I don't know if I always feel the way I feel right now in December but we aren't even to Christmas yet and I've got a case of the Mondays. Every day. I just don't have it in me to care about anything, I don't want to do anything, and I'd just as soon sleep all day to be honest. I'm not finding any joy in any of it and I feel bad because Penelope and Lucy seem excited about everything going on. It must be pretty cool to just randomly have a tree in your house, right?
I know when Olivia and Jackson were smaller I really dreaded the day that they didn't believe in Santa and all of the magic. I was really worried about it. I got kind of worried because Olivia is 12 now, has given me no indication that she knows that Matt and I are really Santa, and I was worried she was going to get beat up at school for talking about Santa. I decided that I was going to take her out to run errands and just have the conversation in the car. Turns out it was for nothing and SHE was the one who was relieved and said to me, "Oh thank god I don't have to fake it for you anymore!".
Nice, kid.
Jackson, on the other hand, FULLY believes in Santa and he's nine. I wonder though if kids are saying things at school because he's been asking me if I believe in Christmas, in elves, in Santa, in magic, etc. I've been kind of non-committal about it all but it is pretty clear that he is all into it. Of all of the kids he is (so far) the most sensitive and he's just a gentle soul. I almost said something to him about it this past weekend on the way to tennis but then he started talking about how this year he is going to try to stay up and listen for reindeer and I just couldn't.
Oh! But on our drive to tennis, we were talking about something and I actually remembered what he was talking about. I said to him, "Jack! I remember! I know what you're talking about! Can you believe it? I actually remembered this time!" and that smart ass starts singing the song "For The First Time In Forever" from Frozen.
Little jerk.
I'm all done with Christmas everything. Well, no that isn't true- I have no idea what I'm cooking on Christmas and my plan is to shop tonight so... yeah. I need to get on that. I honestly planned on cereal but Matt had hopes for an actual meal so I guess I'll give it a whirl. I think I am going to spend some time over the weekend writing my book. Well, parts of it. My therapy homework is to write about the actual event, no editing, no re-writing or adding in, just every thought I think of as it pops into my head until I feel like I've gotten it out. I'm working on forming a new narrative, I guess. It's proving to be tough because I'll be in the car and think of something really great and god knows I won't remember it, then I get angry at myself. Or sometimes I can hear it in my head but I can't get it out, if that makes sense? It's a voice only I can hear but I can't translate it into words on paper. The brain works in bizarre ways, I suppose.
So I've been feeling blah. I'm not happy. I'm not really angry (just moderately so- ha!), but I feel indifferent. Take it or leave it. If the house went up in flames I'm not even sure I'd have any emotional response to it. It's hard to know if this is an improvement in mental health because of medication but it doesn't feel like it. Though I suppose before I was actively planning my death and now I'm not... I just think about it and don't have the energy to plan. It's like one of those, "if I get around to it" projects that never happens.
Alright. I know I have more book reviews for this year but next week I'm going to highlight 2017's highs and lows, and my goals for 2018. Still working on those. Ha!
Thursday, December 21, 2017
Presidents' Day
I am so close to reaching my Goodreads goal of 100 books this year, I have three more to read by the end of the year. Totally do-able, right??
I need to admit that I signed up for this review simply because I really like House of Cards and this is thought to be in that similar vein. It's a political thriller and I can see why there are also Dan Brown comparisons, he isn't really a political thriller author but this book also has the larger than you can imagine, big picture story. The running theme in House of Cards is that sure, the President is a big deal but how much power does he really have? Isn't it more powerful to be in other positions, where deals are actually made, bribery and blackmail run rampant? Who really elects the President, us? Or is it really all rigged for reasons we can't understand? The argument can be made that's actually a reality given our current President was elected based on the electoral college yet lost the popular vote by millions- is there any point to voting? It's a really depressing way to look at American politics, especially given the current climate we're in right now, so if that isn't your jam or you just can't absorb any more of that in your life? Avoid this book. If you like to entertain a conspiracy theory, believe that true politics lie within the closed doors of the nation's capital, then this is your book.
So in this book we have Julian Mellow, who is the villain of the story, much like Kevin Spacey's character in House of Cards. He's determined to essentially buy the next President of the United States and make him a puppet in his larger plans of avenging his son's death in Africa. He has a shady history himself and once others figure out what he's doing they come in to "save the day" but they have their motives too. I can't really give you more without giving away some key plot points in the story that you really need to read in order for it all to unravel the way it's meant to.
Here's what I liked: if you are a fan of HoC you know that the characters have a plan, a backup, a backup to the backup, etc and can seemingly switch direction at the drop of the dime and it all still works- that's what we have here. No matter what is happening it seems like Julian is always a few steps ahead, every move has a purpose and has fingers grabbing onto other directions he could go at any moment. For that alone it's a fast read because it is action packed, there is quite a bit of violence in the book, but you find yourself not putting it down because it's just always moving forward. Oh! One of my favorite characters from HoC is the journalist out to uncover the story, he knows there is a larger game at play and ends up going to prison in the show. In this book that character is Zach and though he isn't totally the same, there were enough similarities for me to get excited about him in here. Aside from the violence (which I'm finding is a sticky thing for me as of late, I'm not sure why it bothers me, to be honest) this book teeters on the impossible. I'm sure some of this could happen. Maybe. But I am not a conspiracy theory buff, I don't think the government gives a hoot about us and I don't think they track us like people believe, so I'm not one to grab a political thriller normally. I firmly believe that if you ARE a political thriller fan, if you think there are larger things at work behind the government, you will very much enjoy this book. Overall? I'm giving it a 3.5/5 stars. Not quite up to a 4, but no less than a 3.
Presidents' Day - Seth Margolis
From the author of The Semper Sonnet and Losing Isaiah comes a tautly plotted political thriller, perfect for fans of the Netflix series 'House of Cards, ' where being President is the second most powerful job in the world-behind the person who put you there.
I need to admit that I signed up for this review simply because I really like House of Cards and this is thought to be in that similar vein. It's a political thriller and I can see why there are also Dan Brown comparisons, he isn't really a political thriller author but this book also has the larger than you can imagine, big picture story. The running theme in House of Cards is that sure, the President is a big deal but how much power does he really have? Isn't it more powerful to be in other positions, where deals are actually made, bribery and blackmail run rampant? Who really elects the President, us? Or is it really all rigged for reasons we can't understand? The argument can be made that's actually a reality given our current President was elected based on the electoral college yet lost the popular vote by millions- is there any point to voting? It's a really depressing way to look at American politics, especially given the current climate we're in right now, so if that isn't your jam or you just can't absorb any more of that in your life? Avoid this book. If you like to entertain a conspiracy theory, believe that true politics lie within the closed doors of the nation's capital, then this is your book.
So in this book we have Julian Mellow, who is the villain of the story, much like Kevin Spacey's character in House of Cards. He's determined to essentially buy the next President of the United States and make him a puppet in his larger plans of avenging his son's death in Africa. He has a shady history himself and once others figure out what he's doing they come in to "save the day" but they have their motives too. I can't really give you more without giving away some key plot points in the story that you really need to read in order for it all to unravel the way it's meant to.
Here's what I liked: if you are a fan of HoC you know that the characters have a plan, a backup, a backup to the backup, etc and can seemingly switch direction at the drop of the dime and it all still works- that's what we have here. No matter what is happening it seems like Julian is always a few steps ahead, every move has a purpose and has fingers grabbing onto other directions he could go at any moment. For that alone it's a fast read because it is action packed, there is quite a bit of violence in the book, but you find yourself not putting it down because it's just always moving forward. Oh! One of my favorite characters from HoC is the journalist out to uncover the story, he knows there is a larger game at play and ends up going to prison in the show. In this book that character is Zach and though he isn't totally the same, there were enough similarities for me to get excited about him in here. Aside from the violence (which I'm finding is a sticky thing for me as of late, I'm not sure why it bothers me, to be honest) this book teeters on the impossible. I'm sure some of this could happen. Maybe. But I am not a conspiracy theory buff, I don't think the government gives a hoot about us and I don't think they track us like people believe, so I'm not one to grab a political thriller normally. I firmly believe that if you ARE a political thriller fan, if you think there are larger things at work behind the government, you will very much enjoy this book. Overall? I'm giving it a 3.5/5 stars. Not quite up to a 4, but no less than a 3.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Moonlight Over Manhattan
I know Christmas is right around the corner, but this would be SUCH a good book to read over the holiday break. Truly. If you are avoiding family, aren't interested in last minute shopping, or (worse) the day after Christmas shopping, I suggest you unplug the phone, turn the TV off, and cuddle up with a book. This book.
I have read a couple others in this series and I think I've mentioned it before, but these always feel like Hallmark movies waiting to happen. If you love Christmas novels, or just really sweet romances that don't involve whips and spreader bars, this is the series for you.
Alright, so this book begins with Harriet, who I absolutely adored. It starts with her on a really awful blind date, and she's sneaking out of a restaurant's bathroom window to escape the guy. Honestly? The fact she's doing this would make her my new best friend. But during her escape she kind of hurts her ankle, and she's a professional dog walker so she needs to be able to walk, so she goes to the ER just to have it checked out.
Enter Ethan. Hunky doctor who has learned to shut his emotions off and just treat patients. He sees Harriet and assumes she's looking for medication, can't figure out if she's truly that genuine and sweet, but she's gone before much thought goes into it.
BUT!
Ethan (very reluctantly) agrees to watch his sister's dog, Madi, while she handles a family crisis, and he has no idea that his sterile life is going to be turned upside down. It feels like fate is lining everything up just right because Harriet is Madi's dog walker, and he realizes he's not equipped to care for a dog like Madi, so he proposes that Harriet live in his apartment to care for this dog because he is hardly home. Normally Harriet would never agree to this, but she's on a personal mission to push herself to do things outside of her normal so she agrees because this is something Old Harriet would never even consider. Ethan and Harriet quickly fall for each other, and the rest of the story is just really sweet and perfect.
If you love chick lit, sweet romance, a female lead you can relate to, and a male lead who is likable, this is your next read. No question. This is part of a series but they are all stand-alone, and I really think you are going to enjoy the others so it's maybe worth ordering more than one because they aren't very expensive at all. There is also a really fun giveaway with this book (see below) that's always worth entering, you just might win!
Moonlight Over Manhattan - Sarah Morgan
She'll risk everything for her own Christmas miracle...
Determined to conquer a lifetime of shyness, Harriet Knight challenges herself to do one thing a day in December that scares her, including celebrating Christmas without her family. But when dog walker Harriet meets her newest client, exuberant spaniel Madi, she adds an extra challenge to her list--dealing with Madi's temporary dog sitter, gruff doctor Ethan Black, and their very unexpected chemistry.
Ethan thought he was used to chaos, until he met Madi--how can one tiny dog cause such mayhem? To Ethan, the solution is simple--he will pay Harriet to share his New York apartment and provide twenty-four-hour care. But there's nothing simple about how Harriet makes him feel.
Ethan's kisses make Harriet shine brighter than the stars over moonlit Manhattan. But when his dog-sitting duties are over and Harriet returns to her own home, will she dare to take the biggest challenge of all--letting Ethan know he has her heart for life, not just for Christmas?
I have read a couple others in this series and I think I've mentioned it before, but these always feel like Hallmark movies waiting to happen. If you love Christmas novels, or just really sweet romances that don't involve whips and spreader bars, this is the series for you.
Alright, so this book begins with Harriet, who I absolutely adored. It starts with her on a really awful blind date, and she's sneaking out of a restaurant's bathroom window to escape the guy. Honestly? The fact she's doing this would make her my new best friend. But during her escape she kind of hurts her ankle, and she's a professional dog walker so she needs to be able to walk, so she goes to the ER just to have it checked out.
Enter Ethan. Hunky doctor who has learned to shut his emotions off and just treat patients. He sees Harriet and assumes she's looking for medication, can't figure out if she's truly that genuine and sweet, but she's gone before much thought goes into it.
BUT!
Ethan (very reluctantly) agrees to watch his sister's dog, Madi, while she handles a family crisis, and he has no idea that his sterile life is going to be turned upside down. It feels like fate is lining everything up just right because Harriet is Madi's dog walker, and he realizes he's not equipped to care for a dog like Madi, so he proposes that Harriet live in his apartment to care for this dog because he is hardly home. Normally Harriet would never agree to this, but she's on a personal mission to push herself to do things outside of her normal so she agrees because this is something Old Harriet would never even consider. Ethan and Harriet quickly fall for each other, and the rest of the story is just really sweet and perfect.
If you love chick lit, sweet romance, a female lead you can relate to, and a male lead who is likable, this is your next read. No question. This is part of a series but they are all stand-alone, and I really think you are going to enjoy the others so it's maybe worth ordering more than one because they aren't very expensive at all. There is also a really fun giveaway with this book (see below) that's always worth entering, you just might win!
Monday, December 18, 2017
Hot In Aruba
I first learned of Marissa Campbell way back when her debut novel, Avelynn, came out. A historical romance, not typically a favorite in my wheelhouse, won me over immediately. The sequel was also good, but not as good as the first for me, but still- Marissa has a special writing talent that makes it hard to not enjoy what she gives you. Imagine my surprise when her third book was introduced as a romance, but set in modern time, promising hot sex in Aruba?
You don't need me to tell you that I was completely sold. I love following her on social media and as soon as I saw review copies were ready- I jumped at the chance. I wanted to see if she could be a hit outside of historical romance and she is. I liked this book even more than Avelynn.
I'm not sure where to start with this, but I also don't want to give too much away and ruin it for you. So we have Samantha, comes from a drug addicted mother, dad is long gone (or is he??), has a terrible record with guys, and is your typical do-it-for-myself kind of gal. Enter Carlos, going to law school even though he doesn't want to be a lawyer, family is wealthy, he wants to be a musician. He's talented and is on the cusp of signing a music deal but he really wants Samantha. She has put him firmly in the friend zone, but he's sure if he had the chance, he could win her over.
Enter Carlos' brother's wedding in Aruba. Carlos invites Sam instead of his pretend girlfriend in Italy (See? I can't give too much away about this without ruining it!), his friends find out what's going on, his family finds out, shenanigans happen, all hell breaks loose, miscommunication all around, someone dies, and a great ending. How's that for vague? In between all of it we have Sam reluctantly falling for Carlos, Carlos already head over heels for Sam, some hot sexy times proving Spanish/Italian men do it best, and in the end, a sweet romance any of us would be totally jealous of. Marissa manages to take a story from textbook to fairy tale in 306 pages. It was pretty great. I wanted more with Sam and Carlos, I didn't want it to end. Also? I may or may not have added cave sex to my bucket list. Just saying.
All great stories come to end but it doesn't mean there can't be a sequel! I'm thinking...Lora and Paul? It would be GREAT. Maybe they can go to Jamaica or something. No! Maybe they go to to Carlos and Samantha's wedding in... somewhere that speaks Spanish! YES. Lora feels like a spitfire, this could be amazing.
Sigh.
Overall? I'm actually going to give this one 5 stars. You know I don't throw these out willy nilly, but I absolutely loved this book, I loved the romance AND the drama, it played out as the best, "you'll never believe THIS" story you'd share with girlfriends comparing who had the worst blind date experience. This would win it. Easily. I highly recommend this is you are in the mood for a good romance that will make you wish you were on an island.. or anywhere it isn't winter.
You don't need me to tell you that I was completely sold. I love following her on social media and as soon as I saw review copies were ready- I jumped at the chance. I wanted to see if she could be a hit outside of historical romance and she is. I liked this book even more than Avelynn.
Hot In Aruba - Marissa Campbell
Vulnerability is Samantha Mackay’s kryptonite, and she keeps her emotions—and her men—at arm’s length. But when her good friend Carlos Naldini invites her on an all-expense-paid trip to Aruba, her resolve waivers.
Tired of being relegated to the friend zone, Carlos enacts his foolproof plan, inviting Samantha to join him in Aruba, hoping the trip to paradise will soften her reluctant heart.
Samantha agrees to Carlos’s proposal, giving him exactly ten days to prove he’s boyfriend material. After some wild Aruba nights and hot, sexy days, things appear to be progressing swimmingly, until Carlos’s ex-girlfriend arrives, exposing an intricate web of deception and betrayal. When news from home shatters Samantha's hopes further, she leaves Aruba, giving up on her dreams of happily ever after. Devastated, Carlos is determined to do whatever it takes to bring Samantha back to Aruba and into his arms.
Secrets, lies, and heartbreak lurk in the shadows behind sunshiny days of sex on the beach, cocktails by the pool, laughter, and friends. It’s getting hot in Aruba—but the sparks might just consume them.
I'm not sure where to start with this, but I also don't want to give too much away and ruin it for you. So we have Samantha, comes from a drug addicted mother, dad is long gone (or is he??), has a terrible record with guys, and is your typical do-it-for-myself kind of gal. Enter Carlos, going to law school even though he doesn't want to be a lawyer, family is wealthy, he wants to be a musician. He's talented and is on the cusp of signing a music deal but he really wants Samantha. She has put him firmly in the friend zone, but he's sure if he had the chance, he could win her over.
Enter Carlos' brother's wedding in Aruba. Carlos invites Sam instead of his pretend girlfriend in Italy (See? I can't give too much away about this without ruining it!), his friends find out what's going on, his family finds out, shenanigans happen, all hell breaks loose, miscommunication all around, someone dies, and a great ending. How's that for vague? In between all of it we have Sam reluctantly falling for Carlos, Carlos already head over heels for Sam, some hot sexy times proving Spanish/Italian men do it best, and in the end, a sweet romance any of us would be totally jealous of. Marissa manages to take a story from textbook to fairy tale in 306 pages. It was pretty great. I wanted more with Sam and Carlos, I didn't want it to end. Also? I may or may not have added cave sex to my bucket list. Just saying.
All great stories come to end but it doesn't mean there can't be a sequel! I'm thinking...Lora and Paul? It would be GREAT. Maybe they can go to Jamaica or something. No! Maybe they go to to Carlos and Samantha's wedding in... somewhere that speaks Spanish! YES. Lora feels like a spitfire, this could be amazing.
Sigh.
Overall? I'm actually going to give this one 5 stars. You know I don't throw these out willy nilly, but I absolutely loved this book, I loved the romance AND the drama, it played out as the best, "you'll never believe THIS" story you'd share with girlfriends comparing who had the worst blind date experience. This would win it. Easily. I highly recommend this is you are in the mood for a good romance that will make you wish you were on an island.. or anywhere it isn't winter.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
16 months
I have decided that it's really strange for me to measure Lucy's age and know that it's the same measurement of my AFE recovery. Two very different things, seemingly going in opposite directions, and it's always bittersweet. I suppose maybe when she's 20 or something it won't feel like such a big deal? Maybe. I'm not really sure, I guess. Some times it seems like it's been no time at all because my sense of time isn't like everyone else's, and then other days I feel like surely it has to be longer than this, right?
Nope. Lucy is officially 16 months old as of December 1. She's basically the same age as Penelope was when she was born. I might be a month off.... I can't really remember. So that's bizarre, too. To think I had a newborn at the same time as a 16 month old? I can't even wrap my head around it. It's maybe OK that I have no memories of that time. Then I think maybe that's why Penelope is SUCH a challenge? Maybe having to fight for attention is why she's a bear almost every day all day? I'm not sure.
But let's talk about 16 months.
Lucy is actually a great listener. If you tell her to sit down, by god that girl will sit down. She sits for story time, she sits when a "show" comes on, and if I'm bringing a new activity and tell them to sit down, she goes right to the rug and plops down. She's going to be a teacher's DREAM some day.
Lucy absolutely LOVES to take things out of containers and try to get in. The drawers of the ottoman hold DVD's and every single day she takes them all out for the sake of taking them out.
She's always up for an adventure, which is great because Penelope has her be her partner in crime. On this particular day they were looking for Penelope's shadow. If you ask Lucy where something is, she will ALWAYS drop down and look under the ottoman first, apparently she thinks that is the Bermuda Triangle of lost things.
She still loves me the best. Every day for nap she wants me to rock her and I have to sing to her and Penelope. You have to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Itsy Bitsy Spider, and You Are My Sunshine, 5 times EACH (minimum) before they will go to sleep. As soon as I walk into her room and give her the pacifier, she lays her head right on my chest and assumes the position by tucking her feet and hands under her. It's pretty adorable.
Lucy is easily the BEST baby ever. No question. This girl loves everyone, she loves to be cuddled, loves to read books, plays quietly by herself, and you can tell she's just a gentle soul.
Lucy is always happy. Even when she's the crabbiest baby, she's still happy. You can still make her smile and laugh. It's so rare that she's so cranky you beg for bedtime. Penelope is like that all day every day, but not Lucy. She's very go with the flow.
Her favorite thing? These dumb My Little Pony glasses we got in a McDonald's Happy Meal. We have two pairs and I swear, it's her most prized possession. She loves them and will bring them to you to put them on her. She hasn't totally figured out that she can do it herself, she wants someone else to. Then she looks at you with this cheesy grin and she's just so damn happy about it. It's hard to be depressed around her. She really is everything good in my life. Everybody loves Lucy.
Nope. Lucy is officially 16 months old as of December 1. She's basically the same age as Penelope was when she was born. I might be a month off.... I can't really remember. So that's bizarre, too. To think I had a newborn at the same time as a 16 month old? I can't even wrap my head around it. It's maybe OK that I have no memories of that time. Then I think maybe that's why Penelope is SUCH a challenge? Maybe having to fight for attention is why she's a bear almost every day all day? I'm not sure.
But let's talk about 16 months.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
It shouldn't be this hard.
I have made it no secret that Lucy was very much an oopsie baby. We were taking precautions and none of it actually mattered because my uterus hates me. Maybe she just likes to be busy, I don't know. Lucy is 100% our last baby, that is the plan. Matt has had his vasectomy and they are 75% sure I can't get pregnant if I wanted to because of the tremendous blood loss to my ovaries and also not having any hormones, those are important things. But that means there was the 25% maybe and if Lucy could slip through that teeny tiny window, god knows triplets or something would make it in that 25%. So Matt had the vasectomy because we wanted to make DAMN SURE a fifth baby cannot happen.
So no more babies. We knew that. I know that. I do. I can't remember anything from yesterday but I vividly remember agreeing to no more babies. Done. No more.
Which makes my recent feelings about that really bizarre to me. I remember being sad when we got rid of all of the baby things after Jackson, I definitely did not feel done after him. This time, I feel done. I do. I think. I mean, I guess I don't remember if what I feel now is different back then, but it's really tough.
In the back of my head I had this wiggly, random angry feeling about being done. It's one thing to be done on your own terms, but being told I am done from a medical standpoint? That bothers me. It feels like a parent telling a kid no and they've got that look in their eye when you know they are going to do it anyways. It's just like that. Part of me wants to get pregnant and be like, "SCREW YOU, I can totally get pregnant!" and the other part of me is so damn relieved I don't have to do it again. I never have to deal with the fear of delivery and wondering what if.
Then there are days like today, where I'm trying to clean and organize, and it's not going well. I was getting angry with myself because I don't have the ability to do things like I once could, and I decide that now is the time to clean the cupboard with toddler dishes.
So I lined all of the bottles up and the mesh feeder and I started crying. Crying so hard I almost couldn't breathe. It felt like the biggest punch to my gut, a visual realization that this is really it. Then when I realized that I don't remember any of Lucy's firsts, or what it was like to snuggle her newborn self, the sound of her first laugh, her perfect baby smell, how soft her first hair was, or what she felt like on my chest? I can't remember what it was like to feel her kick in my stomach, or rub my belly, the excitement of labor and knowing she was coming. I cried like someone had died. On my kitchen floor. Alone. I cried and I cried.
I am so angry that all of those moments, especially profound since she is my last, are gone. They have been stolen from me and I can't ever get them back. Worse yet? I have no memory of any of my kids. The only "memories" I have are like actual snapshots in my head. Like the pictures in their baby books is what I have and I know it must have happened because I'm in the photos. I don't have that with Lucy. I don't know what it was like to hold her for the first time, and I imagine I must have felt a lot of things considering I had died.
Matt said he was told that one of the medications they had given me at some point would basically make me not remember the event and subsequent pain, but they didn't know if I'd have any other memory loss- it's kind of a toss up. And in hindsight, know how much is gone, I would give anything to have it all back. I would have taken the horrific pain for these memories. But I know in the split seconds they had, the medical team thought this was best. I can't fault them for that, I would have made the same call if someone asked me to make that kind of decision for someone else.
I imagine this is what it maybe feels like to have dementia or the beginning of Alzheimer's, there are lots of things you don't remember and you don't remember what you don't remember. If you ask me a direct question, I probably can't answer it, but if I'm not trying to remember, some times it just pops through my head. Like in the dark, until your eyes adjust your peripheral vision is better than looking straight ahead- that's how my brain is. I know the information is there but if I try to remember in a really roundabout way, I can do it. Ask me to recall information right away? Nope.
So that's where I'm at. I am slowly ridding the house of baby things and it's killing me. The crib will likely come out this weekend and I know I am going to be a mess. I know it. I'm scared. I feel like there isn't ever going to be a good time to do it and maybe I need to just rip it off like a bandage. All of my doctors and therapist tell me it's normal to be angry and sad. To have unexpected triggers and it's OK to cry. I don't have to apologize for it, I just need to get myself to the next moment. It all passes, even the moments when it hurts so bad it feels like a tangible pain. I would never wish this on anyone. Never, ever.
So no more babies. We knew that. I know that. I do. I can't remember anything from yesterday but I vividly remember agreeing to no more babies. Done. No more.
Which makes my recent feelings about that really bizarre to me. I remember being sad when we got rid of all of the baby things after Jackson, I definitely did not feel done after him. This time, I feel done. I do. I think. I mean, I guess I don't remember if what I feel now is different back then, but it's really tough.
In the back of my head I had this wiggly, random angry feeling about being done. It's one thing to be done on your own terms, but being told I am done from a medical standpoint? That bothers me. It feels like a parent telling a kid no and they've got that look in their eye when you know they are going to do it anyways. It's just like that. Part of me wants to get pregnant and be like, "SCREW YOU, I can totally get pregnant!" and the other part of me is so damn relieved I don't have to do it again. I never have to deal with the fear of delivery and wondering what if.
Then there are days like today, where I'm trying to clean and organize, and it's not going well. I was getting angry with myself because I don't have the ability to do things like I once could, and I decide that now is the time to clean the cupboard with toddler dishes.
I am so angry that all of those moments, especially profound since she is my last, are gone. They have been stolen from me and I can't ever get them back. Worse yet? I have no memory of any of my kids. The only "memories" I have are like actual snapshots in my head. Like the pictures in their baby books is what I have and I know it must have happened because I'm in the photos. I don't have that with Lucy. I don't know what it was like to hold her for the first time, and I imagine I must have felt a lot of things considering I had died.
Matt said he was told that one of the medications they had given me at some point would basically make me not remember the event and subsequent pain, but they didn't know if I'd have any other memory loss- it's kind of a toss up. And in hindsight, know how much is gone, I would give anything to have it all back. I would have taken the horrific pain for these memories. But I know in the split seconds they had, the medical team thought this was best. I can't fault them for that, I would have made the same call if someone asked me to make that kind of decision for someone else.
I imagine this is what it maybe feels like to have dementia or the beginning of Alzheimer's, there are lots of things you don't remember and you don't remember what you don't remember. If you ask me a direct question, I probably can't answer it, but if I'm not trying to remember, some times it just pops through my head. Like in the dark, until your eyes adjust your peripheral vision is better than looking straight ahead- that's how my brain is. I know the information is there but if I try to remember in a really roundabout way, I can do it. Ask me to recall information right away? Nope.
So that's where I'm at. I am slowly ridding the house of baby things and it's killing me. The crib will likely come out this weekend and I know I am going to be a mess. I know it. I'm scared. I feel like there isn't ever going to be a good time to do it and maybe I need to just rip it off like a bandage. All of my doctors and therapist tell me it's normal to be angry and sad. To have unexpected triggers and it's OK to cry. I don't have to apologize for it, I just need to get myself to the next moment. It all passes, even the moments when it hurts so bad it feels like a tangible pain. I would never wish this on anyone. Never, ever.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Axel
I'm going to preface this by saying I have not ordered the rest of this series yet, but they are all in my Amazon shopping cart and I think I'll be able to get them Wednesday. I don't want to get presumptuous, but I think that will be what I'm doing next weekend.
I'm going to start by being honest and saying the cover didn't scream "drop everything and read me right now", but I picked it over everything else because it wasn't very long and I'm desperate to hit my Goodreads reading goal. I've got to seriously kick it up a notch if I'm going to make it. Gulp.
I also need to say that while I'm going to give this book 4/5 stars, it's 100% because the sex scenes are good and Axel is pretty damn hot. Isabelle (Izzy) is literally one of the worst characters ever. Imagine the most sensitive damsel in distress, incapable of functioning like a mature adult, whose only solution to a tough day is to get out of control drunk, and you've started describing Izzy. She's literally the worst. I actually almost tossed the book because I did not like her at ALL. Not even a little bit, not even when I heard her story (as tragic as it is), and I just thought- Izzy is actually really stupid.
The book centers around Izzy and Axel, high school sweethearts. He's off for the Marines, and she's vowed to wait for him. He had a chance to advance in the Marines, her parents die, she moves, and they lose contact. No wait, Izzy tries to keep in touch by sending letters to his foster parents which any reasonable moron would know would NEVER pass them onto him, and he would never visit. I mean, you're stupid, Izzy. So they are apart 12 years.
Well in those years Izzy gets married to Brandon, classic abusive husband. Their relationship fails after a particularly violent incident, but he's still harassing her so she reaches out to her friend Dee and her brother, Greg for help. Greg enlists his friend Reid to help but WAIT!!
Reid IS AXEL!
Holt Axel Reid is out of the Marines and is operating a successful security business. When he discovers the woman with the abusive husband is HIS Izzy? Shit goes to hell quick.
I feel like it was all a little to quick the whole "forgive and let's sleep and be together" thing, but I'm looking for a fast read so that's fine. It's a good introduction for the series, which I'm hoping to buy later this week, and I'm hoping the author has worked out some of the kinks in her writing style. There are parts of the book that you can tell she wanted to expand and maybe she didn't know how or maybe it got cut out during editing, but the ending felt really rushed for me. I wanted more with Brandon (the crazy ex), but at least he isn't a loose string in the plot line. Axel himself was maybe the best part of the book and he made the entire thing readable.
Axel - Harper Sloan
Fate hasn’t always been friends with Isabelle West. In fact, fate has been a downright bitch.
Isabelle has learned the hard way how hard life can be when fate isn’t by your side. It can hand you dreams on silver platters, but it can snatch them right back and hand you nightmares. One thing Isabelle knew for sure fate was consistent with was taking away everything she ever loved.
For the last two years Isabelle has been slowly clearing the clouds of her past. Happiness is finally on the horizon. She has a thriving business, great friends, and her life back. All she has to do is jump over the last hurdle…her ex-husband.
When problems start causing her to fear her new life, and memories that are better left forgotten start rushing to the surface the last thing she needs is a ghost from her past to come knocking on her door.
Axel never thought he would look into the eyes of Isabelle West again, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to now. He’s carried his anger for so long he isn’t sure he can just turn it off, but when he is faced with protecting her and an unexpected desire to have her again, life gets a little more complicated.
How will Axel and Isabelle deal when all their cards are put on the table and everything they thought was true blows up in their faces?
I'm going to start by being honest and saying the cover didn't scream "drop everything and read me right now", but I picked it over everything else because it wasn't very long and I'm desperate to hit my Goodreads reading goal. I've got to seriously kick it up a notch if I'm going to make it. Gulp.
I also need to say that while I'm going to give this book 4/5 stars, it's 100% because the sex scenes are good and Axel is pretty damn hot. Isabelle (Izzy) is literally one of the worst characters ever. Imagine the most sensitive damsel in distress, incapable of functioning like a mature adult, whose only solution to a tough day is to get out of control drunk, and you've started describing Izzy. She's literally the worst. I actually almost tossed the book because I did not like her at ALL. Not even a little bit, not even when I heard her story (as tragic as it is), and I just thought- Izzy is actually really stupid.
The book centers around Izzy and Axel, high school sweethearts. He's off for the Marines, and she's vowed to wait for him. He had a chance to advance in the Marines, her parents die, she moves, and they lose contact. No wait, Izzy tries to keep in touch by sending letters to his foster parents which any reasonable moron would know would NEVER pass them onto him, and he would never visit. I mean, you're stupid, Izzy. So they are apart 12 years.
Well in those years Izzy gets married to Brandon, classic abusive husband. Their relationship fails after a particularly violent incident, but he's still harassing her so she reaches out to her friend Dee and her brother, Greg for help. Greg enlists his friend Reid to help but WAIT!!
Reid IS AXEL!
Holt Axel Reid is out of the Marines and is operating a successful security business. When he discovers the woman with the abusive husband is HIS Izzy? Shit goes to hell quick.
I feel like it was all a little to quick the whole "forgive and let's sleep and be together" thing, but I'm looking for a fast read so that's fine. It's a good introduction for the series, which I'm hoping to buy later this week, and I'm hoping the author has worked out some of the kinks in her writing style. There are parts of the book that you can tell she wanted to expand and maybe she didn't know how or maybe it got cut out during editing, but the ending felt really rushed for me. I wanted more with Brandon (the crazy ex), but at least he isn't a loose string in the plot line. Axel himself was maybe the best part of the book and he made the entire thing readable.
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