Budgeting sucks, math is hard, and adulting blows.

As we enter the month of June I feel like I'm getting my ass handed to me by life and adulthood in general. We were doing really well with budgeting and then we had some pretty hard core expenses come at us.

• Lucy had to have an ECHO, and it turns out she's totally OK (yay!) but that was just over $3300, and we of course don't have that kind of money just laying around. 
• Our refrigerator died the day after I bought $300 worth of groceries. Because it somehow knows it, right? Fortunately it happens the day my dad just happened to be in town and my parents were able to finance one for us because we absolutely couldn't because we would literally be without a refrigerator even still. Not kidding. 
• I, very stupidly, mistakenly made my hotel reservation for my Mayo Clinic appointment for the wrong day and didn't realize it until the very last minute. I couldn't get a refund but I was (thankfully) still able to secure a room for the correct day, so I got to pay for the same room twice. 
• I didn't realize that an oil change without a coupon costs $80. Guess you won't ever forget the coupon EVER AGAIN? This gal. (I also won't ever go almost a year between oil changes either because as it turns out, I got the overly enthusiastic mechanic who lectured me the entire time. It really reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where the mechanic drives off with Jerry's car because of his lack of commitment to car care. I feel like had I gotten out of the van, that would have happened.) 
• I did not plan out summer activities well at all and so I am scrambling to have enough money for summer dance, summer birthday parties the kids go to, fun things, and the tennis class I wanted to sign Jackson up for. 
• We are going to Florida at the end of June, come hell or high water, and I'll be honest, I opened a credit card just to go. I KNOW. I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THIS IS. I don't want, or need, the lecture. I know how terrible and irresponsible this is. But then I think, life is short and we are going to go. I know I'm going kick myself in the ass come August, but we have to get the hell out of here. I'm suffocating. We need something fun and I just can't care anymore. So we are literally throwing caution to the damn wind. 

I figure I'll worry about adulting later. I just can't. I have too much happening at once and it's suffocating me. I keep saying it because I mean it. It's too much. 

Today is the big kids' last day of school and all of the emotions. Jackson is going to be a fourth grader next year which feels... it overwhelms me. But not as much as Olivia being a sixth grader. Between that and realizing I'm only two months away from Lucy turning one, which means it's only two months since the anniversary of my AFE, it's a LOT. And I honestly didn't think it would be a thing. I really didn't. I saw other survivors talk about it and I wondered why they talked about it with such weight and now I get it. It's heavy. I feel terrified and I don't know why. Every time I think about it I cry and I get scared. What am I going to be like on her birthday?! Is it just going to get worse the closer I get? I don't know. But yes. I just want to get through today, helping Olivia finish out elementary school, she looked nervous leaving for school this morning. Thinking of her today. 

The working poor. You'd think we'd at least get like, a ribbon or something.

Do you remember how I was mentioning that Matt and I had to sit down and come up with a monthly budget? Well, we did that. And it sucks hard because you can't really continue with your denial when you are looking at all of the numbers point blank. It's depressing and honestly, I feel a little overwhelmed by it all.

We also had to look at our budget and decide if I can go back to work. You're like, obviously! GO BACK TO WORK, Sara! And I want to. I really, do. The problem is child care.

The reason I took the job at the school my kids go to was so I would have all summer off and any day they don't have school, I don't work. It's easily the most ideal job ever if you have children. But I would have to put Penelope into daycare for about 17 hours a week figuring in drive time because I would only be working 15 hours a week. Of the places that actually had an opening for an infant, I'm looking at a minimum of $172.50 a week. I don't even make that in a week. That's a full time rate because I couldn't find anyone with a part time rate and an opening. The total cost of day care is almost $700. Again, I don't even make that in a month.

So, I could get a full time job so I could pay that and have some left over. Except what do I do when there is no school? I can't afford three kids in day care for those days.

After lots of math and different scenarios, it was kind of obvious that while losing my little bit of income sucks, it makes more sense for me to quit. Yes, I'd be getting out of the house and that's nice, but it's not worth going into the hole every month.

And that sucks. Because I'll be honest, staying at home is nice because I get to bond with Penelope unlike what I was able to do with my older two, but I feel myself getting dumb. Every day I feel a little dumber. I'm not being mentally challenged every day. My days consist of laundry, cooking, cleaning the house, and watching a baby. That's it. That's literally all I do. My house is clean, we have home cooked meals every night, but I am bored. I now live for Hot Bench and Dr. Phil in the afternoon. I find myself talking to my mailman for fun, through the mail slot. Yesterday he just put my mail on the step and kind of ran back to his truck. I feel like maybe our friendship is over now.

Matt said I should see if, in the meantime, we qualify for any kind of assistance. We of course, don't. For a family of 5, the government thinks we're rich. Which makes me want to give them my bills and tell them to figure out to pay all of them, save some, and have a slush fund. I love how everyone wants your income before taxes. If Matt actually brought that amount home, we'd be just fine. We'd be fixing things in our house that need repair, our roof wouldn't leak, Matt's truck would have the muffler it needs, the kids would have gotten new clothes versus yard sale clothes for school, and I wouldn't be worried about having to say no to sports when they come up over the year. But no, that's no reality. Reality is a LOT comes out of his check for taxes, then we pay our insurance, and then some goes to his retirement, which is a joke because at this rate he won't ever get to retire, and then we've got this measly pot I'm supposed to move mountains with.

I'm worried about kid activities. I'm worried about Christmas. I'm worried about winter utility bills. I'm worried about the hospital bill for me from having Penelope I still haven't gotten yet.

So the hope is that once school gets started, maybe I can get an evening job a couple nights a week. Weekends are out because he works 12 hours on Saturday so that means Sunday is the only day where we are all together for more than an hour. Especially once school starts up, it's the only day where we aren't running one kid to one thing, fighting over homework, etc and I get to hang out with my kids and hear about what's happening at school and with friends. Sunday is a very important day for our family and I'm not willing to sacrifice that for the sake of being able to buy myself a pair of pants that fit.

I feel like, if we can just hang on until after the holidays, things will ease up. A few things will be paid off by then and maybe that'll help. Every little bit helps, right?