The aftermath of suicide.

Recently I've learned of one person I know directly and one indirectly who chose suicide as a means to an end. Every time I hear of this I feel sad and sometimes, I feel relief for that person because I'd like to hope that whatever hurt them here in this realm is gone in the next and they are at peace. Finally.

Since my mental health journey began, I have struggled with my own suicidal thoughts and extensive counseling and copious medications have gotten me through to this point. It hasn't been easy and I'll be honest when I say people rally for you during a crisis but nobody wants to walk the dark walk of depression for you. And I get it. It's isolating, it's frustrating, it makes no sense, and it feels like you're going nowhere. Nobody really wants to know how you really are when they ask, "how are you?". Let's face it, when someone says, "I'm doing really awful but hey- I'm medicated.", you start to back away and look around for someone else to talk to. Nobody knows what to say and I think a lot of us recognize when someone is struggling but we choose to ignore it.

Then a person chooses suicide and suddenly we rally, because it's a crisis and it makes us feel good, and we say, "reach out to someone today", "be kind to someone today" and for what? For today? Because by the end of the week we'll still think of the person and feel sadness but we've gone back to our behaviors. Instead of reacting to a crisis we have to move our mentality to prevention. I'll be the first to tell you that, for me, the suicide prevention phone numbers are a joke. Hearing someone say, "we'd miss you", "you're loved", "I'm hear for you" didn't work either. For me I knew my journey began and ended with me and it was going to be me to pull myself out of the hole, nobody else. But it would have been nice for someone to give me a hug and validate my feelings. Because though you couldn't understand them, my feelings mean something and they are my truth, as distorted as they are.

I'm rambling. I guess I just feel frustrated that in the aftermath of suicide, everyone wants to rally and pretend that they had no clue. That they can't look back in hindsight and think... there wasn't one thing I could have done differently. The fact is there always is. You can always make time for people, you can always hold their hand. Offer support. Give them a hug. Take them to get counseling. Go with them. Call them nightly to check in. Don't let them retreat inside of themselves. It's hard WORK to walk with someone with depression, I know it is, but it has to be done. Not everyone can do it themselves.

I feel like I have a really unpopular opinion on suicide but I think that now comes from being on the edge myself. I know before I looked at suicide as a selfish solution and now it almost feels selfless, like I wouldn't be a burden anymore so really I'd be doing you all a favor. It's a very warped way of thinking and I can tell you it feels like waves of thought, it comes and it goes. But when it's here? It's awful. It's all consuming. It is a voice that doesn't shut off and it's a continual loop of all the reasons you shouldn't be here. So when I hear of someone who has chosen suicide, only a small part of me feels sad for everyone else, but a bigger part of me feels hope that they are finally at peace. I hope it's quiet wherever they are. I hope it's peaceful. I hope whatever troubled them here has disappeared and they can feel the happiness that eluded them here.

Book Review: Leading the Witness

You might recognize this book as being one of the ones I received in April in my book boxes.. and you'd be right. This one came in my April PageHabit box, and it's short, so I figured I could squeeze it in between review books!

Leading the Witness - Chantal Fernando

New York Times bestselling author Chantal Fernando “turns up the heat” (RT Book Reviews) in this steamy standalone novel when a divorce lawyer finds himself stuck between his client and the woman he desires—and soon he’ll be forced to choose sides.

Hunter Brayze doesn’t always like his clients but as the divorce attorney for Bentley & Channing Law, he doesn’t have to. So when he meets his latest client, even though he can’t stand the guy, let alone understand how any woman would ever marry him, he is still determined to win his case. But he never expects taking this client would turn his entire world upside down.

When he comes face to face with his client’s soon-to-be ex, he’s shocked to see Riley McMahon, owner of his local pub and the woman he’s wanted ever since he first laid eyes on her. He didn’t even know she was getting a divorce, and now he’s stuck defending the man who wants to screw Riley out of everything. Feeling like he’s betraying her, Hunter vows to settle this case as quickly as he can by any means possible. Because after months of flirting with Riley at the pub, and now knowing that she’ll soon be free, Hunter is determined to make her his.

But as the proceedings get messier and secrets are revealed, Hunter’s running out of tricks to keep both parties happy. And when someone sets Riley’s pub on fire, he can’t help but suspect his own client. Torn between his professional code of ethics and his intense connection with Riley, Hunter finds himself at a crossroads wondering whose interests he’ll ultimately protect.

So this book wasn't exactly as I was expecting but it was entertaining enough. Plus it really was a fast read so if you only like books you can get through quickly, this would be one of them. In this book we have stubborn beyond belief Riley, who isn't very smart in the total scheme of things, almost naive to a fault and we have Hunter, lawyer extraordinaire, who visits Riley's pub daily for lunch. Over time their attraction grows and when Riley finds herself getting a divorce, her horizon opens up.

Except Hunter is her ex's lawyer, and things get complicated.

This book wins in their dating area because Hunter is a pretty great character. He's a playboy turned good guy who knows what he wants and that's Riley. The book has a LOT of proposed drama, and I say proposed because it never fully gets off the ground. Sure, the divorce is a biggie but that's over before you know it. Then we have Hunter's sister and her maybe drug problem (which concludes but feels like a VERY unrealistic reaction from Hunter and rushed ending for the sister), we have old characters (from other books in the series I think) come in, new ones being introduced, and then a fire. It's a lot of plot in a short 260 pages.

My copy is from my PageHabit box so it came with annotations from the author throughout and those were kind of lame? In month's past we've had a LOT of annotations so you really knew why the author was doing what they were doing, a lot of additional information, and this one.. not so much. So that was kind of disappointing from a box standpoint. It almost makes the book feel like not much thought went into it and maybe that's affecting my rating of 3 stars. Maybe.

It would make a good summer read to throw in your beach bag.

   

Book Review: Flight Season

This was a hotly anticipated YA novel released in late winter and it's been on my shelf all this time and I hate that I couldn't get to it sooner!

Flight Season - Marie Marquardt

Back when they were still strangers, TJ Carvalho witnessed the only moment in Vivi Flannigan’s life when she lost control entirely. Now, TJ can’t seem to erase that moment from his mind, no matter how hard he tries. Vivi doesn’t remember any of it, but she’s determined to leave it far behind. And she will.

But when Vivi returns home from her first year away at college, her big plans and TJ’s ambition to become a nurse land them both on the heart ward of a university hospital, facing them with a long and painful summer together – three months of glorified babysitting for Ángel, the problem patient on the hall. Sure, Ángel may be suffering from a life-threatening heart infection, but that doesn’t make him any less of a pain.

As it turns out, though, Ángel Solís has a thing or two to teach them about all those big plans, and the incredible moments when love gets in their way. 

So this book has a fairly annoying main character, Vivi, that normally I wouldn't like and it would make me not want to finish the book. She's 100% clueless, she has no backbone, and she's just tough to love. The we have TJ, who I liked right away even if he was kind of a jerk to Vivi in the beginning. The two know each other, or TJ knows Vivi, because of a really stupid drunken night that Vivi can't remember (which is maybe OK) but TJ remembers it vividly. They find themselves together again at the same hospital as TJ finishes his practicum for nursing school and Vivi needs this internship if she plans to continue at Yale in the fall. It turns out Vivi is not cut out to be a doctor because of her weak constitution so she is paired to be an interpreter of sorts for Angel, gravely ill because of some sick turkeys.

The only thing about this book that knocks it for me is Vivi and I just couldn't grow to love her. I grew to tolerate her but I just didn't love her. What wins it for me is the story of her and TJ and together how they befriend Angel and what they do for him in the end. It looks at illegal immigration and in his dire circumstances I can't imagine someone being sent home when they are actively dying basically. The humanity part of that is just gripping.

Overall? I'm giving this one 4.5 stars and I absolutely loved it. I'm hoping my daughter enjoys it as much as I did.

   

Date Night with Jim Gaffigan

Way back for Christmas, one of the gifts I gave Matt was a date night out to see comedian Jim Gaffigan, who was coming to the arena near us. Almost nothing we're interested in comes here so when it does I try to go and support the arena in the hopes that more will come. I had no idea what kind of seats I was going to get because I couldn't remember if I had been to the newly remodeled one or not so I bought cheap seats and hoped for the best. 

Turned out to be a decent gamble because our seats were pretty great. I will say the screens were pretty blurry and if you were relying on those to see the stage you were likely to be disappointed. I don't know why the technicians didn't notice that and focus it in but whatever. 

We went out to dinner and was served by someone I know from  high school days, she gave us a discount, we gave her a good tip, and it was kind of nice to eat dinner and not worry about cutting up someone else's food. I think maybe people around us were like, "awkward date" because we hardly talked but it was SO NICE to eat in relative silence. Seriously, our house is so loud that any time we have to be in quiet we take it. Especially me. 

So after dinner we went to the show and of course, I smell popcorn and I'm all about it so I sent Matt to get popcorn and water for me and that's when I meet my new friend, Weird Guy. 

It literally doesn't matter what happens to me, my ability to attract weirdos does not fail. It just doesn't. This guy is telling me all about how he bought his tickets (two of them) on Craigslist but he has no friends so he has an extra ticket. Starts talking about how he took a nap since he was going to work right after this (mind you, he's drinking a beer and has one on the floor waiting for him) and then he asks if I'm single. 

Thank god Matt was coming down the stairs right then because I was done talking to strangers. You think the guy talks to Matt? Nope. But he thoroughly enjoyed himself the entire time and kept slapping Matt's arm to get a mutual acknowledgement that the joke was funny. That alone was funny.  

The opener was Ted Alexandro and I actually thought he was funnier than Jim Gaffigan, especially his erectile dysfunction bit- that was pretty hilarious. Jim was just kind of meh for me. It wasn't hilarious, his bit about the local "come back in summer" phrase (which we ALL say.. we say it to everyone) was pretty on point and funny but everything else was kind of blah for me. It wasn't funny enough to get more than a smile from me but it wasn't horrible either. 

Overall though? It was a pretty great night. Matt's parents babysat for us and that was nice of them to do (after Penelope's birthday party, no less), especially considering it took us forever to get out of the parking ramp! They got home so late and I felt bad. I'm hoping some more opportunities come for us to go do a date, it was fun being with just him again. It kind of highlighted that we need to do more outside of the kids because the kids are all we talk about. Which, no offense, I'm kind of sick of the kids some days, I don't want to talk about them when I'm away from them, you know? 

So I need date night ideas! 

Book Features: YA and MG love all around!

I get sent a lot of books and I can't possibly get through them all, but I want to share them with you because sometimes they are just so great, they deserve their own feature!

The Trials of Apollo: The Burning Maze

The formerly glorious god Apollo, cast down to earth in punishment by Zeus, is now an awkward mortal teenager named Lester Papadopoulos. In order to regain his place on Mount Olympus, Lester must restore five Oracles that have gone dark. But he has to achieve this impossible task without having any godly powers and while being duty-bound to a confounding young daughter of Demeter named Meg. Thanks a lot, Dad.

With the help of some demigod friends, Lester managed to survive his first two trials, one at Camp Half-Blood, and one in Indianapolis, where Meg received the Dark Prophecy. The words she uttered while seated on the Throne of Memory revealed that an evil triumvirate of Roman emperors plans to attack Camp Jupiter. While Leo flies ahead on Festus to warn the Roman camp, Lester and Meg must go through the Labyrinth to find the third emperor—and an Oracle who speaks in word puzzles—somewhere in the American Southwest. There is one glimmer of hope in the gloom-filled prophecy: The cloven guide alone the way does know. They will have a satyr companion, and Meg knows just who to call upon. . .  

If your kids are a fan of Rick Riordan's (most boys can get into these but girls love them, too), you absolutely need to get this series in their lives. I read the first one and it's so well written and full of adventure and suspense, this is the kind of book kids can really get into. 

Love & War 

1780. Albany, New York.

As the war for American Independence carries on, two newlyweds are settling into their new adventure: marriage. But the honeymoon's over, and Alexander Hamilton and Eliza Schuyler are learning firsthand just how tricky wedded life can be. Alex is still General George Washington's right-hand man and his attention these days is nothing if not divided--much like the colonies' interests as the end of the Revolution draws near. Alex & Eliza's relationship is tested further by lingering jealousies and family drama. 

The exciting follow up to last year's Alex & Eliza: A Love Story, full of romance and intrigue. If you are a Hamilton fan you absolutely need this book in your life. 

Emergency Contact

For Penny Lee high school was a total nonevent. Her friends were okay, her grades were fine, and while she somehow managed to land a boyfriend, he doesn’t actually know anything about her. When Penny heads to college in Austin, Texas, to learn how to become a writer, it’s seventy-nine miles and a zillion light years away from everything she can’t wait to leave behind.

Sam’s stuck. Literally, figuratively, emotionally, financially. He works at a café and sleeps there too, on a mattress on the floor of an empty storage room upstairs. He knows that this is the god-awful chapter of his life that will serve as inspiration for when he’s a famous movie director but right this second the seventeen bucks in his checking account and his dying laptop are really testing him. 

When Sam and Penny cross paths it’s less meet-cute and more a collision of unbearable awkwardness. Still, they swap numbers and stay in touch—via text—and soon become digitally inseparable, sharing their deepest anxieties and secret dreams without the humiliating weirdness of having to see each other.

I'm actually going to try to squeeze this one in between a couple of upcoming reviews because this has an interesting premise and could either be really great or meh.

April Book Boxes!

I got some great book boxes this month, I can't wait to show you! 

 First up is my Bookworm Box. If you remember I'm signed up for the two book box which has been really great and everyone gets random books so not every subscriber is going to get the same books. In my box I got Corinne Michaels Say You'll Stay and Tawna Fenske's At the Heart of It. The only downside is I already had Say You'll Stay, (review in that link) so I'm going to gift it to a friend and I hope she'll like it. Her birthday is coming up and we always exchange gifts so I'm going to make a self pampering gift for her. Anyways, the other book looks good too so I'm excited to get into it. We got the obligatory pen, a bookmark, and a popsocket!

I also got my PageHabit box which actually came ON TIME this month, so that was a nice treat. I got a fun pair of socks (wearing them today), an adorable pencil with cat eraser, a very cool reusable bag that folds into itself (in my purse now), a book mark, letter from the author, and Chantal Fernando's Leading the Witness as my book of the month. 

I have to start catching up on my reading because my shelf of these books is um... full. It's FULL so I need to read and donate, pass along, keep, or sell. Or maybe I'll do a giveaway, we'll see! 

The day our town almost blew up.

No, really, it almost did. 

It was Thursday, April 26, 2018. We live in Superior, Wisconsin, a little nothing town at the tip of Lake Superior, nothing to write home about. One thing we do have in town is a giant oil refinery. Everyone in town drives by it on occasion (us everyday) and growing up we've all had the, "if that ever went, we'd all be dead" conversation, but for the most part, nobody thinks about it. Nobody wishes it gone because it's probably the biggest employer in town and you know how that is. But on Thursday, pretty much the worst case scenario happened. 

Around 10 in the morning, my mom and I were outside with the little girls. It was a little breezy, pretty chilly, we weren't going to be out there very long. Just long enough for the littles to play on their new climber Matt and I bought in anticipation of having a fence this summer. 

 We were playing without a care in the world, they were having a great time. 

 It was just before we were set to come back into the house where out of nowhere, we heard this LOUD boom. Having no idea what it was, I thought maybe it was a huge crack of thunder or maybe train cars banging together, but it was just once so I didn't think anything about it. Then we started hearing sirens coming from every direction and I think my mom made an off remark about the refinery. 

 Turns out, there was a line explosion at the refinery and it was on fire. This is the view from my back yard at about 1p.m., right after I had gotten a phone call saying we were in the evacuation zone, followed up with a call saying my children were being evacuated from school to a nearby business and you could/should pick them up immediately. 

Matt went to get Olivia at the middle school and my mom went to get Jackson, but his school had already been evacuated since it's so close to the refinery, so she sat in traffic for two hours to get him. By the time they were home, both were shaken up and you can tell Olivia had been crying- they could see the massive amounts of smoke and she didn't know what to think. 

We decided that we'd wait it out instead of evacuating right away so we went to Duluth to kill some time.  

 These are just various pictures of our drive out of town. 

 Matt's work is less than a mile away from the refinery and he said it shook their entire building. 

 We decided we would go to the children's museum until dinner time since our membership is still valid, and that was a really great idea. 

 There was hardly anyone there so we had pretty much the whole place to ourselves. 

I thought for sure people would flock to places like this to kill some time. We went out to eat and saw a lot of friends who were in the same mindset at us, not sure if we should stay or go.  

At dinner there was another explosion and they had pulled back firefighters from the fire so they had started asking for police help from other surrounding communities to knock on doors and get people to leave. It was a city wide evacuation at this point, but our neighborhood and my mom's were the priority.  

 Our drive back was even stranger than the drive out. 

 Almost nobody was driving into Wisconsin (Duluth is in Minnesota) and I heard that they eventually shut off access into Wisconsin, but I don't know that for sure. 

 We decided we would go to Matt's parent's home for the night, as annoyed as Matt was. School was cancelled for the next day, Matt's work was closed the next day, and honestly, I'd rather be safe than sorry. 

 These next two pictures aren't mine but were on Facebook and I thought they were just really interesting in their perspective and scope. In this one you can see how huge the refinery is, it isn't Texas huge but it's pretty large for our little area. 

This is the road going into the refinery, we drive down this every day and it was just obliterated by the smoke. I mean, the road is still there but it looks like the end of days. 

We ended up coming home on Friday because the evacuation was lifted in the early morning, and I was just grateful we had a place to go that didn't cost us money. I wondered what people who didn't have the resources to get out did, and if they got any sleep that night. The aftermath has been actually pretty OK. Our water was safe to drink, they say our air and soil are fine too but I am a little doubtful on that myself. I've had a headache ever since but who knows, my body is not a very reliable barometer of things around me. 

Everyone is giving praise to the rescue and emergency personnel and to me, that's expected. That's your job and I'm grateful they can do it, but you know- it's your job. What I was most impressed with was the school. You hear schools get a lot of flack about not being ready in an emergency but our district was on it and once the evacuation call was made people were out of the buildings and on their way. I was really impressed with how much communication us parents had throughout the day and for not dealing in emergencies like this, they really had a well thought out plan. Parents were going all "mama bear" on Facebook and at the pick up area and it's like, calm down. I get it, we all handle stress in different ways, but I felt like the entire city had a plan and had things under control as much as they could. I wasn't worried and I would have been OK staying, I just worried that if the wind switched we'd be dealing with another crisis. Mother Nature is who I'm afraid of. 

Overall, what could have been a massive crisis turned out to be a memorable moment we'll likely all remember. Only a few were injured, thankfully nobody died. We all know people who work at the refinery so it would have been tragic for us all in a way.