Friday, August 11, 2017

Lucy's First Birthday

The actual day of Lucy's birthday was tough. My plan was to stay as busy as possible so that I couldn't focus on my feelings. Because avoidance always works, right?

The worst part is that the day I gave birth to Lucy had started with me waking up to blood everywhere, that's what cued me to have Matt come home and take me in. Also keep in mind I only get a day or period every few months, in the last year I have only had menstrual bleeding for 4 days total. The morning of her birthday I didn't feel right and when I went to the bathroom to get dressed? Blood everywhere. I seemingly had gotten a period and that was my first panic attack of the day. It was horrible.
Around mid-morning Lucy had her check up appointment at the doctor and I was so flustered I had forgotten to ask about her feet being purple when she wakes up from naps or in the morning. I'm pretty sure she also has Raynaud's Phenomenon like me but I just wanted to make sure. She got her vaccinations and handled them like a champ.

After her nap Matt had come home because the one thing I really wanted to do on her birthday, even if it was emotionally detrimental to me, was visit the birthing center. I wanted to show them that I made it, Lucy made it, say thank you, and show them that their hard work in a scary situation paid off. We brought cookies that my friend Becky made (she made our wedding cake, too!) and it was... surreal.

It's probably best that it was going through a major remodel when I was having Lucy and nothing looks the same. They said my room doesn't look the same at all so it wouldn't bring any memories most likely. I don't know that I could have gone in there anyways. I got to see so many people and even my delivering doctor walked over from clinic real quick and that was a surprise. I have connected with some of these people on Facebook so they've seen some of my struggles this year and though I still struggle every day, I'm trying so hard. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Our nurses gave me some flowers and had a little gift for Lucy (which she absolutely loves, by the way!!) and it was so nice to visit with them. I was doing alright until we left. I started feeling a prickly heat as we went down in the elevator and walked down the hallway to the front door of the hospital. I remember that walk from the day I left last year. By the time we got into the van I was in tears. I cried the whole way home. The full weight of the last year sitting right in my chest.
When we got home we let Lucy play and took some cute pictures.
She's such a doll. I feel like I'm just now bonding with her.
She loved her balloons, she plays with that doodle board every day and fights Penelope for it.
Our family tradition is that we have one gift for the kiddos to open on their birthday, and one the day of their party. (Except age 9 is the last party we do, family rules.)
Our gift to Lucy was a little Fisher Price instrument set and she loved it!
My friend Tammy had flowers delivered to me and it was so sweet. My friend Andrea had my amazing purse making friend Jessica make a purse I adored.
My mother in law brought me a pretty plant and these are the flowers from my favorite nurses. I had gotten so many texts and emails from people wishing me well and letting me know they were thinking of me. It meant so much to be remembered. I went to bed with a heavy heart, an uncertainty in my future, and a few tears.

That weekend we were having a small birthday party for Lucy and I was doing OK until the day of. My anxiety was high and I honestly debated on calling it all off the night before. I decided to just pull my crap together and do it because it's not about me, it's about Lucy. Lucy deserves everything the other kids have had even if it's rough on me. I'm in counseling, what's another session?
This is the amazing cake my friend Becky made for the party, you can tell we were going with a Dory theme.
Lucy had her first sucker, loved eating all of the cake and ate her weight in baked beans. (You can imagine what a treat those diapers were the day after. HA!)
She had fun with the water table, soaked herself through and through. Bounced in the small jumpy house a long time, and played with her cousin Adriana.
It was a great party. Lucy got some great gifts, we got to see our good friends, and it ended up being a great end to a really rough week.

But Lucy is officially one. WE MADE IT.

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