Keep swimming. I'm supposed to keep swimming, right?

I know when I last wrote a legit blog post last week I left it kind of on a dark, sad, depressing note. I wish I could tell you things have turned around but I'm a pretty terrible liar so I won't insult you doing that.

Things are really tough. It feels like it comes and goes like waves. Some days I feel really great, I feel like things are really turning around, that maybe it was all just a weird phase and I'm on the road to feeling normal. Everything is good, Penelope is awesome, Matt and I are doing awesome, Olivia and Jackson are being amazing, the pets aren't puking, all is right in the world.

Then there are other days where I know, from the moment I wake up, that it's going to be a bad day. I can't tell anymore if everything is actually bad and awful, if I'm making things be bad and awful with  how I feel, or if it isn't bad or awful and I'm seeing things in the wrong lens. I'm not even sure anymore if the things I see happening are really happening, if I'm exaggerating them, or if I'm losing my mind all together.

I sat down with Matt, twice now, and really laid it all out on the table for him. Everything I feel, everything that I perceive to be real and happening, and I basically just get a blank stare. The logical portion of my brain is telling me his lack of response is not because he doesn't care but because he really has no idea what he should or could be doing. Matt is that person who has zero ability to make anyone feel better because he has no concept of what empathy or sympathy is. None. That's a post for another day, but it leaves me feeling guilty for burdening him with this. It's like telling someone your deepest, darkest, scariest secret and that person can't do a damn thing about it, but they know about it, so it eats away at them, too.

I've reached out to some friends and they are legit worried. I don't want people to be scared, I really don't. I am not a danger to myself or my kids, or even Matt. I really am not. What I am is sad. I'm sad and I feel this crushing cloud of depression over me and I can't get out from under it. I want to, but I'm stuck.

And this is where I have to say how fucking lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I'm not kidding. Earlier this month I got a box of cookies in the mail from a high school friend who thought it would cheer me up because I had mentioned how I didn't have it in me to bake over the holidays. I was so grateful to know that someone is paying attention to me, and in that small moment I didn't feel like I was doing it by myself, if that makes any sense. I had one friend bring us pizza for dinner two weeks ago. This weekend I had a friend bring me pickles and Twix candy bars. I think everyone is really scared at what has happened to me and I want to reassure everyone I'll be OK but some days I just don't know if that's true and again, I'm a terrible liar and I don't think it would be very reassuring.

But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to be normal and good. I'm eating really well, I'm getting outside even if it's just to walk up and down my sidewalk a few times, I'm doing some light exercise because the thought of anything more makes me unexpectedly emotional. I see my doctor on Friday and she already called me with some medication options, none of which ever worked for me even in the highest doses in the past, so I have this fear she's going to tell me I have no options.

As my one friend said, I'm trying to find rational ways to make my depression a non-issue. I'm trying to find the source of it so I can fix it, and make it all go away. It's like I cannot accept that I have something mentally wrong with me. And god help me, if I hear, "you're a strong person, one of the strongest I know- you'll get through this" one more fucking time, I might punch someone.

The Ex

I have posts for you, hopefully later this week. Things haven't been good, and I'm just trying to stay afloat. Since I can't sleep at night, I've been reading every night and this one was a fabulous page turner!

The Ex - Alafair Burke

Twenty years ago she ruined his life.

Now she has the chance to save it.

Olivia Randall is one of New York City’s best criminal defense lawyers. When she hears that her former fiancé, Jack Harris, has been arrested for a triple homicide—and that one of the victims was connected to his wife’s murder three years earlier—there is no doubt in her mind as to his innocence. The only question is, who would go to such great lengths to frame him—and why?

For Olivia, representing Jack is a way to make up for past regrets and absolve herself of guilt from a tragic decision, a secret she has held for twenty years. But as the evidence against him mounts, she is forced to confront her doubts. The man she knew could not have done this. But what if she never really knew him?

OK, so I know I'm not alone when I tell you that I was riveted by the Netflix series Making a Murderer, and this is such a great choice for reading material that will give you a similar feel. I read one of Alafair's earlier books that I wasn't totally thrilled with, it felt like it wasn't as good of a web as I thought she could do. Fortunately this book more than makes up for that- she hit it out of the ballpark and I wasn't able to put this book down. Fun fact: I can go to the bathroom without stopping my reading. That's how great of a multi-tasker I am.

So the story centers around Olivia who is a New York City defense attorney. Her personal life has kind of been in a tail spin since her breakup with Jack twenty years ago that resulted in him losing his mind completely, his brother's death, and her guilt. Fast forward and life turns around for Jack until his wife is gunned down with several others in Penn Station, victims of a random shooting, and Jack finds himself single parenting their daughter Buckley. All is well until Jack is arrested for the shooting of three people in the middle of the day, with ties to the assailant who killed his wife.

From there, Olivia finds herself as Jack's defense lawyer and while her gut instinct is telling her that there is no way the Jack she knew would do this, she is cognizant to realize it has been twenty something years, what if he isn't the same Jack? What if the trauma she inflicted him changed him to the core and she doesn't know who he is or what he's even capable of anymore?

I kept flipping back and forth on whether I thought Jack was guilty or not. When you find out what REALLY happened, you are pretty much blown away. I kind of suspected it just for a bit but I quickly dismissed it because no way, and how mentally calculating it would have been to get all of the dots to line up just right in order for this person to go free? Holy moly.

Such a great book, and it comes in around 320 pages which sounds hefty, but I promise you that you will fly through it. And when you do, let's discuss it because wow- such a great ending. HUGE improvement from the first book of Alafair Burke's that I've read and I am excited to see what she does next!

You can order your copy of The Ex on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. If you want to keep up to date with Alafair Burke, you can find her on her website, Facebook, and Twitter!

Then there were four. Or six, depending on your view.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you knew this post was coming. I could have posted about it last week but I'm nothing if not honest, and I'll tell you- things have been rough. Let me back track a bit.

Way back in 2010 I had posted about not knowing what it felt like to be "done" with babies. (Go back and read it. As a bonus, you get to see pictures of when my big kids were just tiny!) I knew I wasn't done, I never had that finished feeling all of my friends had gotten. When I was pregnant with Penelope, I toyed with the idea of another. I had a hard pregnancy at some points but I knew the greater good would outweigh all of that. I could do anything for a healthy baby, none of the pain, exhaustion, uncomfortable nights, or stress would mean anything once I held that sweet babe in my arms.

And it was so true.

I don't think I had ever felt like I did in that moment. Sure, she was my third baby and I was a seasoned pro at this mommyhood thing. But this baby... there was something special about her. Even after I had her, I thought, I could do this again.

But as time went on, I felt done. It was a slow realization that I was going to be done and I was totally OK with that. Finally, after all of these years I finally had the feeling I knew I should feel. Our family was full, we were complete. We weren't missing any pieces. I was taking all of the appropriate birth control precautions so that we would have no surprises.

I have struggled since Penelope's birth. I am now doing the stay at home mom thing and while that has it's own way of being fulfilling, I feel like I am getting dumber and dumber every day. I don't feel like I am contributing enough to the greater good of our family. I feel like I could, and should, be doing so much more. I feel like I'm giving my daughters mixed signals- that a woman's place is at home. I don't want my son to grow up thinking the woman takes care of everything. It's really a hard balance for me to find.

Add this to post partum depression. I had it really bad after Olivia and it took me a year to start to feel normal. I find that the longer I go with Penelope, the worse it's getting. I'm going backwards. I'm usually able to keep it together in front of people.

But in late November that has all changed.

December was hard.

So hard.

I should be happy. And I am not. And I hate that I am not. I know so many who would do just about anything to have a baby of their own. It makes me feel terrible and selfish.

But what I am right now is barely hanging on the edge.

I am barely keeping it together. I am crying every day, most of the time I don't even notice it until the kids ask me if I'm OK. I am having panic attacks when I need to leave the house, but I feel trapped in here. I don't sleep at night. I'm so exhausted and I lay there just on the edge of sleep but it never comes. Then I'm obviously so tired during the day I can barely function. I can't sleep because I have an eight month old baby to take care of but also because if I sleep during the day, I'm really screwed at night.

But the worst, the absolute worst?

The worst is this never ending, overwhelming, sadness. Being sad for no reason is maybe the worst feeling in the world. I feel alone and sad.

Matt has no idea what to do for me. My friends are trying and I just... I can't. I can't hang out, I don't want to talk, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to answer my door, I just want to cry. Alone. In bed.

Then I realize I have to hold it together because I need to get the kids to/from school. Penelope is fully dependent on me. I have pets to keep alive. I meals to make, a house to clean, and I have to really make an effort to shower.

On top of ALL of this, we're financially stressed out, maybe the worst it's ever been. And then.... I feel terrible physically. There is nothing in me that feels emotionally (obviously) or physically ready to grow a baby. I don't feel like I am doing a good job for this baby already. I talked to my doctor about an anti-depressant (obviously) just so I can get through the damn day. But I have this irrational fear I will take something and end up with a baby who has a birth defect or health problem. Then I'll feel like the worst mother in the world who couldn't just keep her shit together for the greater good of her baby.

I no longer feel like I am working with a full deck anymore. All of my volunteer positions are precarious- I feel like tossing my stuff at the groups and say screw it. Every time I have an obligation that forces me to leave the house, let alone put on real pants, I feel angry and anxious.

And yet. Here we are. Soon to be a family of six. I'm not ready. I am terrified. I am sad. I am anxious. I feel hopeful I will be happy soon. It all works out. Until then... here I am. Just trying to get through the day without crying the entire time.

Currently 10 weeks

Due: August 8

Into the Dark (First Force #3)

I am a huge fan of Cindy McDonald and this has been a really fun series to get into. I'm so fortunate that I got to review the third book in this series, I already can't wait for the fourth!

Into the Dark - Cindy McDonald

Ghosts from her past are chasing her! Four years ago Dr. Rayne Lee lost her husband and her four-year old daughter, Sierra, to a group of hostile guerrillas in the Amazonian Valley of Peru. It had taken every bit of her constitution to rebuild her life and to join her uncle's international security team, First Force, as the team's head medic. She still desperately missed her husband and her daughter, but all in all everything was back on track--until the phone calls started. A young girl was calling claiming to be Sierra. The tiny trembling voice said that the guerrillas were holding her captive, and there was only one way for them to be reunited--Rayne must travel to Peru and give them something that she has. Moreover, they had another stipulation: She must come alone. Suddenly the ghosts from Rayne's past are chasing her down a dark road. What could they possibly want from her? Could she return to the place where her family was murdered and she was brutalized for seven horrid months? Was it really Sierra calling? Rayne knew that she had to take the risk--she had to find out!

I'm going to hesitantly tell you that this is a stand alone book. You won't feel totally lost if you haven't read the previous two, but it certainly would help, because Rayne and Jack (this story) are first introduced to us in the first book, Into the Crossfire. So, if you can (and you really should because they are equally as good as this one), pick up that one as well as book two, To The Breaking Pointe.

With that said, THANK GOODNESS Rayne and Jack "finish" their story. Seriously. I had been rooting for them since book one and I thought maybe the first book would finish their story, but it obviously would have been too soon since Jack's wife dies in book one thus starting this series. We also get a glimpse of Rayne's backstory in book one, but this book really delves into it and we learn what happened to her husband and her daughter in the jungles of Peru. Which, it's not good (obviously), and Rayne finds herself in years of therapy.

One day, just as things are heating up with Jack and she's forming a real bond with his small daughter, she starts receiving these calls from a small girl claiming to be her long assumed daughter Sierra, who died brutally at the hands of Peruvian drug runners and lords. This obviously sends Rayne into regression and she doesn't know if she should tell Jack (or the rest of First Force) and seemingly talks herself into believing she heard the name wrong and it was a wrong number. But when she receives more calls and eventually a demand, she knows she has to act. She knows for certainty her daughter is dead but what if, and she couldn't live with herself unless she went.

It is obviously a trap for Rayne but she doesn't know that something has been hidden in her body during her subsequent capture (after her husband and daughter were killed) and that's what these smugglers are after. First Force is called in to assist but everything goes to shit almost immediately and it's up to Rayne to save herself and find out if her daughter Sierra really is alive.

If you are a fan of romance, military romance, and characters who are complex but written well, you will really enjoy this book. I really love how the author gives us an update on previous characters while giving you a solid story, and casually giving you a glimpse into the next possible set of characters without making the story feeling cluttered.

I encourage you to follow Cindy on Twitter and Facebook, and check out her webpage for updates on this series as well as her other books. Into the Dark went on sale on January 5, so you can pick that up now on Amazon now!

Owlcrate: Get Inspired Box

I know I'm late in posting this and I'm sorry. The fact that I even am getting around to it is a big deal. Like, I don't think I took pictures of my last Bookworm Box, so don't expect that post. Unless I saved them somewhere weird, but I don't think I did. *sigh*

I'll get it together eventually, folks.

But this month for Owlcrate the theme was "Get Inspired", which got me excited because if there is anything I need in my life right now, it's to be inspired to do anything.

So here's a quick peak of the box contents, and remember, this box costs $29.99 plus shipping and handling. The contents included:

• One of two reading journals from both Penguin and Chronicle Books. I don't know which company mine came from but it's a small notebook with elastic closure that will easily fit into my purse. My plan is to use it as books I want to read and take it with me when I go shopping and I can flip through the pages to see what I want to read. 
• A soy candle from Frostbeard Studio, along with a 15% off our first order. I didn't love the candle and actually gave it to someone else because it was a mix of coffee and chocolate. I pretty much hate coffee anything. The only scents I can really tolerate without getting a migraine are fruity, citrus scents and then cinnamon. Everything else is blech. 
• We got the COOLEST to-do list notepad from Boy Girl Party. I absolutely love writing out to-do lists and these have a reading octopus on them. Pretty awesome. 
• We also got a little magnet from Sandra Vargas, which is on my fridge. 

Here's a better picture of the reading journal and notepad. Super cute!

Then of course, the point of the box, is the book. The book this month is Da Vinci's Tiger by L.M. Elliott. The quick description reads as, "This historical fiction novel takes place during the Renaissance, and follows our heroine as she discovers a world of artists, philosophers, and other creatives. When she meets a young Leonardo da Vinci her life changes forever as she learns about her inner desires and creative voice." So, not something I would normally pick up, but I'll probably get to it later this spring, if we're being honest. I have a LOT of review books in my pile right now so it might be awhile until I get to this, but my sister in law is reading it so we'll see what she says about it. The book also came with it's own magnet set so you can make your own poetry. Which is also on the fridge and Olivia is mostly playing with.

Overall? I love this subscription box. I feel like for the $35 I pay after shipping and handling, I am getting my money's worth, easily. The theme for January is "Magic" and the teasers keep saying if you like Harry Potter, you are going to love this box so I am so excited for it!

The Past

I don't know if you follow me on Goodreads (let's be friends!) but my reading goal for 2016 is 100 books. For 2015 I had a goal of 110, but I only made it to 97. Sad face. That was the first year I hadn't reached my goal. But so far for 2016, I am on a roll and it's on the first week!

The Past - Tessa Hadley

Now, I'm going to start by telling you that I read Tessa's book Accidents in the Home and wasn't totally in love. It was alright, it wasn't anything that I felt like I should or had to recommend, it was just OK. But then I saw this book come up and the synopsis for it is pretty solid and I've had pretty good luck with other books that had a similar story line, all of them went very different routes so I was curious to see where Tessa Hadley would go with this. And I'm left feeling the same as I did with the other book, it's OK. It doesn't blow me away, it's not one that would make a top book list, and if I was staring at my shelf trying to recommend a book, it isn't one that would necessarily jump out to give to a friend. But it wasn't bad. It just didn't have the extra oomph I really wanted.

What we have is the story of a bunch of siblings, brought together in a childhood home "one last time" but they all have problems/issues with each other. The trip is obviously meant to maybe re-live the glory days but also, under the surface, some hope to resolve the family issues where some are desperate to continue ignoring them. All of the siblings are vastly different, and I'd venture to say if you put this hodge podge of folks together you wouldn't even really consider them to be a family since they have zero in common with each other. But then you also have the children (and pseudo step child, kind of) of these siblings who are observing the adults and basically coming up with their own conclusions of what's going on. We learn about a few family "secrets" that have prevented them from being close as adults.

The problem for me, is that there isn't really a plot in this book. It's just us learning about the family, none of which I really liked or cared about. I kept waiting for some big thing that made everything make sense- some big family transgression that basically exploded them into their own corners of the world, but you'll be disappointed because there isn't one. Well, I suppose you could say the second part of the book is maybe that, but it's not really enough to explain all of the drama and hurt between everyone.

I have a friend who is also reading this and she said I am an absolute idiot and she is loving this book. But she is also a big fan of Tessa Hadley so maybe I'm missing the boat. The boat has clearly left me on the wrong damn island. It's not a fast read, and it doesn't have anything really exciting in it, but if you really like to read about family dynamics and perhaps compare to your own, I will suggest this book to you. If you really want something more fast paced and action packed, maybe move to the next book on your to-read list. I will say, the nerd in me loves this cover and it is light years above the cover for it's first release. This is so much prettier!

You can find The Past on Amazon as well as Barnes & Noble.

A Madness So Discreet

I can't even remember what month I got this in my OwlCrate box, but I am so annoyed with myself that I didn't break into it right away. Absolutely stellar book.

A Madness So Discreet - Mindy McGinnis

Grace Mae knows madness.

She keeps it locked away, along with her voice, trapped deep inside a brilliant mind that cannot forget horrific family secrets. Those secrets, along with the bulge in her belly, land her in a Boston insane asylum.

When her voice returns in a burst of violence, Grace is banished to the dark cellars, where her mind is discovered by a visiting doctor who dabbles in the new study of criminal psychology. With her keen eyes and sharp memory, Grace will make the perfect assistant at crime scenes. Escaping from Boston to the safety of an ethical Ohio asylum, Grace finds friendship and hope, hints of a life she should have had. But gruesome nights bring Grace and the doctor into the circle of a killer who stalks young women. Grace, continuing to operate under the cloak of madness, must hunt a murderer while she confronts the demons in her own past.

In this beautifully twisted historical thriller, Mindy McGinnis, acclaimed author of Not a Drop to Drink and In a Handful of Dust, explores the fine line between sanity and insanity, good and evil—and the madness that exists in all of us.

The book takes place in 1890 in Boston, and we begin in an insane asylum. Quickly it's obvious that while some of the people in the asylum are there for legitimate mental illnesses, but most of them are there for things that are easily absurd. The story centers around Grace, who finds herself in the asylum, and we can infer from other people's observations about her that she comes from a seemingly wealthy family, and presumably one with a high social status because she's to be treated better (kind of) than other patients. Grace is also pregnant, which is what lands her in the asylum- to be pregnant out of wedlock with a bastard child in 1890 goes against every social and moral standard, so she's to spend her pregnancy locked up. Her baby already promised to a caregiver in Grace's ward, and her future uncertain.

Grace has taken to not speaking because the road that's she been on to get to this point is pretty horrible (which we find out more about who the father of her child is later on). There is a point in the story where, after being sexually propositioned basically, Grace loses it and stabs a man with a fork. That sends her to essentially one of the worst "treatments" I have ever read and the ending result of the treatment hardens Grace in a way that we all see coming but man... it's so hard to read. So hard.

Anyways.

So then she finds her non-compliant self down in what is basically a dungeon basement and she "meets" a pillar of support, Falsteed. Falsteed warns her of Dr. Thornhollow, who performs "procedures" on the worst, non compliant patients and it leaves them quiet and docile. Grace longs for this because she just wants to not remember her past, the traumas she's been through, and her losses. After meeting Dr. Thornhollow, she is interested in his work and he finds her interesting and peculiar and from there they hatch a plan to rescue Grace from her current asylum and she would assist him on his study of serial killers.

Fast forward and Grace finds herself in a much better asylum in Ohio, where she meets a group of friends who are kind to her and she finds this a much nicer living arrangement than in Boston. She goes on "adventures" with Dr. Thornhollow and they become friends though some suspect them of more. The second half of the book is like a beginning look at the study of serial killers, like profiling 101 if you will. We also learn about vengeance and how maybe the justice you want isn't always the best.

Some notes about the book:

• I want SO much to talk about the relationship between Grace and Dr. Thornhollow but everyone will think it's a spoiler but ugh... I want so much more. SO MUCH. 
• When Grace is in Ohio, she has a friend who is in the asylum because she suffers from small pox. It had been awhile since I looked up small pox and holy hell- don't do it, friends. DON'T DO IT. Especially during lunch. 
• One of my favorite passages in this book which made me burst out laughing is on page 201 and reads, "Grace's throat itched to join them, but it was not only subterfuge that kept her mouth firmly shut. Emotions had welled close to the surface, and she thought her heart had never felt so full as it did standing next to the defiled grave of a whore while lunatics sang the national anthem." Just the visual of this? I felt like I shouldn't laugh but I really couldn't help it. 

Overall? This book is absolutely stunning. It's a beautifully written, absolutely horrifying, amazing book. It starts out as a punch to your gut and you are immediately filled with an immense sadness for not only Grace but the general treatment of mentally ill people but also people who were locked up for petty reasons, and you don't know if you are going to make it to the end. But it's like a slow break in the clouds as you read this book and you are left feeling hopeful for not just Grace but for the rest of the cast of characters. 

You can find a copy of A Madness So Discreet on Amazon but also on Barnes & Noble. It would be a great thing to purchase with a Christmas gift card!