It Takes One to Tango

*I received an ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review, all thoughts are my own.*

If you are a long time reader of this blog you'll know that I've been married to my husband Matt for thirteen years. It has been a hard road to say the least. I haven't really talked about the giant pot holes we've experienced, mostly because it isn't my story to tell. We've gone to counseling. I have read countless books. I have realized that after fifteen years together total, Matt is not the person who is going to change. He is a terrible communicator, he isn't great for my emotional needs, and when it comes to empathy he rivals a dead houseplant. I've come to realize that if I'm going to be happy, I am on my own. I cannot count on Matt for anything other than financial stability,  heavy lifting, killing spiders, and cleaning up blow out diapers and puke. All big, important things, OBVIOUSLY, but sometimes I want to cry and have my spouse care.

Clearly, this book was screaming my name.

It Takes One to Tango - Winifred M. Reilly

With a focus on self-empowerment and resilience, this refreshing and witty relationship guide has a reassuring counterintuitive message for unhappy spouses: you only need one partner to initiate far-reaching positive change in a marriage.

Conventional wisdom says that “it takes two” to turn a troubled marriage around and that both partners must have a shared commitment to change. So when couples can’t agree on how—or whether—to make their marriage better, many give up or settle for a less-than-satisfying marriage (or think the only way out is divorce).

Fortunately, there is an alternative.

It Takes One to Tango is a groundbreaking guide that shows how one determined partner—acting alone—can spark lasting, significant change in a marriage, often accomplishing change that cannot be made any other way. It doesn’t matter how short-fused, argumentative, or seemingly impossible your partner can be—or how long you’ve been stuck.

Marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly has this message for struggling partners: Take the lead. Doing so is effective—and powerful. Through Reilly’s own story of reclaiming her now nearly forty-year marriage, along with anecdotes from many clients she’s worked with, you’ll learn how to:

-Focus on your own behaviors and change them in ways that make you feel good about yourself and your marriage

-Take a firm stand for what truly matters to you without arguing, cajoling, or resorting to threats

-Identify the “big picture” issues at the basis of your repetitive fights—and learn how to unhook from them

-Be less reactive, especially in the face of your spouse’s provocations

-Develop the strength and stamina to be the sole agent of change

Combining psychological theory, practical advice, and personal narrative, It Takes One to Tango is a fresh and engaging guide that will empower those who choose to take a bold, proactive approach to creating a loving and lasting marriage. 

Let's just get into this, shall we? The book is broken up into three parts (For Better-or Worse, Now What Do I Do, and Welcome to Your Stronger, More Loving Relationship) and each part has little sub-chapters in it. The first section is basically a background of the author's own marriage and how she had an Oprah like "AHA moment" at a continuing education conference led by Ellyn Bader who talked about marriage. Winifred Reilly is a counselor and often deals with couples on the brink of divorce, for various reasons, and she (like so many others) finds difficulty on guiding these couples through troubled waters when her own marriage isn't an example of what a relationship should be. Like so many couples they bicker, fight over stupid stuff, and over time drift apart. Winifred and her husband had wildly different measures of contentment and the status quo so it's no wonder they were at odds all these years later.

And raise your hand if that mirrors your own relationship- I would bet all of us are sitting at our computers with our hands in the air like morons.

So part two is the meat of the book, it's essentially free marriage counseling with concrete how to steps on changing your marriage, all by yourself. So many of my friends are open to counseling but their husband won't go, doesn't see the point, doesn't think anything is wrong with him, etc and that's OK- that's why this book was written. Easily my FAVORITE chapter was the "Keep your anxiety from running the show: Strengthen your tolerance for the things that push your buttons" and holy hell, that is what I needed. Matt and I are very different communicators. I am very open, I'm willing to talk about anything and everything, and if I have an issue- I say it. Matt is the exact opposite. He says nothing. Ever. I could ask him a point blank question and I will get absolute silence. Eventually, when I get so angry at getting zero response, he'll say things like, "I was trying to think.." and then I lose it all together because I'm a mom, I will wait you out, buddy. We will sit on this damn couch for 45 minutes until you think of something but you damn sure aren't getting out of here without saying a word.

Cue the silent showdown. It's really terrible and I hate it. This book covers that. I'm trying really hard to implement the suggestions and it is HARD. At this point I seriously wonder if he is trying to send me over the edge on purpose.

The other chapter I really identified with was called, "What Happens Once You Calm Down?- Growing Separately, together". The best time in our marriage was around 2012-2014. I decided that since Matt didn't like to do the things I liked to do, and it was a nightmare to find a sitter for over nights and he always works, that I would go out with my friends. I went to concerts, I went to dinner with friends to talk, I would go out running and really took care of myself. I was the best wife during those times because I was happy. Not only that, but I was a great mom. I got breaks away from it all and I really feel like that was the key to a happy marriage/life. I didn't let the small things bother me, I felt like I more attentive to Matt, our communication was better, all things were functioning better in our relationship. When I look at life  now and it's really awful, I see I'm not doing any of those things and we're all paying for it. I don't think having separate interests means you're bound to grow apart, it did the opposite for us. On page 220 there's a line that has always been a guiding thing for me, "..it's our job to make ourselves happy in our relationship." and it is so true.

Overall? I'm giving this book 5 stars. Truly. You know I don't give those out willy nilly but this is one of the first self help books I've read that left me feeling inspired and optimistic. I really think this is a great gift to newly married couples who think they'll never hit that rut, because we ALL hit that rut. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high, people think the lovey-dovey phase will always be around and nope... it sure won't. That fades, but you have to look around and see what is still there, hopefully a solid foundation. There is a certain calm and confidence you have when you know that without a doubt, you have someone who will always have your back even if you are dead wrong. Which reminds me of the time I made a scene at a local business because I was absolutely SURE I had just gotten ripped off. Matt was with me but figured it out far quicker than me that I was actually totally wrong and making an ass out of myself. He went along with it, backing me up, and as we were leaving he says, "you know you were totally wrong, right?", to which I replied, "Yup, but I was too far in before I figured it out." and we just laughed. So though Matt drives me to the edge of my sanity, I know he will always have my back.

You can catch up with author Winifred M. Reilly through her website, her Facebook, or on Twitter!

That moment when you realize you are just house staff.

Every weekend I go into it feeling like I'm really going to get stuff DONE. I'm going to kick my to-do list's ass and I'm going to go into Monday bored because I will have already accomplished everything I needed to do.

Then Monday comes and I'm so grateful to have the kids back at school and Matt back at work. Not that I don't love them, because I do, but because by Sunday evening I realize that I might be mom and wife, but my most important role is that of house staff. I think they see me more as a maid, cook, and servant, and I'm not totally sure when this weird change has happened.

Don't get me wrong- it's not like I wait on people hand and foot because they know exactly where my foot will land if they ask. The kids have a pretty lengthy chore list and I'm pretty strict as far as not being a lazy ass all day. Yes, weekends are meant for relaxing but it's also the only time I really get help with the bigger things and frankly? I don't get a weekend. I don't get time off. People see me sitting down and then I get, "So, are you making supper?" or "Do you want me to bring laundry down?".

No bitches. I want you to be quiet and leave me alone for an hour. I'm asking for an hour a week. It's hardly selfish.

Things were particularly tense in the Strand house this weekend when on Saturday I finally lost it. Not so much with the kids because if I'm being honest, they were so great this weekend. They did their chores without me begging, they offered to help with other things, on Saturday morning they actually got Penelope out of her crib and brought her downstairs to watch cartoons so I could sleep for an extra half hour.

All super awesome, wonderful things.

The problem is Matt. I honestly think he believes that I sit at home all week with Penelope doing nothing. I sit with my feet up in the recliner, playing Candy Crush on my phone, watching show after show on Netflix, and I just chill all day every day. I think he gets that impression because that's basically what he does every second he is at home.

And before someone berates me for putting him down because he wants to relax after working 12-14 hour days- just stop it. I get that he works longs hours. I do, I appreciate it, I'm lucky he has a job and provides for his family.

It's just that I do, as well. I don't get paid and I don't have benefits or any kind of perks, but I work just as many hours, if not more, than him each and every day. I bust my ass all day. The reason this house is clean, we have food, we're able to eat the food, everyone has clean clothes, everyone is able to get where they need to be, and all of that? That's me. It's all me.

I keep trying to tell Matt I envy the fact he gets to leave the house. My life has now been reduced to being excited about needing laundry detergent and (finally!!) having a reason to leave the house. It's such a big deal that I spend 20 minutes during Penelope's nap putting on clean clothes, brushing my hair, putting makeup on, and actually make it feel like I'm going on a big outing. That's what it's come down to.

I'm excited about Walmart.

Don't even get me started on days I get to go to Target. Going to Target has now become like going to church the two times a year you really should, Christmas and Easter. Target is my church. I wear nice shoes and good underwear because the Duluth Target's parking lot is so bad I might actually need an ambulance after being hit by an inattentive driver. I try to prepare because no respectable person goes to Target with three day old underwear and no makeup.

I mean, come on.

But this weekend I really had it out with Matt. I get so frustrated that I have to tell him that he can't play games on his phone, and that if he wants Penelope to stop crying and grabbing at his phone, he needs to get on the floor and play with her. He's a super intelligent guy but honestly, he's the dumbest person I know when it comes to human interaction. He's actually the worst. Every day I stare at him thinking he probably really does have Asperger's because there has to be an explanation other than he's an asshole. I hate to think he chooses to be this way.

Anyways.

He said nothing. As usual. I honestly don't know why I even bother to talk to him, it's not like he retains anything or even cares to change things up a bit. But I swear to god, one of these days that damn phone is going to be missing and he's going to go through withdraw and it won't be good. I just wish my family would treat me better. It's not like I don't go above and beyond to make happy, safe lives for them. I really try hard. I have to ask, beg, and then plead with anyone to just do something without me asking. It never happens and for that next hour everyone is on their best behavior, hurriedly running around the house getting things done as if in a show to prove to me that they do indeed do something around the house. I'm at the point where I refuse to give accolades for doing anything because honestly, if I have to tell you, then beg, then lose my shit? You don't deserve praise. Be grateful we didn't all land on the news.

Losing your identity and sanity

It's no secret that marriage and parenthood are hard even under the best circumstances. I've never pretended that I had it all together or that things were easy, but I do try to put on the happy face because that's what we're expected to do. No newlywed or soon to be parent wants to hear that things are going to get tough. And, at some point, we kind of forget about all of the hard days later on down the road but it doesn't mean those hard days don't exist.

They very much do.

Right now I'm struggling and it's hard to really put into words what's bothering me. Currently, I am doing the stay at home mom thing. I won't lie and tell you it's grand because most days I would very much disagree. I love my time with Penelope but I find myself getting dumber every day. I'm getting angry when there's no reason to be angry. I'm frustrated and tired.

Matt is also working a ridiculous amount of hours at work. On one hand, it's nice because the extra money is always needed and especially heading into the holiday season and winter months, it gets tough. On the other, it really sucks because I don't get a break. He's worked almost 31 days in a row and while I appreciate that means he hasn't gotten a break either, I'm about ready to lose my mind. My argument is at least he gets to leave the house. I'm stuck here. I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything, I'm literally stuck in this house with three kids who demand every ounce of energy I've got.

And it's not that I hate it. It's just that I'm tired.

I haven't slept well in months. My back is killing me because Penelope is damn near twenty pounds. I'm constantly freezing because I'm trying to not turn the heat on too much and hopefully that'll save some money. I often forget to eat or don't end up having time to eat. I'm overwhelmed with PTO stuff. Just when I think things are in a groove, I get parents emailing me telling me what a crap job I'm doing. I think people are annoyed with me when I can't just get up and run an errand, but don't realize that I've got a VERY small window each day that I can run errands that are in between Penelope's nap time so it really limits what I can do and where I can go.

I've tried telling Matt I need help and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. He did a load of laundry and then went to work. I'm not ashamed to tell you I cried in the bathroom while Penelope cried in her crib and Olivia and Jackson argued over who gets to use the Kinetic Sand castle shaper first. And I'm just feeling like I am barely treading water. I'm starting to just not give a damn about anything.

Sunday was especially bad and I'm not too ashamed to say I spent what little I had on my credit card to get Santa pictures of the kids, get their Christmas concert outfits and a top to wear for our family pictures coming up. Which is absurd because to think Matt will even get off of work in time to go is nuts. I'm at the point where it feels like he'd give his left arm for his job and the rest of us can just suck it. This is the downside of being that dedicated employee, you get treated like shit but he apparently likes it. He doesn't even see that people say no because they know he'll pick up the slack.

I can't even fault him for that because honestly, that's what it feels like with some of the things I'm involved with. I don't know what it's like to have actual time for myself anymore. I love when people say, "Oh, I can't help out because my kids have *insert activity* tonight and I've got to sit there." Oh, nice. I don't know what that's like. I have to drop my kids off and hope someone can get them in case I can't get there on time to pick them up. I'm expected to just make time and rearrange my schedule because you know, it's just my life, no biggie. It makes me feel resentful and used, honestly.

But through it all, I feel like I'm slowly going back to that place I was at in 2008 where I had no idea who I was anymore. I gave and gave until I had nothing left and I was in, probably the worst depression valley I have ever been in. And I can't even get on medication to fix it because let's be honest, I can take all of the pills in the world but if things in my environment don't change, nothing gets better. It's hard to just get out of bed anymore.

I mean, it's just the American Dream, right? Welcome to marriage and motherhood, I guess.

Eleven

Good golly, Miss Molly. Matt and I will officially be married eleven years shortly before 3 p.m. today. Which, is kind of weird. Sometimes it feels like we've been married forever and other times, I think eleven years is just a drop in the bucket. It's nothing, really.

In hindsight, we were literally babies when we got married. I was 22 and Matt was almost 24 on our wedding day. We thought we knew it all. We had our own apartment, we had our college degrees, we had great jobs. We knew we were going to have kids right away and buy a house. We were going to do everything you do after you get married. Because that's just what you do. You grow up, get married, buy a house, have kids. It's practically a guideline for adulthood.

Except we were in no shape ready to do any of those things. We scoffed when people said we should do pre-marital counseling. We had a GREAT relationship, we never fought, we were madly in love. It wasn't like we had issues. Now we know better and ended up doing pre-marital counseling when we were married for three years and in a marital crisis because, SURPRISE, problems will happen. Your spouse will disappoint you, you might even get hurt along the way, and you'll want to throw in the towel. Because what nobody ever tells you about marriage is that it is the hardest relationship to sustain.

Of all of the people we knew getting married around the same time, it's us and one other couple who are still married. Everyone else is long since divorced and have not one nice thing to say about each other. Matt and I came damn close in 2007 and honestly, the only thing that held us together was me learning I was pregnant with Jackson. I think if he hadn't been on his way, we would have gotten divorced and that would have been that. I like to think maybe that's why Jackson is so sweet, he had a bigger job in life and he didn't even know it.

But in eleven years, Matt and I have learned the following things through trial and error, and more counseling than we'd like to admit:

• In our own way, we are difficult to live with. 
• I have a tendency to be awful. Sometimes my sarcasm and joking around isn't well received by Matt, though it's never my intention to hurt his feelings. I hate to say it, but sometimes we're like Jon & Kate Gosselin. Truly. People rip that couple to shreds, but I'm very much Kate- organized, controlling, bossy, demanding and Matt is very much like Jon- everything could be going to absolute shit and not a single crap is given. Which sends me over the edge because I don't always do well in chaos. 
• His indifference to life makes it hard for me to enjoy myself sometimes. 
• We aren't always a good team together. We are a couple that would only make it onto shows like The Amazing Race just because we would bring the drama factor, not because we had any chance at all at winning. 
• Sometimes I have to be submissive to Matt. Which was the HARDEST pill to swallow in counseling. It goes against everything in my body, everything I was raised to be. I was raised to be independent, to not depend on a man for anything. Which, to some extent, is still very much me. But on the other hand, I've come to recognize that Matt does so much better as a husband and father if I defer to him, even on dumb things. I have learned to include him on every decision, and I consult with him before I do things. Even if I know I'm 100% right (because I am, let's be real), giving him that input makes all the difference. And coincidentally, takes a load off my shoulders at the same time. Bonus. 
• I still struggle with trusting him, though it's been years since he's given me reason to not trust him. They same time heals all wounds but I can say with all honesty, I'm still waiting. But I've also come to realize that maybe it's OK for some wounds to still be there. 
• But the most important thing I have learned is that nobody else is responsible for my happiness. At my lowest low in our marriage came the understanding that if I wasn't happy, I had to do something about it. And I started doing things for myself. Taking better care of myself, bonding with my children, re-establishing my friendships I had let go to the wayside in lieu of making my marriage work, and working on my own self esteem. I consider myself a happy person, but not because of Matt. Matt is just one happy and good thing in my life, among so many. There is no thing as a knight in shining armor. No guy is going to come around and change your life and make it all rainbows. You have to do that for yourself, and if you're lucky, you'll have someone you call a partner in life that gets to see you at your best. 
• And on the other side of the coin, no person is responsible for your unhappiness. It's not your husband, or your wife's, fault that you hate your life. That you aren't as happy as you know you could be. You're unhappy because you choose to be. You're relying on someone else to carry your emotional weight in this world and that's nobody's job but yours. Own it. 
• It helps to be absolutely stubborn and refuse to quit. There will always be times where you think you've had enough and maybe the grass actually is greener out there. And it might be. It absolutely could be better with someone else. But then we remember the vows we said, for better or worse, good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer.... and then realize we're in it for the long haul. And we're only human. We make mistakes. It's a life long learning process and I know he'll be there to help me along when I need it, just as I'm there to help him along when he needs it.

Love you, babe. Maybe someday we'll get to vacation without the kids again. xoxo

A whole stinking DECADE!

You guys, today? Today is kind of a big deal. It's a milestone that for awhile there, I didn't think we were going to get to but by god, we did.

As of 2 p.m. this afternoon, we will officially have been married for a whole ten years.

 And we're still as cute as we were all the way,

back then. I mean, look how stinking young we looked. Sometimes I look back at these pictures and just think how much we didn't know. There was so much heading our way that most couples would have tossed the towel in and gave up. And lots did. Of all of the people we know who got married the same year we did, only one couple remains other than us. Out of a lot.

We certainly haven't had it easy and we totally had no idea what we were doing. Honestly, it feels like old hat to us now but things are bound to come our way again and we'll have to figure out a new way to be. I'm sure of it.

Had someone told me on my wedding day how incredibly difficult it is to be married and how hard you'd have to work every day for it, I would have called them a liar. It was so free and easy when we started but man- life is hard. Life is hard all on your own, and it's harder when you have a partner because you have to keep growing, but try to grow at the same speed as them so you're always a cohesive team. Nobody can sprint ahead of the other. When one lags, you've got to give up what you're doing and help them out.

That's before you even add kids to the mix. It is exponentially harder once you do that. Nothing is ever easy with kids and man, I could have not picked a better dad than Matt. I really couldn't. He is tremendous. Sure, he gets cranky and he's usually always grouchy, but he's the guy that deals with unpleasant things like bodily fluids, broken toys, and outdoor experiences.

Here are some fun things we've dealt with in our first ten years of marriage:

• Buying our first house! Man, it was a total dump when we bought it but we were really sad to leave it. 
• Despite the fact we tackled a lot of home improvement projects from hell. 
• We had a baby! Baby Olivia gave us our first really tough year. Who knew babies were so stressful?
• I had post-partum depression and it was awful. Matt was really great and honestly, without him I maybe wouldn't have made it. 
• He lost his job, we struggle with depression, we have marital issues, we enter marriage counseling. And cry a whole bunch. 
• We're super broke but having another baby!
• We have Baby Jackson and all feels right in the world. He's even cute so that's an added bonus. 
• No choice but bankruptcy. Dark year in the Strand house. 
• We have pets that are all mentally deficient. Matt volunteers to assist our poor cat in heat. Does not hit her g-spot and it became a really awful few months with lots of cat moaning. 
• Matt gets fabulous new job. We hardly see him, but he loves it and that's worth the world. 
• I quit my job. Last two weeks as a stay at home mom and get new job. 
• Kids start school, we are grossly overwhelmed. 
• Matt and I learn how to give enemas and do poop flush outs. We're slightly ashamed this is what our lives have come to. These are our glory years. 
• We take many family trips, two which include airlines. I hope the kids don't remember them as traumatic experiences like I do. 
• We decided to move. It was scary. 
• But then we moved and it was awesome!
• Then Sara commits Matt to being a dog owner. He reluctantly agrees and as it turns out, Twinky prefers Matt to any of us. Matt hates this, yet reluctantly and begrudgingly walks the damn dog every night no matter the weather. 
• We suffer the loss of baby #3. But Matt's still awesome and great. 
• ??

Who even knows what's next for us. That's a really brief list of some highlights. It's kind of crazy to think back and remember all of the good, and the bad, and think- we made it. 

I remember times where I was so sad and depressed that I thought we weren't ever going to get through it. We might, but it'll never be the same and I didn't know if as a couple, we could handle that. And I was right, we aren't the same. We aren't even close to how we were when we first got married. I'm not in love with Matt anymore. That faded away long ago, as it does. But I love him far more than I ever could have in the beginning. I have a far better appreciation for him as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a person. Matt is easily, the hardest working person I have ever met in my life. He's never afraid to learn something new, he's never afraid to try a new experience. He is willing to do pretty much anything I sign us up for or put on the table. When things get really awful, I know that he would drop whatever he was doing to help me. I used to wonder if he actually loved me, but I don't anymore. As I've gotten older I've learned that just because he isn't a very emotive kind of guy, he shows me in other ways. 

This is the guy who will get out of bed at midnight to get me a shake if I want it. He'll run and get me nachos from random bars, movie theater popcorn, he'll leave work to bring me lunch or shovel me out at work. If one of the animals leaves a gross mess on the floor, he'll leave work to come clean it up because I can't do it without vomiting everywhere as well. He takes on the home improvement projects I spring on him at the very last minute and goes with it. 

He's a really great guy overall. He just is. And I love him a whole lot. Plus, he's still really hot especially when he is working on the house and has the tool belt on.... anyways. I'm really lucky to have Matt. I can't see myself without him. Even in the worst of times, I can't imagine a life without him with me. He's my rock when I need him to be and that is better than butterflies when I see him. I don't have that any more, but it feels different. It's like my other half is there and all is right again. I wish people knew that it does get better. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, it's harder than parenting sometimes. But the spot Matt and I are in now? I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

It will always hurt. No matter what.

I know a lot of things about Matt. He's intelligent, he's shy, he's a hard worker, he's a good dad overall, and he's also really terrible when it comes to feelings. Specifically, when it comes to feelings towards anyone else, or anyone else's feelings, he just doesn't have that capacity. I don't know why, it used to be there, but it's gone now and I know that right now, I suffer the most. I'm mindful enough to know that someday, the kids will pick up on this and I don't know what I'll do when that happens.

I feel like I am a pretty good about being selfless. Sure, there are times when I'm selfish but people can be that way sometimes. Not all of the time, there are definitely times where you have to ignore what you want and feel and do for another person. You just do it. It's not something someone teaches you, something inside of you as a person triggers this and we have the ability to ignore it, which hardens us over time, or to go with it and maybe grow into a better person.

It is currently 10:20 at night and I'm alone, downstairs, feeling all kinds of sorry for myself. My babies are tucked into bed and adorable as ever. My husband is sleeping soundly upstairs as if nothing in the world is wrong.

But it is.

You see, today was Mother's Day. I don't expect grand gestures. I'm leery of them by nature and I don't know why. But there are only three times a year where it's nice to be recognized: my birthday, our anniversary, and Mother's Day. I don't know why every year I give my hopes up thinking that this year? This year Matt will finally take a few minutes to figure out how to do something nice for me. At the bare minimum, he could easily call my mom, ask my friends, or even ask our own kids what can he do to make the day a little bit special.

But no.

He doesn't do any of those things. Instead, he acts like an asshole all day to me, snaps at the kids, and never once says happy Mother's Day. No card, no flowers, no nothing. Doesn't offer to take us out to dinner, doesn't offer to make dinner, doesn't do anything nice to say, "hey- you work so hard keeping this family together, let me do this while you sit and relax."

Nothing.

Instead, it takes Jackson asking him why he didn't do anything nice for me for Mother's Day. Why did you get mommy a card? Or a present? And that? That breaks my heart. It physically pains me to think that Matt is teaching Jackson that this is how you treat someone you love. I have to work double time to re-write the lessons his father gives him.

So Matt, feeling shamed by his six year old, runs to Target to get me some shit card and a book off the clearance rack as if that's some kind of penance. It's not. In fact, I left it all on the counter with a note that said, "too little, too late". That was around 7 tonight. He's avoided me since but I see that it's all gone. I hope he feels shame. I hope he feels like once again, he's let me down. I hope he understands that yet again, I sit down here crying because it's yet another year where no acknowledgement at all happens. Even if he had said he didn't get me a gift because we don't have money, but that he really appreciates what I do and how  hard I work at being a mom and a wife- that would have been enough. I would have understood and I would have at least felt like I was loved.

But tonight I feel none of that. I just feel really sad.

In my head I know that Matt just isn't wired like some guys. In my head I know that these things don't come to him and he has no idea how awful he is sometimes. In my heart though, I still hold hope and it hurts every single time. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result? So maybe I'm insane. But every year, I hold out hope that he'll remember how badly I felt the year before and he'd think maybe he should do something differently.

But no.

Every year it's the same. Every year it hurts.

Almost ten.

It's been awhile since I've reported anything on the marriage front. Someone recently emailed me and asked how things were because I haven't mentioned Matt. You'll all be pleased to know he's alive and well, albeit he does have a cold and he's trying to convince me he is on the verge of dying from it.

What is pretty cool is that in June we will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. I know, ten. It's kind of a big deal. Of all of the people we know who were married around the same time we were, only a few remain married to the same person still. Most checked out around year five or less. We've come close but we keep trudging along things surely the best years are to come.

I will say, hands down, the worst years of a marriage are the first five. I look back on those years for us and I totally understand why people throw the towel in and say just to hell with it already. Those first five years brought the purchase of our first home, the birth of two children, infidelity, job loss, marriage counseling, bankruptcy, mental illness struggles, post-partum depression, family health issues, and another job shake up. When I look back on all of that I wonder, why not? Most of that was not what I had signed up for and I certainly didn't think we'd encounter it but we did. We did because we got lazy.

You may not believe it, but at heart, I'm a lazy person. I have great intentions, I do. But by the end of the day, I am exhausted. I'm sick of mothering, I'm sick of working, I'm sick of cleaning, I'm sick of hearing myself breathe- it's hard for me to give anything else to Matt when I feel like I've got nothing. Not to mention there are times where he makes me so angry I could literally rip my own hair out. I don't fully understand how his mind works and I don't know why after all of this time he doesn't just start the god damn dinner when he knows full well what we're having, instead he just sits there and plays stupid while I'm running around like a lunatic doing seven things at once. Then he wonders why I'm angry.

It's that kind of thing that I'm not sure I'm ever going to understand and it's sometimes hard to reconcile that.

But at the end of the day, he's alright. He's a good guy. He means well and I have to say that in my head a lot because he does try. He will always drop what he's doing and go to the movie theater to get me popcorn just because I want some. He cleans up puke and never makes me feel bad about it as I gag in a different room. He doesn't blink an eye when I need time away from everyone, he is a good sport, he puts up with my humor, he will leave work to bring me lunch if I'm too lazy to get it myself, he does a lot of great things.

Let us not forget how super awesome I am as a wife, either. I mean, I could list the reasons but you'd grow bored and nobody has time for that kind of list. We just know I'm super great and wonderful.

So with our anniversary coming up, I want to do something kind of great to celebrate. Preferably without kids, something fairly inexpensive because I have surgery the week after our anniversary and we are super broke right now, but something kind of awesome and romantic. My hope was to surprise a trip to Key West for him, but since our entire tax refund has gone to medical bills, that's shot. Unless I win the lottery, then it's still an option. I'm just out of ideas. It's hard to plan something awesome for a guy who really only likes to do nothing except watch woodworking shows or Antiques Roadshow. I mean, neither of those scream "super awesome fun times" for me, so that's out. I've got to think of something.

These are from when we first started dating. We both graduated college together, at that point we had been dating five months. The first picture was in the first month we were dating. Look at how skinny I was. And how stinking young we looked. BABIES, I tell you. Aw, those were the days where I always had money to get my hair done and eyebrows waxed, shopped at Pac Sun & Deb, and had seven colors of Adidas shoes. Matt blew his entire paycheck on rent, computer parts and beer.

Those were the days. :)

I Know You Care

While driving a few weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite albums of all time, Ellie Goulding's Halycon and I thought.. maybe I should do posts about songs that hit home for me and maybe tell the background why. Lord knows that album is like me, my story, everything. I can identify with it all and I could probably do posts every day about what those songs remind me of. But I'll start with this song and go from there.

I Know You Care


Matt and I will have been married for ten years in June. It's a huge feat and I don't care what anyone says. It's huge. Anyone who knows our story and what we've been through will agree- not many thought we'd make to this point.

And sometimes? Sometimes I don't know how we will either. Sometimes I don't know why I stay and other times I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Because for every awful thing I've dealt with, for every night I cry alone in the far corners of the house, for every time I have felt unappreciated, unloved, and more- there are other times where I look at him and I can't imagine not being with him. I look at him and I remember the young man when we started dating and how I had felt like I had finally met The One. Like finally I had someone who would care for me, be my rock, and never let me feel anything less than cherished.

I know he cares. I know he does. I can look at him and I can tell he cares but doesn't know what to do. So he does nothing. Sometimes I look at him and I can tell something is wrong, the other shoe is going to drop and he doesn't have the balls to tell me in an attempt to save himself. Sometimes I think he does this because he knows I'm strong enough to handle anything and while that's comforting to think he sees me like that, it also angers me because I have a right to not be surprised by bad things. I have a right to be told by my husband and not others.

I remember when we were just dating, and even just married- I would anxiously await for him to come home like a child. I would squeal and practically run him over. Weekends spent in bed were the life and I took it all for granted. Because I didn't know that my heart would be broken, that he would become complacent and take me for granted and I didn't know that staying in love was so hard. Because it is hard. It's really hard when it's one hardship after another and you're dealing with horrible depression and nobody tells you this.

But I still hope that someday, someday my Matt will come around. He will see what he's done to me as a person and care. I hope that someday he'll turn around and just be the same Matt he was when we were 20 and 22 and he was on bended knee telling me how important I was to him and how he didn't want a life without me. It's like he's trapped in a glass box and he wants to do better but can't figure out how to get out. Because I can see it in his eyes- he does love me. He does care. He does want to be everything I need but he's stuck inside. That's what depression does to a person. It's really awful. It's really awful to watch in someone you love so much.

Maybe the worst part, is knowing that I could do better. I could find someone who wouldn't leave me to cry alone in the dark, but that I wouldn't leave. I couldn't leave him because he would be worse off and I can't do that to him because he means too much to me. I can't be that selfish, and it's ironic because he is so selfish. But two wrongs never make a right so I'm here.

10 years is a biggie.

I was recently talking to my friend who recently celebrated her ten year wedding anniversary with her husband and we both realized that of our friends, we're the oddballs. Matt and I will have been married ten years this coming June and I've long felt that if we made it that far- we should celebrate. The fact is, ten years is a long time. Then when you take into consideration the divorce rate and how willy nilly people are to get married, it feels like an even bigger obstacle.

Matt and I got married knowing it was going to be difficult, we may not always agree or even like each other, but so long we could keep the foundation steady, we would be OK. And no doubt, we have had some serious challenges along the way. I was only 22 and he was 23 when we got married so we were practically babies. I think back to what we were like at those ages and how inexperience at life we were and I often wonder why anyone would agree to let us get married in the first place. How could we possibly understand the commitment and the real work it takes to keep a marriage going. But the fact is so many people don't know until they hit a rough spot and they realize they didn't have what it takes as a couple to weather it.

And by all means, getting through infidelity, betrayal, lying, financial issues, parenting, etc is really tough. It's not easy, it's really a difficult path to go and not everyone makes it. Most don't.

Matt and I did.

So as I look to our ten year anniversary I want to do something that celebrates that, and gives us a good send off for the next ten and beyond.

I thought about a vow renewal, but quite frankly, it's like a wedding re-do and we don't have the money to do that. I thought about having a dinner with some of our closest friends and family, but we also can't pay for everyone and then you run into the etiquette issue of having a dinner and asking people to pay their way and I don't know how I feel about that or what the proper way of handling that is. Then I thought about having something just at our house and while I love my house and love to entertain, I don't know if that's quite right either. Any ideas?

The other thing we've decided is that him and I are going to go on a vacation, just the two of us. We did it for our trip to Las Vegas a few years ago and we really had such a great time. It was really nice to remember when it was just us and our mini-trips and how much fun we had. So I think we'll do something similar but this time maybe head towards Arizona and do some beginner hiking and see some random things.

And I realize ten years isn't a big deal to most people, but it really is for us. There was a time where I didn't think we'd make it to ten, much less five, yet here we are. When I think of how hard I have worked at this relationship, and how hard Matt has, I'm proud of us. We aren't perfect, we still struggle, but we're trying together and that's all that you can really ask for.

Mommy is on the outskirts of crazyville.

Do you ever notice that as soon as mommy gets super pissed off that everything starts getting done? It's a miracle really, which is why maybe a  mommy should be President. You need someone who can scare the shit out of Congress to make anything happen.

It's been a stressful two weeks. Once again I've not only not taken anything off my plate, but I've instead added youth indoor soccer and swim lessons for the kids. I'll talk about the soccer (with pictures!) another day, and we don't start swimming until Monday so I'll probably have stories to tell you. So that means my time that I block off for reading for reviews and catching up on emails, paperwork, PTO stuff for Olivia's school, is dwindling to almost nothing. I'm stressed out, I'm getting tired much earlier than I ever used to, and I'm starting to lose my mouth filter. I'm not kidding- one of these days I'm just going to start shouting obscenities at people for no reason.

But I do a lot around the house, I'd even say as much as 80% of the housework, plus I cook dinner, I make sure the kid's have their homework done, I help them get organized for the next day, I take them to school, I run them to their activities, I keep on top of what's happening at said activities, and more. A lot more. More than I can even remember because I'm that overwhelmed. And I don't even ask for a lot of other people. I really don't. If I'm asking for help, it's because I have a twitchy eye and I'm stabby.

We don't need a stabby person with a twitchy eye.

So when we got our new bedroom furniture (pictures and report on that coming soon) LAST Friday, we had to do a huge furniture shuffle. Olivia got our old bed and my dresser, Jackson got Matt's dresser, their dressers came downstairs, side tables moved, etc. Then of course I have to go through and clean everyone's room and purge stuff because I'm crazy. And my dining room ends up looking like this:

I believe I've mentioned I'm crazy and I have a problem with clutter and mess. My dining room has been hoarder's paradise for oh... a FULL FUCKING WEEK. I can't even go in there. Matt promised to take it out last Saturday. 

And didn't. 

Every day since then, he's promised to take it out to the garage. 

And hasn't. 

Tonight, I lost it. Admittedly, throwing a pot of cheesy rice and broccoli was probably a poor choice of communication skills. But I think with me holding an empty pot with cheese sauce dripping down my arm and probably a twitchy eye, Matt all of a sudden decided right now is a super time to take it all out. 

And that's what pisses me off. 

Why do I have to get incredibly crazy ass angry for it to get someone to do something? Even the kids, who bitched every 15 minutes about being hungry so I'm furiously cooking supper while sorting through thousands of milk caps, box tops, and soup labels (fundraiser for Olivia's school), then refuse to eat when I get it done. 

STAB. 

Seriously. These are the times nobody tells you about motherhood and wedded bliss. There will be times where you hate your spouse and want to run away. 

This is one of those times. 

Marriage Confidential.

For all of my married readers, I am telling you right now to put this on your book buying list. If you are getting ready to get married and think it's going to be full of love, cuddling and bliss, you need to purchase this book. If you are on the verge of divorce because the "passion is gone", you need to buy this book.

Marriage Confidential - Pamela Haag

With bracing candor, Marriage Confidential take us inside a world where romantic ideas have given way to a “post-romantic” mood and a fair number of marriages end up “semi-happy.” It’s a world where the husbands of “workhorse wives” pursue the Having It All dream that married women have abandoned; where children have migrated from the children’s table to the centerpiece; and where technology, demography, and economy place unprecedented stresses on marital fidelity. Among other examples of marriage trailblazers, Haag even presents a case for how updated ideas of non-monogamy might be an option for the future.

Uniquely weaving together cultural commentary, memoir, storytelling, history, and research, Marriage Confidential gives us a riveting glimpse of what the future of marriage might look like.

Just within the introduction I found myself nodding my head fully agreeing and feeling like FINALLY. Finally someone really gets it. The author talks about how a lot marriages become "melancholy" where it isn't bad, but something feels missing leading you to constantly ask yourself, "Is this it?". She talks about how this is really hitting home for the couples who are seemingly living the American Dream- we have homes, we have careers, we have families, we have a spouse, we have everything people hope for in their lives and yet... it's not enough. But why is it not enough? I have had several conversations with friends who are in the same boat and we all wonder why marriages now don't last like our parents or even grandparent's marriages did. The book talks about how back then, marriage was where people start their lives. They got married and then built their lives together. Now, people are getting married after they've gone to school, started a career, maybe you already have a home, or even children. It makes total sense. If we already have all of these things when we enter into marriage, what is there left to build? 

I also found it interesting that the notion that feminism really screwed us in the end was made. I mean, feminists started with good intentions seeking equality but when they start waving the "We can have it all" flag meaning a home, family, and career they kind of doomed us into unhappiness. Think of every mom you know that works full time and yet is still the main caretaker of the family: how happy are they? Eventually a person is going to burn out. But then think of the stay at home moms you know: how happy are they? They've lost a certain level of independence and freedom as they stay home to care for the children. Either option you look at has pros and cons. 

I really enjoyed this book and swallowed it up quickly and really covers a LOT of information. I feel like if people who are married read this book and really fully understood that no matter WHO you marry, you'll end up here. Really, the grass might be greener somewhere else but eventually weeds creep in. You just have to be on top of them and cultivate your marriage. Marriage is hard ass work and it never ends. We talk about how you parent your children forever, well you have to put just as much effort into your marriage. If your partner doesn't want to work as hard as you, make them. Inspire them to want it just as much as you do. It's really a fascinating read and absolutely genius. 

Go HERE to see what other bloggers are saying, and please check out Pamela's website or her Facebook page. 

8 years of bliss. Sometimes.

So today is my eighth wedding anniversary. It's also the eighth year in a row Matt has rejoiced that he has made it another year to sit and bask in my awesome and everyone should only be so lucky.

You guys know that I am nothing but honest but sometimes I wonder if I knew then what I know now.. would I still have gotten married? The answer really is yes.

In the course of our eight years we have had to deal with two kids, buying a home, being flat ass fucking broke, Matt losing his job, mental health issues, infidelity, my post-partum depression, bankruptcy, having to start all over from scratch, health scares, job problems, and so much more not even in that order. To have all of that and more in either years on one couple is a lot. And I mean a lot. Not to mention it is really hard to learn how to be a good wife and a good mother all while keeping your identity as a person and not losing yourself. Nobody ever talks about that part of adulthood and that's where I think a lot of people go wrong- they lose themselves and then blame the spouse when really, it's your own fault and I was guilty of that.

There have been points in our marriage where I have really questioned us staying together, maybe we should just get divorced, sometimes I've felt like I'm the only one trying to make things work, and the spark is hardly ever there, and I often wonder maybe there is something better out there. We truly are absolute opposites as people. I'm outgoing, fun, social and he is not. He is one of the most anti-social, un-fun people I know. And I'm not even saying that as a put down, it's just a fact. He really doesn't like other people and when I get him to join me with other people I am always on edge he'll come off as a jerk because he's not a jerk, he's just not great at social interaction. So it's probably one of the reasons he and I work- I over compensate for him.

But no matter how bad things have gotten or how low I have ever felt, divorce just isn't an option. And I'll tell you why.

Because I know deep down? We are a good couple. He really is the ying to my yang, the macaroni to my cheese, the tampon to my vagina, he is the only other person that could take the amount of shit I dish to him with such a calm attitude. He is a lot of things and lacks in a lot of areas but I am no walk in the park either. This may be shocking, I know, but I can be a handful. I'm moody, bossy, bitchy, sassy, overly organized, controlling, my OCD is enough to turn anyone into an alcoholic, I'm demanding, inquisitive, adventurous, and I have a hard time making up my mind when faced with choices. I'm difficult, peeps.

And Matt handles it with grace. He really does. Sure, he pisses me off and I sometimes give him the side eye with an unsaid warning to stay in line while we watch shows about wives murdering their husbands and I'm only half joking, but I'm lucky. I'm lucky that he's an awesome dad, he's a great provider, he puts up with my shit and my baggage, he lets me go to concerts and fun things with my friends, he gives me all of the room I need to not go postal on the family.

When I said my wedding vows I really meant them. Every issue we have ever had has fallen into the better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. Every single one of them. I get kind of annoyed when people who have lesser issues than we have call it quits and throw in the towel because if Matt and I can bounce back? Anybody else can. Because not only do we love each other? We value each other in each of our lives. No matter what Matt will always be a part of my life even if he walked away tomorrow and I know I would be in his. Though we'll never do that. We somehow make it another year every year and I don't take that for granted.

We know first hand that marriage is work. It is hard work. After all of this time I have learned that I can't change him and that means that he will never be romantic. He wasn't before and he won't just suddenly learn it. He is a terrible communicator and he isn't going to turn into someone who can express his feelings. He may not work on our relationship the way I think he should but he does it in his own ways, like when he randomly does dishes. Sure, he might do a terrible job but that's his way of helping me out and saying he knows I am frazzled. I've finally learned to appreciate the things he does do instead of focus on the things I wish he did better. And that makes me sad for all of those people who got divorced too soon and never got to that point, because this is kind of a good spot to be in. I feel like I actually found my niche in life and I didn't think I would ever get here.

So happy eight years baby cakes. I still look at you and am secretly thrilled you picked me out of all the girls trying to get your number. That of the girls you dated I'm the one you thought would make a great baby mama and wife. xo

The time Matt was a superstar. And I almost peed in a canoe.

We've all read about the time Matt and I tried to kayak together and how horribly awful it was. So it was no wonder that I put off canoeing with him for as long as I possibly could. I have canoeing on my 30/30 list and since I turn 30 in March we're pretty much in the last few weeks to canoe up in northern Wisconsin. I suppose you can go until November and December, but given how shallow the Brule River already was today.. I bet it'll freeze over in those months. So this weekend? I was pretty much faced with a "shit or get off the pot" situation.

So I obviously went because if you know me by now, once I've committed to something (no matter how stupid it is) I do it.

The fun part was that after we dropped the kids at my in-laws house and drove to the canoe rental place? The rain started. Which.. yay. It was about 50 degrees, a little windy and the rain was between a mist and a light sprinkle. But this bitch? Got her ass into a canoe while a lone fisherman was trying not to laugh at me.

 We took the short route which was about an hour and a half total? According to the map, it was 45 minutes from this starting point to the Bois Brule point, and then another 40 minutes to the Hwy 2 landing point where we were parked. So off we went.

 I got to be in the front and Matt was in the back. Which (brace yourselves) THANK GOD because Matt has canoed before and knew what he was doing. I was worried because A) I suck at anything athletic and B) I had never canoed before and C) I was incredibly tired which means I'm kind of useless but punchy.

The un-fun thing was that our little trek had several areas of rapids. Matt assures me that they were only class 1 rapids but I don't care what those fucking signs say. Rapids are rapids, yo. And since I was sitting in the front of the canoe, I'm not going to lie. I kind of panicked. Like a bunch. And I'm certain that one of the worse sets of rapids came before our half way point and not only were they scary and fast, but we got stuck on a rock. It was at that moment I almost peed myself. Thankfully, Matt told me to get my shit together and help. So I did.

 And yay! We made it to the half way point!

 And I was still dry!

So we paddled even more. We saw two eagles, one of them was just chilling in a tree. We saw a duck. We saw a turkey on the road on the way there. We did not see any bears.

The really great thing? Is that though I'm still grossly uncoordinated with a paddle or oar, whatever the damn thing is called, I had a good time. Matt steered our canoe better than he steers a vehicle and for that I was thankful.

 Because I made it to the end completely dry! And I have to say? That he was a canoe rock star. He really was. I was so happy to be in the front because I couldn't see him laughing at me when I freaked out like a girl when I saw a rock or a log. I didn't even get mad when he steered us into a tree and I hit my head. Or when a bunch of branches slapped me in my mouth. I also appreciated the fact he didn't tell me that our canoe was thisclose to tipping over until we were out of the rapids. I'm sure he knew I would panic and flail and probably clear the woods of anything still alive. And tip us over in the mean time.

But all in all? I would do it again. Granted, I would prefer it to be on a sunny summer day while wearing flip flops and a bathing suit, but I would do it again. Especially if Matt was steering because he was awesome at it.

I think this was a good exercise for us in communication anyways since the kayak trip only highlighted how bad we are at it. I also think it's kind of cool to think how we've grown as a couple since that trip to now.

Before I sign off for the night, if you missed Day one of the KY Intimacy Experiment, you need to go HERE to catch up.

Six Years. And nobody has turned into an alcoholic.

So today is my six year wedding anniversary. Six years ago at this very hour, Matt and I were whooping it up at our wedding reception at a casino. Lots of people were drunk already, some were having sex in the bathroom, and I was a dancing fool. (fun fact: click play on the playlist to hear our first dance) (also fun fact: lots of compliments on our music since I had pretty much picked out everything that was to be played and in what order. Why we paid for a DJ I will never know since I did 90% of the work for him.)

Here's us literally after we got married. We were waiting for the photographer to set up. Can we say "boobies"??

And during our photos I could not stop laughing. Which is the customary thing when I get put on the spot. I think Matt was embarrassed. Whatevs.

But our six years hasn't always been fabulous. Actually we have been together for eight years and I will say maybe only half of those years, if that, have been good. But we started strong so I think that's something to remember. When we first started dating we had both had some baggage but it didn't seem to matter. We loved each other almost right away and we were a super cute couple. Obviously.

And we knew right away we were going to get married. We started dating in January, moved into our apartment in July and were engaged in October of 2002. It was a busy year.

And we got married June 12, 2004.

We don't do anything on a slow pace so in December of 2004 I got pregnant, we bought a house five months later and four months after that we had Olivia. Which was the turning point in our marriage. Everything was fine and happy up until then. I had post partum depression and honestly? I don't think either of us have ever reconciled what that did to our marriage.

We have had good times but lots of bad times. There have been times where I feel like walking out of the door. There are times where I am sure he's questioned my sanity and whether he made the right decision. There have been plenty of days where I wish I could just go back and do everything over because I think I'd do it differently.

While I have stayed true to all of the vows I pledged, he has not. While my love for him has wavered, his for me has not. And I think that is what keeps us together. I think at the end of the day, we know we're young. We know that we did everything too quickly. All of our adult milestones we have done together.

And I know we both love each other. Every time I question whether or not I should just say fuck it and leave I remember our vows. And I believe there is a reason vows say "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for good times and bad, in good health and in sickness, in happiness and sorrow." I can honestly say that in the six years we have been married we have gone through each of those things. We have been so broke that splitting a can of spaghetti o's over two dinners was a luxury. We knew eventually things had to get better we just weren't sure how that was going to happen. We've had to go through bankruptcy. But we did it together. We have all of our good memories from our road trips we used to take and just all the time we used to talk together. He handled me like a pro during pregnancy and never batted an eye when I came up with a new demand. At 2 a.m. In a blizzard. He helped me tremendously when I felt like killing myself after Olivia. I hated every minute of mommyhood and he did the best he could. When he has had some mental health issues I have done everything I could to help him through them. I know he struggles every day and every day I wish I could do more. But I'm here and I think that's all I can do.

And no matter how bad it gets, something always happens and turns it around. I can't lie and say I have no regrets, because I have plenty. There are things I wish I didn't do and things I wish I never said but I can't change that. And neither can he. We try very hard and marriage is a job. I never realized how much work was necessary for our marriage until I quit my job. And now I see what all of the drama and stress did to me and in turn, did to our marriage. No amount of money is worth the sadness I would feel if I didn't have Matt with me.

But, being real, there are days I wish I could smother him with a pillow. There are days where I wish I could run away from it all and start all over. A brand new person in a place where nobody knows me. The happiness and freedom would only be temporary but I do think about it. This feeling might change if he stopped snoring so loud neighbors across the street can hear him. I'll keep you updated. I think we're both surprised that he's not only lived to tell the tale, but also that I'm not an alcoholic by now. If that isn't a miracle I dare you to show me one.

So with that, Happy Anniversary, Matt. I love you as much as I did on our wedding day. Thank you for dealing with me and my crazy because nobody else could do it better than you. I hope we make it another 6. You know I'm all about even numbers and such. :)

Book Review: How To Get Divorced by 30- My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage

Before I get into my post (seriously- my first paragraph's are turning into fucking monologues. What the hell is up with that???) I have to respond to a comment that was left on last night's post by AaronBillyMacHarlan. He mentioned that he did a post about me, and USUALLY that means someone is a pervert trying to link me to asian porno or a reader is giving me an award. I mean both are appreciated in their own way, don't get me wrong. (I'm not really into asian porn folks, so if you want to switch it up, feel free.) no- Aaron said he wrote about me and I, as I always am when people post me little tidbits like this, was interested.

So I go there. Thankfully, Aaron wasn't selling porno even though his title "Confessions of a Massively Overweight Prostitute" kind of scared me. I can't even lie about this. And then I thought (as page was loading) maybe he's offering me a job. Except I'm not massively overweight, so I don't know if I'd meet the needs of his clientele. But then I wonder who that clientele might be and then I felt like throwing up my breakfast.

Anyways. He did a bang up job on the article, which I, as your lambwhore and goatslut leader, am telling you to check out. HERE. And Aaron- I live in Wisconsin but like 5 minutes from Minnesota, and even though you don't like chicks I'm glad you like me. You might not meet me, but I might actually be blogging in the bushes near your house. But the fact you think I'm on par with Chelsea Handler? King of the Goat Sluts. I swear to you that if I had like a crown with goats and stuff...I'd give it to you. Or put it in your driveway. Whatever. And he ends by calling me a neglected housewife which I think is a fabulous description which is a great tie in to...

(drum roll, bitches)

My book review of Sascha Rothchild's How To Get Divorced By 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Now, I need to tell you the reason I bought the book. So about two weeks before my whiner post I was at Barnes and Noble. I'm walking through with Matt and the kids and BAM! This book literally falls at my feet. So obviously because I'm fantastic citizen, I go to pick it up and see the cover.

I'm pretty sure it sang to me. Not only is the cover the fucking hotness as far as looks (because I judge books by covers. Sue me.) but the title? Is my life. I obviously took a picture on my phone and sent it to a few people who all thought I was crazy. So I didn't buy it.

Fast forward to a week ago and while I'm moping around being all pissed off and wanting to spend money on shit I don't need, I thought of the book. So I drove 20 minutes to Barnes and Noble and bought the book. And a Member Rewards card thingie. Whatevers- the cashier was hot and I'm pretty sure I was hypnotized.

So I read this book in two nights flat and Sascha needs to be my marriage coach. The book is broken up into steps on how to get divorced. And it was funny because I related to every chapter.

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. By your late 20s, you’ll realize you were merely over-correcting the first person’s flaws and that the one you married is just as wrong for you as the one you didn’t, but in very different ways.

Not only is this step relevant to just my marriage but it's basically describing all three relationships I've had. Another line in the book that struck a chord was "But although fading fervor is normal, there also has to be a little jealously, a little insecurity, and a little possessiveness." And I agree. Totally. I know really, Matt thinks he can't do any better than me, which may or may not be true, so he wouldn't leave. He'd rather settle and be unhappy forever. Now me on the other hand am the opposite. I may never get married again, but by fucking god I have to think it's possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and not dread coming home. I'm not a jealous person but back in the day- if Matt was eyeing up a chick I'd immediately compare myself. Now I'm secretly begging he'd just cheat so I'd have an excuse out and not look like an asshole. I try very hard to have a social life now because I realized that by not having one from age 19-27 I was killing myself. I missed EVERYTHING that 20 something assholes do. I'm not saying I want to be puking and on the verge of death in the bathroom of a seedy bar and wondering where my underwear went. I just would have liked the opportunity. But now when I go out- if Matt is every jealous I have no idea. I have no idea if he feels anything ever because I don't hear about it. I sometimes feel like I have a better emotional relationship with my gay cat than I do my husband.

In all there are 30 steps and each one is funnier and funnier, but more sad. But it's only sad if you are in say, a happy marriage. Or are a newlywed. But if you have hit the 5 year mark in your marriage and wake up 5 out of 7 days hoping that your spouse has moved their stuff out while you were sleeping and left an optional note- you might enjoy this book. If you plan events and kind of hope your spouse backs out so you can bring a kick ass friend and pretend to be hot and single, this book is for you. If you already have at least one marriage under the table by age 30 you will love this book. If you are a guy who never wants to get married you should read this book to know where and when you should start fucking up.