Meet George and Banana

I can't remember if I mentioned that we had to put one of our cats, Lola, down in October/November? Long story short, we thought she was sick and it turns out she was literally full of cancer. Like FULL. We had no idea because she was such a fluffy cat so we couldn't feel any lumps or anything, but that's what it was. We put her down and we've all been sad without her here. Our last remaining cat, Batman, was clearly sad and he was quickly losing weight, and he would make the most pitiful moaning/meowing sound, clearly looking for Lola. He would go to each of her spaces all day, and we were starting to think maybe he was depressed.  

Fast forward until December and I saw a Facebook post about two kittens that were abandoned/found in a barn and in really rough shape. Of course I wanted one, plus they looked like Batman so I thought we'll go and pick one. 

Matt and I got to the place and I was immediately connected with George (he's fluffier, long hair) and Matt was loving on Banana (short hair) and the kitties were reaching for each other. You guys. 

I had to have both. I can't separate baby kitty brothers who are the only surviving of the litter since everyone else starved or froze to death. I could not separate them. They had different names that were lame, and I decided my cat would be George (left) so Jackson said the other kitten would be Banana (right). 

I was worried how Batman would adjust and it was an iffy first day, but from then on? He's a good dad. He holds them down when they get too rowdy around him or when he aggressively cleans them. He is CLEARLY happier and he's putting on weight again and he's wanting love from us again, so I know we made the right decision. 

See? We bought a new cat tree and he's out and about, willing to pose for photos. Yes, I know he's a large cat. He's large and in charge. 

Yes, Twinky loves them, too! They cuddle with him a lot, he lets them eat his food, he kind of just sits there with a "please help me" face and you have to move a kitty to the other bowl. 

The best part? George and Banana are always looking for each other. They meow for each other in the dark, which is annoying because I thought cats could see really well at night but these two are apparently blind and/or dumb. They also prefer to sleep together. They really don't care where they sleep, but they like to be together. They are LOUD when they purr and they purr all of the time and I love it. George is more cuddly and he's definitely lazier, likes to eat more. Banana is thinner, definitely more wild, and he likes to be in the toilet. We don't know why but it is alarming to just... see a cat in the toilet. 

Matt is an absolute sucker for kittens, and I forgot about that. They totally love Matt, probably because he's like a squishy cat tree, I guess. The only thing that isn't great? They have gas. George, especially. They have the strongest, grossest gas I have ever encountered, let alone in an animal. It's not awesome when they get snuggly with you and then just fart. It reminds me of the Walter, the Farting Dog books because for real. 

See? They snuggle together and honestly, how can you not want to squish them?? 

The kids really love her, Penelope especially. Penelope really likes to pick them up and love them. A lot. We have to tell her to put them down quite a bit, but this is her and Lucy's first experience with kittens, so I can totally understand their excitement. 

Overall, I am so glad that we adopted two kittens on a whim. I am glad that we took both home because I can't imagine either one of them being without their brother, they are definitely a dynamic duo. 

Whatever Lola wants....

....Lola gets.

For those of you who think I can't talk Matt into things, I'd like you to meet Lola.

 Lola is my newest baby aka the third cat in our household. She's free of any obvious deformities and I believe Stumpy and Batman with their deformed tails (or lack thereof) are angry about this. Lola is perky and she is a pisser.

 She is super adorable and cuddly and then she will attack your face and attempt to gouge out your eyeballs. Then lick your ear.

 She runs kind of sideways but that's OK because she's still faster than Stumpy and Batman. Who are pretty well adjusted to her now. Things were sketchy because she licked Batman's butt without permission and then tried to suck on Stumpy's nipples are rightfully so- they were not happy. But now that she is no longer doing these things, things seem to be going OK.

 But isn't she adorable?? Matt said absolutely not to another cat and then I saw her and was like, yeah right. Watch me work my magic.

 And now she cuddles with him when he comes home from work and he can't say no. Mostly because I think he really does have a heart sometimes. But then he says no to a goat and I go back to calling him an asshole dream killer.

And guess what is happening right now?? Stumpy and Lola are sharing my reading chair with my Robert Pattinson blanket and kissing. Don't you scoff at me- of course I have a Robert blanket.

But she's quite the character and I think she plots evil things. She only attacks me in my sleep and then goes to love on Matt. Which, obviously this is wrong- he would have let her get disposed of by his dad and I rescued her! That bitch should be grateful that I took her in when she's free of deformities. I prefer deformed animals or at least ones who are mildly retarded like Stumpy. They are just so much more fun. But we'll see how she does. We have to get her shots and spayed and all of that jazz so here's hoping she calms down after that.

I need the Cat Whisperer. For the sake of my toilet paper and sanity.

Folks- these cats will turn me into an alcoholic if Matt doesn't do it first.

Stumpy and Batman have taken to being freaks in general. Lenny was weird, but now that he's in kitty heaven/decomposing under my apple tree, Stumpy and Batman obviously feel like they need to make up for his crazy which only adds to the crazy they were already bringing to the table.

In short, I have two cats who are mildly retarded and/or ADHD.

First, it was the ladybug that both cats stared at for over an hour. The bug was on the ceiling but my cats were like on surveillance and were not going anywhere.

 Then they sleep in the 69 position almost every night. Until Stumpy hogs the bottom 1/3 of the bed because he's obese and only one. But then Batman sleeps either on top of my head or in the crook of my neck. Which was cute when he was small but Batman, under his filthy and uncleaned mounds of fur, is a bit of a tub-o-lard himself and it's pretty much him trying to strangle me. But they start in the 69 and lick each other's special spots. Which Matt and I have to listen to. If that doesn't make you horny, I don't know what will.

 You may remember when my bedroom was a CSI crime scene a few weeks ago? Yes well, I have noticed that the cats are ALWAYS staring at the threshold of my bedroom. My bedroom floor isn't finished, so this is what it looks like. Now, I've looked down there thinking there MUST be a mouse. No. I can't see anything. But Batman was eating all of the insulation that was in there. So.. maybe that's like cat crack? But in my paranoia I made Matt put a board on this so a mouse (if that bastard is in there) can't come up.

 And then one morning, I woke up and had to pee. I knew I wouldn't make it upstairs so I went into the laundry room.. which is off my kitchen. I find this. This is TWO rolls of toilet paper and the basket upside down. Mother fuckers.

 Not even a week later, Matt goes up to take a shower and see this. Those fuckers not only clawed up the toilet paper, but knocked the garbage can over and chewed on EVERYTHING. Batman has a taste for qtips while Stumpy (who's obviously already mentally deficient) chewed the cotton balls which were soaked with nail polish remover. And Batman chewed on a pad. A used pad. It was really horrible to clean up.

 THEN. This morning, I go upstairs to pee and I see this. And folks? This is happening EVERY DAY. I'm going through so much toilet paper it's unreal. Do you know how expensive toilet paper is???

And don't tell me to shut my bathroom door. Because it doesn't shut very well and that's where the only heat vent for the upstairs is... and it'll be like a sauna with the door shut while the rest of the upstairs is frigid. So that's not an option.

But seriously. What the fuck? WHAT IS GOING ON??? Why can't I have cats who aren't weird assholes? Is it me? Do I push them over the edge and make them this way? All I know is that I can't afford a super pack of toilet paper every week.

So.. what should I do?? Does anyone know where I can get quality toilet paper for cheap??

Mouse CSI Crime Scene.

I'm going to start this post by telling you that you need to enter my GIVEAWAY otherwise you are a loser.

Then I'm going to tell you I have no pictures of the horrifying tale I'm about to tell you because:

1. It was gruesome.
2. I was throwing up.
3. I couldn't even get near it without gagging.

Sorry. I'm pretty sure you don't want to see it anyways. It really was that bad. It was kind of like this:



But instead of one nice pile.. well.. let's tell the story first.

It was Friday morning. I was tired. It was approximately 7am when I heard Stumpy and Batman playing in my room. They are often stupid and loud and play with Matt's dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor so I think nothing of it.

At approximately 7:02, Olivia and Jackson appear in my doorway.

7:02 and 3 seconds Olivia starts screaming, "It's a mouse! A REAL MOUSE!" and both kids run to the couch, crying hysterically.

7:02 and 5 seconds, I get up, groggy, put my slippers on. Only to find that Stumpy was throwing a mouse around my room, not a balled up sock.

From there everything happened fast. First I saw what appeared to be the mouse's ass on my beige rug. Then I see copious amounts of mouse blood all over my freshly painted white closet doors. Then I see that there are organs on the door as well. Just like these:


Mouse parts are strewn about my bedroom floor. And I'm going to be honest- I fucking RAN to the kitchen sink and barfed for a solid minute. I'm not even kidding. I can't handle any kind of bodily fluids, guts, blood, I just can't.

I don't know how I'm even a mother, if we're being honest. It's a good thing Matt can deal with this because he's what I call Triple P cleanup (pee-poop-puke) and I swear one day he's getting a customized shirt.

But after puking I decided I had to assess the situation. I got Stumpy (who's face is covered in guts/blood) and Batman (who had mouse shit-I think-on his back feet) out of my room by pushing them with my foot and then closed the door.

I forgot to mention the absolute inhumane noises these cats were making. Seriously. It was this super bizarre low growl/hiss/meow thing and it was CREEPY.

Anyways. So once I had taken stock of the disgusting situation I was in, I decided there was no way in fuck I was going to clean that up. NO WAY. So obviously I call Matt. Several times. The first message was like, "Um, yeah. This is your wife. You need to take a break, an early lunch, SOMETHING and get your ass to the mother fucking house RIGHT NOW because we are in CRISIS MODE! CRISIS! THERE ARE BLOOD AND GUTS EVERYWHERE AND I THINK IT'S DEAD-OH MY GOD-*gag/cough* (kids screaming in background) and it's horrible. I CAN'T DO IT! So if you could just come home like right effing now for 5 minutes that'd be swell. JACKSON!!! SHUT THE..." *hang up call*

So then I sent a bunch of mayday texts to Matt telling him it's a big deal and I'm serious about it.

*He never responds because hey- his cell phone is in his vehicle.*

After about an hour I realize he isn't coming. I'm pissed off. I go into the crime scene because I need to get dressed. I decide I can't see the guts anymore, so I copied what you see on crime shows, got some kitchen towels and an oven mitt, put it over the guts so I couldn't see them. I got dressed and we got the hell out of the house because mouse guts smell after awhile.

I didn't come home until 3:30 and only after I got a text saying "safe to come home now" from Matt. He left work a half hour early to deal with the situation. And then told me I'm an absolute pussy. Um hi, I already know that. And he did too. I made it plain as day that I don't do gross cleanup. I just don't and won't. EVER.

The bad part, while he did get it all cleaned up, is that there is a stain on my closet door from what we believe are maybe the kidneys? Of course I can't really testify to that because I was pretty much throwing up in my own hand when I saw it, but if I had to guess it looked like what I think a kidney maybe would. So obviously we're painting the door. Again.

Meanwhile, Stumpy and Batman are walking around here like King Shits and attacking and subsequently killing ever dustball that goes by like absolute badasses.

And I still gag thinking about it.

Lenny & Weekend Part One

So because some of you aren't on Facebook and have emailed me about Lenny-- he's officially passed away. I am incredibly angry with the Superior Animal Hospital that I can barely put it into words. First off, they never told us last week that once a cat gets urinary blockage that it basically will come back again and again. And the vet tried talking us into spending another $1100 to "maybe" fix it. Among other things I'm too angry to talk about, I almost hit that bitch. Thank god I had Matt with me because I could be in jail as we speak. Anyways. We made the decision yesterday and I think Lenny knew. We brought him in and after being kind of rude and insensitive to us, they get an IV in him for the euthanasia. He kept rubbing up against us and meowing and it was breaking out hearts. Literally seconds before they do it they asked if we've already paid and we told them to add it to the fucking bill. Lenny looked at me, meowed in a very sad way, and then he was gone. It was only seconds but it was awful. They let us hang out with him for a little while and by the time they took him I had cried so much he was soaking wet. They checked him out and Matt is going to bury him under our apple tree this evening. My face is super red and hurts from crying and blowing my nose so much. So now, I have no Lenny AND I'm stuck with a $1200 bill because hey! We have to pay to put him down. And to as soon as I saw his bowl & humping blanket when I got home? Totally lost it. I can't even tell you how heavy my heart is right now. So let's all take a moment and say goodbye to Lenny. (Thanks to a lovely lambwhore that made this for me!)

 *sigh*

OK. So I promised I would make an effort with a post so I'm going to write about part of my weekend. The other part (and funny pictures) will come tomorrow.

Saturday I drove down to River Falls to see Krysten and start the blog get-together weekend. Because I am an idiot I decided that I would take a risk and drive in a snowstorm. The fact that it took me an hour to get to Cloquet, which usually takes me 15 minutes, was not a good sign.

 And maybe the fact that it took me 3 hours to get to Hinckley when it's only an hour away was an even worse sign. Seriously. This picture? Is the only  time I could see the road and the car ahead of me. On a highway where it's 70mph max and 40mph min, I was doing 30. At one point we hit 20mph and the most I ever did was 40mph. And even that was iffy. It cannot be said I'm not a good friend, that's for damn sure.

 But once I got there, I got to see Krysten's new house which is amazing and I'm jealous of her fireplace. And that she has a guest bedroom. And her dog, Monte. And her cat, Molly. I can't say much for Metro because he hates women and that he's huge...but Monte and Molly liked me. And I liked the fact her dog humps her cat. I couldn't get a picture but someday I will. It was hilarious.

When I was there I watched Harry Potter movies 3 and 4 (guess what, Krysten?? We have movies 1-5. Who knew?? I didn't and I fucking live here! So I'm watching #5 tonight!) because I can't be her friend if I'm not up to speed on all things Potter. I'm working on it.

We ate junk food, talked about life and watched movies. It was a good night. Sunday we went to the Mall of America.. more on that tomorrow.

But here's a picture of Krysten and I holding Monte. The one with Monte licking my tongue was too blurry which is sad. And do you love how we are color coordinated without planning? I totally do.

Burned Out and Sad.

Hey folks- just a ghetto quickie post tonight for you.

I literally JUST got home from a fabulous weekend with Krysten whom I adore even more now. AND I'm going to steal her doggie, Monte. FYI. But more on that tomorrow.

Hopefully.

And I say "hopefully" because tomorrow is going to be really awful for me. You'll remember that last week I talked about Lenny and his urinary blockage? And I talked about on Thursday how we got him home after being in the vet for three days and accumulating a final bill of $1100? Well guess what? Lenny is blocked. Again. Matt called me this morning when I was with Krysten and I just started crying. Matt and I agreed on Thursday that if this were to happen again we'd have to put him down because $1100 is more than we have and frankly? We can't even pay this. And honestly- I thought I'd have more than a few days with him. I assumed a minimum of a few months, lucky if it was a few years. Days? Not so much.

Basically- Matt is bringing him to the vet at 7:30 in the morning tomorrow to have him looked at. He's wimpering kind of and meowing weird, constantly licking himself, etc. Same thing as last week. It doesn't look good and we know this- but I want to have it confirmed before we do anything. If they say what we think they will.... we are going to put him down. I'll drop the kids off at my mom's house and I'll meet Matt at the vet and we'll be with Lenny when he goes.

 Honestly? I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm not sure how schools can prepare vet techs to deal with this type of thing on a normal basis. I've had to put a pet down before, my dog Willie, but I was 15 and even though he was my dog... I wasn't there. I wanted to be but my dad did it when I was at school. (We had Willie cremated and he's in the hutch in my mom's dining room. Morbid... but I still can't part with him.) But this is different because he's my first pet as a grown up. Matt is really upset- I've only seen Matt cry once before so I know that this is just as hard on him. And I'm crying.

So if you don't hear from me tomorrow...you'll know why. But before I sign off for the evening- I want to thank those of you who bought stuff on my Etsy shop to help us out financially, those of you who just sent me money via PayPal, those of you who took the time to leave me a nice comment or email me... thank you. I shared all of them with Matt and we gave Lenny extra love. He thanks you too. But it's hard because I feel like we have failed him even though we've done everything that we could do. Financially.. we can't do anymore. And that really sucks. It sucks that it's come down to money.

But at the end... I know we gave him a happy life. We loved him a lot. We rescued him from a shelter and treated him like a king. I am absolutely heartbroken that tomorrow morning will be the last time I get to hug him and give him kisses. I hope he knows that we love him and this is our way of doing it. I can't listen to him be sad and in pain. It makes me feel ill because I can't do anything for him to make him better. So this evening, I have his favorite green humping blanket and his new food (which was supposed to make his peeing problem all better) under the table where he's currently hiding. We're going to bring him to the vet and pay the $200 (goodbye utility bill) to put him down and hopefully he'll go to Kitty Heaven where he can bite butts and hump blankets pain free.

Dear Lenny

Dear Lenny,

Yes, mom?

I would really appreciate it if you could just stop licking yourself all of the time. Your fur is always so clean and soft but I don't think that it requires you to lick for 40-60 minutes in one sitting. Doesn't your tongue get tired? Don't you cramp up from holding this pose?

Do I look sexy?

I get the dedication that it takes but let's be real here. The slurping noises you make while intensely licking? Prety fucking disgusting. I shouldn't have to move myself because you can't stop licking. Is this a form of masturbation for cats? Because the fact that you resorted to this is your own fault. I found a female cat ready and willing and instead of doing the cat thing and going at it, you shit yourself and hid under a bed. Nice. Instead, you prefer knitted blankets and licking yourself. You are weird. I love you, but you are weird.

And to be honest with you, I'm beginning to suspect all of your licking is what is causing the random puke piles you produce. That and eating 1/3 pound of raw hamburger while it's cooking probably isn't good either. I don't know why you do these things but let me tell you- momma is at her wit's end. Yesterday really was a banner day for puke- four piles. And for whatever reason, you chose to puke AFTER I cleaned the floor. Why? Why must you do these things? Do you enjoy watching mom gag while I clean it? Do you get off on that? Because I don't think it's cute OR funny. Shape up buster.

Love, Momma

This is what happens when FarmTown takes over your life

Hi, my name is Sara and I'm a FarmTown Addict. I should also mention that I give in to peer pressure easily, which is why I'm a FarmTown Addict. (Greg- sole responsibility for this is on you. FYI). In case you live under a rock and don't know the fabulousness and stupidity that is FarmTown, consider yourself lucky. FarmTown is an application on FaceBook (find me "Sara Koceja Strand") in which you plant and harvest crops. Stupid, huh? Yah, well when you start raking in the dough and you expand your farm- it takes over your life. Suddenly, I can't do anything without checking my crops. GOD FOR FUCKING BID my crops "go to waste". That has happened once to my 3 fields of grapes and I was kicking myself for days. It will never happen again. I will alter my sleep schedule, ignore breaks at work all so I can harvest and/or plant.


Which is how this little "situation" happened. This was like two weekends ago now, Saturday night, and I'm home harvesting my crops because I'm a badass mo' fo' like that. I hear Matt dicking around in the back porch which is literally is big piece of shit and I get angry just being out there. It's a useless sack what with the door not really shutting, the single pane glass window (original to the 100+ y.o. house yall- this bitch is "vintage") and the closets that some idiot "handmade". OH- let's not forget the purple paint and the newspaper shoved into a hole in the wall which was then painted over. LIKE WE WOULDN'T NOTICE THAT.


Anyways- so he's banging away and installing the new door that someone generously gave to us. We've had that thing in the garage for a few weeks and he's just now doing it. So I'm thinking, "Jesus H. Christ- it takes a long time to put on a door." I'm harvesting- he's banging. About 4 hours later, after discovering I can make even MORE money buy working on other people's farm (to which I did for 4 hours. Again, I'm the coolest bitch you'll ever know), I decide to inspect his work because we all know husbands work MUCH better under intense micromanagement and "what the fuck are you doing" accusations. At least mine does. You should try it- work HAPPENS.

So I go out to the porch and immediately, I'm like, "What the fuck????". Matt is obviously nowhere to be seen. Nope- no new door just massive destruction. The ugly peel and stick tile is gone, so the floor is sticky, and an entire wall was ripped down to the studs. For no reason other than he felt like it. Need proof??

No more tile...just sticky floor

This is where the newspaper was. It's now gone, but you'll notice our new peep hole. I can stick my hand through the hole to shake people's hands BEFORE the come in. Nice.

Really, who needs a wall?

Look! Another peep hole. Wow- people could probably get a decent hand job through this one.

THEN, after witnessing the unconceivable destruction of my back porch with no plans or money to renovate it, I decide to go back to FarmTown. But then.... holy shit lambs!!! There are two massive piles of cake puke in the middle of my living room. At some point my cat decided to throw up a lot of stuff, and Matt made an attempt to clean it. You'll notice this attempt is code for "We just sprinkle some stuff on top, leave the jug there, and hope the puke fairies come to finish it up." Yah, guess what? I left it for him. I don't do puke. Not cat or kid puke. Neither. I'd hire out if I were alone. I've actually been known to call Matt at work to handle a puke situation.

And then here comes the mother fucking culprit trying to be all cute. Fuck you, Lenny. WHY must you eat everything??? There is not enough carpet cleaner in the world to keep up with you. YOU are the reason I can't have new carpet. Your puke is so toxic it bleaches the damn color out of everything. Are you some kind of freak??? I'm already spending $25 every two weeks on your prescription food. He apparently has allergies therefore we have to feed him special kibbles that smell puke ironically. This has led, I believe, to Lenny becoming bulimic. He binges and obviously purges. Frequently.

(Side Note: Is it just me or does it look like Lenny is bracing for a beating? I would never do that, but let me assure you- no cuddles for HIM that night. No sir. That punk had to sleep on the floor of my room. That's right- the floor with no carpet. Also- I totally dig the fact his front paws have thumbs. Creepy, but cute)

So in the end, my back porch is tore up and will be forever at this rate. The new back door is in which looks like shit since it's painted hunter green and it obviously clashes with the purple walls. Lenny still pukes, but at least he has the decency to not flaunt it in front of me now. And Matt did clean up the puke. After I "gently" reminded him after he got all settled and was almost asleep. That was strategic, believe me.