The actual day of Lucy's birthday was tough. My plan was to stay as busy as possible so that I couldn't focus on my feelings. Because avoidance always works, right?
The worst part is that the day I gave birth to Lucy had started with me waking up to blood everywhere, that's what cued me to have Matt come home and take me in. Also keep in mind I only get a day or period every few months, in the last year I have only had menstrual bleeding for 4 days total. The morning of her birthday I didn't feel right and when I went to the bathroom to get dressed? Blood everywhere. I seemingly had gotten a period and that was my first panic attack of the day. It was horrible.
After her nap Matt had come home because the one thing I really wanted to do on her birthday, even if it was emotionally detrimental to me, was visit the birthing center. I wanted to show them that I made it, Lucy made it, say thank you, and show them that their hard work in a scary situation paid off. We brought cookies that my friend Becky made (she made our wedding cake, too!) and it was... surreal.
It's probably best that it was going through a major remodel when I was having Lucy and nothing looks the same. They said my room doesn't look the same at all so it wouldn't bring any memories most likely. I don't know that I could have gone in there anyways. I got to see so many people and even my delivering doctor walked over from clinic real quick and that was a surprise. I have connected with some of these people on Facebook so they've seen some of my struggles this year and though I still struggle every day, I'm trying so hard. I don't want to disappoint anyone.
Our nurses gave me some flowers and had a little gift for Lucy (which she absolutely loves, by the way!!) and it was so nice to visit with them. I was doing alright until we left. I started feeling a prickly heat as we went down in the elevator and walked down the hallway to the front door of the hospital. I remember that walk from the day I left last year. By the time we got into the van I was in tears. I cried the whole way home. The full weight of the last year sitting right in my chest.
Fisher Price instrument set and she loved it!
That weekend we were having a small birthday party for Lucy and I was doing OK until the day of. My anxiety was high and I honestly debated on calling it all off the night before. I decided to just pull my crap together and do it because it's not about me, it's about Lucy. Lucy deserves everything the other kids have had even if it's rough on me. I'm in counseling, what's another session?
But Lucy is officially one. WE MADE IT.