Ely's Peak (attempt one)

Over the weekend we were kid free and I had this idea that because Matt likes nature, I would suck it up and go on a hike. I figured it would count as out exercise, I'll say I've been in nature, I'll have planned something really cool and fun for us, all of this. I have had MANY friends hike to Ely's Peak and say it is a super great hike, perfect for beginners. 

I am a beginner. 

So I find the instructions online. I inform him of our plans. (Disclaimer: this is where I'm going to insert the "Matt should have known better" statement because when a cognitively impaired person tells you they know EXACTLY where they are going but often can't remember where they live, you should do your own research and not listen to them.) 

We find the parking area easily. We get out, and ta-da! There is the wooden boardwalk!

It's a lovely boardwalk. We take it until it stops and notice that hey- there is a kind of steep hill to climb and we see stairs. OBVIOUSLY stairs mean we're in the right spot. 

We start walking and walking and ta-da! We came across the DWP tunnel, and it is at that point that I feel 100% confident we are going the right way. I didn't realize the tunnel was so long and that it would be so dark. It looks like the perfect place to dump a body because I'm not sure anyone would see it and I bet an animal would get to it before a person saw it. I'm just saying. 

We decide to go through the tunnel because of course, we see no other direction to go. There are no other trails. Just like I thought, it was DARK AS HELL. 

We get through the tunnel and we see a couple of maybe trails. There is one to our right that looks like sudden death. Another one that looks like death once you go further down. The ONLY trail that looks like the logical choice is this one. 

It looks like the OBVIOUS choice, right? Nowhere at this point did we see a map. We see people coming back down this. In our first two miles (yeah, you read that right) we saw people coming the opposite direction so we thought we were going the right way. 

Also around mile 1.75 we come across a woman with two dogs. She's alone, and asks us if we know where we are. We say of course not and she says well, she's going to just follow us. 

Oh good, bank your survival on us and that might not go well, consider we had been arguing over if this was right for the last twenty minutes. So she follows us until mile 2.6, which is when Matt and I called it. Our map thingie on our phone show we are going into the middle of nowhere. The information I had read said there would be blue markers and eventually a sign, none of which we saw and I just felt like if we hadn't see them yet it wasn't going to happen. 

So we tell the nice lady with the dogs that we were turning around and going home. She looked kind of bummed we weren't continuing on but honestly, I'm not sure where the hell she was going. 

I mean, we did see nature and periodically there were nice views so I guess it wasn't a complete bust? I will say though, it was HOT. We had water (thank god I remembered that) but I felt like I was going to pass out the last mile. I was pretty damn irritated though. When we got back to the tunnel we were looking around and saw an older couple trying to figure out where the hell to go too, so I didn't feel so stupid. 

This was us at the end. I was dripping wet in all of the wrong places, in definite need of food, my ankles and feet were so swollen, same with my fingers. My knees were also swollen and I hadn't really experienced that yet so that was fun. By the time we got back to the car we had walked 5.14 miles, which is more than double that we do on a nightly walk and those have me throbbing. The day after this little jaunt? My hips felt like they were falling apart. Have you seen that movie COCO? Where the skeleton guy just randomly falls apart? That's what I felt like. Like, I'm sorry, let me just pick up my femur, I seem to have dropped it. 

We got home and I showered, changed my clothes, took some medicine, drank my weight in water, ate a bunch of snacky things and stared at the wall while sitting on the couch. It took us almost two hours to decide if we were going to eat dinner and if so, what we were going to eat. 

After dinner though we did go to one of those ice cream shops that roll your ice cream. He saw it on Facebook a few nights before so I said that's what we'll do for his birthday weekend. 

I got a chocolate brownie, and it was OK. It wasn't anything amazing and it had a bit of an odd taste to it? 

His was definitely prettier, he got a strawberry mango. He said he wanted strawberry on top but got boba, which isn't what he wanted but whatever. We didn't eat in the shop because those tables and chairs hadn't been washed in a long time so we ate outside in the car and people watched. We can say we tried it but I'm not sure if we'd go back. 

We ARE going to try Ely's Peak again though. I refuse to be defeated. 

Goats + Macaroni + Pizza = 15

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you would have seen last week Matt and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. Kind of a big deal because years 2007-2012 were so rough that I honestly didn't think we were going to make it and it's been a struggle to get through some patches.

But we've made it.

It's weird to say I think we're in the best part of marriage right now, but it's true. Considering we're really broke, we're really stressed out, Matt has to do a lot more to keep the house going and help me on really not great days, and I'm trying to keep going everyday and keep up with my appointments and go in with a positive attitude, we are EASILY at the hardest, most stressful part of our journey. Surely nobody could have predicted this is what our life would be like right now but here we are.

So when I say we're at our best? I mean it. I know every day that when it comes down to the end of the line, Matt is my ride or die. He is literally going to be there and see me to the end no matter how awful it is. I can't imagine holding anyone else's hand when I get bad news. I can't imagine laying next to anybody else. He really is, no kidding, the only person I truly feel safe with. And I don't mean safe like I'm in danger, but I know he's going to take care of me. It's really the best feeling. Anything can come our way and I know we'll be OK. I don't think you can get to this point without time and awful things happening, to be honest.

On our anniversary, for the second or maybe third time EVER, I had flowers delivered to me. I was so surprised and I LOVE THEM. He also got me a bunch of candy a cute card. 

And then I read the inside. Still a jerk.

That night we decided were going to take the kids out to eat and we would go somewhere in Canal Park which is where we stopped to take photos on our wedding day. 

These photos are 15 years apart and we have aged SO MUCH. I could hardly believe it when I looked at the photos on my computer.

After dinner we went back to Brighton Beach and we let the kids throw rocks. Can we all appreciate Penelope's stance and hand gesture? And Lucy trying to copy? I seriously love everything about this picture. Even whatever it is Jackson is doing. 

Again, these kids are so weird and I love them for it. HA!

That weekend though, Matt arranged for ALL THE KIDS to spend the night somewhere other than our house.

Let me repeat that- we were KID FREE FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT. It's so rare that happens and I was so grateful because I was just saying I really miss hanging out with just Matt. I'm not kidding when I say we get to go on one date a year. One. We are not that couple hiring babysitters, and having four kids makes it really hard to get them all somewhere. Thankfully between both Grandma's all the kids were accounted for. 

We got to try a new restaurant I had heard about and lord knows this isn't a place I would bring kids to. (This was after shopping in a store that's a pain to bring kids to. Very exciting day.)

If you know me in real life you know I always order Chicken Strips or a Cheeseburger (well done, as done as done gets, burn it if you have to). Always. Everyone laughs.

YOU GUYS- I ordered macaroni and cheese. They had my usual and I decided that I'm a big kid now, so logically I order macaroni and cheese. It was alright. Dare I say too much cheese? It was kind of too much. 

Then we got to go to a grown up movie, Shaft, and it was really pretty good. It was us and maybe 5 other people in there but I really liked the movie and this isn't even my go-to movie genre.

The next day we decided to go on a quick lunch date since we had no kids and I had a coupon (ha!) so we went to Vitta Pizza in Canal Park. 

I'm glad I didn't bring the kids because they wouldn't have eaten anything in there but we each ordered a small pizza and waited. 

It's not often we look happy by lunch time on a weekend, usually by this point everyone is fighting and we've both declared we're taking a nap.

The pizza was really good, though! I really liked mine and now that I'm looking at it again I kind of want to ditch the kids so we can go again.

Overall? I'm going to declare this our best anniversary yet. This was the year we wanted to go to Hawaii but that didn't happen. We'll go someday.

15 years of pretty alright.

So as of 2:30ish this afternoon, Matt and I will have been married for 15 years. We've been together since January 2002, moved in together July 2002, engaged October 2002, and married June 2004. Honestly, we would have gotten married sooner but I have a thing about doing big things on odd years so we had to wait and the fact he even went along with that is a testament to Matt's patience. We met at Campbell Lumber where both him and my mom worked and she told me about this cute guy she works with around my age. It turns out that fall he was transferring to my college and we'd say hello in the hallway. I actually broke up with my fiance (don't ask) that September, started dating a much older guy who turned out to be the worst ever (don't ask), and by Thanksgiving 2002 I was moving my stuff out of my first apartment with my ex-fiance by myself, in the snow, (I am a testament that you should ALWAYS live with someone before you get married) and really depressed. I spent Christmas alone and pretty depressed, not sure what I was going to do in general. I sent out Christmas cards to some of my friends and family and took a chance and put one on Matt's windshield at work letting him know I hope his first semester went OK and if he had any issues with class start up, let me know and I could try to help (I was a work study in financial aid and student services). Right after New Years I ran into Matt again when he was working (I was visiting my mom between my two jobs) and he asked me if I wanted to hang out on a weekend he wasn't working and just watch movies. I said sure, he picked me up, we rented some movies, got him a sandwich at Subway, went back to the house he was renting a room in, and watched Pearl Harbor (unnecessarily long and completely lame) and The Fast & the Furious (pretty alright), and then I think he started Star Wars in his room but I actually fell asleep. 

And did not wake up until the next morning. I'm not even kidding. We had a second date I think the very next day (which was my dad's birthday so I stayed for cake and then left) and the rest is history. I knew I loved him within two weeks. I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever seen, he could fix my computer for school, he had a job, he was funny, he liked to do touristy things with me, he was as broke as I was, we had similar life plans, and we just clicked. 

We graduated college together that May. We knew we wanted to live together and started looking for places and he had heard about a one bedroom apartment above a video rental store in south end, with a garage and free laundry, and was only $425 a month in rent and that included all of our utilities. It felt like fate so we took it. Those were two of the best years of my life. I loved that little apartment and I remember crying when we had to leave even though we had bought our first home because I got pregnant six months after we got married. 

In just 15 years of marriage we have dealt with: depression, infidelity, job loss, bankruptcy, marriage counseling, new jobs, selling our first home and buying a new home, five pregnancies (one miscarriage and four babies), more depression, me dying during childbirth and becoming disabled, more depression, and now we're here. I know I'm missing a lot in there because I always say that if it can happen, it has happened to us and it wasn't easy but we've made it. 

We had some really rough years, yes YEARS, and there have been a lot of times where I've wondered if we were even going to make it. Perhaps the only positive that has come from dying and coming back is I know with every fiber in my body, Matt is my ride or die (literally) and I am his. We're older now, we're definitely not wiser, we always feel like we're winging it, but I know with 100% certainty that if I called Matt right now and told him I need him, he would completely drop whatever he is doing, wherever he is, and he would be here. He wouldn't question it, he would never make me feel bad for calling for him, and he would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Sometimes I see "what would you tell your younger self" type questions but if I had to tell this couple some stuff, it would be this: 

1. This joy you feel on this day is fleeting. It goes away. Sometimes it lasts a couple of weeks, but it will always go away. It isn't meant to last because that's not what love is. 
2. Always, always, ALWAYS put each other first. You will think you can focus on kids and family first and then your partner later because they'll be there, but that's not true. It has to be the other way around. I have fun with friends but if he says no to something, or he'd rather I hang out at home- I always do. I can think of only one time in all of these years he did that and it was right after my AFE and he didn't want me to go to the mall alone. Instead, he let me hang out at home and he took all of the kids out because all I really wanted was to be alone. 
3. Even the relationships on the best foundation will crack. Marriage is THE hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than giving birth. Harder than any schooling I've had. Harder than any physical training I've done. Harder than recovering from death. Harder than ANYTHING. Every single day I go to bed I think about how I could have been a better wife. Some days I'm a really terrible wife. Some days he's a really terrible husband. But those are just singular days. 
4. Two wrongs don't make a right and you can never go tit for tat. If your relationship becomes a place where you can compete who can hurt who more in an effort to "show them how it feels", you are doomed from the start. It's not about hurting them, it's about showing them how it hurts you so they understand and (hopefully) don't do it again. 
5. We are always a united front. I might 100% disagree with his parenting style but I will always back him up (obviously unless safety is concerned but that's never been a thing with us, so calm the hell down). I will back him up and when it's our time after everyone goes to bed, I'll tell him that was stupid and why. He does the same.
6. Accept who he is. To be fair, I still struggle with this and that's on me. I knew going in that Matt was not romantic. Pretty much not at all. I might get flowers, but they are the $5 bunch that look like weeds. I  might get a date once a year but I know it's dinner and a movie (if I'm lucky) and that's it. I will never be whisked away on a trip.... unless I plan it completely. I won't ever get sweet notes, cards, or texts with declarations of how he loves me. I won't ever get a birthday or Christmas gift with sentimental value because that's not how his brain works, he's very utilitarian so I will get something I've asked for very specifically or something he thinks I need. 

There is probably a lot more advice I could give but lord knows I can't remember it. HA! I just know that marriage is really hard, and that the honeymoon phase really is just a phase. You'll get bored with the person, they will drive you crazy, and you will wonder if this is as good as it gets, are you missing out on your soul mate out there? And I'll tell you that it does get better. If you had told me way back in 2007-2012 that things will get better and I will be happier than ever with him, I would have thought you were nuts. Completely nuts. 

But here we are. 

Matt is really the only person in the whole world who has hung by me on my worst days and my best days. He's the only person who is here every day and sees my short comings that I try really hard to hide from everyone. He's the only person who loves me just the same and never makes me feel like I'm a failure, a bad mom, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad person. Every single day he tells me he loves me and he never makes me feel like I'm missing the mark as a wife. He is proud of every accomplishment I have, even if it's just walking the neighborhood and getting home on my own. He has his flaws and we have our problems, but I know that at the end of my life, he'll be right there. No matter what. The only thing I'm really scared of in life is him dying before me because he absolutely, 100% is my rock. I depend on him for everything. He's my person. 

This will always be my favorite picture from our wedding. It was right after our ceremony, people had filed out and were waiting for us to get into the limo but we were waiting for our witnesses to sign the marriage paperwork. The photographer just snapped this quick and to be honest? This is the only moment from my wedding day that I still remember. The ceremony and reception? Is gone. But I look at this picture and we look so young (I was 22 and he was not quite 24) and it looks like we were just waiting for life to happen. 

And happen it did. 

Happy 15th, babe. I would pick you over and over again. (Even though your project management skills are terrible, you get the wrong stuff at the grocery store, and you snore so loudly. The fact I can overlook all of that is a testament to how much I love you.)

14 years

So today Matt and I have been married for 14 years. We have been together for 16 years total but we only celebrate our wedding anniversary. If anyone had told me ten years ago that we'd still be married, and happy, I would have laughed in your face. There were times where things weren't so great and I think we both thought about leaving and chalking it up to being too young to get married. We weren't mature, we hadn't lived life yet, we hadn't done enough as a couple before we got married to really know if this was our partner.

But through it all, Matt has proven to be my ride or die. Literally. He's there anytime I need him. He drops everything and comes. Whether it's me in labor, cat puke, dead bunny in the yard, or a poop explosion, he doesn't blink an eye. He does all of the worst jobs of parenting and home ownership and never complains.

He might not be emotionally supportive the way I need but he does his best in his own way. And I've come to appreciate that. You're never going to find someone who checks off every box but you can find someone who checks off a lot of them and you can be happy. 

We fight. We argue. We still have bad days but not once do I ever worry that this is it for us. I know that tomorrow is another day and we'll be just fine. 

He's always up for adventure. If I throw out an idea he's totally game for it. He does his absolute best to get me things I want, always provides what I need, and provides for our family better than anyone else could. He works his ass off every day and never complains. 

It's funny because now we've been together for so long I can't remember a time without him. I don't want to face anything without him by my side. I think about our future and I can't imagine what it would be like if he died before me, I would be heartbroken. I don't know what I would do, to be honest. 

He's the best guy I could have ever picked. He has his flaws, but so do I. I'm not a perfect wife or mom, I have serious flaws that I work on but he's makes sure I know I'm loved anyways, that he wouldn't want anyone else. That no matter what happens he is going to hold my hand and help me.

I can finally say we are at that stage where we feel secure in our marriage, that it feels like this was meant to be. It hasn't been an easy journey and we are sometimes dragging the other behind us, but we've landed here together. Here's to so many more years. Love you, babe.

Date Night with Jim Gaffigan

Way back for Christmas, one of the gifts I gave Matt was a date night out to see comedian Jim Gaffigan, who was coming to the arena near us. Almost nothing we're interested in comes here so when it does I try to go and support the arena in the hopes that more will come. I had no idea what kind of seats I was going to get because I couldn't remember if I had been to the newly remodeled one or not so I bought cheap seats and hoped for the best. 

Turned out to be a decent gamble because our seats were pretty great. I will say the screens were pretty blurry and if you were relying on those to see the stage you were likely to be disappointed. I don't know why the technicians didn't notice that and focus it in but whatever. 

We went out to dinner and was served by someone I know from  high school days, she gave us a discount, we gave her a good tip, and it was kind of nice to eat dinner and not worry about cutting up someone else's food. I think maybe people around us were like, "awkward date" because we hardly talked but it was SO NICE to eat in relative silence. Seriously, our house is so loud that any time we have to be in quiet we take it. Especially me. 

So after dinner we went to the show and of course, I smell popcorn and I'm all about it so I sent Matt to get popcorn and water for me and that's when I meet my new friend, Weird Guy. 

It literally doesn't matter what happens to me, my ability to attract weirdos does not fail. It just doesn't. This guy is telling me all about how he bought his tickets (two of them) on Craigslist but he has no friends so he has an extra ticket. Starts talking about how he took a nap since he was going to work right after this (mind you, he's drinking a beer and has one on the floor waiting for him) and then he asks if I'm single. 

Thank god Matt was coming down the stairs right then because I was done talking to strangers. You think the guy talks to Matt? Nope. But he thoroughly enjoyed himself the entire time and kept slapping Matt's arm to get a mutual acknowledgement that the joke was funny. That alone was funny.  

The opener was Ted Alexandro and I actually thought he was funnier than Jim Gaffigan, especially his erectile dysfunction bit- that was pretty hilarious. Jim was just kind of meh for me. It wasn't hilarious, his bit about the local "come back in summer" phrase (which we ALL say.. we say it to everyone) was pretty on point and funny but everything else was kind of blah for me. It wasn't funny enough to get more than a smile from me but it wasn't horrible either. 

Overall though? It was a pretty great night. Matt's parents babysat for us and that was nice of them to do (after Penelope's birthday party, no less), especially considering it took us forever to get out of the parking ramp! They got home so late and I felt bad. I'm hoping some more opportunities come for us to go do a date, it was fun being with just him again. It kind of highlighted that we need to do more outside of the kids because the kids are all we talk about. Which, no offense, I'm kind of sick of the kids some days, I don't want to talk about them when I'm away from them, you know? 

So I need date night ideas! 

Eleven

Good golly, Miss Molly. Matt and I will officially be married eleven years shortly before 3 p.m. today. Which, is kind of weird. Sometimes it feels like we've been married forever and other times, I think eleven years is just a drop in the bucket. It's nothing, really.

In hindsight, we were literally babies when we got married. I was 22 and Matt was almost 24 on our wedding day. We thought we knew it all. We had our own apartment, we had our college degrees, we had great jobs. We knew we were going to have kids right away and buy a house. We were going to do everything you do after you get married. Because that's just what you do. You grow up, get married, buy a house, have kids. It's practically a guideline for adulthood.

Except we were in no shape ready to do any of those things. We scoffed when people said we should do pre-marital counseling. We had a GREAT relationship, we never fought, we were madly in love. It wasn't like we had issues. Now we know better and ended up doing pre-marital counseling when we were married for three years and in a marital crisis because, SURPRISE, problems will happen. Your spouse will disappoint you, you might even get hurt along the way, and you'll want to throw in the towel. Because what nobody ever tells you about marriage is that it is the hardest relationship to sustain.

Of all of the people we knew getting married around the same time, it's us and one other couple who are still married. Everyone else is long since divorced and have not one nice thing to say about each other. Matt and I came damn close in 2007 and honestly, the only thing that held us together was me learning I was pregnant with Jackson. I think if he hadn't been on his way, we would have gotten divorced and that would have been that. I like to think maybe that's why Jackson is so sweet, he had a bigger job in life and he didn't even know it.

But in eleven years, Matt and I have learned the following things through trial and error, and more counseling than we'd like to admit:

• In our own way, we are difficult to live with. 
• I have a tendency to be awful. Sometimes my sarcasm and joking around isn't well received by Matt, though it's never my intention to hurt his feelings. I hate to say it, but sometimes we're like Jon & Kate Gosselin. Truly. People rip that couple to shreds, but I'm very much Kate- organized, controlling, bossy, demanding and Matt is very much like Jon- everything could be going to absolute shit and not a single crap is given. Which sends me over the edge because I don't always do well in chaos. 
• His indifference to life makes it hard for me to enjoy myself sometimes. 
• We aren't always a good team together. We are a couple that would only make it onto shows like The Amazing Race just because we would bring the drama factor, not because we had any chance at all at winning. 
• Sometimes I have to be submissive to Matt. Which was the HARDEST pill to swallow in counseling. It goes against everything in my body, everything I was raised to be. I was raised to be independent, to not depend on a man for anything. Which, to some extent, is still very much me. But on the other hand, I've come to recognize that Matt does so much better as a husband and father if I defer to him, even on dumb things. I have learned to include him on every decision, and I consult with him before I do things. Even if I know I'm 100% right (because I am, let's be real), giving him that input makes all the difference. And coincidentally, takes a load off my shoulders at the same time. Bonus. 
• I still struggle with trusting him, though it's been years since he's given me reason to not trust him. They same time heals all wounds but I can say with all honesty, I'm still waiting. But I've also come to realize that maybe it's OK for some wounds to still be there. 
• But the most important thing I have learned is that nobody else is responsible for my happiness. At my lowest low in our marriage came the understanding that if I wasn't happy, I had to do something about it. And I started doing things for myself. Taking better care of myself, bonding with my children, re-establishing my friendships I had let go to the wayside in lieu of making my marriage work, and working on my own self esteem. I consider myself a happy person, but not because of Matt. Matt is just one happy and good thing in my life, among so many. There is no thing as a knight in shining armor. No guy is going to come around and change your life and make it all rainbows. You have to do that for yourself, and if you're lucky, you'll have someone you call a partner in life that gets to see you at your best. 
• And on the other side of the coin, no person is responsible for your unhappiness. It's not your husband, or your wife's, fault that you hate your life. That you aren't as happy as you know you could be. You're unhappy because you choose to be. You're relying on someone else to carry your emotional weight in this world and that's nobody's job but yours. Own it. 
• It helps to be absolutely stubborn and refuse to quit. There will always be times where you think you've had enough and maybe the grass actually is greener out there. And it might be. It absolutely could be better with someone else. But then we remember the vows we said, for better or worse, good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer.... and then realize we're in it for the long haul. And we're only human. We make mistakes. It's a life long learning process and I know he'll be there to help me along when I need it, just as I'm there to help him along when he needs it.

Love you, babe. Maybe someday we'll get to vacation without the kids again. xoxo

A whole stinking DECADE!

You guys, today? Today is kind of a big deal. It's a milestone that for awhile there, I didn't think we were going to get to but by god, we did.

As of 2 p.m. this afternoon, we will officially have been married for a whole ten years.

 And we're still as cute as we were all the way,

back then. I mean, look how stinking young we looked. Sometimes I look back at these pictures and just think how much we didn't know. There was so much heading our way that most couples would have tossed the towel in and gave up. And lots did. Of all of the people we know who got married the same year we did, only one couple remains other than us. Out of a lot.

We certainly haven't had it easy and we totally had no idea what we were doing. Honestly, it feels like old hat to us now but things are bound to come our way again and we'll have to figure out a new way to be. I'm sure of it.

Had someone told me on my wedding day how incredibly difficult it is to be married and how hard you'd have to work every day for it, I would have called them a liar. It was so free and easy when we started but man- life is hard. Life is hard all on your own, and it's harder when you have a partner because you have to keep growing, but try to grow at the same speed as them so you're always a cohesive team. Nobody can sprint ahead of the other. When one lags, you've got to give up what you're doing and help them out.

That's before you even add kids to the mix. It is exponentially harder once you do that. Nothing is ever easy with kids and man, I could have not picked a better dad than Matt. I really couldn't. He is tremendous. Sure, he gets cranky and he's usually always grouchy, but he's the guy that deals with unpleasant things like bodily fluids, broken toys, and outdoor experiences.

Here are some fun things we've dealt with in our first ten years of marriage:

• Buying our first house! Man, it was a total dump when we bought it but we were really sad to leave it. 
• Despite the fact we tackled a lot of home improvement projects from hell. 
• We had a baby! Baby Olivia gave us our first really tough year. Who knew babies were so stressful?
• I had post-partum depression and it was awful. Matt was really great and honestly, without him I maybe wouldn't have made it. 
• He lost his job, we struggle with depression, we have marital issues, we enter marriage counseling. And cry a whole bunch. 
• We're super broke but having another baby!
• We have Baby Jackson and all feels right in the world. He's even cute so that's an added bonus. 
• No choice but bankruptcy. Dark year in the Strand house. 
• We have pets that are all mentally deficient. Matt volunteers to assist our poor cat in heat. Does not hit her g-spot and it became a really awful few months with lots of cat moaning. 
• Matt gets fabulous new job. We hardly see him, but he loves it and that's worth the world. 
• I quit my job. Last two weeks as a stay at home mom and get new job. 
• Kids start school, we are grossly overwhelmed. 
• Matt and I learn how to give enemas and do poop flush outs. We're slightly ashamed this is what our lives have come to. These are our glory years. 
• We take many family trips, two which include airlines. I hope the kids don't remember them as traumatic experiences like I do. 
• We decided to move. It was scary. 
• But then we moved and it was awesome!
• Then Sara commits Matt to being a dog owner. He reluctantly agrees and as it turns out, Twinky prefers Matt to any of us. Matt hates this, yet reluctantly and begrudgingly walks the damn dog every night no matter the weather. 
• We suffer the loss of baby #3. But Matt's still awesome and great. 
• ??

Who even knows what's next for us. That's a really brief list of some highlights. It's kind of crazy to think back and remember all of the good, and the bad, and think- we made it. 

I remember times where I was so sad and depressed that I thought we weren't ever going to get through it. We might, but it'll never be the same and I didn't know if as a couple, we could handle that. And I was right, we aren't the same. We aren't even close to how we were when we first got married. I'm not in love with Matt anymore. That faded away long ago, as it does. But I love him far more than I ever could have in the beginning. I have a far better appreciation for him as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a person. Matt is easily, the hardest working person I have ever met in my life. He's never afraid to learn something new, he's never afraid to try a new experience. He is willing to do pretty much anything I sign us up for or put on the table. When things get really awful, I know that he would drop whatever he was doing to help me. I used to wonder if he actually loved me, but I don't anymore. As I've gotten older I've learned that just because he isn't a very emotive kind of guy, he shows me in other ways. 

This is the guy who will get out of bed at midnight to get me a shake if I want it. He'll run and get me nachos from random bars, movie theater popcorn, he'll leave work to bring me lunch or shovel me out at work. If one of the animals leaves a gross mess on the floor, he'll leave work to come clean it up because I can't do it without vomiting everywhere as well. He takes on the home improvement projects I spring on him at the very last minute and goes with it. 

He's a really great guy overall. He just is. And I love him a whole lot. Plus, he's still really hot especially when he is working on the house and has the tool belt on.... anyways. I'm really lucky to have Matt. I can't see myself without him. Even in the worst of times, I can't imagine a life without him with me. He's my rock when I need him to be and that is better than butterflies when I see him. I don't have that any more, but it feels different. It's like my other half is there and all is right again. I wish people knew that it does get better. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, it's harder than parenting sometimes. But the spot Matt and I are in now? I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Time just keeps trucking along.

I've gotten lots of emails asking how I've been considering I've been a bit quiet the last few days. Overall, I'm OK. I can go several hours without crying and that's always a good thing.

Friday was pretty awful. I honestly didn't know what to expect with a follow up ultrasound. Thankfully, I asked my mom to come with me because at the last minute I didn't know if I really wanted to go alone. So she came and that was really helpful. I think having her there made me not break down in total tears because she would have told me to buck up and I would have. But I'll be honest- I couldn't look at the ultrasound. I just took the doctor's word for it that things looked good. My uterine lining is still ridiculously thick so all of that has yet to come out and then that means my HcG levels drop. Those have to go back to zero. Which means sometime this week (probably Thursday) I'll go in real quick to get a blood draw to see where I'm at. I keep going until that is back at zero.

Physically, I feel better. Not great, but better. I'm still having cramping but the contractions stopped around Saturday night. I felt fine most of Friday until after my appointment and then they started up again. On Saturday Matt and I ran errands and that wasn't smart. I ended up in a lot of pain and who knew walking around that much would trigger contractions? *sigh* But let's just say I was mighty thankful that I had put extra pads into my purse because I went through quite a few. And I had a really awkward moment while getting frozen yogurt when I just absolutely knew I was passing a blood clot or something. I remember the first time that ever happened to me after I had Olivia and it was disgusting. Thank god the place had a bathroom and Matt stood there holding my frozen yogurt, not totally sure what was happening.

He's a good guy, that one.

We went out to dinner at a really shitty place on Saturday. I mean, it was pretty gross. But we had planned to go see a movie and I'm just not a huge movie person so unless I'm in the mood, meh. So we opted to drive to Two Harbors instead and walk out to the lighthouse. Poor Matt didn't have a jacket so he basically froze his nipples off and I couldn't make it all the way to the end without feeling ridiculously crampy, but it was nice to be alone with him for awhile.

Sunday was kind of rough. The kids were coming back from spending the weekend with Matt's parents and I was missing them, but also wasn't sure if I could just deal with the loudness after having such a quiet weekend. But it turned out to be fine and they were missing me and spent an hour telling me all about their weekend. 

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I am working alone and full time hours this week since my boss is on vacation, and that's fine. I thought I was OK to be here all of that time but it proved to not be the case. Maybe it's too quiet so I just sit and think? I cried a few times at work yesterday. Not just because of the miscarriage and thinking about that, but I'm really frustrated with the health care system in general. I need to see a doctor for my high blood pressure before I have surgery next Thursday for my face. Do you think anyone cares? Nope. The soonest I can get in is September and beyond. If I tell them what my blood pressure is all of the time, they tell me to go to the ER. Which, great. If I had decent health insurance I would. But I don't and I cannot afford that. I don't even care which doctor I see at this point, I just want someone to tell me if it's safe to go under general anesthesia or if I should post pone the surgery. Which I don't want to do because my face is killing me and I want this damn tooth out. 

*sigh*

So far, my week is shaping up to be a bit rough. I really hope I have enough money to do something fun this weekend with the kids. Their last day of school is Friday and they keep asking if we're doing anything. I was hoping to go to a different zoo than our local one and combine it with Father's Day, but we'll see. 

It will always hurt. No matter what.

I know a lot of things about Matt. He's intelligent, he's shy, he's a hard worker, he's a good dad overall, and he's also really terrible when it comes to feelings. Specifically, when it comes to feelings towards anyone else, or anyone else's feelings, he just doesn't have that capacity. I don't know why, it used to be there, but it's gone now and I know that right now, I suffer the most. I'm mindful enough to know that someday, the kids will pick up on this and I don't know what I'll do when that happens.

I feel like I am a pretty good about being selfless. Sure, there are times when I'm selfish but people can be that way sometimes. Not all of the time, there are definitely times where you have to ignore what you want and feel and do for another person. You just do it. It's not something someone teaches you, something inside of you as a person triggers this and we have the ability to ignore it, which hardens us over time, or to go with it and maybe grow into a better person.

It is currently 10:20 at night and I'm alone, downstairs, feeling all kinds of sorry for myself. My babies are tucked into bed and adorable as ever. My husband is sleeping soundly upstairs as if nothing in the world is wrong.

But it is.

You see, today was Mother's Day. I don't expect grand gestures. I'm leery of them by nature and I don't know why. But there are only three times a year where it's nice to be recognized: my birthday, our anniversary, and Mother's Day. I don't know why every year I give my hopes up thinking that this year? This year Matt will finally take a few minutes to figure out how to do something nice for me. At the bare minimum, he could easily call my mom, ask my friends, or even ask our own kids what can he do to make the day a little bit special.

But no.

He doesn't do any of those things. Instead, he acts like an asshole all day to me, snaps at the kids, and never once says happy Mother's Day. No card, no flowers, no nothing. Doesn't offer to take us out to dinner, doesn't offer to make dinner, doesn't do anything nice to say, "hey- you work so hard keeping this family together, let me do this while you sit and relax."

Nothing.

Instead, it takes Jackson asking him why he didn't do anything nice for me for Mother's Day. Why did you get mommy a card? Or a present? And that? That breaks my heart. It physically pains me to think that Matt is teaching Jackson that this is how you treat someone you love. I have to work double time to re-write the lessons his father gives him.

So Matt, feeling shamed by his six year old, runs to Target to get me some shit card and a book off the clearance rack as if that's some kind of penance. It's not. In fact, I left it all on the counter with a note that said, "too little, too late". That was around 7 tonight. He's avoided me since but I see that it's all gone. I hope he feels shame. I hope he feels like once again, he's let me down. I hope he understands that yet again, I sit down here crying because it's yet another year where no acknowledgement at all happens. Even if he had said he didn't get me a gift because we don't have money, but that he really appreciates what I do and how  hard I work at being a mom and a wife- that would have been enough. I would have understood and I would have at least felt like I was loved.

But tonight I feel none of that. I just feel really sad.

In my head I know that Matt just isn't wired like some guys. In my head I know that these things don't come to him and he has no idea how awful he is sometimes. In my heart though, I still hold hope and it hurts every single time. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result? So maybe I'm insane. But every year, I hold out hope that he'll remember how badly I felt the year before and he'd think maybe he should do something differently.

But no.

Every year it's the same. Every year it hurts.

Almost ten.

It's been awhile since I've reported anything on the marriage front. Someone recently emailed me and asked how things were because I haven't mentioned Matt. You'll all be pleased to know he's alive and well, albeit he does have a cold and he's trying to convince me he is on the verge of dying from it.

What is pretty cool is that in June we will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. I know, ten. It's kind of a big deal. Of all of the people we know who were married around the same time we were, only a few remain married to the same person still. Most checked out around year five or less. We've come close but we keep trudging along things surely the best years are to come.

I will say, hands down, the worst years of a marriage are the first five. I look back on those years for us and I totally understand why people throw the towel in and say just to hell with it already. Those first five years brought the purchase of our first home, the birth of two children, infidelity, job loss, marriage counseling, bankruptcy, mental illness struggles, post-partum depression, family health issues, and another job shake up. When I look back on all of that I wonder, why not? Most of that was not what I had signed up for and I certainly didn't think we'd encounter it but we did. We did because we got lazy.

You may not believe it, but at heart, I'm a lazy person. I have great intentions, I do. But by the end of the day, I am exhausted. I'm sick of mothering, I'm sick of working, I'm sick of cleaning, I'm sick of hearing myself breathe- it's hard for me to give anything else to Matt when I feel like I've got nothing. Not to mention there are times where he makes me so angry I could literally rip my own hair out. I don't fully understand how his mind works and I don't know why after all of this time he doesn't just start the god damn dinner when he knows full well what we're having, instead he just sits there and plays stupid while I'm running around like a lunatic doing seven things at once. Then he wonders why I'm angry.

It's that kind of thing that I'm not sure I'm ever going to understand and it's sometimes hard to reconcile that.

But at the end of the day, he's alright. He's a good guy. He means well and I have to say that in my head a lot because he does try. He will always drop what he's doing and go to the movie theater to get me popcorn just because I want some. He cleans up puke and never makes me feel bad about it as I gag in a different room. He doesn't blink an eye when I need time away from everyone, he is a good sport, he puts up with my humor, he will leave work to bring me lunch if I'm too lazy to get it myself, he does a lot of great things.

Let us not forget how super awesome I am as a wife, either. I mean, I could list the reasons but you'd grow bored and nobody has time for that kind of list. We just know I'm super great and wonderful.

So with our anniversary coming up, I want to do something kind of great to celebrate. Preferably without kids, something fairly inexpensive because I have surgery the week after our anniversary and we are super broke right now, but something kind of awesome and romantic. My hope was to surprise a trip to Key West for him, but since our entire tax refund has gone to medical bills, that's shot. Unless I win the lottery, then it's still an option. I'm just out of ideas. It's hard to plan something awesome for a guy who really only likes to do nothing except watch woodworking shows or Antiques Roadshow. I mean, neither of those scream "super awesome fun times" for me, so that's out. I've got to think of something.

These are from when we first started dating. We both graduated college together, at that point we had been dating five months. The first picture was in the first month we were dating. Look at how skinny I was. And how stinking young we looked. BABIES, I tell you. Aw, those were the days where I always had money to get my hair done and eyebrows waxed, shopped at Pac Sun & Deb, and had seven colors of Adidas shoes. Matt blew his entire paycheck on rent, computer parts and beer.

Those were the days. :)

I Know You Care

While driving a few weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite albums of all time, Ellie Goulding's Halycon and I thought.. maybe I should do posts about songs that hit home for me and maybe tell the background why. Lord knows that album is like me, my story, everything. I can identify with it all and I could probably do posts every day about what those songs remind me of. But I'll start with this song and go from there.

I Know You Care


Matt and I will have been married for ten years in June. It's a huge feat and I don't care what anyone says. It's huge. Anyone who knows our story and what we've been through will agree- not many thought we'd make to this point.

And sometimes? Sometimes I don't know how we will either. Sometimes I don't know why I stay and other times I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Because for every awful thing I've dealt with, for every night I cry alone in the far corners of the house, for every time I have felt unappreciated, unloved, and more- there are other times where I look at him and I can't imagine not being with him. I look at him and I remember the young man when we started dating and how I had felt like I had finally met The One. Like finally I had someone who would care for me, be my rock, and never let me feel anything less than cherished.

I know he cares. I know he does. I can look at him and I can tell he cares but doesn't know what to do. So he does nothing. Sometimes I look at him and I can tell something is wrong, the other shoe is going to drop and he doesn't have the balls to tell me in an attempt to save himself. Sometimes I think he does this because he knows I'm strong enough to handle anything and while that's comforting to think he sees me like that, it also angers me because I have a right to not be surprised by bad things. I have a right to be told by my husband and not others.

I remember when we were just dating, and even just married- I would anxiously await for him to come home like a child. I would squeal and practically run him over. Weekends spent in bed were the life and I took it all for granted. Because I didn't know that my heart would be broken, that he would become complacent and take me for granted and I didn't know that staying in love was so hard. Because it is hard. It's really hard when it's one hardship after another and you're dealing with horrible depression and nobody tells you this.

But I still hope that someday, someday my Matt will come around. He will see what he's done to me as a person and care. I hope that someday he'll turn around and just be the same Matt he was when we were 20 and 22 and he was on bended knee telling me how important I was to him and how he didn't want a life without me. It's like he's trapped in a glass box and he wants to do better but can't figure out how to get out. Because I can see it in his eyes- he does love me. He does care. He does want to be everything I need but he's stuck inside. That's what depression does to a person. It's really awful. It's really awful to watch in someone you love so much.

Maybe the worst part, is knowing that I could do better. I could find someone who wouldn't leave me to cry alone in the dark, but that I wouldn't leave. I couldn't leave him because he would be worse off and I can't do that to him because he means too much to me. I can't be that selfish, and it's ironic because he is so selfish. But two wrongs never make a right so I'm here.

10 years is a biggie.

I was recently talking to my friend who recently celebrated her ten year wedding anniversary with her husband and we both realized that of our friends, we're the oddballs. Matt and I will have been married ten years this coming June and I've long felt that if we made it that far- we should celebrate. The fact is, ten years is a long time. Then when you take into consideration the divorce rate and how willy nilly people are to get married, it feels like an even bigger obstacle.

Matt and I got married knowing it was going to be difficult, we may not always agree or even like each other, but so long we could keep the foundation steady, we would be OK. And no doubt, we have had some serious challenges along the way. I was only 22 and he was 23 when we got married so we were practically babies. I think back to what we were like at those ages and how inexperience at life we were and I often wonder why anyone would agree to let us get married in the first place. How could we possibly understand the commitment and the real work it takes to keep a marriage going. But the fact is so many people don't know until they hit a rough spot and they realize they didn't have what it takes as a couple to weather it.

And by all means, getting through infidelity, betrayal, lying, financial issues, parenting, etc is really tough. It's not easy, it's really a difficult path to go and not everyone makes it. Most don't.

Matt and I did.

So as I look to our ten year anniversary I want to do something that celebrates that, and gives us a good send off for the next ten and beyond.

I thought about a vow renewal, but quite frankly, it's like a wedding re-do and we don't have the money to do that. I thought about having a dinner with some of our closest friends and family, but we also can't pay for everyone and then you run into the etiquette issue of having a dinner and asking people to pay their way and I don't know how I feel about that or what the proper way of handling that is. Then I thought about having something just at our house and while I love my house and love to entertain, I don't know if that's quite right either. Any ideas?

The other thing we've decided is that him and I are going to go on a vacation, just the two of us. We did it for our trip to Las Vegas a few years ago and we really had such a great time. It was really nice to remember when it was just us and our mini-trips and how much fun we had. So I think we'll do something similar but this time maybe head towards Arizona and do some beginner hiking and see some random things.

And I realize ten years isn't a big deal to most people, but it really is for us. There was a time where I didn't think we'd make it to ten, much less five, yet here we are. When I think of how hard I have worked at this relationship, and how hard Matt has, I'm proud of us. We aren't perfect, we still struggle, but we're trying together and that's all that you can really ask for.

Nine.

On this day, nine years ago, I was walking down the aisle absolutely excited but at the same time terrified. I had no idea if getting married was what I should be doing but at that point, it was kind of the wrong thing to not get married. Money had been spent, people had arrived and I had to just chalk all of my doubt aside to jitters and bite the bullet.

So I did. Thankfully.

And what an adventure it's been.

We've seen good times- house buying, babies, anniversaries, lots of firsts. We've had some bad times too, no doubt. But no matter how bad things have gotten, no matter how many times I have cried to sleep, wanted to give up and move on, I'm glad I didn't. Because when I think about all of the things that will come our way in the future, good and bad, there is nobody else I would want by my side to get through it.

Sure, Matt drives me crazy. He is terrible at decision making. He's a poor organizer, project manager, financial manager, and he had bad habits. He watches too many stupid shows, he's not social, he strongly dislikes doing fun things out in the world and he isn't adventurous.

Basically, we are polar opposites. I don't even joke when I say I have no idea how we thought we were a good match because on paper, we aren't. His shortcomings turned out to be where I excelled. So I guess in that regard... we're a match.

But he knows when to shut up. He knows when to let me be crazy and when to reel me in. He is a really fantastic dad (even if he yells too much). He is a hard worker and a really great provider for our family. He takes his role as dad and husband very seriously. He isn't romantic at all and is terrible at being spontaneous with lovey gestures but when he does make an effort, I always appreciate it. He lets me sleep in when I give him the "Oh hell no jerk- I wake up with these heathens every day, it's your turn" look and doesn't think twice. He knows when I need a break and he has never once complained when I have exercised my right to leave before I lose it. He supports every decision I've wanted to make, good or bad, and never made me feel bad when things didn't go as planned. He lets me be the social butterfly I want to be, even if it means I have to find friends to go with me. (Secretly? I think he's grateful for my friends so he's not having to do all of this stuff.)

Through it all, good and bad, it's been us. At the end of the day, it's always us. Matt is my go-to person for everything. I can't imagine not having him here just to listen to me say outrageously crazy and stupid stuff and he just loves me for it. I really am a difficult person to live with and certainly to be married to, but he does it and I love him for it. I love that no matter how things are, neither of us want to give up and get divorced. We just keep plugging. Even through the worst of everything, I just knew that we'd be an old married couple someday. We'll be that grouchy couple bitching about each other while holding hands. That's just how we roll.

So Matt? Thanks. Thanks for being a good guy more than a jerk guy, thanks for dealing with my crazy and outrageous, almost always last minute demands, thanks for rolling with the punches when I surprise you with things at the last minute, thank you for getting up in the middle of the night when the kids were babies because you knew I was a total bitch when I don't get enough sleep, thank you for giving me freedom to have a night out so I don't become an angry housewife, thank you for being a really great dad and a really great husband. Thank you for how hard you work every day, every week just so our family can have what we have and do what we do. We don't take you for granted, we love you every day. Especially me. And you're still a hot stud just like when we met.

Airport picture before we left for our honeymoon in Madeira Beach, Florida 

The only halfway ghetto laundry room.

I'm not going to lie, if we did nothing else with our laundry room, the current state of it is a complete 180 from what it was. Let us all click on that link and re-live what once was.

I also cannot state my proud enthusiasm at running water, a washing machine that no longer drains into my sink, and the fact Matt got it right on the first try.

But you know I settle for nothing less than perfection, so although Matt feels his great strides in that room qualify him for another 7 year break on it, I continue with my encouraging project management skills to keep him going. We still need a door, a ceiling, flooring, another cabinet, and more paint, but other than that we're kicking ass.

 Oh god, isn't it glorious? I would by lying if I told you I haven't petted the sink every day since it's been in. I love it so. Plus, my walls are going to be a much lighter yellow color so it doesn't quite look like urine. I also have some plants and pictures of my kids being cute that are going to go on the ledge above the sink- it was still drying on it's second coat of paint. I have pulls for the cupboards, but I just haven't gotten to it yet. Mostly because I'm not sure if I love them enough.

 But we (and when I say "we" always know that I really mean "I") decided to switch out the wire rack shelving for actual cupboards. It just looks so much cleaner in here and it'll be nice once the other cabinet is on the other wall.

And Matt wanted me to show off the home improvement project he hasn't done in the seven years we've lived here so that you don't all feel like he's a total slacker.

We have shiny new house numbers on a plaque on our house. Versus the rusty version nailed to our ghetto wood steps which will be gone next summer- mark my words. And the 5 fell off a few years ago so it looked like our address was 716. Classy. But now we're all fancy with numbers that match the light fixtures.

(Which you know was my doing, because if Matt had his say the numbers would be the cheapest brass pieces of shit or even worse, the reflective sticker ones. Shudder.)

The Laundry Sink Project. Or, what happens when you nag a person to death.

I've been all talk and no bark for seven years on this laundry sink project. Some people asked me if it would ever happen. Some people asked me why don't I just do it? To that I say yes, and not on your life. I barely passed shop class two years in a row and that was only because I stole someone else's project and passed it off as my own.

And I don't feel bad because I have never once needed to make a wooden car or a metal box in my life so suck it.

But one thing I'm known for is getting shit done. In this case, I think I drove Matt to the brink of crazy and he started the project that (of course) has turned out to be much larger than anticipated.

It started with a good stare down with old sink. As it turns out, a concrete sink is heavy as fuck and I could not lift said bitch with Matt's help. Within seconds we knew we needed help. Thankfully, my brother came over to help and the sink is now sitting upright in my backyard in true white trash fashion. It's a long haul to the side of the garage, folks.

 Before Travis got here, Matt decided that the wall needed to go. Considering one wall is already gone as it the ceiling, I figure why the hell not?

 It's a hot fucking mess up in here. At this point, Matt took out the old water hookups, replaced the copper that was in the wall because (shocker) it was not done right and it was old and yeah. It was just easier to replace. So Matt replaced EVERYTHING in the house.

 Do you see those water hooker uppers? They are new, they are shiny, the hot and cold are now on the right sides, and they are ready to be put to use!

 Matt put the new sheet rock in, we had a heated discussion on the cabinet placement and we've decided to do this but there's trouble brewing on that (another post) already and he was busy hooking shit up. He also then went under the house where two hours of swears and alternating banging and sawing was happening. The kids and I left because it obviously was not going well under there and I didn't want to be here when a sewage pipe was ruptured.

As it turns out, it took Matt two hours and four tool batteries to cut through a cast iron something or another that water flows into so he could then replace all of the deteriorating plumbing. Keep in mind, Matt was in a crawl space with only enough room to hold his power tool thing and having to wear a jumpsuit... in 104 degree weather with 100% humidity.

Obviously, my decision to leave and go shopping was really smart on my part.

But it worth it because folks?

My washing machine will no longer dump its water into my sink! NO! It has its own little pipe that will now take water wherever water goes when it goes down this pipe. The other bonus is that all of Matt's plumbing worked on the first try. Sure, I had no water for almost eight hours and his method of shoving a dish cloth down the pipe so the house doesn't smell like sewage didn't work, and we now need more drywall, flooring, and an upper cabinet not to mention a new door so he can finish the walls to complete this project, but I have this fancy water sucker downer tube. I also have a new sink! Which is not attached to the counter top, functioning, or has a faucet but god dammit- my future is ghetto sink sludge free!

In other words, the project has been started, indefinitely stalled because of everything we still needed but Matt forgot about, and my house is a fucking mess. But, I can at least do laundry and not scoop out sludge. I'm still marking it as a win.