Losing your identity and sanity

It's no secret that marriage and parenthood are hard even under the best circumstances. I've never pretended that I had it all together or that things were easy, but I do try to put on the happy face because that's what we're expected to do. No newlywed or soon to be parent wants to hear that things are going to get tough. And, at some point, we kind of forget about all of the hard days later on down the road but it doesn't mean those hard days don't exist.

They very much do.

Right now I'm struggling and it's hard to really put into words what's bothering me. Currently, I am doing the stay at home mom thing. I won't lie and tell you it's grand because most days I would very much disagree. I love my time with Penelope but I find myself getting dumber every day. I'm getting angry when there's no reason to be angry. I'm frustrated and tired.

Matt is also working a ridiculous amount of hours at work. On one hand, it's nice because the extra money is always needed and especially heading into the holiday season and winter months, it gets tough. On the other, it really sucks because I don't get a break. He's worked almost 31 days in a row and while I appreciate that means he hasn't gotten a break either, I'm about ready to lose my mind. My argument is at least he gets to leave the house. I'm stuck here. I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything, I'm literally stuck in this house with three kids who demand every ounce of energy I've got.

And it's not that I hate it. It's just that I'm tired.

I haven't slept well in months. My back is killing me because Penelope is damn near twenty pounds. I'm constantly freezing because I'm trying to not turn the heat on too much and hopefully that'll save some money. I often forget to eat or don't end up having time to eat. I'm overwhelmed with PTO stuff. Just when I think things are in a groove, I get parents emailing me telling me what a crap job I'm doing. I think people are annoyed with me when I can't just get up and run an errand, but don't realize that I've got a VERY small window each day that I can run errands that are in between Penelope's nap time so it really limits what I can do and where I can go.

I've tried telling Matt I need help and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. He did a load of laundry and then went to work. I'm not ashamed to tell you I cried in the bathroom while Penelope cried in her crib and Olivia and Jackson argued over who gets to use the Kinetic Sand castle shaper first. And I'm just feeling like I am barely treading water. I'm starting to just not give a damn about anything.

Sunday was especially bad and I'm not too ashamed to say I spent what little I had on my credit card to get Santa pictures of the kids, get their Christmas concert outfits and a top to wear for our family pictures coming up. Which is absurd because to think Matt will even get off of work in time to go is nuts. I'm at the point where it feels like he'd give his left arm for his job and the rest of us can just suck it. This is the downside of being that dedicated employee, you get treated like shit but he apparently likes it. He doesn't even see that people say no because they know he'll pick up the slack.

I can't even fault him for that because honestly, that's what it feels like with some of the things I'm involved with. I don't know what it's like to have actual time for myself anymore. I love when people say, "Oh, I can't help out because my kids have *insert activity* tonight and I've got to sit there." Oh, nice. I don't know what that's like. I have to drop my kids off and hope someone can get them in case I can't get there on time to pick them up. I'm expected to just make time and rearrange my schedule because you know, it's just my life, no biggie. It makes me feel resentful and used, honestly.

But through it all, I feel like I'm slowly going back to that place I was at in 2008 where I had no idea who I was anymore. I gave and gave until I had nothing left and I was in, probably the worst depression valley I have ever been in. And I can't even get on medication to fix it because let's be honest, I can take all of the pills in the world but if things in my environment don't change, nothing gets better. It's hard to just get out of bed anymore.

I mean, it's just the American Dream, right? Welcome to marriage and motherhood, I guess.

Battle of the Books: Ramona Quimby, Age 8

I am almost embarrassed to admit how incredibly slow I am at working through my Battle of the Books list. Being sick really threw me for a loop, but we're back at it. It's pretty bad when my 10 year old has read more than I have!

If you want to follow along, check out my Battle of the Books post and read with us! If you happen to be homeschooling a fourth or fifth grader, it's a fun little reading activity to do with them as well.

Ramona Quimby, Age 8 - Beverly Cleary

Mr. Quimby's going to college, Mrs. Quimby's going to work. Now that Ramona is eight, she can go to a new school with a new teacher and ride the bus all by herself. But after school she has to stay with Grandmother Kemp and be nice to that bratty little Willa Jean until Beezus (who's tempermental enough to ruin anyone's day)comes to take her home. Life isn't as easy for Ramona as it used to be. All the Quimbys have to adjust, and Ramona gets her chance to prove that she's "big enough for her family to depend on."

When I was little, I really connected with Ramona because I kind of understood her. I wanted to do this perfectly, just like she did. Unlike her, I was the oldest and my brother was two years younger than me, but I really understood Ramona's role in the family. My mom was a single mom for years and then she met my step dad but even still, we weren't well off and my mom worked a lot. In order for her to work that much, it was understood that we really had to be good for our uncles (who babysat us) and we were expected to take care of things because my mom didn't have time to do them. A lot of sacrifices were made with the understanding that that was just how it was going to be. It's not fun, but there wasn't another choice. 

In this book Ramona has had to move to a new school (totally could relate, I had gone to six different schools from Kindergarten through graduation) and she struggles with fitting in at school and then having to deal with an annoying toddler after school. She really dislikes going to Grandmother Kemp's house after school, but as she's reminded time and time again, she just has to be good and get along with Willa Jean because her parents need her to continue going there so they can work and go to school. The family struggles financially, and Ramona worries if she's doing good enough so she doesn't add stress to her parents. She silently struggles with a mean boy at school and worries her teacher thinks she's a nuisance. It's everything an eight year old struggles with as they learn how to get about in the world.

I loved it as a kid, and I loved it again as an adult. Even though, as an adult, I find Ramona to be kind of annoying. She's a watered down version of modern day Junie B. Jones (which I cannot stand, there- I said it). The book itself was a fast read (for me) and it comes in at just under 200 pages. It's a great chapter book for kids third-fifth grade ideally, maybe even a few advanced second graders. The concepts are easy to follow and the story structure itself is easy to read. Honestly, every eight year old girl should get this for her birthday. It's like a rite of passage, really. 

The next book I'm reading for Battle is The Witch of Blackbird Pond, which I said I would read before this but Olivia borrowed this from the public library and I had to get it back by Saturday. I remember reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond in fourth grade, so we'll see how much of the story I remember! Don't forget to follow me on Bloglovin' if you want to stay current with my Battle of the Books journey, as well as my other book reviews! 

Crafty Saturday: Christmas edition

Hello, lambs!

I've been super busy cranking out Christmas cards for my Etsy shop and I have even more in the works right now! Here are some of my listings from this week:

 Bright Snowman - set of 6

I've had this stamp set for awhile and I always forget to use it.  The set is from Stampin' Up and called "It's Snow Time", and comes with 12 stamps. Very versatile, I plan on using this for a few more cards. I know I used this stamp combo a few years ago for our family cards but had sparkly brads to go in the snowballs. What a complete pain in the rear that was. And it ended up costing extra to mail, so probably not going that route again!

 Baby Rudolph - set of 8

I actually got this stamp in my stocking one year, it's just a random single stamp but it's easily one of my favorites. I had a few red gems laying around so I thought I'd add it to the card for a little extra. AND I finally found my blender pens, so I've been playing with those, and shaded his little scarf in with them. I forgot how much I love my little blender pens. The reindeer itself is heat embossed so he has a little shine to him.

Snowflake Dozen

I forgot I had made these this summer after I found a bunch of pieces I had cut out last year and ran out of time to make them! But again, a stamp set from Stampin' Up, but this time the middle snowflake has a little gem in the middle.

 Ornament Dozen

Another set I had basically cut and stamped, but I just hadn't assembled. I wish I had more of that ribbon but alas, that's it. I can't even find it at Michaels or Hobby Lobby, so maybe it's vintage now. HA!

Jumping Reindeer - set of 6

Easily my favorite reindeer stamp. If I had a pet reindeer, I would bet he'd frequently have things tangled in his antlers. But this is actually blank on the inside, so they would work perfectly for thank you cards (because you need to send thank you's for Christmas gifts and for being invited to holiday parties, don't be rude) but you can also use them as emergency Christmas cards. We all send our cards out, then get one from a random person and think- maybe I should send them a card... This set is perfect for that. Also, if you have work exchanges or Secret Santa gatherings, this would be a cute little set to include with your gift! 

Remember to follow me on Bloglovin, Pin/Tweet/Share! As an added thank you, use the code "SARASBLOG" in my Etsy shop for an extra 10% off your order! If you live in Superior, WI, you can use code "FREESHIPSUPERIOR" and I will hand deliver your items and save you the shipping cost. My shop now accepts Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, along with PayPal. Lots of different options for your convenience! 

Owl Crate Spooky Box!

Of all of the book subscription boxes I'm in on (three, no shame lambs, no shame), this is maybe my favorite?

The theme for October was "Spooky" and it had all kinds of fun things!

First and foremost, we got A Madness So Discreet  by Mindy McGinnis. My inner nerd loves that the books come wrapped in plastic. I don't know why I love that, but I do. The book is getting amazing reviews and I had been eyeing it up so I'm happy to have gotten it. The quick and dirty is that it's about insane asylums. Along with it, we got a letter from the author about the book and a mini poster.

Also, we got some sugar skull erasers, not sure what I'm doing with those but they look pretty. The only weird "why do I want this" item was scented beads with a vampire scent. It's from Adventure Scents and I'm not a fan of scenty things gifted to me because I'm pretty sensitive and weird things will trigger a migraine so these are going to someone else.

We also got an Edgar Allen Poe canvas bag. I'm actually going to use this in my purse to hold all of the chapsticks I feel I need. (Seriously, I probably have 12 in there right now).

Overall? Very cool little box. I'm so excited about the book- watch for a review on that one eventually!

After Alice

Honestly, sometimes when I read a book I feel so dumb that I wonder how I ever passed high school English classes. Then I thank god I never went to a four year college because it's books like this that make me think I wouldn't have done so hot.

After Alice - Gregory Maguire

From the multi-million-copy bestselling author of Wicked comes a magical new twist on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, published to coincide with the 150th anniversary of Lewis's Carroll's beloved classic

When Alice toppled down the rabbit-hole 150 years ago, she found a Wonderland as rife with inconsistent rules and abrasive egos as the world she left behind. But what of that world? How did 1860s Oxford react to Alice's disappearance?

In this brilliant new work of fiction, Gregory Maguire turns his dazzling imagination to the question of underworlds, undergrounds, underpinnings — and understandings old and new, offering an inventive spin on Carroll's enduring tale. Ada, a friend of Alice's mentioned briefly in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, is off to visit her friend, but arrives a moment too late — and tumbles down the rabbit hole herself. 

Ada brings to Wonderland her own imperfect apprehension of cause and effect as she embarks on an odyssey to find Alice and see her safely home from this surreal world below the world. If Euridyce can ever be returned to the arms of Orpheus, or Lazarus can be raised from the tomb, perhaps Alice can be returned to life. Either way, everything that happens next isAfter Alice.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I love a good re-telling of a classic story. Secondly, you would know that I never read the book Wicked and I saw 30 minutes of the play someone had recorded and I thought it was lame sauce so I didn't finish it. 

I know- it's practically a sin to admit that, but here I am, subjecting myself to the "what's wrong with you" comments. It's fine, I've practically heard them all by now. 

But when I saw this come up for review I immediately jumped on it because I absolutely loved Alice in Wonderland and everything about it. When I was little I had always kind of hoped maybe I would fall in a hole in a tree and go on an adventure but we didn't really have big trees where I lived, we had sewers and that didn't hold the same charm, you know? 

This isn't a re-telling really, it's more of a second story within a story. Something happening at the same time as the main story. We have Alice's friend Ada, who essentially follows Alice after she goes missing. Cue her own adventure "after Alice". The premise of this is perfect, it has the opportunity to be just as grand but in a more modern, more humorous kind of way. The only problem with this is that it falls so short of it because every sentence is filled with the worst words the author could have chosen to use. I have two friends who were reading this with me and I'll be honest, I was afraid to even tell them that I didn't get what the hell I was reading most of the time because I was sick of using the thesaurus app on my phone to look words up. Thankfully, one of them mentioned it first and suddenly I didn't feel like a 14 year old in a college literature class trying to follow along to The Odyssey. I wanted this to be light and fun but instead it was a little darker, and it required you to really think about what was happening and overall it had a somber feel to it. I really struggled to finish this and that was so disappointing for me. If you are a big Lewis Carroll fan and are looking for the next generation, keep looking- you won't find it in this book. If you are a big Gregory Maguire fan and really loved the book Wicked, you are going to absolute enjoy this with everything in you because it's so very similar. I don't think it's going to win any Lewis Carroll fans over but it's a steady followup to Wicked in style and writing. 

Follow Gregory Maguire on his website, and you can find After Alice available on Amazon! 

Bookworm Box: October

Well, The Bookworm Box took September off to pretty much get their shit together, but they came back in October. I just... I don't know how I feel about it.

Immediately, I noticed they switched their box. What's really weird is a lot of the book subscription companies talk about their box, like, "We have new boxes!!" and I'm over here wondering who actually cares? Because I don't care. So long as my stuff gets to me in one piece, I'm happy.

In the box this month I got:

two books, a gross candy bar, yet another chapstick, and a crap ton of bookmarks and stuff. Oh, and a pen. I can't knock the pen because I do like the pens. People keep stealing mine because they really are that good.

What is annoying is that the Jamie McGuire book is part of a series, and I don't have the others so now I have to get the others so I know what's going on. Equally annoying because you know how I feel about Jamie McGuire, so now I'm torn. The other book is a new-to-me author, Kathryn Perez, and that actually looks promising. I'm just really over all of the book marks. I have resorted to throwing them away because honestly, who needs all of this shit? As much as I hate to get rid of it, because the first two boxes were SO stellar and these last two have been kind of lame ass, I feel like I might have to bite the bullet. The concept of this box is tremendous- all of the contents are donated, proceeds are then given to charities. The execution of it and what you're getting for your monthly fee? Not really feeling worth it. I want to feel like I'm at least getting my money's worth and I'm just not. Whomp, whomp.

Life & Other Near Death Experiences and giveaway!!

Oh lambies, part of me thinks I should apologize because your reading lists are getting long but then the other part of me says READ FASTER because I can't help it. You need this in your life.

Life and Other Near-Death Experiences - Camille Pagan

Libby Miller has always been an unwavering optimist—but when her husband drops a bomb on their marriage the same day a doctor delivers devastating news, she realizes her rose-colored glasses have actually been blinding her.

With nothing left to lose, she abandons her life in Chicago for the clear waters and bright beaches of the Caribbean for what might be her last hurrah. Despite her new sunny locale, her plans go awry when she finds that she can’t quite outrun the past or bring herself to face an unknowable future. Every day of tropical bliss may be an invitation to disaster, but with her twin brother on her trail and a new relationship on the horizon, Libby is determined to forget about fate. Will she risk it all to live—and love—a little longer?

From critically acclaimed author Camille Pagán comes a hilarious and hopeful story about a woman choosing between a “perfect” life and actually living.

First up, you know how I feel about whiners, I really cannot stand them. I really loved Libby in the beginning, could not stand her for the entire middle chunk, then grew to like her again. And the fact that I kept with this despite really not liking her is a testament to the story as a whole. Because I have to tell you, if you have had a family member or close friend go through cancer and subsequent treatments, Libby's decision to not even try can be a bit frustrating. On one hand, you're totally getting it- she's doomed to die, who wants to suffer to the very end like that? On the other, you're like, good god- just GO to the doctor and find out what you're really dealing with. Never mind her doctor has terrible bedside manner, or that her husband dropped a terrible truth on her just hours after being told she has cancer. 

So she does what any of us wish we could do, she puts her house on the market, quits her job, and goes to the beach. She then meets a hunky beach guy after he almost kills her and she basically questions life and her motivations throughout life and questions the memories she has once she realizes her family has different memories of the same time. She really begins to question everything about her life, really. Ultimately, the book is about hope and perception. And the will to just help yourself because nobody will do it for you. Sometimes we have to be a grown up and do the hard stuff even when everything in us wants to crawl into a hole and die. 

Something in this book kind of struck me as it kind of relates to me personally. In the book we find that Libby has loved Tom with everything in her for as long as she knew him. He was basically the be-all, end-all for her and you want to hate him for what he hid from her. You do because we women stick together and if any one of our husbands told us that, we'd come together to slash his tires, bare minimum. But on page 56, there was a line that just hit me hard because it's exactly what I had on repeat in my head during some of my own personal marriage woes: 

"Paul was right: we were too young to be making such a major life decision. And while I may have been too foolish to know better, somewhere in his soul, Tom must have-he just must have-known he would one day betray me with his truth, and yet  he went and married me anyway. I'll be honest: when I thought about this, I literally wanted to kill him, in the  most grammatically accurate rendition of the phrase."

Gut punch if there ever was one. Another great thought from the book that life really is a near-death experience. In the end, I really enjoyed this book. I found it hard to put down, I found myself rooting for Libby even when I thought she was being a giant baby, and I loved the humor and optimism. It's a really great book and a full story (and range of emotions) in just 233 pages. This would make a GREAT Christmas gift for any friend. You can pick up this great book on Amazon, but in the meantime you can catch up with Camille Pagan on Twitter and her website. 

Lucky for you, I can give away one copy of Life and Other Near-Death Experiences (US/Canada only)! All you have to do is: 

• Leave a comment telling me what your favorite recent read is.
• Make sure to leave your email address so I can contact you! 
• Follow me on Bloglovin'!

Winner will be drawn on Friday, November 13!