Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Mouse CSI Crime Scene.

I'm going to start this post by telling you that you need to enter my GIVEAWAY otherwise you are a loser.

Then I'm going to tell you I have no pictures of the horrifying tale I'm about to tell you because:
  1. It was gruesome.
  2. I was throwing up.
  3. I couldn't even get near it without gagging.
Sorry. I'm pretty sure you don't want to see it anyways. It really was that bad. It was kind of like this:

But instead of one nice pile.. well.. let's tell the story first.

It was Friday morning. I was tired. It was approximately 7am when I heard Stumpy and Batman playing in my room. They are often stupid and loud and play with Matt's dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor so I think nothing of it.

At approximately 7:02, Olivia and Jackson appear in my doorway.

7:02 and 3 seconds Olivia starts screaming, "It's a mouse! A REAL MOUSE!" and both kids run to the couch, crying hysterically.

7:02 and 5 seconds, I get up, groggy, put my slippers on. Only to find that Stumpy was throwing a mouse around my room, not a balled up sock.

From there everything happened fast. First I saw what appeared to be the mouse's ass on my beige rug. Then I see copious amounts of mouse blood all over my freshly painted white closet doors. Then I see that there are organs on the door as well. Just like these:

Mouse parts are strewn about my bedroom floor. And I'm going to be honest- I fucking RAN to the kitchen sink and barfed for a solid minute. I'm not even kidding. I can't handle any kind of bodily fluids, guts, blood, I just can't.

I don't know how I'm even a mother, if we're being honest. It's a good thing Matt can deal with this because he's what I call Triple P cleanup (pee-poop-puke) and I swear one day he's getting a customized shirt.

But after puking I decided I had to assess the situation. I got Stumpy (who's face is covered in guts/blood) and Batman (who had mouse shit-I think-on his back feet) out of my room by pushing them with my foot and then closed the door.

I forgot to mention the absolute inhumane noises these cats were making. Seriously. It was this super bizarre low growl/hiss/meow thing and it was CREEPY.

Anyways. So once I had taken stock of the disgusting situation I was in, I decided there was no way in fuck I was going to clean that up. NO WAY. So obviously I call Matt. Several times. The first message was like, "Um, yeah. This is your wife. You need to take a break, an early lunch, SOMETHING and get your ass to the mother fucking house RIGHT NOW because we are in CRISIS MODE! CRISIS! THERE ARE BLOOD AND GUTS EVERYWHERE AND I THINK IT'S DEAD-OH MY GOD-*gag/cough* (kids screaming in background) and it's horrible. I CAN'T DO IT! So if you could just come home like right effing now for 5 minutes that'd be swell. JACKSON!!! SHUT THE..." *hang up call*

So then I sent a bunch of mayday texts to Matt telling him it's a big deal and I'm serious about it.

*He never responds because hey- his cell phone is in his vehicle.*

After about an hour I realize he isn't coming. I'm pissed off. I go into the crime scene because I need to get dressed. I decide I can't see the guts anymore, so I copied what you see on crime shows, got some kitchen towels and an oven mitt, put it over the guts so I couldn't see them. I got dressed and we got the hell out of the house because mouse guts smell after awhile.

I didn't come home until 3:30 and only after I got a text saying "safe to come home now" from Matt. He left work a half hour early to deal with the situation. And then told me I'm an absolute pussy. Um hi, I already know that. And he did too. I made it plain as day that I don't do gross cleanup. I just don't and won't. EVER.

The bad part, while he did get it all cleaned up, is that there is a stain on my closet door from what we believe are maybe the kidneys? Of course I can't really testify to that because I was pretty much throwing up in my own hand when I saw it, but if I had to guess it looked like what I think a kidney maybe would. So obviously we're painting the door. Again.

Meanwhile, Stumpy and Batman are walking around here like King Shits and attacking and subsequently killing ever dustball that goes by like absolute badasses.

And I still gag thinking about it.


Oilfield Trash said...

Look on the bright side, at least the animals killed it and that it didn't run across you or something. Because then you would have those guys from Outbreak in your house cleaning it all up.

middle child said...

Well, I don't think you handled it too badly. I mean, at least you didn't move to a different house, right?

Jennifer Kay said...

I would have put a for sale sign in the front yard and never looked back. How can you sleep in that room with all the kidney visions dancing in your head? Ugh.

Unknown said...

I'm the same way about some of that gross stuff. Our cat had one of those catty-hairball incidents yesterday, and I POLITELY reminded RH 4 times that she had done it and it needed cleaning up. Granted, I did the gist of diaper duty for 14 years, but if the kids get sick, that's his job.
I have no issues with blood and guts type stuff though, I can deliver babies and all that other ranch stuff which I won't mention because your tummy is still tumbling!!

Dana said...

Holy Crap. I don't even know what to say. I would not be able to handle that situation either. I could have done without the pictures here! :)

Josie said...

........................OH MY GOD!!!

Unknown said...

I laughed a lot. But props for them actually knowing what to do with a mouse. My little Weebs found one, and just squeaked at it and batted it around. I wanted to grab the mouse, open my cat's mouth and go EAT IT!!!

Oh, and in regard to the contest, WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jandy xx said...

oh my god, the other night i got home from work and there was blood on my hall floor.... two more steps theres the guts, two more theres something i dont even know what the eff it is! so i'm so with you here, so freaking with you!

Julie H said...

It's amazing all that comes out of a little mouse! I've been lucky so far and mine have all been whole. Actually whenever the cats get them (one in the last year) they haven't even killed them yet.

Seana said...

Oh my god, you poor, poor thing!

I know I wouldn't be able to stomach half of that! I would've been totally mentally gone for much longer!

But, at least the mouse didn't like have tons of buddies or anything.. :P


SpiritPhoenix said...

We had mice growing up. And 4 cats and a dog. All of whom loved to catch mice. But only one liked to eat them...well all but the kidneys and stomach. Talk about a real wake up call to look down, where you almost stepped, and see a miniature stomach. Ugh.

Never found anything else of a mouse...well besides the whole thing. He left one for me under my bed once. Didn't realize it until it started to smell. So gross.

Oh and one of the other cats caught a hummingbird. A mother fucking hummingbird and left it under my brother's bed.

Very gross.

Diane and Chad said...

This was just a visit from watching Dishes in the Dryer...hilarious!! and yucky!! and ewww!!
I came here cuz I have been to Tahquahmenon in Michigan!

Anonymous said...

I read this last night at work and was near gagging. I'm glad that first pic doesn't show up for me and that second one... um.... I'm just trying to not look at it. :)

Jen @ Dear Mommy Brain said...


I agree. Better dead than alive. My cat found one a few months ago but got all self-conscious when she knew I knew and I was all sitting in the recliner on edge for like 18 hours. Or 20 minutes. Whatever.

I know where they hide now. (In my oven??) It's on, bitch.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Eww gross!

My cats fortunately only kill things outside.

G said...

This makes me glad that we don't own a cat. I don't think the GF could deal with dead things in the's bad enough when she see's a spider. When we first started going out I had to drive for 2 hours to rescue her from a spider in her bedroom lol or at least that's what she said at the time.