Lowcountry Summer

I am convinced that in a previous life I lived in the South and was definitely a lady. Obviously... you wouldn't suspect that now, but it's true. So anytime I get to read a book about the South or just southern culture I do because I always identify with it and usually enjoy it. Such is the case with this book.

Lowcountry Summer by Dorothea Benton Frank

On the occasion of her 46th birthday, Caroline Wimbley Levine is concerned about filling the large shoes of her late, force-of-nature mother, Miss Lavinia, the former Queen of Tall Pines Plantation. Still, Caroline loves a challenge- and she simply will not be fazed by the myriad family catastrophes surrounding her. She'll deal with brother Trip's tricky romantic entanglements, son Eric and his mysterious girlfriend, and go toe-to-toe with alcoholic Frances Mae and her four hellcats without batting an eye, becoming more like Miss Lavinia every day...which is not an entirely good thing.

This is a great story that really shows you the dynamics of a typical southern family who has class and the taste to boot. I did enjoy the story as a whole but in all honesty? Caroline comes off as a selfish bitch really. She's very much one of those dominating personalities that has to know EVERYTHING and has an opinion on EVERYTHING and if you are doing something she doesn't like or agree with- you will know it. She doesn't seem like the type of person who can genuinely be happy for a person if they are going about it in a way she didn't facilitate that.

A good example of that is when her son Eric has a new girlfriend. Here's a tip, parents. If you son/daughter is too nervous/anxious/scared to tell you that they are dating or who they are dating.... it's because they are afraid of your reaction and how you will treat this other person. Not a good thing, parents. You can't control everything and by all accounts, Eric seems like a well raised kid in the story, so in theory... she should have nothing to really worry about.

Anyways. I did enjoy the book, I didn't really like the ending with Trip, but other than that- it was a good read. I did feel like I couldn't really put it down for too long because the story was ever changing, there was always something new happening or more of the story developing. So in all- good read. :)

Please check out the other tour stops to get different perspectives on this book, too! OR, you can check our Dorothea's website or her Facebook.

I need the Cat Whisperer. For the sake of my toilet paper and sanity.

Folks- these cats will turn me into an alcoholic if Matt doesn't do it first.

Stumpy and Batman have taken to being freaks in general. Lenny was weird, but now that he's in kitty heaven/decomposing under my apple tree, Stumpy and Batman obviously feel like they need to make up for his crazy which only adds to the crazy they were already bringing to the table.

In short, I have two cats who are mildly retarded and/or ADHD.

First, it was the ladybug that both cats stared at for over an hour. The bug was on the ceiling but my cats were like on surveillance and were not going anywhere.

 Then they sleep in the 69 position almost every night. Until Stumpy hogs the bottom 1/3 of the bed because he's obese and only one. But then Batman sleeps either on top of my head or in the crook of my neck. Which was cute when he was small but Batman, under his filthy and uncleaned mounds of fur, is a bit of a tub-o-lard himself and it's pretty much him trying to strangle me. But they start in the 69 and lick each other's special spots. Which Matt and I have to listen to. If that doesn't make you horny, I don't know what will.

 You may remember when my bedroom was a CSI crime scene a few weeks ago? Yes well, I have noticed that the cats are ALWAYS staring at the threshold of my bedroom. My bedroom floor isn't finished, so this is what it looks like. Now, I've looked down there thinking there MUST be a mouse. No. I can't see anything. But Batman was eating all of the insulation that was in there. So.. maybe that's like cat crack? But in my paranoia I made Matt put a board on this so a mouse (if that bastard is in there) can't come up.

 And then one morning, I woke up and had to pee. I knew I wouldn't make it upstairs so I went into the laundry room.. which is off my kitchen. I find this. This is TWO rolls of toilet paper and the basket upside down. Mother fuckers.

 Not even a week later, Matt goes up to take a shower and see this. Those fuckers not only clawed up the toilet paper, but knocked the garbage can over and chewed on EVERYTHING. Batman has a taste for qtips while Stumpy (who's obviously already mentally deficient) chewed the cotton balls which were soaked with nail polish remover. And Batman chewed on a pad. A used pad. It was really horrible to clean up.

 THEN. This morning, I go upstairs to pee and I see this. And folks? This is happening EVERY DAY. I'm going through so much toilet paper it's unreal. Do you know how expensive toilet paper is???

And don't tell me to shut my bathroom door. Because it doesn't shut very well and that's where the only heat vent for the upstairs is... and it'll be like a sauna with the door shut while the rest of the upstairs is frigid. So that's not an option.

But seriously. What the fuck? WHAT IS GOING ON??? Why can't I have cats who aren't weird assholes? Is it me? Do I push them over the edge and make them this way? All I know is that I can't afford a super pack of toilet paper every week.

So.. what should I do?? Does anyone know where I can get quality toilet paper for cheap??

My (second) grown up vacation. Without kids.

That's right. I am going on a VACATION. A grown up one.. without kids. It's going to be glorious. The first grown up vacation was our honeymoon and that was fun.. but in June that would have been 7 years ago.

It's time mama got out.

So since Las Vegas is on my 30/30 list (which I promise an update is coming soon).. I decide oh fuck it. Spend what I have and just book the son of a bitch already. Except I couldn't because I'm a pussy and I can't just blow money like that. (Unless it's on clothing or music. Or Wendy's chicken sandwiches. Then it's OK.)

But Allegiant had a buy one/get one flight (but you still pay fees).. and then there were good hotel deals and yeah. I couldn't pass it up. So I did it.

Matt and I will be spending the hottest week of the year in Vegas... at the Luxor.

 Because frankly, I'll probably never get to Egypt so I'm going to pretend I'm going to Egypt. I just have to prevent Matt from walking like an Egyptian in front of the damn place. He can be embarrassing.

But I'll be ok with the heat. Matt might die, but we're going to look into his life insurance. (Which is only sensible.. shut up.) I'm not worried because while you all are doing housework and cleaning up poop from animals/kids/husbands/yourself... I'll be sitting poolside.

 Most likely with some kind of fruity drink. Hopefully with an umbrella. And let's hope that I'm not the chunkiest girl at the pool. That might be sad and might force me to have multiple fruity drinks. All with umbrellas.

But the BONUS, in very small print, on my confirmation was that we got two free tickets to a show. One of the shows was KA by Cirque du Soleil. Which, hello- going into this I knew I couldn't afford a show... but I can afford a free show! So we just called and got our tickets reserved. Hell fucking yes.

So I'm going. Well, Matt's coming too. But when are we going?? The last week of July, baby! So if you live in the area or have an uncontrollable (hopefully not homicidal/sexual/creeper) urge to see me.. then you should come.

Have you been to Vegas? Are there things that we MUST see/do? Remember.... we are officially broke and so we have to do as much as we can with as little money as possible. Do you have tips for getting free/reduced stuff? Do you have a friend/relative who works there and would get me a deal? Because I want to be their BFF.

So yes. I'm excited. It's going to be a good vacation and I am already excited about it. But this means I need to get serious about my weight loss because I really, really, REALLY don't want to be the chunkiest girl. I'm hoping there is an obesity convention so I'll look super small compared to everyone else. I also will have to tan because I don't want to fry out there, and I don't want to blind people with my almost translucent thighs. Nobody wants that. Even Matt probably doesn't want it either, but it's what he gets. :)

The Map of True Places

A few days ago I did a post that came on because of a book I read. Well.. this is the book I read. And I suggest you do too because it was really quite good.

The Map of True Places by Brunonia Barry

A respected Boston psychotherapist, Zee Finch has come a long way from a motherless childhood spent stealing boats. But the actions of a patient throw Zee into emotional chaos and take her back to places she thought she'd left behind. What starts as a brief visit home to Salem begins a larger journey. Suddenly having to care for her ailing father after his longtime companion moves out, Zee must come to terms with a strained and awkward relationship that has always been marked by half-truths and haunted by the untimely death of her mother. Overwhelmed by her new role, Zee must destroy the existing map of her life and chart a new course- one that will guide her not only into her future but into her past as well.

So.. what can I say. First off, the description doesn't really describe the book very well at all. Sure, all of these things happen throughout, but there are so many more things that happen. Zee is a frustratingly complex character and I found myself feeling bad for her but then at the same time wanting to smack her. I have a hard time with people who play the "I had a hard life/past/whatever so it impacts my current life" card. I hate it. I really dislike it. I had a shit alcoholic, drug addicted father and I have gone through some really heinous and awful things but you don't see me all sad face up in here. No. Basically, I have a problem with people who feel sorry for themselves. Get over it.

Anyways. Let's talk about this book again. I really liked how the author walked us through all of the obstacles Zee is up against: a father dying of Parkinson's that is much more progressed than she thought, her father's companion who just wants to be back into the fold but since dad is slipping into Alzheimer's at the same time it's not working out so well, her patient kills herself which forces her to reconcile her mother's suicide, her questioning her abilities in her career, an engagement that goes to hell, a hot new guy coming into the picture, etc. Seriously. It's a LOT of stuff and this poor chick has it all at once.

What I loved about the book is that once all the groundwork was laid out, you knew the characters and you knew key pieces of their story... Brunonia Barry weaves it together. It goes from a "find yourself and life is good" story to a potential murder/mystery/romance story and then it wraps it up with the ending you hoped for. At least for me.

It was a fascinating read. It makes you question the little things you let get into the way of relationships and if they are really worth it. In the end.. we all die. And is it worth being unhappy, trying to please others, holding grudges, etc? No. It really isn't. So while I thought I'd have a hard time getting into it when I first started, I found myself devouring this book.

Check out the other bloggers on this book tour HERE, check out the author's website HERE. Also, Brunonia is going to be at a few upcoming events. If she's in your area- stop by and tell her you saw her book featured on a blog tour!

Thursday, March 31st, 7:00 PM: Discussion & signing; RJ JULIA BOOKSELLERS; Madison, CT

Friday, April 1st, 12:30 PM: Author luncheon/signing; BANK SQUARE BOOKS; Mystic, CT 06355
Saturday, April 2nd, 7:00 PM: Discussion & signing; NORTHSHIRE BOOKSTORE; Manchester Center, VT
Thursday, April 7th, 6:30 PM; The SPIRIT OF 76 BOOKSHOP; Marblehead, MA
Wednesday, April 27th, 7:00 PM: Book club discussion; MORSE LIBRARY; Natick, MA
Friday-Saturday, April 29th-April 30th: NEWBURYPORT LITERARY FESTIVAL; Newburyport, MA
Thursday, May 5th, Time TBD: Women’s Lunch Place Boston, BOSTON, MA
Saturday, June 4th, 1:00 PM: Reading & signing; BAYSWATER BOOKS; Center Harbor, NH

And finally, Book Club Girl on Air Show will have Brunonia and talk about the book Wednesday, April 20th, 7 pm EST and you would go HERE to listen to that.

Horns

It has been said many times, but this book was weird. And at first, I wasn't really sure if it was weird in a good way, or not. In the end I decided it was. But you have to finish it for it to really make any sense. If that makes any sense?

Horns- Joe Hill

Merrin Williams is dead, slaughtered under inexplicable circumstances, leaving her beloved boyfriend Ignatius Perrish as the only suspect. On the first anniversary of Merrin’s murder, Ig spends the night drunk and doing awful things. When he wakes the next morning he has a thunderous hangover . . . and horns growing from his temples. Ig possesses a terrible new power to go with his terrible new look—a macabre gift he intends to use to find the monster who killed his lover. Being good and praying for the best got him nowhere. Now it’s time for revenge . . .


It’s time the devil had his due. . . .

OK. So what this little snippet does not tell you is that it's a really tangled web of awful that you have to get through to get to the end of the book. I seriously felt terrible for Ig through the whole thing. He knows he didn't kill Merrin, but doesn't know who did so his goal, after growing horns, is to find out what happened. What this also doesn't explain is that his gift involves his ability to influence others to do what he wants, but he also compels people to speak only the truth to him. Sometimes the truth helps him unravel the web of Merrin's murder, but sometimes the truth just hurts- like when his Grandma (whom he loves and felt like she loved him) says he should have just killed himself. I mean, that would hurt hearing anytime, but when you're already down that's kind of harsh coming from your Grandma.

The twist that I thought was interesting was the concept that maybe Satan/the Devil/whatever isn't really a bad guy but more of a hero because he's essentially finding the responsible parties of a horrific crime and bringing them to "justice" so to speak. I mean, I can really see that line of thinking when presented with this story. I felt like it was really interesting and I am very glad I stuck with it because the ending was really superb for me. I really liked it. I have been suggesting this book to people who are looking for an interesting read that isn't like anything else out there right now that I can think of. And I am basically describing it as weird. But a good and interesting kind of weird.

The first 1000 people to preorder Joe’s latest novel and then email joehill@harpercollins.com with proof of purchase will receive a specialized bookplate from Joe – he’s been signing and doodling all sorts of creations on bookplates for days now! For more information on this giveaway and the rest of Joe’s books, visit www.joehillfiction.com and follow Joe on Twitter @joe_hill.

Also check out his website for updates! If you have read this or are planning to, let me know what you think of it when you finish it-- I'll be interested to hear what your thoughts were as well!

Mouse CSI Crime Scene.

I'm going to start this post by telling you that you need to enter my GIVEAWAY otherwise you are a loser.

Then I'm going to tell you I have no pictures of the horrifying tale I'm about to tell you because:

1. It was gruesome.
2. I was throwing up.
3. I couldn't even get near it without gagging.

Sorry. I'm pretty sure you don't want to see it anyways. It really was that bad. It was kind of like this:



But instead of one nice pile.. well.. let's tell the story first.

It was Friday morning. I was tired. It was approximately 7am when I heard Stumpy and Batman playing in my room. They are often stupid and loud and play with Matt's dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor so I think nothing of it.

At approximately 7:02, Olivia and Jackson appear in my doorway.

7:02 and 3 seconds Olivia starts screaming, "It's a mouse! A REAL MOUSE!" and both kids run to the couch, crying hysterically.

7:02 and 5 seconds, I get up, groggy, put my slippers on. Only to find that Stumpy was throwing a mouse around my room, not a balled up sock.

From there everything happened fast. First I saw what appeared to be the mouse's ass on my beige rug. Then I see copious amounts of mouse blood all over my freshly painted white closet doors. Then I see that there are organs on the door as well. Just like these:


Mouse parts are strewn about my bedroom floor. And I'm going to be honest- I fucking RAN to the kitchen sink and barfed for a solid minute. I'm not even kidding. I can't handle any kind of bodily fluids, guts, blood, I just can't.

I don't know how I'm even a mother, if we're being honest. It's a good thing Matt can deal with this because he's what I call Triple P cleanup (pee-poop-puke) and I swear one day he's getting a customized shirt.

But after puking I decided I had to assess the situation. I got Stumpy (who's face is covered in guts/blood) and Batman (who had mouse shit-I think-on his back feet) out of my room by pushing them with my foot and then closed the door.

I forgot to mention the absolute inhumane noises these cats were making. Seriously. It was this super bizarre low growl/hiss/meow thing and it was CREEPY.

Anyways. So once I had taken stock of the disgusting situation I was in, I decided there was no way in fuck I was going to clean that up. NO WAY. So obviously I call Matt. Several times. The first message was like, "Um, yeah. This is your wife. You need to take a break, an early lunch, SOMETHING and get your ass to the mother fucking house RIGHT NOW because we are in CRISIS MODE! CRISIS! THERE ARE BLOOD AND GUTS EVERYWHERE AND I THINK IT'S DEAD-OH MY GOD-*gag/cough* (kids screaming in background) and it's horrible. I CAN'T DO IT! So if you could just come home like right effing now for 5 minutes that'd be swell. JACKSON!!! SHUT THE..." *hang up call*

So then I sent a bunch of mayday texts to Matt telling him it's a big deal and I'm serious about it.

*He never responds because hey- his cell phone is in his vehicle.*

After about an hour I realize he isn't coming. I'm pissed off. I go into the crime scene because I need to get dressed. I decide I can't see the guts anymore, so I copied what you see on crime shows, got some kitchen towels and an oven mitt, put it over the guts so I couldn't see them. I got dressed and we got the hell out of the house because mouse guts smell after awhile.

I didn't come home until 3:30 and only after I got a text saying "safe to come home now" from Matt. He left work a half hour early to deal with the situation. And then told me I'm an absolute pussy. Um hi, I already know that. And he did too. I made it plain as day that I don't do gross cleanup. I just don't and won't. EVER.

The bad part, while he did get it all cleaned up, is that there is a stain on my closet door from what we believe are maybe the kidneys? Of course I can't really testify to that because I was pretty much throwing up in my own hand when I saw it, but if I had to guess it looked like what I think a kidney maybe would. So obviously we're painting the door. Again.

Meanwhile, Stumpy and Batman are walking around here like King Shits and attacking and subsequently killing ever dustball that goes by like absolute badasses.

And I still gag thinking about it.

You Don't Love This Man

This book was fascinating in a strange way... but before I get into MY review, let's read a little synopsis about the book itself:

You'd Don't Love This Man by Dan DeWeese

On the morning of his daughter Miranda's wedding, Paul learns that the bank he manages has been robbed- apparently by the same man who robbed it twenty-five years before. As if that weren't enough, Miranda, who is set to marry Paul's former best friend- a man twice her age-seems to have gone missing.

Struggling to reconcile his little girl with the grown woman he's about to walk down the aisle (if he can find her), to accept his onetime peer as his future son-in-law, and to comprehend the strange coincidence of being robbed by the same man two decades apart, Paul takes stock of everything leading up to this moment- as he attempts to navigate the day's many surprises while questioning the motives and choices of those around him.

I will say before I talk about this book that it is written beautifully well. If we're being honest, I sometimes struggle with male authors because I have a hard time really believing the characters they create and the motion of events they go through; sometimes they seem a bit forced and leave you feeling like, "Yeah right- that would never happen." Dan DeWeese did such a good job capturing Paul, creating him into a character you felt sorry for but at the same time were frustrated with. And then I felt like, if I were a divorced father, that I could really relate to him.

The struggles of co-parenting with his ex-wife, Sandra, and him realizing maybe things weren't really the way they were. The story is all centered around Miranda's wedding but at the same time you journey into his past as a young man starting a career, which snowballs into meeting the best friend, getting robbed, getting married, having a child, getting divorced, and then really coming full circle with best friend marrying his daughter. I mean, you think, "Could that really happen?", but then it does all the time really.

I really enjoyed how the story alternated between the present day of Paul trying to find his daughter on her wedding day-- because she's MIA, and him trying to reconcile his feelings towards it all with events from the past. So it's like all in one day he's trying to figure out how he got to this place and where does he go from there. Such an interesting perspective and you sometimes forget that it's all happening on one day-- which I love. I will say the end was pretty good- and I could feel really what Paul felt when he was with Miranda at the end- so that right there tells you the author did a great job really capturing their relationship.

I highly recommend this book because it kind of makes you think. It makes you look at these quiet, mild mannered people around you and really wonder what it is they hold up inside them? Do they ever feel like everything is happening around and without them? And what happens when that person just says enough is enough and takes it into their own hands?

If you are interested in reading other reviews of this book, go HERE, and if you'd like to learn more about the author, please check out his website.