Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder. It's a real thing, apparently.

I know that was kind of a long one and it was kind of rambling, but that's just how my brain works now. I can't really fix that. (Thanks, stroke!) But if you want to learn more about Depersonalization or Derealization Disorders, you can go HERE and HERE.

Like I said in my video, I am really struggling with this piece and I feel a mix of, "finally- it's a diagnosis!" and "are you kidding me- what ELSE is wrong with me?!". I mean, on one hand it's great to get a diagnosis because you can always work with that, you can find a fix or a way to cope with it. This kind of feels daunting because the big thing to fix this is talk therapy, but I've been doing that for two years and I just.. I feel GREAT going to that but I feel kind of stuck.

There is also EMDR or CBT therapies to help with PTSD available. What my insurance would cover... I'm not sure. My next concern is I've had a stroke, so I am really nervous about doing anything that might make post stroke symptoms worse or giving me another stroke. I have read a lot of information about both and it sounds safe but I don't know... something in my gut is telling me no. It might be paranoia but I feel like my body isn't stupid. I knew something was very wrong my entire pregnancy with Lucy and I blew it off and look where that got me.

I also mentioned in the video above that I have lost a lot of friends over the last two years. Honestly, I don't blame them. It's really hard to relate to me and I know I have a hard time being the friend that I used to be. I think you get used to someone being a certain way and then they aren't so you break up with them like you would a boyfriend or girlfriend. I get that.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I try to "reach out" but part of my issue, a big part of it, is I don't really know how to. I don't really know what I need to be better and I wonder if that makes it seem like I'm doing really well? I tell my therapist I try really hard to not let people see me struggle. I don't want to be seen as helpless, or stupid, or let people see me cry for no reason or wince in pain, all of it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

Then she asked me why not? If that's my reality, why am I hiding it?

I don't know if it's because it's a pride thing or if I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. Because I know I always felt awkward when someone was disabled in some way and its like, do you hold the door for them? Help them sit? Do you ask if they understand the menu? Like what do you do to be helpful without being rude and assume they can't help themselves?

Even with my family or the people who interact with me fairly often, I hide it. You don't see me cry a few tears in the bathroom because I just can't do it anymore. Or I'm just around the corner wincing in pain and breathing through it. Or I'm biting the inside of my cheek because my stomach hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Or I'm so physically exhausted walking my kid into preschool that I want to burst into tears. Or I'm so exhausted that I want to sleep the rest of the day and I'm desperate for someone to just take over for me. I can't call in sick. I have help and people I can call but I hate being dependent on people. I hate burdening them with my issues. They didn't ask for this. I didn't either, but it's my cross to bear.

So it is really hard. When I say I'm hanging in there, it's all of this and then some. I'm having a hard time juggling all of it with my appointments. I'll be honest and say there are times I'm SO EXHAUSTED by it all that when a doctor asks how I am I just say fine because where do I start? Every single thing is awful. I don't know what is worth mentioning, who I tell it to. No doctor wants that person to show up on their list that day. They must dread seeing my name come up. And I get it. I feel like a burden to medical people now, too.

So that's how things are going for me.


Do you have questions about any of it? I guess I can answer questions better than just blindly talking about stuff. You can ask here in the comments or shoot me an email: sarastrand9438 AT hotmail DOT com.


Unknown said...

I know that you are sick of hearing this - but I am glad you are here. Life is SO hard at times and for you, its all of the time. BUT - you are telling your story and it is helping people - including me. Maybe its to teach awareness, maybe its to inspire hope in others, and maybe its to help other people stop being fake and start being real.

I know that friendships have changed for you - but there are many of us that are here. We see you, we "get" you, and we love you even more than we used to.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Oh gosh, just another thing, right? That's probably how it feels at this point, but I'm with you on just wanting a diagnosis. It's something way worse dealing with symptoms but not knowing why or what to do. I hope that talk therapy does end up helping with this, as it sounds like it's something that could go away, which is a nice thought! I'm sorry about all the friends that have kind of walked away. Yes, it's easy to do when things are tough or you don't know what to do, but it's also not a very good friendship, you know? It's not your fault and I hate that you feel like you should hide what you go shouldn't! Not all the time at least! People who are around you should know these things and hopefully be able to learn ways to help or adjust. It's not a fake it until you make it kind of thing, you know? It's your life and you shouldn't have to always pretend it's okay. *hugs*


Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

I am glad you have a diagnosis because like you said, you can adapt and deal with it, but it doesn't mean it's easy or that anything is better. I am so glad you come here and share and help us all understand better. Like Heidi said above, we see you and we care. And I'm glad you're here. I'm a long distance support system over here. I'm always willing to listen!