1,001 Ways to Slow Down

*This post contains affiliate links that I may make commission from; however, all opinions are my own.*

No, it's not the most epic list for a blog post ever, but it's a review for a really uplifting (and gorgeous) book!

1,001 Ways to Slow Down - Barbara Ann Kipfer

This irresistible list book from National Geographic provides lighthearted quick hits of inspiration for those of us who feel overwhelmed--which is to say, all of us. Musings, activity suggestions, and illuminating quotes are paired with whimsical art on themes such as living in the moment, achieving balance, relieving stress, developing patience, and appreciating the world around us. -Slow living- sidebars, such as -Foods to Cook Slowly- and -Things to Do the Old-Fashioned Way, - are interspersed throughout the book.

Anyone who has followed this blog for awhile knows that I have had one hell of a year. That's not even enough of a statement to cover it, but it's the best I can do without any more swears. As soon as I saw this book come up for review option I had to volunteer immediately because I have always been guilty at going non stop at the speed of light, but while I'm not necessarily cruising at that speed anymore, I am having a hard time taking in the things around me.

But also?

I think no matter who you are, there are going to be things in this book you already do and don't realize it, but also so many opportunities to add something positive in your day.

Throughout the book are all of the different ways to slow down but there are also calm lists of different things such as Slow Movies to Savor, Handwritten Letters to Send (my favorite of the lists), Vacations to Help You Chill Out, Books to Take Your Time Reading (my second favorite list), etc. I had such a good time paging through this book, thinking about things, but also incorporating a few things to my daily routine so that I can be more appreciative. I am struggling right now with suicidal thoughts and depression so truly, if you know someone in your life that just needs a minute to themselves, this is a GREAT gift idea. Let's remember that Mother's Day is right around the corner, but this would make a great gift for someone you're thinking about. It's become a staple of my side table where I like to sit in the evenings and I automatically grab for it and page through a few pages every night. I'm including purchase links for not just this book but also the author's other book, 14,000 Things to Be Happy About, because that also sounds like something we could all use in our lives.

A Simple Favor

*This post contains affiliate links that I may make commission from; however, all opinions are my own.*

I know I say this a lot, but I really do have a lot to fill you in on and talk about, but I also want to stay on top of book reviews. I have a couple for you this week and next, and in between those I'm going to fill you in. Stay tuned.

A Simple Favor - Darcey Bell

She’s your best friend.

She knows all your secrets.

That’s why she’s so dangerous.

A single mother's life is turned upside down when her best friend vanishes in this chilling debut thriller in the vein of Gone Girl and The Girl on the Train. 

It starts with a simple favor—an ordinary kindness mothers do for one another. When her best friend, Emily, asks Stephanie to pick up her son Nicky after school, she happily says yes. Nicky and her son, Miles, are classmates and best friends, and the five-year-olds love being together—just like she and Emily. A widow and stay-at-home mommy blogger living in woodsy suburban Connecticut, Stephanie was lonely until she met Emily, a sophisticated PR executive whose job in Manhattan demands so much of her time. 

But Emily doesn’t come back. She doesn’t answer calls or return texts. Stephanie knows something is terribly wrong—Emily would never leave Nicky, no matter what the police say. Terrified, she reaches out to her blog readers for help. She also reaches out to Emily’s husband, the handsome, reticent Sean, offering emotional support. It’s the least she can do for her best friend. Then, she and Sean receive shocking news. Emily is dead. The nightmare of her disappearance is over.

Or is it? Because soon, Stephanie will begin to see that nothing—not friendship, love, or even an ordinary favor—is as simple as it seems. 

A Simple Favor is a remarkable tale of psychological suspense—a clever and twisting free-fall of a ride filled with betrayals and reversals, twists and turns, secrets and revelations, love and loyalty, murder and revenge. Darcey Bell masterfully ratchets up the tension in a taut, unsettling, and completely absorbing story that holds you in its grip until the final page. 

I was torn on this book because while I loved Gone Girl, I absolutely hated The Girl on the Train because the latter felt like a cheap rip off of the first. That's kind of how I feel about this one. While I appreciate that the story is fast paced and you will fly through the almost 300 pages in no time, if you've read the either of those books, this story isn't going to feel new to you at all. I couldn't relate, or like, any of the characters and knowing that this book is set up to be "in the same vein" as those other books, I wanted this book to be better than those. I feel like if you're going to be similar, be better. Those books lacked character development, and this book could have excelled in that but it doesn't. In fact I dislike these characters more than even the ones in The Girl on the Train.

Stephanie is a blogger who is also a single mother after the death of her husband and her brother. She's doing the best she can and has befriended another "older" mom at her son's school and they quickly become best friends. The kind of best friends that picks up the slack of the other when needed, no question. When Emily goes missing, Stephanie realizes that something is really very wrong. Not just because Emily is devoted to her son and would never leave him alone like this but also because Stephanie has a gut instinct telling her not all is what it seems with Emily and her husband Sean. The book has several "blog posts" that all feel... off. If it were a real blog and those were real posts, as a reader I'd think something was very wrong about the tone of them.

Clearly, I can't give you more but know nothing is as it seems, there are twists and turns, bizarre revelations not just about Emily, but also Stephanie. (Can we talk about Stephanie and her brother? I had to just shake my head because come ON. Really? We're going to go that route for a character development plot line?! Oy.)

I can only give this book 3/5 stars and that's generous because it IS a debut novel. I really want to see what this author does for the next book but I implore you to not use the framework of existing stories, go somewhere totally new and different- really blow our mind. You'll be able to fine your own copy of A Simple Favor on the HarperCollins website, and I really want you to pick this up and tell me what you think. Did you see similarities or do you think there are enough differences between this and similar stories that it stands on its own?

Life is cruel and optimism is pointless.

I could be one of those epic vague bloggers and beat around the bush, give you pointless drivel about why life is hard and woe is me, but you know I'm not that person. Instead, I've always been 100% honest with how I feel, what's happening, even when I know others don't want to hear it or it makes them worry.

I don't do it to be cruel, I do it because I have to get it out of me otherwise I will explode. When I was younger I feel like I did an excellent job keeping all of my troubles to myself and I worried about how my sad or depressed feelings would be for others and I never wanted to inconvenience people. But as I get older, and mostly because I've entered a new level of depression, I can't do that anymore. What I feel comes out, good, bad or indifferent.

So in my last post I mentioned how we put our house up for sale and made an offer on another house, which was accepted. Matt and I have been doing so well working on our finances (more on the last of our FPU classes soon) and making hard decisions. We have hit some pretty startling, and sobering, facts that hurt. First, we're broke. We're not like, "Oh man, I wish I could go to this concert but I can't because I'm broke" broke, we're more in the, "I'm not sure if I can buy groceries... maybe if I just pay half of the utility bill because I can't cut back on my medication and we have to make a full house payment" kind of broke. So we decided first and foremost, pay off all of the credit card debts that we could with our tax refund. Did that, and we're still broke. So then we decided that we'd sell the house and move into a new one that is markedly cheaper per month. Yes, it's kind of dumpy and needs a LOT of work, but Matt's so handy that in time it would be OK. Matt's truck is paid off so we're putting his truck payment towards other debt to hopefully snowball it and that would eventually help. We've made a lot of other changes to just stay afloat, but doing the hard math? Well it tells us that in about a year, maybe two if we're lucky, we're going to be in dire straights.

And not even of our own doing.

All of it would stem back to my long term medical needs (non-stop appointments with Neurologist, Primary Care, Endocrinology, and Mayo Clinic, not to mention my Psychologist and Psychiatrist) and medications from my AFE.

So at the encouragement of essentially everyone, I applied for any kind of assistance through the State of Wisconsin. Hilariously, we don't qualify. I'd like to know how in the world any of these programs can justify using your pre-tax income as the threshold. If Matt was actually bringing anywhere close to that home, we'd be in amazing shape. But no. He pays for our health insurance, he's taxed out the rear, and then what he does bring home is spread so thin. He can't work the ridiculous hours he used to because I am a hot mess and I am not in any shape capable of taking care of the kids by myself because I break down into tears and scare them.

I don't want to be a mess of a mom. I really don't. This is against everything I set out to be and I hate that I can't control any of it.

Anyways.

We were denied for all assistance, and WIC. We can't even get WIC and as I'm told by everyone, "Everyone gets WIC". Well we don't, folks.

So we had EVERYTHING banked into the basket of this new house. Hoping we'd make enough from our sale to fix a few things and it would all be OK. We spent our emergency fund on earnest money. We spent the last of our savings on new carpet for the stairs and hallway because everyone said if we spent that money it would make a big difference. Spoiler: it hasn't. The seller of the house we want is in obvious financial trouble herself and needs to sell ASAP and doesn't want to wait for us to sell, so she took a second offer. Which means basically, we have until midnight tonight to have an accepted offer on our house otherwise we aren't in the running for that house.

Which wouldn't stress me out normally because we've had like six or seven showings and all but one hated our house. The one who likes it, "had stuff come up" (join the god damn club) and is on the fence. We basically spent our reserves as a last Hail Mary to sell this house and SHOCKER, it hasn't paid off. That means if we don't sell this house in the next day, that means I get to stare at this stupid carpet and feel unbridled rage.

So the end story is that I am 99.9% sure we are going to lose that house. If we don't get an offer on ours today, we're pulling it off the market. Every other house that is four bedroom, and in our price range, in town is an absolute dump. It's either a dump, next to a sexual offender half way house, or in a disgusting part of town where I absolutely would not let my kids play outside. (So explain to me how my house is still on the market?!)

I can't even get into the nightmare that is showing your house when you are suicidal with severe depression. It's like every horrible, negative piece of "feedback" you could have thrown right at you. Some of them I want to strangle and just ask why they even looked at the house if it was too big for them? Why waste my time? Do you even know how difficult it is for me to get moving in the morning, let alone clean my house, feed the kids, and get them out of here for an hour or two? By the time I get home I just cry non stop because it's so physically taxing I can't think.

But I'm trying. I'm trying SO hard to be optimistic, and be the fearless, take-no-crap woman I used to be. Then I am reminded that person died in August and she is never coming back. I'm such an emotional wreck that I flat out told Matt today that every day that goes by only solidifies that I should have just died and stay dead. It would have been easier. The family would have had my life insurance, all of my retirement funds, survivor benefits, and Matt would have been swamped with help from my friends and family. Instead, I'm here, sucking up every last penny we have to stay alive and it feels selfish.

Yesterday Jackson, on his 9th birthday, told his friend at lunch that we aren't doing anything for summer because we're poor. He couldn't sign up for baseball because his mom couldn't pay for it and it's "too hard for her to leave the house a lot". I know he didn't mean it to be hurtful, but I sat there (I surprised him at school with a Happy Meal at lunch time) and I felt like the worst parent in the entire world. Then I go to the Realtor's office to be told that we tried but yeah... probably not going to happen. Cue crying in the Walmart parking lot for 45 minutes, pulling it together to go get Jackson's birthday cake, and crying the entire way home again.

I can't say it enough: every day it gets harder and harder to be alive. There isn't anything anyone can say or do to help  me, this is something I have to navigate on my own. It's like guiding a ship through fog basically. I don't know what is on the other side but I'm supposed to just keep going. I just don't know how long I can do that. The only bright side is that at least I don't feel like I'm being unnecessarily dramatic because I have both my psychiatrist and my psychologist who tell me that I have every single right to feel the way I feel and that they are at a serious loss on how to help me. Because (wait for it) most people die from AFE so there isn't anything out there on how to help people cope with this kind of thing. So we keep trying different things because eventually something will stick. Right? I'm not even going to lie to you and tell you I'm optimistic about that.

Moving right along... literally.

I know I've been pretty MIA around these parts lately but I have a totally valid reason: we're moving.

Well, I'm 99% sure we are.

So you know how we have been doing the Dave Ramsey money program Financial Peace University? Well since doing that we have spent a lot of time reevaluating all of our current expenses, things coming up in the future, and trying to map out the best way to handle all of it. Right now, things are just fine. I mean yes, we have medical bills stacking up, but we are doing a really amazing job at paying down our debt and we've made great strides in improving our personal finances.

BUT.

The realization that my medical costs are never going to go down, and I will be on these medications for the rest of my life, that the kids are getting older and as they get older they get more expensive. We are at least realistic enough that we know Matt can't work insane hours forever, and that I will most likely never work full time again because I'm just not there. Instead of waiting until it's an actual issue, we decided to take the precautionary step to find another home.

I just happened to be on a real estate app when I saw a four bedroom, two bathroom house a block away from our kids' school (and five blocks from my mom), and well within our targeted budget go up for sale. Within a day we went to the bank, got all of our numbers worked out, called our Realtor and got the ball rolling. We made an offer, it was accepted, and now... our home is for sale.

The irony of this is that Matt just finished my kitchen. My back splash is up, and it looks amazing, and now I get to leave it. Last night he put new carpet up the stairs and throughout the upstairs hallway area, it looks amazing and I get to leave it. Pretty much every project I wanted done in this house? Done. And I get to leave it and start completely over.

Sigh.

But I know ultimately? This is by far the best decision for us. My neighbor was so bummed to see the sign go up today but I promised to stay in touch because she's amazing.

So if I'm MIA around here, it's because I'm packing, cleaning, or out of the house while people are looking at our house. I'm optimistic. It's a bummer to leave this house that I love, but then I think- another family will get to enjoy it. They'll get to have their kids grow up here, watch them at the park in the sunny porch, enjoy evening walks next to Lake Superior, and join the other moms when the kids play at the park.

The kids are VERY excited, mostly because we will be surrounded by their friends since we are so close to the school. Jackson already started packing his room and Olivia is thinking about paint colors. I'm so glad they are such troopers and adapt easily because it makes it easier on us.

Say some prayers, think good thoughts, and send positive vibes our way.

May Cause Love (review)

**This post contains affiliate links that I may be compensated for; however, all opinions are my own**

I know I've been quiet as of late, but please know it's because Lucy has been sick and we've been working on something potentially BIG and I sincerely have not had the time to blog that I want to. I'm barely staying on top of my reading schedule! So please come back tomorrow and I'll have some updates for you all. Phew!

May Cause Love: An Unexpected Journey of Enlightenment After Abortion -  Kassi Underwood

In this powerful memoir, a fiercely honest and surprisingly funny testament to healing after abortion, a young woman travels across the United States to meet a motley crew of spiritual teachers and a caravan of new friends.

At age nineteen, Kassi Underwood discovered she was pregnant. Broke, unwed, struggling with alcohol, and living a thousand miles away from home, she checked into an abortion clinic.

While her abortion sparked her “feminist awakening,” she also felt lost and lawless, drinking to oblivion and talking about her pregnancy with her parents, her friends, strangers-anyone.

Three years later, just when she had settled into a sober life at her dream job, the ex-boyfriend with whom she had become pregnant had a baby with someone else. She shattered. In the depths of a blinding depression, Kassi refused to believe that she would “never get over” her abortion. Inspired by rebellious women in history who used spiritual practices to attain emotional freedom, Kassi embarked on a journey of recovery after abortion-a road trip with pit stops at a Buddhist “water baby” ritual, where she learns a new way to think about lost pregnancies; a Roman Catholic retreat for abortion that turns out to be staffed with clinic picketers; a crash course in grief from a Planned Parenthood counselor; a night in a motel with a “Midwife for the Soul” who teaches her how to take up space; and a Jewish “wild woman” celebration led by a wise and zany rabbi.

Dazzling with warmth and leavened by humor, May Cause Love captures one woman’s journey of self-discovery that enraged her, changed her, and ultimately enlightened her.

I know I have some readers who fall into the "absolutely under no circumstances" column when it comes to abortion but I implore you to read this book with an open heart and an open mind. Truly. One of the greatest things about memoirs, the beauty of them, is that it gives us a personal look at someone's story. It gives us the behind-the-scenes, the dirty details, the intimate thoughts of someone who most often are at their lowest point in life. We get that access and when done right, we close the book with a new understanding of a perspective different from our own. It can shake what we thought we knew and give us food for thought, show us that no scenario is cut and dry. A good memoir leaves you empathetic and makes you want to reach out with love to someone who maybe you don't understand but it doesn't matter because they are still human, they still have heart and we are all flawed but it's OK.

That's what this book does. I'm telling you right now there aren't enough stars in the world for me to give this book, five stars does not do it justice. I finished this book in a flash and not only do I wish I could have gone on this journey with her, but I want to be her friend. It's not a choice I would make for myself (I don't think), but I absolutely think she deserves the right to make it and it's OK.

I'm not going to go into specifics about the book because it would absolutely, 100% ruin it for you, but I will tell you the Buddhist water baby ritual was maybe my favorite part. Well, aside from the author herself who is so incredibly relate-able, she's all of us. She's a friend we have in our group, she's the cool co-worker you really want to be friends with outside of work, she's self deprecating in the best way, she's funny, and she's a realist. She's a dreamer, she's a good girl, she's a bad girl, and she battles what she should do and be with who she is and it's hard. You'll find yourself nodding along because she shows you how easily this could be any of us. This story is unapologetic, it's entertaining, it does an amazing job of lightening the conversation about a serious topic but not to the point where it downplays it. She balances it all out and this might be one of my most favorite memoirs. Truly.

I invite you to learn more about Kassi Underwood and her journey through her website, Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. In the meantime, you should check out the HarperCollins website and purchase her book.

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review. 

Renegade's Pride (review)

*This post contains affiliate links that I may make a commission from; however, all opinions and thoughts are my own.*

Oh lambs... I have some really big things happening in my world right now and I'm not going to jinx anything but if you can, send all of the positive vibes, happy thoughts, prayers, whatever you got, our way. I'm going to be playing catch up with some blog posts this week so some things might seem like old news to me, but they are new to you.

Renegade's Pride - B. J. Daniels

In the nine years since Trask Beaumont left Gilt Edge, Lillian Cahill had convinced herself she was over him. But when the rugged cowboy suddenly walks into her bar, there's a pang in her heart that argues the attraction never faded. And that's dangerous, because Trask has returned on a mission to clear his name and win Lillie back.

Trask gets the showdown he's after when his boss's body is recovered from a burning house. Hawk, Lillie's marshal brother, believes Trask's homecoming isn't coincidental to the murder, but Lillie isn't so sure. Something is urging her to give bad boy Trask a second chance, even if it leaves her torn between her family and the man she never stopped loving.

YES. I absolutely loved this book, and coming in at just over 300 pages, it's a really quick read and I settled in on a particularly windy and cold weekend with this one. Particularly exciting is that this is the first book in the Cahill Ranch series and it sets it up so well and I am excited to meet the rest of the boys as we go through this series. A few years ago I would have snubbed my nose at contemporary western romance but I'm finding as I get older I appreciate it more so I don't ignore that section in the bookstore.

In this book we have basically first loves Lillie and Trask, who had a tough breakup when Trask left town. Lillie is convinced she's fine and she's moved on but Trask suddenly shows up in the bar and bam- Lillie feels that familiar pitter patter of looooove, and Trask wants to win her back. The characters in this book? Hilarious. And likeable, it makes you want to read the rest of the series. With it being the first in a series, there is a LOT of back story given that I'm sure we won't have as much but it does set the rest of the series up well. The story also has a great suspense arc in it with Trask's suspicious involvement in a murder he didn't commit, which is what brings him back. Of course, bad decisions is the theme so we see a young man make some poor ones (shocker) and make his life more difficult than it ever needed to be.

Anyways, I'm giving this book a solid 4 out of 5 stars. I'm all about Twitter right now (follow me!) so you can follow the author on her Twitter, website, or Facebook. There is also a really cool giveaway happening, so I encourage you to head over HERE and enter!

Medical round up, not just me anymore!

On this episode of Strand Medical Round Up...

I'm not even kidding, it's starting to feel like we are always handling medical related paperwork, doctor appointments, doctor bills, medical phone calls, etc. It's so much. I told Matt that some days I feel like I'm working in a medical office just not getting paid for it. I am seriously struggling with keeping track of information and no amount of notebooks, calendars, and reminder apps are working. I have missed Lucy's six month well child check TWICE.

TWICE.

We finally made it last week, and she's officially seven months. Which is fine because I still haven't gotten her three month baby photos done so you can see how well I'm mothering this child. She's going to be the one who has half-assed everything and will need counseling as an adult. We may as well save for that versus college for her. Sorry, Lucy.

But at seven months she is 18.5 pounds and 27 inches long. She's just a chunky little love. If I was a really on top of it mother I would have kept the well child stats for each kid so I could compare but alas, I tossed all of those because my desire to not be a hoarder is stronger than my desire to know this kind of information. She's happy and relatively healthy. Well, the doctor heard what she described as a really "strange, and not totally normal" sounding murmur. She listened for a long time, did the rest of her check, and then listened again. She said her gut is telling her that we should just get it checked out because it could be nothing, but it could be something. And given how she is my AFE baby, there just isn't research out there about what effects that could have on her. Yes, she was born seconds before all hell broke loose with me, but did something happen to her before she was born that lead to my AFE? Nobody can ever know, so her doctor said we should really just be proactive.

And I agree.

So tomorrow morning I am taking Lucy to have an ECHO and appointment with a pediatric cardiologist. I am worried it could be something and I am worried that I'll forget something important a mom should remember.

That's really another stressful think about AFE recovery, I don't know what I don't know and I think I'll remember something, and I won't always. Then I won't remember what it was I should have but I'll have that nagging thing in my head telling me there was something I was supposed to do, remember, say, etc. and I just can't remember. I never feel like I've gotten all of the details of something even if I've written them down. The longer I deal with this the more I realize there aren't enough coping mechanisms out there to help it and I question if I'm going to be able to work again. Because truly, I wouldn't hire me. Not even close. I would get fired if I lied through an interview because it would become blatantly obvious I'm not quite right rather quickly.

Sigh- a worry for another day.

This week I also meet with my psychologist and I'm hoping we can find a solution for my depression. I feel almost bi-polar. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense at all and I know that I am not, but I bounce between feeling upbeat, great, even normal, and then it switches and bam- I want to die. I want to be alone, in the dark, and I want to die. It's hard to get out of those funks and sometimes they last for days. I want to cry, I feel like it would be such a powerful release of negative energy and the medication prevents it. It's like an itch I can't scratch. It's frustrating to say the least.

My neurologist feels sorry for me, understands my frustration, can't help me. Can't tell me if I'll get better or when, it's literally wait and see.

My primary care doctor also feels sorry for me and I think I am a hard patient to help because she just doesn't know what to do. I don't see her for a few months again. Who knows what that'll be like. So until then, I deal with daily pain and exhaustion, nobody knows why or how to fix it.

My endocrinologist does not feel sorry for me, he really enjoys seeing me because I'm a fun patient with a cool medical study. But in these last seven months I've learned that endocrinologists are kind of nerdy so that's to be expected. I head back to Mayo Clinic in Rochester for a follow up in May with that endocrinologist so I'm hopeful they can help me manage daily pain and exhaustion. Surely someone somewhere can, I just have to keep trying.