Now I Know It's Not My Fault (review)

I'm hoping to have a couple of book reviews for you this week, but let's start this week with one that was a bit of a heart heavy read, scary for any parent to read.

Now I Know It's Not My Fault - Laurie B. Levine

Alexandra Geller is a bright, underachieving fourteen-year-old coming of age in the big hair 1980’s. Alex is from an accomplished, well-educated family. The sudden death of her mother five years ago, and her relationship with her well-meaning but emotionally unavailable father, leaves her unmoored and vulnerable as she tries to figure out who she is. Early in her freshman year, she’s befriended by Paula Hanover, a young, attractive science teacher at her high school. Paula’s irreverence and charm attracts the attention of the girls, who look up to her, and the boys, who have crushes on her. Alex is thrilled to be chosen by this woman and relishes the feeling of finally “belonging” to a mother figure. Paula’s intentions aren’t so benevolent, as she slowly and carefully draws Alex into a relationship designed to meet her own needs, not Alex’s. Desperate for maternal attention, Alex finds ways to ignore the vague sense that something is wrong. Her compelling story sheds light on a common, but rarely talked about kind of trauma which is subtle, and occurs under the radar.

You know I'm not one to sugar coat a review, so don't expect me to change that in 2017. I'm just going to get my issues out right at the front: the cover doesn't pull you in, the time setting of the 80's is outdated and makes the book feel like it isn't relative to modern times I'm a stickler and I found a few grammar errors that make the book feel like it got the quick edit and made it distracting for me. 

But if you can get past that, the story is really compelling. We have Alex, who is going through high school and she's got a lot of home issues she's battling at the same time. I'll tell you I picked this book because the premise of a girl having a mother who has passed away and an unemotional father is something that my kids almost could identify with. Reading this was straight up scary because you realize that some children are basically targets for predators of all kinds, and it doesn't necessarily mean a sexual relationship. This book explores the world of emotional and mental manipulation and what that can do to a child who is desperate for positive attention. 

It's immediately obvious that the teacher, Paula, is inappropriate towards students and looks to more of a friend rather an authority figure. She wants to be seen as cool versus there to further their education. She seemingly can pick out the students who need the "extra" attention and she is a classic groomer of these kids for not just her abuse, but sets them up for a future of abusive relationships. Just like other books that explore the sometimes abuse between children and an authority figure, so many in Alex's life essentially fail her and she's forced to stick up for herself, hard for even adults to do. The book is around 330 pages, but I didn't find it to be a quick read. For me it was easy to put down and pick something else up, but then I'd come back to this one because I wanted to know what was going to happen with Alex. Overall, I would give this book 3/5 stars. 

*I received a copy of this book for an honest review*

Paper Pumpkin - November

We're playing a bit of catch up with the Paper Pumpkin boxes but I'm working on a few other ideas for upcoming Crafty Saturdays, including a giveaway for next week.

I know I mentioned last week that I like the kits that will give me cards to mail out over the projects, and that's true. Especially this time of year, I am that person who sends out thank you cards for Christmas gifts, even though I suspect it drives some people nuts. Sorry, not sorry. I won't lie and tell you that every time I mail a card, I don't feel like I'm single-handedly keeping the United States mail service alive.

The kit for cards this month though was just SO LABOR INTENSIVE. So much so that only one card looked like the finished product.

Tee-dah.

The other cards did not have the string tied on the top because I literally could not be bothered. By the time I was done stamping and adhering the three layers of cardstock and layer of vellum, I was done. You're lucky you even got sequins adhered to your card. This is one card where I thought, "you know what, let me go head and buy thank you cards", even though in my world that's blasphemous. I haven't purchased a card in over a decade, folks. I just can't bring my self to pay $2 (or more.. GASP). I just can't.

But again, I mailed out the last of these cards last week so I'm back to having almost nothing in my stash. Yikes!

Well it's confirmed, I'm not gifted

Honestly, I feel kind of cheated because had I taken this kind of brain test before my AFE I am pretty confident I totally could have wound up in the gifted category at least in a few areas.

But noooooo....

We'll never know because I'm impaired in four different areas.

Let us all take a moment to mourn what used to be. (It's OK, I've been doing this for months, take all of the time you need).

But on Wednesday I went back to Essentia to meet with the neurologist there that ordered me to go to brain testing. I really didn't know what to expect because the tests were all so strange, some were timed, some weren't, and a few were repeated, and honestly it was hard to know what the heck they were even looking for. As it turns out, they can tell a whole bunch from these random little tests. I'll give you the quick and dirty from my memory (ha!!) but I am supposed to be getting a more detailed record in the mail eventually. I do have to say that the neurologists that I have seen have been so thorough, really nice and thoughtful, and fairly optimistic. Which basically just means I feel pretty confident that even if I go for a second opinion at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, I'm going to come out with the same information, essentially.

So I'm going to try to explain this as best as I can from my memory. I'll use the diagram Dr. Sharland kind of drew out for me because it kind of helps to see where I am now.

Results are essentially graded on a bell curve, so in the large box he drew, 85% of the population would fall into that category and that is considered "normal". Any result in that box is considered fine and you shouldn't worry. Gifted folks are all of the way to the right, and you'll see I'm not there. Now I'm testing in the normal region in a lot of areas, things like memory, non-timed essential functioning, etc. I'm considered impaired in three "main" areas: timed essential functioning, attention, and "PS" which I can't remember what it stands for, but it's basically... I can't remember. HA!

What it comes down to is that if I'm given information and I can take my time with reading it, trying to absorb it, and can do it at my own pace- I can recall the information pretty well. My working memory, the memory you use in order to complete a task, is good. I'm able to organize information in my head and pull it out in the order that I need to in order to do something.

What I can't do as well as I once could are things like timed essential functioning- basically being able to make a quick decision. I will likely be the last person you want with you in a crisis situation because my brain just isn't going to fire as quick as it would need to. My attention span is kind of a joke. It's like my brain flips through cards non stop and it's not necessarily able to focus on one thing as long as you could. And I forget what my other area that I'm impaired in but I think it has something to do with depression? I forget what he called that.

The test can't tell me things like, will I be like this forever? Will my brain improve? Things I have going for me is that I'm only five months out from my traumatic brain injury, which included lack of oxygen and multiple units of blood changing in and out of me. He said he is more optimistic that I will have some improvement over the course of the next year as my brain heals. How much? Nobody knows. Apparently the brain is a fickle creature and it's a slow healer and anything could happen.

So what do I do?

Apparently I scored terribly on emotional control and self regulation, which is the boss of your emotions and rational thoughts. He seemed concerned about my suicidal thoughts and depression, obviously, and feels confident that my brain could heal better as soon as I get my depression under control. Then obviously things like diet, exercise, staying on top of my medications. It does make me feel better with my Sheehan's Syndrome diagnosis, I hit all of the marks that would be expected of me to hit with my pituitary gland being shot. My results also indicate that I am my own worst critic and that my self impression is incredibly bad. Like I clearly think I am a worthless piece of poo and everybody honestly would be better off without me, I'm clearly a burden, and I'm not able to get around that. I test right down the middle of extrovert and introvert, so I like meeting and being around people but then when I'm done, I'm done, and I need to go into a hole and be all alone.

What's next?

Well my next step is to go to a psychiatrist (which I'm doing today) to get my anti-depressant medication figured out. It's expected to be a two hour appointment and I'm told this doctor is incredibly thorough, so I'm pretty optimistic about this. I'll report back on that when I have more information.

On Monday I am currently scheduled to see an endocrinologist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I have to decide by the end of the day today if I'm going to keep this appointment or re-schedule it. I am kind of undecided. Everyone (doctors) are telling me to go to Mayo only if I want to, but go in with low to no expectations. If I go down there thinking I'm going to walk away with this huge revelation and aha! moment, I'm going to be disappointed. I tried to get in with neurology and basically, they aren't interested. Not because I'm not a unique case but because I'm too new of a unique case. Dr. Sharland said if I was a year out from my AFE, had my other medical conditions well under control and still experienced my brain issues, then absolutely, he'd help me fight tooth and nail to get there. So I feel like I haven't exhausted all of the avenues that I could here.

And if we're being honest? I'm kind of tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling like crap but I'm tired of doctors, tests, people not knowing, and still feeling like crap. It's exhausting. I try to keep it in perspective and tell myself at least I don't have cancer, stop being a freaking baby and be happy you're only dealing with this. You're being a whiner and nobody cares, if it's that bad, just kill yourself already. These are the things that are on a ticker through my head all day, every day.

Sigh.

So we'll know more soon. I guess. I'll keep trucking.

Therapy is really tough, lambs.

When I came home from my AFE, everyone suggested I see a therapist to get my bearings. Work through the feelings I was having and bound to have because you don't die and not have feelings. And I was having the feels, trust me. I went into counseling with low expectations because my only other experience with counseling was going to marriage counseling with Matt and being told that he was totally fine, and that I just needed to not be so close minded and things would be fine.

Needless to say, we didn't go for long, and I never went back on my own though I desperately wanted to. I just wasn't ready.

So who knew that dying would be the catalyst to spur me into that? But it did and I've been going regularly since November, every two weeks. And that seems like it was so long ago, but truly, it's not been that long. And I really like my therapist, she is really great. I feel totally at ease with her, I can swear and she swears, and it's all really like I'm talking to a friend. I never feel judged, even when I tell her things like I want to die. I think every single day about dying. It consumes me all day, every day. I wonder and Google how many of whatever pill would I need for it to kill me? Would it be painful? Could I do it and die in my sleep? I don't want my children or husband to find my body grossly mutilated like from hanging or a gun shot or something, I'd like it to look like I just... died in my sleep. She tells me she would never talk me in or out of ending my life, but to get me to a place that I'm at peace with whatever I choose.

Do you know how.... freeing that is? I felt at immediate peace being told that my decision would be respected by someone. I had no idea that was what I needed to hear until she said it. She made me feel right then that the way I was feeling was 100% legitimate and that it's totally normal. It's not to be ashamed of, it's something to work with. I feel that way right now, and maybe I'll feel like that a long time, but I have choices. Every choice, killing myself or not, has consequences and I need to be OK with either set.

I also know it's not my job to make someone else happy. I can't do that. I can't stick around for someone else's sake. Yes, I have children, and a husband, and I have countless family and friends who love and care for me. And I'm not ungrateful for any of that, god knows that is what keeps me trucking along most days. But I also know that I can't make any of you or them happy, it's not up to me to spare feelings. It's all well and good to tell a person to be selfish and do what you have to so you feel good, until that causes others to feel uncomfortable.

And I guess I understand that.

I find that I really look forward to my therapy sessions, like those are my only life line. My 45 minutes of verbal freedom where I can unload it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. She just takes it and listens to me and offers me that safe place. I oftentimes get in my van afterwards and cry because it's another two weeks until I can go again and it feels so far away.

But I have an assignment before my next session, and I thought I could whip it out easily but I'm finding that I am really struggling with it. Basically, if I could start my life all over, no kids, no husband, no worries- what would my life look like? I mean... I don't know. I can't even wrap my head around this. It's not to say I could even have any of that, I certainly can't pick up and take off but if I could... what would I imagine?

I have no idea.

Have you ever really thought about that? If, with the flick of a wrist, you could change your life to be exactly what you'd want, what would you change?

Brain testing, psychometrist, and exhaustion.

I have been mentally pumping myself up for my "brain testing" appointment that was last week. It was supposed to be on Friday but it got bumped to Thursday, which meant I had to re-schedule my appointment with my regular doctor and have Matt take the day off work so he could take the kids to school and Penelope to her appointment.

But it all worked out and everyone got to where they needed to be.

Going into this appointment I had no idea what to expect because the term "brain testing" is kind of vague and the neurologist who ordered the testing said it's just a lot more involved testing that what he did in his office, and told me it would likely take me "all day". Which, OK. That's pretty awful sounding, but if it means we can find a solution to my brain feeling like mush, I'm game.

So I drove myself to the Essentia Lakewalk Clinic building in Duluth, which is lovely, albeit a bit overly fancy for what is in there. They also have a terribly rude receptionist who checks you in. My appointment was at 8 and she was already acting as if she's got the worst job in the world, so I can only imagine what she's like by 4. But I didn't have to wait long until my psychometrist came out.

Oh, what's a psychometrist? Glad you asked because I Google'd it and found this:

A psychometrist uses their training and/or experience in psychology to specialize in tests and measurements. They may administer and score tests that evaluate the cognitive, behavioral, academic, neuropsychological, or emotional status of a patient. They accurately record responses and take note of any behaviors that could affect test results. Aside from testing, a psychometrist may also be responsible for building rapport with a patient and motivating them to participate in the tests, encouraging optimal results. 

I will say he was very nice but to be honest, we really didn't have any small talk. He was right to the point and administered hours of tests. I had mentally prepared myself to be there from 8-4 because that's what my paperwork said, so I had vending machine money and snacks. Turns out it was for nothing because I was done by noon.

As far as the testing goes, it was kind of bizarre. A lot of it was testing my attention and repetition abilities. He would recite a list of several words and then I'd have to repeat back how many I remembered. I'd look at 50 images and then be asked which pictures I saw. I was given a test where I looked at an image and then had to draw it from memory. The worst was the computer tests because those gave me an instant migraine. It was a series of letters flashing on a screen and I had to hit the space bar every time I saw a letter, but not the letter X. I know I didn't do well on that one. But the one where it was numbers flashing on the screen was the worst, and I think it's because it was a colored background and it made me feel like I had to blink a lot. It was strange. Then of course, I had like a 400 question survey on all kinds of things, I'm guessing to gauge my mental and/or emotional health? But I left there with a migraine and absolutely exhausted.

So  I did what anyone else would do.

I went to Wendy's to treat myself to some lunch. And it was worth it.

I drove home and told Matt I absolutely had to take a nap. I don't think even taking the ACT's in high school stressed me out that much.

And my elusive cat Ginger took a nap with me.

I find out the results of my brain testing on Wednesday, so we'll see. I don't know what to expect from the results either way. I tried to ask the psychometrist some question and all he would say was that the neurologist would answer my questions. Normally I'd be panicking about this but I guess worst case scenario it yields no real answers and I'm back at square one, I suppose.

But after my nap I came downstairs and decided to have some dinner. I felt pretty terrible to have missed Penelope's doctor appointment and to not have spent any real time with her or Lucy.

And Lucy let me know by staring me down while I ate. It doesn't matter what I'm doing but if she can hear my voice she's always searching me out. Penelope and Jackson did that too, but she does it ALL the time, more so than her siblings. It's like I'm her actual life line sometimes and I wonder what she's thinking. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how I'm feeling, that I'm only here for her, I want her to remember me.

I don't know. Deep thoughts for someone who feels dead on her feet. So we'll see. This week is full of appointments including my regular doctor, my therapist, the neurologist, and then ending the week with the psychologist to get a solution for my depression, or at least something better than what we're doing now.

Paper Pumpkin - October

Oh lordy lambs, I am so behind in showing you my Paper Pumpkin projects! I haven't been letting them sit, I've actually done October and November, I just forgot to share them. So I'll share this one, but look for a Paper Pumpkin giveaway happening soon!

Easily my favorite Paper Pumpkin boxes are the ones that will give me a set of cards to complete. I use these far more than the "projects" and these are things I can see myself replicating again sometime in the future.The other nice thing about these is that these cards are a little more involved than what I would normally make so these aren't the type of card you'll crank out in a short amount of time. Sure, there aren't a lot of steps, but they can be a bit tedious, a nice way to break yourself out of your comfort zone as a crafter.

I really liked this set because they were shaker cards! I have never made a shaker card because it seemed a bit more involved than I like, but this was actually really easy if you used the foam adhesive strips that it came with! I do remember back in my day of having cable TV with a crafting station, that you can use transparency sheets to be the clear piece that holds your sequins in, but in this box they gave you pre-cut pieces so it went faster.

Would you believe me if I told you I've already used these all up?

It's true! They are all gone! I should also note that I like to dress my envelopes up with a little bit of washi tape (I like my envelope to stand out in someone's mail) and this tape is actually left over from a previous Paper Pumpkin box but matched perfectly!

If you're interested in having a little box of fun come every month, you can get your own Paper Pumpkin for $19.95/month!

No need for panic and alarm, lambs- I'm still kicking

It occurred to me that after my post on Monday, some of you were alarmed that maybe that was the end. I didn't mean to freak you out or leave you on Facebook stalking mode to make sure I was still posting; therefore, OK. I'm one to be honest and if that scares you or makes you feel the feels when you don't want to, I'm not sorry. Because it's about time we're honest about mental health because it isn't a comfortable topic to talk about. It's not supposed to make you feel the warm and fuzzies, if done correctly, it should scare you and spur you to reach out and check on that one friend who used to post a lot that you haven't heard from in awhile. The person would always had pictures of fun evenings out with friends who doesn't have anything recent. It's OK to just ask someone, "Hey- how are you REALLY doing? Can I help you? Can I bring you lunch some day?"

I get asked a lot if there is anything a person can do for me and my answer is always nothing. Not because I'm trying to be that annoying person who wants you to fish for something, but because truly, there's nothing you can do. You can't fix my brain chemistry, you can't fix the financial stress we're under, you can't make me healthy again. I'll jokingly say that if you happen to win the lottery, please think of me and I'll do the same for you if I win, but other than that... nothing.

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's my brain tricking me into thinking I can't be helped or if it's really something I just have to slog through on my own. I'm not joking when I say that human contact sounds like the worst possible thing in the whole world. When someone says they want to come sit with me I will do everything I can possibly think of to get you to not come over. I've even locked my doors and let a friend bang on it for exactly 38 minutes before she gave up and sent me a text saying I won.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but when someone is here I more times than not feel like I have to entertain them even though they tell me I don't have to. I can't help it, it's ingrained to not cry like a baby for no reason in front of people. My life is not set up where I can just go take a nap when I want to (believe me, I'd never leave my bed if that was the case). I have two kids here to take care of, I have two kids in school. My house is a mess, it's not anywhere near what I would consider clean though you'd think otherwise. Just today I mopped my floors and it was the first time since a week before Christmas.

That's totally gross but honestly, it's the best I can do right now.

So it's not that I'm ignoring help, I have a small core of friends who if I text that I need something, I know they'll pull through. I know that if I need them, they'll be here as soon as humanly possible. I have my mom here every day helping me with the little girls and she is a saint. It's not so much that I can't handle it without her, but I can't handle it without her. Having her here is like a calming presence and I know that if I say I just need five minutes, she'll take over and never make me feel like I'm doing a terrible job. I'm trying really hard to pull it together for the sake of my kids because they deserve that. It's been a really hard five months on them, too and I sometimes forget that.

So thank you. Seriously. For everyone who has emailed, texted, called, messaged, or commented- thank you. I'm going to be OK. I won't just disappear off the planet on you. I'm far too organized for that, right?