Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I shouldn't be allowed to drive alone at night. Ever.

For those of you who are late to the game, I went to Lilith 2010 on Sunday with my friend Krysten. The concert was supposed to be a Canterbury but thank god it wasn't because I don't know where that is I don't think. Anyways.

The concert was at the Target Center, which I've been to about a gazillion times. Thankfully I got into the parking garage on my first attempt unlike every other time I've been there and somehow ended up near a men's shelter which you can assume how nice of a neighborhood that is. Anyways. I'm sure Krysten is happy I didn't take us that route either. So getting to the Target Center was pretty uneventful. I had heard that there was a lot of construction and honestly I didn't see any of it, so I figured it was done or at least finished for the season or something. I wasn't worried.

UNTIL.... dun dun dun....

I go to leave. As you leave the Target Center parking thing where I was, you automatically go left and over this little bridge thingy. No problem. And no matter what, my GPS, Maggie, ALWAYS gets confused when I leave the Target Center which means I'm circling until she figures out what the hell she's supposed to do. And usually this isn't an issue because I have other people with me who kind of know where we should go or are capable of reading road signs which I seem to not be able to do at 11pm . Whatever.

So I'm driving and driving and realize that Maggie is WAY confused. Like she's still in the parking ramp. So I make a left turn so I would end up driving towards the Target Center again when ALL OF A SUDDEN she starts DEMANDING that I go right. Fine- I'll go right. Whatever- just get me home hooker.

I drive on the freeway and I'm seeing signs for 35 North and I'm like "Go Maggie!" until.... dun dun dun.... the road is closed. It's taking me a different way telling me there are detours. Cool- so I'm looking for detour signs. Which you would expect when you are on a detour route-- you would like some god damn fucking SIGNS to tell you where you should go next.

Unfortunately, the budget cuts for the State of Minnesota mean that MnDOT can't afford these signs. So people who don't know their way around Minneapolis are left looking like jackasses. And by this I mean driving through the scariest parts of downtown Minneapolis. Near midnight. In a mini van with a "feel your boobies" bumper sticker. I'm like 99% sure I saw a drug deal happen right in front of me at a stop sign. Obviously a stop sign doesn't mean you stop for a full two minutes but I was not about to honk to indicate that I too, would like to go somewhere. Preferably home.

Once I got the complete tour of downtown Minneapolis, I got the tour of the outer circle of Minneapolis. All while trying eight different routes to get onto 35 North. I will say that Maggie tried and she tried hard to get me home. EVENTUALLY, I found a lone 35N detour sign, mostly covered by trees in the corner of somebodies yard, with a left arrow. I took a left and MIRACULOUSLY, 35 North appeared. I soon saw the exit for 694 or whatever and then I saw a big sign that said DULUTH. It was glorious. Had I not been so fucking exhausted from driving almost two hours around Minneapolis I would have made more of an effort to smile.

So I'm driving. I don't really remember my drive between White Bear Lake and Forest Lake because I'm pretty sure I blacked out from exhaustion. Thank god there were no other cars near me otherwise that could have been awful. So from Forest Lake to Hinckley it was an absolute struggle to stay awake. I altered between warm and cold air. I had the windows all down, windows all up. Music as loud as it would go. I had caffeine and I was chugging it non stop, bladder be damned. Nothing was working. After what seemed like forever, I get to Hinckley and have to pull off. I ended up peeing (a lot) while I was there, got some muffins, walked around the parking lot of Tobies. Then I saw that Hardees was open so I thought maybe if I ate something that would help.

Guess what is really disgusting to eat at 1:30 in the morning? Hardees. I took maybe 6 or 7 bites out of my big roast beef and promptly threw that out the window. Maybe deer would like it better? The fries were equally disgusting so those went out the other window. (But don't worry- I threw the wrappers out when I got home.)

And I pulled onto my street at exactly (from my scribbled note in the van) at 2:58 a.m. Whoopsy- I thought it was 2:30. Whatever- I was tired. I texted three people around 2:30 to say I was home, but now I remember that was as I was pulling into Superior- just over the bridge and waiting at the light. So it took me almost 4 hours to get home. I was getting home as Matt was getting ready for work.

The moral of my story? I am not going to be driving home from Minneapolis/St. Paul by myself unless I absolutely have no other possible option. It's too dangerous. I am much better with someone else in the car even though I'm exhausted. I? Am not young anymore. I've officially become an old person.


Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I'm just glad I wasn't the only one who was totally confused and whose GPS wasn't working - my GPS thought I was still in ROSEVILLE!! What?

I told Dustin he's just going to have to drive me to Maroon 5, lol. Which he would ALMOST agree to just so he doesn't have to deal with a freaked out Krysten in the middle of the night. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

My GPS sometimes gets confused too. I always make sure that it's configured to where I am first before I start driving. Sometimes it's still stuck on previous locations. Also- Target Center suuuucks. It's so smack dab in the middle of the cities it's ridiculous. I much prefer venues that are easier to get to. Xcel Center isn't bad though.

Good to hear you got home though!

Mr O said...

I've gotten lost in Atlanta before and I just drove in circles until I saw a blue sign. That would mean that I could somehow get on 85 and I would be home. And I swear I heard angels sing when I saw those signs.

I enjoyed this story, Edge of my seat stuff. I hate it when you go for the caffeine and it is just not there with you. Fortunately, Maggie was. You should get her a present.

Rebel Mel said...

Girly, get yourself some pepperspray! You'll feel a hundred times safer. Trust me, I got robbed at gunpoint and now? Don't leave home without my spray! Best investment I ever made.

Alpha Za said...

Atleast you made it home safe and sound.

I tend to space out when I drive, I eventually make it to my destination, so I think we all have an internal compass.

Annah said...

But you weren't alone... you were with Maggie :) lol. Love you crazy putica.

Ang said...

My God you make me laugh. Next time warn of funny stories so i can read them at home, not at work.

Anyhow - Minneapolis is a piece of pie. Detours suck though and I'm sorry that you had to deal with them (they are all over the great state right now).

AND... I am SO glad you included that you threw out the papers when you got home. I almost hated you.

Another David said...

one of my friends once asked why i refuse to buy a gps, to which i responded "why bother? i can get lost just fine on my own, thanks." true story.

this? is a perfect example of what i'm talking about.