Thursday, May 2, 2019

Stress. It's what's for every damn meal.

It's funny when I go to therapy and she asks me how have things been since my last visit. Normally I see her every other week so it's only like two weeks between visits so what could really  happen in that span consistently?

For me, a lot. Every single visit for the last week I tell her it's been bad and I'm struggling. I'm really getting tired of having a constant barrage of crap coming at me. Let's talk about what's on my plate:

  • Lucy's speech. It's going well and she actually seems to enjoy having him come twice a week. It stresses me out because having people in my house sends my anxiety through the roof so that's been awful. He now thinks she actually DOES have apraxia of speech and that's more serious than just a regular delay. 
  • Speaking of, we just set up her evaluation for the school district's speech people since she would need to transition to that when she's three, so that's at the very end of May. I didn't like the school (the person answering the phone was RUDE and started telling me some lady told her she isn't supposed to transfer people so she took a message but then decided to transfer me, it was a hot mess, and then the next person kept asking why I was calling and apparently, "I'm returning her call from 10:30 this morning, my daughter's name is Lucy" is not enough of a reason to warrant me calling.) Anyways. It's set up and I am telling you now, I really, really hope I can open enroll Penelope and Lucy because I do NOT want to end up at that school. Ugh. 
  • Gastroenterology. Well it looks like I'll be getting a repeat EGD and colonoscopy done at the end of May as well. Yes, I get to be probed in both ends at the same time, I can hardly wait. But I need the colonoscopy this time because he's "concerned" about some of my recent symptoms and my labs so that has me completely worried. 
  • Let's go back to Lucy. As of yesterday she has stopped walking. I know, weird, right? At first I thought maybe she bumped her leg or whatever but when she wasn't able to stand up all day? Something is very wrong. 
  • I feel like a lot of things are going into the calendar and I can't keep up with any of it. It feels every single day something is going on and knowing I'm obligated to something is stressing me out. 
  • My memory isn't doing great and my doctors say I shouldn't stay home and isolate myself, I need to push myself to go out of my comfort zone (within reason) and run my errands, go to dinners, and try to do things that make my working memory do its job. It's hard to do because when you know you are going to forget where you are, how you got there, what you're doing, how to pump gas, how to pay for something at a store, and you're forced to write your PIN on the front of your debit card because you might forget it, it's scary. It's actually terrifying and my first reaction is to stay home. But I can't because I'm losing it here and I can't handle this anymore. 
It's just a lot. God knows there's more but I'm not going to share it. I just... I'm exhausted. I feel like I keep getting things thrown at me and I just can't keep up anymore. I just want things to turn around. I want to be normal with easy problems and have not everything feel like a crisis. I'm just tired of it. 


So good news is dance is almost done so I'll get a little break at least. Tennis for Jackson will start soon though and he's excited about that. Olivia made it onto the 8th Grade Leadership Team, which is a big deal and she's been panicking about it for a few weeks now. She's beyond the moon excited and it's hard not to be excited with her. Penelope is THRILLED to almost be done with 3K because that means she's big enough for 4K and she's all about that. We're planning a small vacation to Branson and St. Louis, Missouri to cross that state off of our map but it looks like we won't be able to go until August. But that's OK. I'm trying to find deals and hotels for cheap but I've got time. 

I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of things going on it my head and I can't keep anything together. I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. 

1 comment:

Lauren said...

Oh wow, that's so weird about Lucy suddenly not walking. I hope everything works out okay - with that and speech! And that school sounds awful. Hopefully the girls won't have to go there. Ugh, people are so rude. When it comes to going out and doing things, any friends you can rope into doing it with you? It might make you feel less scared knowing someone is there and can help. I hope so at least!