Goats + Macaroni + Pizza = 15

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you would have seen last week Matt and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. Kind of a big deal because years 2007-2012 were so rough that I honestly didn't think we were going to make it and it's been a struggle to get through some patches.

But we've made it.

It's weird to say I think we're in the best part of marriage right now, but it's true. Considering we're really broke, we're really stressed out, Matt has to do a lot more to keep the house going and help me on really not great days, and I'm trying to keep going everyday and keep up with my appointments and go in with a positive attitude, we are EASILY at the hardest, most stressful part of our journey. Surely nobody could have predicted this is what our life would be like right now but here we are.

So when I say we're at our best? I mean it. I know every day that when it comes down to the end of the line, Matt is my ride or die. He is literally going to be there and see me to the end no matter how awful it is. I can't imagine holding anyone else's hand when I get bad news. I can't imagine laying next to anybody else. He really is, no kidding, the only person I truly feel safe with. And I don't mean safe like I'm in danger, but I know he's going to take care of me. It's really the best feeling. Anything can come our way and I know we'll be OK. I don't think you can get to this point without time and awful things happening, to be honest.

On our anniversary, for the second or maybe third time EVER, I had flowers delivered to me. I was so surprised and I LOVE THEM. He also got me a bunch of candy a cute card. 

And then I read the inside. Still a jerk.

That night we decided were going to take the kids out to eat and we would go somewhere in Canal Park which is where we stopped to take photos on our wedding day. 

These photos are 15 years apart and we have aged SO MUCH. I could hardly believe it when I looked at the photos on my computer.

After dinner we went back to Brighton Beach and we let the kids throw rocks. Can we all appreciate Penelope's stance and hand gesture? And Lucy trying to copy? I seriously love everything about this picture. Even whatever it is Jackson is doing. 

Again, these kids are so weird and I love them for it. HA!

That weekend though, Matt arranged for ALL THE KIDS to spend the night somewhere other than our house.

Let me repeat that- we were KID FREE FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT. It's so rare that happens and I was so grateful because I was just saying I really miss hanging out with just Matt. I'm not kidding when I say we get to go on one date a year. One. We are not that couple hiring babysitters, and having four kids makes it really hard to get them all somewhere. Thankfully between both Grandma's all the kids were accounted for. 

We got to try a new restaurant I had heard about and lord knows this isn't a place I would bring kids to. (This was after shopping in a store that's a pain to bring kids to. Very exciting day.)

If you know me in real life you know I always order Chicken Strips or a Cheeseburger (well done, as done as done gets, burn it if you have to). Always. Everyone laughs.

YOU GUYS- I ordered macaroni and cheese. They had my usual and I decided that I'm a big kid now, so logically I order macaroni and cheese. It was alright. Dare I say too much cheese? It was kind of too much. 

Then we got to go to a grown up movie, Shaft, and it was really pretty good. It was us and maybe 5 other people in there but I really liked the movie and this isn't even my go-to movie genre.

The next day we decided to go on a quick lunch date since we had no kids and I had a coupon (ha!) so we went to Vitta Pizza in Canal Park. 

I'm glad I didn't bring the kids because they wouldn't have eaten anything in there but we each ordered a small pizza and waited. 

It's not often we look happy by lunch time on a weekend, usually by this point everyone is fighting and we've both declared we're taking a nap.

The pizza was really good, though! I really liked mine and now that I'm looking at it again I kind of want to ditch the kids so we can go again.

Overall? I'm going to declare this our best anniversary yet. This was the year we wanted to go to Hawaii but that didn't happen. We'll go someday.

15 years of pretty alright.

So as of 2:30ish this afternoon, Matt and I will have been married for 15 years. We've been together since January 2002, moved in together July 2002, engaged October 2002, and married June 2004. Honestly, we would have gotten married sooner but I have a thing about doing big things on odd years so we had to wait and the fact he even went along with that is a testament to Matt's patience. We met at Campbell Lumber where both him and my mom worked and she told me about this cute guy she works with around my age. It turns out that fall he was transferring to my college and we'd say hello in the hallway. I actually broke up with my fiance (don't ask) that September, started dating a much older guy who turned out to be the worst ever (don't ask), and by Thanksgiving 2002 I was moving my stuff out of my first apartment with my ex-fiance by myself, in the snow, (I am a testament that you should ALWAYS live with someone before you get married) and really depressed. I spent Christmas alone and pretty depressed, not sure what I was going to do in general. I sent out Christmas cards to some of my friends and family and took a chance and put one on Matt's windshield at work letting him know I hope his first semester went OK and if he had any issues with class start up, let me know and I could try to help (I was a work study in financial aid and student services). Right after New Years I ran into Matt again when he was working (I was visiting my mom between my two jobs) and he asked me if I wanted to hang out on a weekend he wasn't working and just watch movies. I said sure, he picked me up, we rented some movies, got him a sandwich at Subway, went back to the house he was renting a room in, and watched Pearl Harbor (unnecessarily long and completely lame) and The Fast & the Furious (pretty alright), and then I think he started Star Wars in his room but I actually fell asleep. 

And did not wake up until the next morning. I'm not even kidding. We had a second date I think the very next day (which was my dad's birthday so I stayed for cake and then left) and the rest is history. I knew I loved him within two weeks. I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever seen, he could fix my computer for school, he had a job, he was funny, he liked to do touristy things with me, he was as broke as I was, we had similar life plans, and we just clicked. 

We graduated college together that May. We knew we wanted to live together and started looking for places and he had heard about a one bedroom apartment above a video rental store in south end, with a garage and free laundry, and was only $425 a month in rent and that included all of our utilities. It felt like fate so we took it. Those were two of the best years of my life. I loved that little apartment and I remember crying when we had to leave even though we had bought our first home because I got pregnant six months after we got married. 

In just 15 years of marriage we have dealt with: depression, infidelity, job loss, bankruptcy, marriage counseling, new jobs, selling our first home and buying a new home, five pregnancies (one miscarriage and four babies), more depression, me dying during childbirth and becoming disabled, more depression, and now we're here. I know I'm missing a lot in there because I always say that if it can happen, it has happened to us and it wasn't easy but we've made it. 

We had some really rough years, yes YEARS, and there have been a lot of times where I've wondered if we were even going to make it. Perhaps the only positive that has come from dying and coming back is I know with every fiber in my body, Matt is my ride or die (literally) and I am his. We're older now, we're definitely not wiser, we always feel like we're winging it, but I know with 100% certainty that if I called Matt right now and told him I need him, he would completely drop whatever he is doing, wherever he is, and he would be here. He wouldn't question it, he would never make me feel bad for calling for him, and he would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Sometimes I see "what would you tell your younger self" type questions but if I had to tell this couple some stuff, it would be this: 

1. This joy you feel on this day is fleeting. It goes away. Sometimes it lasts a couple of weeks, but it will always go away. It isn't meant to last because that's not what love is. 
2. Always, always, ALWAYS put each other first. You will think you can focus on kids and family first and then your partner later because they'll be there, but that's not true. It has to be the other way around. I have fun with friends but if he says no to something, or he'd rather I hang out at home- I always do. I can think of only one time in all of these years he did that and it was right after my AFE and he didn't want me to go to the mall alone. Instead, he let me hang out at home and he took all of the kids out because all I really wanted was to be alone. 
3. Even the relationships on the best foundation will crack. Marriage is THE hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than giving birth. Harder than any schooling I've had. Harder than any physical training I've done. Harder than recovering from death. Harder than ANYTHING. Every single day I go to bed I think about how I could have been a better wife. Some days I'm a really terrible wife. Some days he's a really terrible husband. But those are just singular days. 
4. Two wrongs don't make a right and you can never go tit for tat. If your relationship becomes a place where you can compete who can hurt who more in an effort to "show them how it feels", you are doomed from the start. It's not about hurting them, it's about showing them how it hurts you so they understand and (hopefully) don't do it again. 
5. We are always a united front. I might 100% disagree with his parenting style but I will always back him up (obviously unless safety is concerned but that's never been a thing with us, so calm the hell down). I will back him up and when it's our time after everyone goes to bed, I'll tell him that was stupid and why. He does the same.
6. Accept who he is. To be fair, I still struggle with this and that's on me. I knew going in that Matt was not romantic. Pretty much not at all. I might get flowers, but they are the $5 bunch that look like weeds. I  might get a date once a year but I know it's dinner and a movie (if I'm lucky) and that's it. I will never be whisked away on a trip.... unless I plan it completely. I won't ever get sweet notes, cards, or texts with declarations of how he loves me. I won't ever get a birthday or Christmas gift with sentimental value because that's not how his brain works, he's very utilitarian so I will get something I've asked for very specifically or something he thinks I need. 

There is probably a lot more advice I could give but lord knows I can't remember it. HA! I just know that marriage is really hard, and that the honeymoon phase really is just a phase. You'll get bored with the person, they will drive you crazy, and you will wonder if this is as good as it gets, are you missing out on your soul mate out there? And I'll tell you that it does get better. If you had told me way back in 2007-2012 that things will get better and I will be happier than ever with him, I would have thought you were nuts. Completely nuts. 

But here we are. 

Matt is really the only person in the whole world who has hung by me on my worst days and my best days. He's the only person who is here every day and sees my short comings that I try really hard to hide from everyone. He's the only person who loves me just the same and never makes me feel like I'm a failure, a bad mom, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad person. Every single day he tells me he loves me and he never makes me feel like I'm missing the mark as a wife. He is proud of every accomplishment I have, even if it's just walking the neighborhood and getting home on my own. He has his flaws and we have our problems, but I know that at the end of my life, he'll be right there. No matter what. The only thing I'm really scared of in life is him dying before me because he absolutely, 100% is my rock. I depend on him for everything. He's my person. 

This will always be my favorite picture from our wedding. It was right after our ceremony, people had filed out and were waiting for us to get into the limo but we were waiting for our witnesses to sign the marriage paperwork. The photographer just snapped this quick and to be honest? This is the only moment from my wedding day that I still remember. The ceremony and reception? Is gone. But I look at this picture and we look so young (I was 22 and he was not quite 24) and it looks like we were just waiting for life to happen. 

And happen it did. 

Happy 15th, babe. I would pick you over and over again. (Even though your project management skills are terrible, you get the wrong stuff at the grocery store, and you snore so loudly. The fact I can overlook all of that is a testament to how much I love you.)

14 years

So today Matt and I have been married for 14 years. We have been together for 16 years total but we only celebrate our wedding anniversary. If anyone had told me ten years ago that we'd still be married, and happy, I would have laughed in your face. There were times where things weren't so great and I think we both thought about leaving and chalking it up to being too young to get married. We weren't mature, we hadn't lived life yet, we hadn't done enough as a couple before we got married to really know if this was our partner.

But through it all, Matt has proven to be my ride or die. Literally. He's there anytime I need him. He drops everything and comes. Whether it's me in labor, cat puke, dead bunny in the yard, or a poop explosion, he doesn't blink an eye. He does all of the worst jobs of parenting and home ownership and never complains.

He might not be emotionally supportive the way I need but he does his best in his own way. And I've come to appreciate that. You're never going to find someone who checks off every box but you can find someone who checks off a lot of them and you can be happy. 

We fight. We argue. We still have bad days but not once do I ever worry that this is it for us. I know that tomorrow is another day and we'll be just fine. 

He's always up for adventure. If I throw out an idea he's totally game for it. He does his absolute best to get me things I want, always provides what I need, and provides for our family better than anyone else could. He works his ass off every day and never complains. 

It's funny because now we've been together for so long I can't remember a time without him. I don't want to face anything without him by my side. I think about our future and I can't imagine what it would be like if he died before me, I would be heartbroken. I don't know what I would do, to be honest. 

He's the best guy I could have ever picked. He has his flaws, but so do I. I'm not a perfect wife or mom, I have serious flaws that I work on but he's makes sure I know I'm loved anyways, that he wouldn't want anyone else. That no matter what happens he is going to hold my hand and help me.

I can finally say we are at that stage where we feel secure in our marriage, that it feels like this was meant to be. It hasn't been an easy journey and we are sometimes dragging the other behind us, but we've landed here together. Here's to so many more years. Love you, babe.

Eleven

Good golly, Miss Molly. Matt and I will officially be married eleven years shortly before 3 p.m. today. Which, is kind of weird. Sometimes it feels like we've been married forever and other times, I think eleven years is just a drop in the bucket. It's nothing, really.

In hindsight, we were literally babies when we got married. I was 22 and Matt was almost 24 on our wedding day. We thought we knew it all. We had our own apartment, we had our college degrees, we had great jobs. We knew we were going to have kids right away and buy a house. We were going to do everything you do after you get married. Because that's just what you do. You grow up, get married, buy a house, have kids. It's practically a guideline for adulthood.

Except we were in no shape ready to do any of those things. We scoffed when people said we should do pre-marital counseling. We had a GREAT relationship, we never fought, we were madly in love. It wasn't like we had issues. Now we know better and ended up doing pre-marital counseling when we were married for three years and in a marital crisis because, SURPRISE, problems will happen. Your spouse will disappoint you, you might even get hurt along the way, and you'll want to throw in the towel. Because what nobody ever tells you about marriage is that it is the hardest relationship to sustain.

Of all of the people we knew getting married around the same time, it's us and one other couple who are still married. Everyone else is long since divorced and have not one nice thing to say about each other. Matt and I came damn close in 2007 and honestly, the only thing that held us together was me learning I was pregnant with Jackson. I think if he hadn't been on his way, we would have gotten divorced and that would have been that. I like to think maybe that's why Jackson is so sweet, he had a bigger job in life and he didn't even know it.

But in eleven years, Matt and I have learned the following things through trial and error, and more counseling than we'd like to admit:

• In our own way, we are difficult to live with. 
• I have a tendency to be awful. Sometimes my sarcasm and joking around isn't well received by Matt, though it's never my intention to hurt his feelings. I hate to say it, but sometimes we're like Jon & Kate Gosselin. Truly. People rip that couple to shreds, but I'm very much Kate- organized, controlling, bossy, demanding and Matt is very much like Jon- everything could be going to absolute shit and not a single crap is given. Which sends me over the edge because I don't always do well in chaos. 
• His indifference to life makes it hard for me to enjoy myself sometimes. 
• We aren't always a good team together. We are a couple that would only make it onto shows like The Amazing Race just because we would bring the drama factor, not because we had any chance at all at winning. 
• Sometimes I have to be submissive to Matt. Which was the HARDEST pill to swallow in counseling. It goes against everything in my body, everything I was raised to be. I was raised to be independent, to not depend on a man for anything. Which, to some extent, is still very much me. But on the other hand, I've come to recognize that Matt does so much better as a husband and father if I defer to him, even on dumb things. I have learned to include him on every decision, and I consult with him before I do things. Even if I know I'm 100% right (because I am, let's be real), giving him that input makes all the difference. And coincidentally, takes a load off my shoulders at the same time. Bonus. 
• I still struggle with trusting him, though it's been years since he's given me reason to not trust him. They same time heals all wounds but I can say with all honesty, I'm still waiting. But I've also come to realize that maybe it's OK for some wounds to still be there. 
• But the most important thing I have learned is that nobody else is responsible for my happiness. At my lowest low in our marriage came the understanding that if I wasn't happy, I had to do something about it. And I started doing things for myself. Taking better care of myself, bonding with my children, re-establishing my friendships I had let go to the wayside in lieu of making my marriage work, and working on my own self esteem. I consider myself a happy person, but not because of Matt. Matt is just one happy and good thing in my life, among so many. There is no thing as a knight in shining armor. No guy is going to come around and change your life and make it all rainbows. You have to do that for yourself, and if you're lucky, you'll have someone you call a partner in life that gets to see you at your best. 
• And on the other side of the coin, no person is responsible for your unhappiness. It's not your husband, or your wife's, fault that you hate your life. That you aren't as happy as you know you could be. You're unhappy because you choose to be. You're relying on someone else to carry your emotional weight in this world and that's nobody's job but yours. Own it. 
• It helps to be absolutely stubborn and refuse to quit. There will always be times where you think you've had enough and maybe the grass actually is greener out there. And it might be. It absolutely could be better with someone else. But then we remember the vows we said, for better or worse, good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer.... and then realize we're in it for the long haul. And we're only human. We make mistakes. It's a life long learning process and I know he'll be there to help me along when I need it, just as I'm there to help him along when he needs it.

Love you, babe. Maybe someday we'll get to vacation without the kids again. xoxo

A whole stinking DECADE!

You guys, today? Today is kind of a big deal. It's a milestone that for awhile there, I didn't think we were going to get to but by god, we did.

As of 2 p.m. this afternoon, we will officially have been married for a whole ten years.

 And we're still as cute as we were all the way,

back then. I mean, look how stinking young we looked. Sometimes I look back at these pictures and just think how much we didn't know. There was so much heading our way that most couples would have tossed the towel in and gave up. And lots did. Of all of the people we know who got married the same year we did, only one couple remains other than us. Out of a lot.

We certainly haven't had it easy and we totally had no idea what we were doing. Honestly, it feels like old hat to us now but things are bound to come our way again and we'll have to figure out a new way to be. I'm sure of it.

Had someone told me on my wedding day how incredibly difficult it is to be married and how hard you'd have to work every day for it, I would have called them a liar. It was so free and easy when we started but man- life is hard. Life is hard all on your own, and it's harder when you have a partner because you have to keep growing, but try to grow at the same speed as them so you're always a cohesive team. Nobody can sprint ahead of the other. When one lags, you've got to give up what you're doing and help them out.

That's before you even add kids to the mix. It is exponentially harder once you do that. Nothing is ever easy with kids and man, I could have not picked a better dad than Matt. I really couldn't. He is tremendous. Sure, he gets cranky and he's usually always grouchy, but he's the guy that deals with unpleasant things like bodily fluids, broken toys, and outdoor experiences.

Here are some fun things we've dealt with in our first ten years of marriage:

• Buying our first house! Man, it was a total dump when we bought it but we were really sad to leave it. 
• Despite the fact we tackled a lot of home improvement projects from hell. 
• We had a baby! Baby Olivia gave us our first really tough year. Who knew babies were so stressful?
• I had post-partum depression and it was awful. Matt was really great and honestly, without him I maybe wouldn't have made it. 
• He lost his job, we struggle with depression, we have marital issues, we enter marriage counseling. And cry a whole bunch. 
• We're super broke but having another baby!
• We have Baby Jackson and all feels right in the world. He's even cute so that's an added bonus. 
• No choice but bankruptcy. Dark year in the Strand house. 
• We have pets that are all mentally deficient. Matt volunteers to assist our poor cat in heat. Does not hit her g-spot and it became a really awful few months with lots of cat moaning. 
• Matt gets fabulous new job. We hardly see him, but he loves it and that's worth the world. 
• I quit my job. Last two weeks as a stay at home mom and get new job. 
• Kids start school, we are grossly overwhelmed. 
• Matt and I learn how to give enemas and do poop flush outs. We're slightly ashamed this is what our lives have come to. These are our glory years. 
• We take many family trips, two which include airlines. I hope the kids don't remember them as traumatic experiences like I do. 
• We decided to move. It was scary. 
• But then we moved and it was awesome!
• Then Sara commits Matt to being a dog owner. He reluctantly agrees and as it turns out, Twinky prefers Matt to any of us. Matt hates this, yet reluctantly and begrudgingly walks the damn dog every night no matter the weather. 
• We suffer the loss of baby #3. But Matt's still awesome and great. 
• ??

Who even knows what's next for us. That's a really brief list of some highlights. It's kind of crazy to think back and remember all of the good, and the bad, and think- we made it. 

I remember times where I was so sad and depressed that I thought we weren't ever going to get through it. We might, but it'll never be the same and I didn't know if as a couple, we could handle that. And I was right, we aren't the same. We aren't even close to how we were when we first got married. I'm not in love with Matt anymore. That faded away long ago, as it does. But I love him far more than I ever could have in the beginning. I have a far better appreciation for him as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a person. Matt is easily, the hardest working person I have ever met in my life. He's never afraid to learn something new, he's never afraid to try a new experience. He is willing to do pretty much anything I sign us up for or put on the table. When things get really awful, I know that he would drop whatever he was doing to help me. I used to wonder if he actually loved me, but I don't anymore. As I've gotten older I've learned that just because he isn't a very emotive kind of guy, he shows me in other ways. 

This is the guy who will get out of bed at midnight to get me a shake if I want it. He'll run and get me nachos from random bars, movie theater popcorn, he'll leave work to bring me lunch or shovel me out at work. If one of the animals leaves a gross mess on the floor, he'll leave work to come clean it up because I can't do it without vomiting everywhere as well. He takes on the home improvement projects I spring on him at the very last minute and goes with it. 

He's a really great guy overall. He just is. And I love him a whole lot. Plus, he's still really hot especially when he is working on the house and has the tool belt on.... anyways. I'm really lucky to have Matt. I can't see myself without him. Even in the worst of times, I can't imagine a life without him with me. He's my rock when I need him to be and that is better than butterflies when I see him. I don't have that any more, but it feels different. It's like my other half is there and all is right again. I wish people knew that it does get better. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, it's harder than parenting sometimes. But the spot Matt and I are in now? I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Almost ten.

It's been awhile since I've reported anything on the marriage front. Someone recently emailed me and asked how things were because I haven't mentioned Matt. You'll all be pleased to know he's alive and well, albeit he does have a cold and he's trying to convince me he is on the verge of dying from it.

What is pretty cool is that in June we will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. I know, ten. It's kind of a big deal. Of all of the people we know who were married around the same time we were, only a few remain married to the same person still. Most checked out around year five or less. We've come close but we keep trudging along things surely the best years are to come.

I will say, hands down, the worst years of a marriage are the first five. I look back on those years for us and I totally understand why people throw the towel in and say just to hell with it already. Those first five years brought the purchase of our first home, the birth of two children, infidelity, job loss, marriage counseling, bankruptcy, mental illness struggles, post-partum depression, family health issues, and another job shake up. When I look back on all of that I wonder, why not? Most of that was not what I had signed up for and I certainly didn't think we'd encounter it but we did. We did because we got lazy.

You may not believe it, but at heart, I'm a lazy person. I have great intentions, I do. But by the end of the day, I am exhausted. I'm sick of mothering, I'm sick of working, I'm sick of cleaning, I'm sick of hearing myself breathe- it's hard for me to give anything else to Matt when I feel like I've got nothing. Not to mention there are times where he makes me so angry I could literally rip my own hair out. I don't fully understand how his mind works and I don't know why after all of this time he doesn't just start the god damn dinner when he knows full well what we're having, instead he just sits there and plays stupid while I'm running around like a lunatic doing seven things at once. Then he wonders why I'm angry.

It's that kind of thing that I'm not sure I'm ever going to understand and it's sometimes hard to reconcile that.

But at the end of the day, he's alright. He's a good guy. He means well and I have to say that in my head a lot because he does try. He will always drop what he's doing and go to the movie theater to get me popcorn just because I want some. He cleans up puke and never makes me feel bad about it as I gag in a different room. He doesn't blink an eye when I need time away from everyone, he is a good sport, he puts up with my humor, he will leave work to bring me lunch if I'm too lazy to get it myself, he does a lot of great things.

Let us not forget how super awesome I am as a wife, either. I mean, I could list the reasons but you'd grow bored and nobody has time for that kind of list. We just know I'm super great and wonderful.

So with our anniversary coming up, I want to do something kind of great to celebrate. Preferably without kids, something fairly inexpensive because I have surgery the week after our anniversary and we are super broke right now, but something kind of awesome and romantic. My hope was to surprise a trip to Key West for him, but since our entire tax refund has gone to medical bills, that's shot. Unless I win the lottery, then it's still an option. I'm just out of ideas. It's hard to plan something awesome for a guy who really only likes to do nothing except watch woodworking shows or Antiques Roadshow. I mean, neither of those scream "super awesome fun times" for me, so that's out. I've got to think of something.

These are from when we first started dating. We both graduated college together, at that point we had been dating five months. The first picture was in the first month we were dating. Look at how skinny I was. And how stinking young we looked. BABIES, I tell you. Aw, those were the days where I always had money to get my hair done and eyebrows waxed, shopped at Pac Sun & Deb, and had seven colors of Adidas shoes. Matt blew his entire paycheck on rent, computer parts and beer.

Those were the days. :)

Nine.

On this day, nine years ago, I was walking down the aisle absolutely excited but at the same time terrified. I had no idea if getting married was what I should be doing but at that point, it was kind of the wrong thing to not get married. Money had been spent, people had arrived and I had to just chalk all of my doubt aside to jitters and bite the bullet.

So I did. Thankfully.

And what an adventure it's been.

We've seen good times- house buying, babies, anniversaries, lots of firsts. We've had some bad times too, no doubt. But no matter how bad things have gotten, no matter how many times I have cried to sleep, wanted to give up and move on, I'm glad I didn't. Because when I think about all of the things that will come our way in the future, good and bad, there is nobody else I would want by my side to get through it.

Sure, Matt drives me crazy. He is terrible at decision making. He's a poor organizer, project manager, financial manager, and he had bad habits. He watches too many stupid shows, he's not social, he strongly dislikes doing fun things out in the world and he isn't adventurous.

Basically, we are polar opposites. I don't even joke when I say I have no idea how we thought we were a good match because on paper, we aren't. His shortcomings turned out to be where I excelled. So I guess in that regard... we're a match.

But he knows when to shut up. He knows when to let me be crazy and when to reel me in. He is a really fantastic dad (even if he yells too much). He is a hard worker and a really great provider for our family. He takes his role as dad and husband very seriously. He isn't romantic at all and is terrible at being spontaneous with lovey gestures but when he does make an effort, I always appreciate it. He lets me sleep in when I give him the "Oh hell no jerk- I wake up with these heathens every day, it's your turn" look and doesn't think twice. He knows when I need a break and he has never once complained when I have exercised my right to leave before I lose it. He supports every decision I've wanted to make, good or bad, and never made me feel bad when things didn't go as planned. He lets me be the social butterfly I want to be, even if it means I have to find friends to go with me. (Secretly? I think he's grateful for my friends so he's not having to do all of this stuff.)

Through it all, good and bad, it's been us. At the end of the day, it's always us. Matt is my go-to person for everything. I can't imagine not having him here just to listen to me say outrageously crazy and stupid stuff and he just loves me for it. I really am a difficult person to live with and certainly to be married to, but he does it and I love him for it. I love that no matter how things are, neither of us want to give up and get divorced. We just keep plugging. Even through the worst of everything, I just knew that we'd be an old married couple someday. We'll be that grouchy couple bitching about each other while holding hands. That's just how we roll.

So Matt? Thanks. Thanks for being a good guy more than a jerk guy, thanks for dealing with my crazy and outrageous, almost always last minute demands, thanks for rolling with the punches when I surprise you with things at the last minute, thank you for getting up in the middle of the night when the kids were babies because you knew I was a total bitch when I don't get enough sleep, thank you for giving me freedom to have a night out so I don't become an angry housewife, thank you for being a really great dad and a really great husband. Thank you for how hard you work every day, every week just so our family can have what we have and do what we do. We don't take you for granted, we love you every day. Especially me. And you're still a hot stud just like when we met.

Airport picture before we left for our honeymoon in Madeira Beach, Florida 

8 years of bliss. Sometimes.

So today is my eighth wedding anniversary. It's also the eighth year in a row Matt has rejoiced that he has made it another year to sit and bask in my awesome and everyone should only be so lucky.

You guys know that I am nothing but honest but sometimes I wonder if I knew then what I know now.. would I still have gotten married? The answer really is yes.

In the course of our eight years we have had to deal with two kids, buying a home, being flat ass fucking broke, Matt losing his job, mental health issues, infidelity, my post-partum depression, bankruptcy, having to start all over from scratch, health scares, job problems, and so much more not even in that order. To have all of that and more in either years on one couple is a lot. And I mean a lot. Not to mention it is really hard to learn how to be a good wife and a good mother all while keeping your identity as a person and not losing yourself. Nobody ever talks about that part of adulthood and that's where I think a lot of people go wrong- they lose themselves and then blame the spouse when really, it's your own fault and I was guilty of that.

There have been points in our marriage where I have really questioned us staying together, maybe we should just get divorced, sometimes I've felt like I'm the only one trying to make things work, and the spark is hardly ever there, and I often wonder maybe there is something better out there. We truly are absolute opposites as people. I'm outgoing, fun, social and he is not. He is one of the most anti-social, un-fun people I know. And I'm not even saying that as a put down, it's just a fact. He really doesn't like other people and when I get him to join me with other people I am always on edge he'll come off as a jerk because he's not a jerk, he's just not great at social interaction. So it's probably one of the reasons he and I work- I over compensate for him.

But no matter how bad things have gotten or how low I have ever felt, divorce just isn't an option. And I'll tell you why.

Because I know deep down? We are a good couple. He really is the ying to my yang, the macaroni to my cheese, the tampon to my vagina, he is the only other person that could take the amount of shit I dish to him with such a calm attitude. He is a lot of things and lacks in a lot of areas but I am no walk in the park either. This may be shocking, I know, but I can be a handful. I'm moody, bossy, bitchy, sassy, overly organized, controlling, my OCD is enough to turn anyone into an alcoholic, I'm demanding, inquisitive, adventurous, and I have a hard time making up my mind when faced with choices. I'm difficult, peeps.

And Matt handles it with grace. He really does. Sure, he pisses me off and I sometimes give him the side eye with an unsaid warning to stay in line while we watch shows about wives murdering their husbands and I'm only half joking, but I'm lucky. I'm lucky that he's an awesome dad, he's a great provider, he puts up with my shit and my baggage, he lets me go to concerts and fun things with my friends, he gives me all of the room I need to not go postal on the family.

When I said my wedding vows I really meant them. Every issue we have ever had has fallen into the better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. Every single one of them. I get kind of annoyed when people who have lesser issues than we have call it quits and throw in the towel because if Matt and I can bounce back? Anybody else can. Because not only do we love each other? We value each other in each of our lives. No matter what Matt will always be a part of my life even if he walked away tomorrow and I know I would be in his. Though we'll never do that. We somehow make it another year every year and I don't take that for granted.

We know first hand that marriage is work. It is hard work. After all of this time I have learned that I can't change him and that means that he will never be romantic. He wasn't before and he won't just suddenly learn it. He is a terrible communicator and he isn't going to turn into someone who can express his feelings. He may not work on our relationship the way I think he should but he does it in his own ways, like when he randomly does dishes. Sure, he might do a terrible job but that's his way of helping me out and saying he knows I am frazzled. I've finally learned to appreciate the things he does do instead of focus on the things I wish he did better. And that makes me sad for all of those people who got divorced too soon and never got to that point, because this is kind of a good spot to be in. I feel like I actually found my niche in life and I didn't think I would ever get here.

So happy eight years baby cakes. I still look at you and am secretly thrilled you picked me out of all the girls trying to get your number. That of the girls you dated I'm the one you thought would make a great baby mama and wife. xo

Ten. (The one where I get mushy.)

So today is Friday the 13th but it is also the ten year anniversary of Matt and I's first date. Back then, I was fresh off of a break up from my first serious boyfriend and then my regretful rebound. I was working two jobs, full time in college, feeling kind of lost in life, and leery about getting into another relationship.

Matt was single, he had a job, he was going to college, and he worked with my mom at a local hardware store. So I knew who he was, but I didn't really know him.

My mom had been saying for months that I should go out with Matt, he was a nice kid who wasn't... well he wasn't like my first boyfriend. Which, by the way, I was engaged to when I was 17. Probably not the smartest decision, but I eventually got stuff turned around for me.

But Matt asked me out to a movie or something, and so on what I am pretty sure was Sunday, January 13, 2002 he picked me up at my house. We went to the movie rental store and got two movies, Pearl Harbor and The Fast and the Furious. I hated Pearl Harbor and cannot tell you what happened? I do know it was impossibly long. I also know that the house Matt was sharing with two other guys was freezing. To the point where you had to wear your winter jacket inside.

We completely hit it off and things went fairly fast. I knew right away that he was a good guy and that this was going to be long term. We moved into our first apartment in July, we got engaged in October, and were married in 2004, a little over two years after our first date.

Never did I imagine that we'd get married, have babies, make a home, and have such a great life. I'm glad that we've been able to weather the obstacles that have come our way. I'm glad I have such an awesome guy to call my husband.

So here's to our ten years and all that we have in front of us.