throw these out? DON'T! Our school could definitely use them!) Anyways. So the previous president told me she had a few bags of milk caps that needed to be counted and so we arranged for a time for Matt to pick them up after skiing one day. No problem.

Until...

Matt got home. Holy shit he was PISSED. Because I failed to ask how big the bags were... and there were five lawn sized trash bags. *gulp* Now, I didn't think it would take us long to count them because I had recently counted what was collected on the front table and I got through 2019 caps in about 20 minutes.

So after Matt dragged them into the house, we started counting them when the kids went to bed. We got through 4000 and had to quit. Our eyes were bugged out, we were both exhausted and it's hard to count when you're watching Hoarders at A&E because you look around yourself sitting in a pile of milk caps and think perhaps you aren't the person to be judging these folk. So we went to bed.

The next morning, I stepped in a HUGE fucking puddle on my living room carpet. Guess what happened? Some of the bags collected moisture and the caps had frozen into huge blocks of ice (they were stored in a garage, so this happens) and yeah..... overnight they thawed. On my stank ass already carpet. It was right around then that the smell of rotten milk wafted across me and I almost threw up right then and there. I had to go to work that morning and get the kids to school and to my mom's so I didn't have time to deal with it. When I came home, I was cleaning up a really disgusting mess.

Matt, obviously, was so pissed off he wouldn't look at me.

Rightfully so.

Because in the midst of the milk cap counting we were dealing with the hole in the wall in the living room situation. I feel bad that I didn't take a picture of all of the caps when they were in the massive pile because it was five times the size of this- no lie.

 Each box fits 2000 caps perfectly and I ended up with ten boxes total. So.. add more to this pile which is in my front porch. It all goes on Thursday so THANK GOD because my front porch now smells like rotten milk.

 Our school is also doing a classroom contest to see which class can collect the most milk caps, box tops, soup labels, etc so I had to come up with some collection containers. I ended up taking 20 empty coffee cans from my work and making them not look like coffee cans. But they made the other half of my porch look ghetto as well.

 But the cans aren't half bad. It's just awkward carrying twenty coffee cans into school.

So I've been busy. It's a good fundraiser for the school though so I'm happy to do it. I'll just be really happy when the milk caps are gone. And I'll have to just stay on top of the counting and boxing them up. Which I will be, no big deal. But I will say that Matt is kind of a milk cap counting rock star. He had a total system going and really counted more than I did, so fist pumps and booty shakes for him.

In other news, I'm fucking EXHAUSTED right now. Today was shit hole Tuesday which means I've only peed once and eaten none today. It is now 8:05pm and I am making Matt go get me something because I feel sick. And if you're wondering? I made it to everything without his help. Matt came to 4K registration, which was a stinking ZOO, and I ended up doing all of the paperwork while he sat and had pizza with the kids. I'll share more about that (with pictures) tomorrow.

What I was doing when I was cheating on you.

Pretty much the entire month of June on Wednesdays I was cheating on you. I wasn't posting those night and I didn't tell you why. But it's OK because now I have something fancy to hang.

Basically... I'm trying to try new things and experiences. My friend Emily and I joined a stained glass class and figured it'd be a cool thing to do one night a week, end up with hopefully a not lame ass project, and just try not to cut ourselves a lot. Fortunately, it was all that. And a shit ton of hard work.

Day one started with picking your pattern and your glass and some first steps. Emily and I were the only ones who came early (like we were told) to do those two things. There were three other women in the class and by the end of day one, both Emily and I decided maybe we were the smartest. At least the most efficient and able to understand instructions. Fortunately, I had a brilliant moment and asked which pattern would be the easiest- mostly because I'm lazy and all about the easy. So I got that, and the glass:

 Then we had to cut out our pattern and glue onto our glass. We didn't get any further because of the slow people who don't understand the concept of tracing and cutting. They truly looked at the instructor like an idiot when she told us to trace and cut. And their faces when she handed them a glue stick? I seriously at that moment thought maybe I should be in the advanced class.

Day two was cutting glass. Not going to lie, this was kind of scary. You have to score it then break it, and yeah. It was kind of hard. I'm not good at cutting things with curves. I can do it, but it's kind of a pain.

 Then you had to place your pieces on your pattern to see how much you have to grind.

 Then you grind and try not to fuck your pieces up. But I kind of loved grinding. I could have grinded all day. And the other three did. Emily and I though.. super efficient. We were feeling pretty confident with our stained glass skills at this point.

 But then MOTHER FUCKER, it came to the part where you wrap your pieces (easy) and soder (hard). I will be the first to say this was my first attempt at sodering anything. It's harder than hell. And so now when I see a tiny stained glass piece for an astronomical price? I totally understand why. This is quite possibly, the worst activity ever. Not only should you not have low blood sugar and the shakes when doing this, but you should just not get too excited about melting metal. You know why? Because then you are forever trying to clean up the globs and lumps. I think I spent a solid two classes trying to fix my soder so it didn't look like someone with Tourettes was doing this.

 I kind of failed on that. Because it's really hard. This was the best I could do.

 This is my finished piece. Because I'm really stupid, I sodered my chain hooky things to the wrong god damn side and was too lazy to change it. Oh well. So my piece would hang backwards. I say "would" because it's been on my counter since June 30. I'm just not sure where the hell I'm going to put it.

So all in all... we had a good time. I like doing things with Emily because she's laid back, she's funny, and she isn't afraid to try new things. Even if they do end up being way more expensive that we were initially told. The class fee was $45 plus supplies. On the first night we paid $40 for supplies. But every single week there was more and more stuff to buy. I think in the end I ended up paying like $120? Or more? It's an expensive piece of artwork. That doesn't even look that great. Oh well. HA!

The next thing we're doing is obviously the 5K in August. Then in September we're going to do a cake decorating class. Confession: I suck shit at baking cakes, getting them out of the pans, and then frosting. Good lord I can't frost. So if there is ever a time I'll make an ass out of myself it'll be in this class. I'll take pictures of my um... creations.

In the meantime.. I have something SPECIAL for my vlog on Friday. But I'll only be doing one if I get a few more questions for Dear Sara. You need to email me (sarastrand9438AThomtailDOTcom) by tomorrow evening or leave a comment on this post of something you'd like me to answer. Anything at all, lovelies.