Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Girl Through Glass

Day two of a ton of book reviews for you- hopefully you'll find a few you want to add to your to-read lists!

Girl Through Glass - Sari Wilson
An enthralling literary debut that tells the story of a young girl’s coming of age in the cutthroat world of New York City ballet—a story of obsession and the quest for perfection, trust and betrayal, beauty and lost innocence.

In the roiling summer of 1977, eleven-year-old Mira is an aspiring ballerina in the romantic, highly competitive world of New York City ballet. Enduring the mess of her parent’s divorce, she finds escape in dance—the rigorous hours of practice, the exquisite beauty, the precision of movement, the obsessive perfectionism. Ballet offers her control, power, and the promise of glory. It also introduces her to forty-seven-year-old Maurice DuPont, a reclusive, charismatic balletomane who becomes her mentor.

Over the course of three years, Mira is accepted into the prestigious School of American Ballet run by the legendary George Balanchine, and eventually becomes one of “Mr. B’s girls”—a dancer of rare talent chosen for greatness. As she ascends higher in the ballet world, her relationship with Maurice intensifies, touching dark places within herself and sparking unexpected desires that will upend both their lives.

In the present day, Kate, a professor of dance at a Midwestern college, embarks on a risky affair with a student that threatens to obliterate her career and capsizes the new life she has painstakingly created for her reinvented self. When she receives a letter from a man she’s long thought dead, Kate is hurled back into the dramas of a past she thought she had left behind.

Told in interweaving narratives that move between past and present, Girl Through Glass illuminates the costs of ambition, secrets, and the desire for beauty, and reveals how the sacrifices we make for an ideal can destroy—or save—us.


Right off the bat, I have to be honest and tell you I know next to nothing about ballet other than the fact it screws your feet up and that is the main reason I never wanted to do it. I have a thing about jacked up feet so you will never even see me encourage my daughters into ballet because, no. Secondly I've only seen a ballet once and I really am not that person that can understand a story with no words. I see people flitting about and twirling and I'm not getting the emotions they are supposed to be conveying and I get bored. All this to say that if you are not a fan of ballet, you are probably not going to enjoy this book at all because it all centers around ballet and the emotions on and off stage and how you never really leave any of it behind despite best efforts.

I don't want to give it away but I figured out the Mira/Kate connection almost immediately and I've talked to two other reviewers who said they didn't get it until the end. I'm not a super smart person, but come on, now. So for me, I think that was supposed to be a little bit of a suspense element but I figured it out in the first third of the book so if you're hoping that will hold you through, maybe don't count on it especially if you are an avid reader of suspense or mysteries.

I have to say the book is written very well. You can tell the author has extensive experience in ballet and knows her stuff, almost to the point it goes over a regular reader's head. I can't picture what these girls are doing because I have no idea what the technical terms in ballet are, but I appreciate the education and time that went into writing this book. I have to be honest though, and I have seen a few documentaries on ballet and dance in general, but the Maurice character is beyond creepy and wholly inappropriate. I get that these are some of the real life people these young women (and men) encounter and sometimes they are so wrapped up into the art of ballet and what it means to really emote with everything except your voice but man. It made me feel uncomfortable and to be honest, I almost didn't finish the book because of it.

Overall? I'd give this book 3/5 stars. It wasn't bad, it was just a solid OK for me. I didn't know what to expect going in, and it is better than I thought it would be because the writing is exceptional and I really adored Mira. Mira just... she's just that little kid with crap parent(s) and you just want the best for her but life choices lead you to different paths. It makes you wonder where she would be had she made different choices all together. It's just a really interesting book, but not one where I'd say you couldn't put it down. In fact, I put it down and started another book mid way through it, and then came back to it. But I think people are loving this because the writing is just... it's really beautiful and so well done.

You can purchase Girl Through Glass on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, of course. In the meantime, you can connect with Sari Wilson on her website and Twitter!



Every Broken Wish Blog Tour


About the Author
K. S. David lives in the Mid-Atlantic with her husband, their three children and a menagerie of pets. 
New storylines are constantly running through her head and she keeps notebooks tucked in pockets of the car, the nightstand and makes voice recordings just about all day long. She's addicted to true life mysteries and crime shows, both of which marry well with a great romance. Some of her favorite things are long walks, reading in bed, baking and of course, writing her next novel.

Her latest book is the romantic suspense, Every Broken Wish.

For More Information

Litha Adams cleared her schedule, deciding to spend the day at home. She needed a break from her chaotic life. She picked a perfect sunny day to relax and just hang out in the garden. Nothing prepared her for the sudden appearance of Ethan Garner. She had walked away from him and spent every day since, building a life on her terms. By day's end, she had another problem. Strangers were in her home. Litha found herself locked away with Ethan as interlopers hunted for treasure. Then came the realization that she was their target. They were hunting for her. 

For More Information

  • Every Broken Wish is available at Amazon.
  • Discuss this book at PUYB Virtual Book Club at Goodreads.
EXCERPT

Working the soil was a source of comfort for Litha Adams. She liked to feel the rich black granules slip through her fingers. She liked the sense of accomplishment she felt when something as small as a minuscule seed erupted from the earth to produce an edible crop or the vivid canopy of colors that lit up the back wall of her estate. She had purchased Enchanted Island specifically for that purpose. It was an eleven thousand square foot brick-front colonial on ten acres, complete with its own private lake, which she kept well stocked with ladyfish, spadefish, and Alabama darter.
 The estate was a collection of steep undulating hills, surrounded by ten-foot sugar maple, loblolly pine, and yellow buckeye trees, which closed off visibility from neighbors and passersby. Once you turned off the residential road, drove up the long shaded driveway, and passed through the tall black iron gates, there was an immediate sense of isolation. The vast green acreage, the colorful gardens, bubbling fountains, even the man-made lake, was serenity for Litha and the few guests she allowed at her home. The irony was that her quiet oasis was barely a heartbeat away from the bustle of downtown Atlanta.
“Ms. Adams,” said a voice behind her.           
Litha sat back on her heels, removed her lavender rose patterned garden gloves, and waited for her assistant to continue. She rarely took time to do anything for herself, rarer to work in the gardens. She needed a breather from the chaotic treadmill of her life. Instead of hitting the office before sunup, she decided to work from home and sneak in a little solace. She had already run five miles and punched off a dozen emails before telling Courtney, her assistant, to change her schedule. Courtney reported to the house instead of the office and every appointment had been canceled, except one. Even that had been re-routed to the house.
“You have a visitor. The guy didn’t give his name, but he says you know him,” said Courtney.
Litha twisted around and glared at her. “What?”
Courtney shrugged. “He’s at the gate. He insists on seeing you.”
“Here?” confirmed Litha. “You’re saying some random man just drove up and wants to see me?” 
Putting her hand on her narrow hip, Courtney nodded. She wasn’t just Litha’s assistant, but her closest friend. “Shaun has him at the gate. I already spoke with the guy. I asked him to leave his name and a card and I’d have you contact him, but he insists on talking with you himself.” 
Courtney was impeccably dressed in a tasteful, mid-calf, ice-blue sleeveless dress. She wore her hair natural, kept it cut low and perfectly tapered on the sides and at the nape. A hint of red on the edges of her hair set off her toasted-chestnut skin, which was flawless. She had high cheekbones, full lips, and a sultry come-hither voice that made most men stop dead in their tracks. She was also a closet comedienne, with a wicked sense of humor, who had the ability to lift Litha’s mood no matter what was going on. But when Litha looked at her, she didn’t see that spark of wit bubbling behind her dark brown eyes. 
“What does he look like?” She imagined some half-crazed man hanging from the twenty-foot gates. There were dozens of charitable organizations always chasing her down; ladies auxiliaries, educational funds, and church groups inviting her to either speak to their masses, lend her name to their cause, write a check in support, or all three. No one had ever tracked her to the house. Litha had hired personal security eight months ago and kept a guard at the gate twenty-four hours a day. She also had a man present in the house at all times or by her side whenever she left. 
Courtney considered the question and shifted her iPad to the opposite hip. “If I may say so . . . he’s fine. He’s well dressed. He’s driving an
Affalterbach. Speaks well. He’s very clear about your association.”
Sighing, Litha slapped her hands together, sending up a small plume of dust. She brushed off her jeans and pressed her hand against the front of her t-shirt. “And he won’t give his name?” asked Litha.
“No. Shaun wants to know how you want to handle it. He’s ready to dial 9-1-1; he’s just waiting to finish the call.”
 Litha looked back at her unfinished work. She’d been planting larkspur and penstemon for added color in the garden. Small black containers waited to be transplanted. “I’ll go see what the guy wants,” she decided.
She and Courtney took a narrow cobblestone path that rounded the east end of the home. As they stepped onto the paved driveway, Litha noticed the shiny black car idling outside the gate. The heavy tint on the windows made it impossible for her to see who sat in the driver’s seat. Shaun stood at the edge of the guard’s house holding a cell phone. 
The extreme security measures hadn’t been her idea, they’d had been put in place at the insistence of Ed Mitchell, the Chief Operating Officer of her company. He was afraid that the recent protest at the company could spiral out of control. After weeks of cajoling, begging, and pleading, Litha finally conceded to a personal escort, the fortress-like gates circling the property, the armed guard, handpicked drivers, and the fleet of secured vehicles. Her personal staff had swollen and been required to submit to extensive background checks, polygraph exams, take basic training in selfdefense, sign rigid confidentiality agreements, and had been taught to remain on alert at all times. Litha agreed to all the changes even though they resulted in every facet of her life being utterly and completely invaded. 
A walk to Starbucks for an iced coffee was an act of defiance. Ed and the entire team would spin into action, hustling about in a fury trying to find her. When they did, they'd swoop in like a SWAT team to form a secure bubble around her. Slipping away occasionally was her way of keeping her sanity, retaining her independence, and proving to Ed that his concerns were unwarranted. It was also her way of reminding all of them that she was the one in charge. 
Courtney slowed her pace then touched Litha’s arm to halt her. “I . . . I don’t know about this,” she said. “Maybe it isn’t such a good idea. He didn’t look crazy, but you never know.” Then deciding. “I’ll have Shaun just get the guy’s name and number. He’ll have to be satisfied with that. Ed would kill me if anything happened to you. The protocol . . .”
Litha held out a hand. “Whoa. Stop.” She turned to Courtney. “Has
Ed been harassing you about what goes on in my house?”
“Not exactly harassing,” evaded Courtney. She was uncomfortably aware of the tension that had developed between Litha and Ed Mitchell recently. She wanted to stay clear of it. “You know him,” she urged, “Ed’s all about rules and has his ideas about how things should run.” 
Litha sucked her teeth, crossed her arms, and said, “I haven’t abdicated control of my life to anyone. If Ed Mitchell thinks any differently, then he’d do well to remember who owns the company, who he works for and this house. If I choose to walk to my gate, then I will.” 
Not offended by Litha’s directness, Courtney pursed her lips, snapped her fingers. “Alright, Boss Lady.” She stepped aside and pointed toward the gate. 
At their approach, the car door opened. Shaun’s hand swung to the gun on his hip. “Sir, please stay in the car.”
Ignoring him, a tall, well-built man stepped out in a crisp, tailored suit. He had skin like whipped dark chocolate, a broad regal nose, a firm jaw, and narrowed eyes that went immediately for Litha. 
She stopped. Her heart thumped in her chest so hard it hurt. In a quaking breath, she huffed, “Shit.”
“You okay?” asked Courtney, protectively stepping between Litha and the gate.
The man closed the door, letting her see the full measure of him. 
“Sir, please get back in the car,” said Shaun. “I’m going to have to call the police if you don’t comply.”
 “I’m fine,” said Litha, regaining her composure.
She willed herself to steady and pinched her hands closed for a moment to stop the shaking. Imagining herself a bar of unbendable steel, she stepped around Courtney, walked toward the gate. Wrapping her fingers around the bars and she stared at the man for a moment. 
When the man took a step forward, Shaun pushed his hand into the stranger’s chest and warned, “Sir, I’m serious. All I have to do is hit ‘send’ and I’ll connect with the police.” He held up the phone.
In a voice that had turned cool and hard, Litha said, “Shaun, put the phone away. Let him through.” 

My Review

A strange little book. We have Litha, who basically decides to take a day off of her regularly scheduled life to stay home and then all hell kind of breaks loose. Which makes it sound more dramatic than it really is. It all starts when Ethan, who she left long ago, shows up mysteriously out of the blue. After steeling herself against his appearance things take a turn for the weird when she finds herself locked away as people begin searching her home and grounds for some kind of locked away treasure. That then forces Ethan and Litha to reconcile their past since they are conveniently together for such a long time. The book itself almost reads as a short story because it's only 173 pages and I was able to finish it within two hours easily. It's not a gripping suspense, and it won't keep you on the edge of your seat/can't put it down, but it's a decent little read if you are in the mood for something you can finish quickly, for sure. I thought it was OK, I'd give it 3/5 stars. I went in thinking this would almost be a teen book but it's definitely not because these are very much adult characters but the ending felt kind of... bleh? (Yeah, not a real world, but it's more of a sound I would be making, just go with it.) It's an OK little book. I would absolutely try another book by this author because there were sparks of potential greatness in this one, I think the author just didn't quite get there, but it's not enough where I would recommend you not to read it. Definitely give it a try if you want a quick book on a budget! 

Monday, February 8, 2016

Dirty English

You don't know this yet because I haven't posted about it (I will later this week) but this book came in my January Bookworm Box. I've decided the Bookworm Box is like that really bad boyfriend you know you need to leave because he's a loser but then he goes and does something awesome and you're like, "aw... one more month.." because you are life decision flip flopper.

Don't act like you aren't.

Dirty English - Ilsa Madden-Mills

A scarred fighter.
A girl with rules.
One night of unbridled passion.

There are three things you need to know about Elizabeth Bennett: she’s smart as a whip, always in control, and lives by a set of carefully crafted rules. She’s learned the hard way that people you love the most always hurt you in the end.

But then she meets Declan Blay, the new neighbor at her apartment complex.

A tattooed British street fighter, he’s the campus bad boy she’ssupposed to avoid, but when he saves her from a frat party gone bad, all her rules about sex and love fly out the window.

She gives him one night of unbridled passion, but he longs for more. 

With only a cardboard-thin wall separating their bedrooms, he dreams of possessing the vulnerable girl next door forever.

One night. Two damaged hearts. The passion of a lifetime.

*a modern love story inspired by Pride and Prejudice* 


I won't even lie to you and say I didn't read this book immediately because of the cover. We all know that's exactly why I picked this book as my weekend read because we all know I need to live vicariously through fictional characters. So let's talk about the book briefly.

We have Elizabeth Bennett, who shares the name of the heroine in Pride and Prejudice by total coincidence, who is a broken-hearted, emotionally scarred girl. We have Declan Blay, who is a street fighter but also an academic smarty pants trying to build his dream of owning a gym and becoming a UFC fighter. They meet, they reluctantly fall in love but don't know it, sexy times, drama, and then happily ever after.

Overall? A solid little romance with some great sexy scenes, and Declan is a GREAT character. A stand up, normal guy but really a softy romantic at heart just trying to do the best he can in life. Here's my issue with this book: it is so much like Jamie McGuire's A Beautiful Disaster, which was a great book. (That author should have stopped right fucking there but she didn't and she RUINED the follow up novella where her characters get married and ever since then I refuse to read any of her stuff because frankly, total money grabbing scheme where you have to beat the story to death to write more books. End rant.) Just kidding- the rant will continue. Ha! Because not only is this book so incredibly similar, but I am so incredibly tired of romance authors using the SAME format. It's like they pull out stereotypical characters out of a hat and go with it. Lead female who has been raped now hates all men and refuses to love? Check. Lead male character who dates floozies and wonders why they all cheat? Check. Street fighting to make money the "honest" way? Check. Past bad boy who ruined lead female comes back and goes nuts? Check. Best friend who wants more? Check.

Just stop it already. Human relationships are so complex and amazing that there shouldn't be any two books with the same line up of characters and basic story line over and over again with a few minor details changed.

BUT.

If you aren't an avid reader (like me) and you haven't read a million of other books with similar story lines (like me), then you are going to love this book. We have a great bad boy/but really a great guy (with an English accent, always a win, I don't care what story it is) and a really stupid girl and somehow it all ends well and bring me the sequel! Yes, there will be a sequel called Sexy English which will feature Declan's twin, Dax. And I bet it'll be good. This book has a Pride and Prejudice theme running through it (kind of) and the next promises to have a Romeo & Juliet theme and you know I loved that story, so I will be all over it.

So there we go. I have a BUNCH of book reviews coming up this week for you, so stay tuned. You'll be mighty busy filling out your library requests and filling your shopping carts.

Friday, February 5, 2016

In the Land of Armadillos

It seems so long ago, but it was only in 2013 where I read and reviewed Helen Maryles Shankman's debut novel The Color of Light, which is to this day, one of my favorite books of all time. Everything about that book was magic for me and I cannot tell you how many times I have re-read it because I just loved the characters and the story so much. I have been waiting for another book from Helen all of this time and finally, we have one. And it is just gold.

In the Land of Armadillos - Helen Maryles Shankman
***A Spring 2016 Discover Great New Writers selection at Barnes & Noble***

A radiant debut collection of linked stories from a two-time Pushcart Prize nominee, set in a German-occupied town in Poland, where tales of myth and folklore meet the real-life monsters of the Nazi invasion.

1942. With the Nazi Party at the height of its power, the occupying army empties Poland’s towns and cities of their Jewish populations. As neighbor turns on neighbor and survival often demands unthinkable choices, Poland has become a moral quagmire—a place of shifting truths and blinding ambiguities.

Blending folklore and fact, Helen Maryles Shankman shows us the people of Wlodawa, a remote Polish town: we meet a cold-blooded SS officer dedicated to rescuing the creator of his son’s favorite picture book, even as he helps exterminate the artist’s friends and family; a Messiah who appears in a little boy’s bedroom to announce that he is quitting; a young Jewish girl who is hidden by the town’s most outspoken anti-Semite—and his talking dog. And walking among these tales are two unforgettable figures: the enigmatic and silver-tongued Willy Reinhart, Commandant of the forced labor camp who has grand schemes to protect “his” Jews, and Soroka, the Jewish saddlemaker and his family, struggling to survive.

Channeling the mythic magic of classic storytellers like Sholem Aleichem and Isaac Bashevis Singer and the psychological acuity of modern-day masters like Nicole Krauss and Nathan Englander, In the Land of Armadillos is a testament to the persistence of humanity in the most inhuman conditions.

Somehow in my excitement I missed that this was basically a book of short stories, which I'm not usually a fan of. Thankfully, while they are short stories, they are all related and they all are happening simultaneously so you feel like instead of short stories, they are just bouncing from different points of view of different characters. I want to apologize that I did not get this review out in time for the Holocaust Memorial Day, because this book is such a stunning portrayal of those dark days. No other event in history evokes the sadness and heartache like the Holocaust and it started when I was very young and read The Diary of Anne Frank, and it just terrified me that people would be killed for really no reason at all. Just the religion they believed in, basically. 

I knew that if anyone could tackle this topic with grace and emotion, it would be Helen. And she nailed it. The first story is of a Nazi officer who is easily a Jekyll and Hyde because he's writing to his wife as if his day job isn't horrific. Then he goes about his day and casually speaks of murdering countless people and just hopping over to the bar for drinks. To have something in that point of view is just... it hits you in the gut. 

I could summarize every single story but it would ruin the book for you but I tell you what- the stories are a combination of fiction and folklore and it makes it all seem real. I really felt like I was reading about actual events, with actual people, and I was struck by the beauty of it but also the horrific nature of the Holocaust. While reading this I found myself looking up information and images and I was struck by several stories which talked about people digging their own graves only to stand next to them and be shot. One image I saw was a row of shoes, people were asked to take off their shoes before they died and I just... I saw the different sizes and how worn they were and I wondered what were these people's last thoughts? What could that have possibly been like? Then other stories the Nazi officers really believe themselves to be good guys, or act indifferently to the atrocious acts of murder they are committing each day, and I just wonder- what the hell happened to these people where they just lose humanity? How do you lose your humanity? 

If you are at all interested in reading about the Holocaust, you absolutely need this book. It's one of the best books I have read in a long time that takes you through a full range of emotions and leaves you feeling grateful that you have never had to encounter anything like this in your life, and likely never will. You can find this on Amazon as well as Barnes & Noble. Just an absolutely stunning read. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Bookworm Box: December

I'm going to get a little bitchy on this one and tell you upfront that the great quality of the books is no longer cutting it with this box. I know, it's a harsh way to start the post but I've damn near had it.

First off, let me start by saying I fully understand the December box was VERY delayed because of an order of books being ruined and needing to be replaced and then all of the flooding in Texas, where the Bookworm Box headquarters is. I get it, those are both things out of your hands, that sucks, but you know- you're a business. If you haven't liked their page on Facebook, you wouldn't have known about your box being delayed because an email never went out to people who paid. Oh, I stand corrected- some people got emails, some did not (I didn't), and when I emailed to ask where my box was, I was referred to their Facebook page post, which they copied and pasted.

Now, I understand that this subscription box is done solely with volunteers and the money goes to charities. In 2015 they donated a LOT to charities and that is another one of the things that keeps me hanging on. Like, should I be pissy when my money is going towards a good cause? Do I have a right to be like that? Most people make donations and get nothing in return, but I'm getting a box of stuff.

But let's talk about that box of stuff. First up, stop sending the pens and chapsticks. Seriously. I know you probably got them at a ridiculous discount if you ordered in quantities of 5,000 or more but I can't be the only one feeling screwed over when we get yet another chapstick and pen so you can get rid of them.

Secondly, STOP IT with the bookmarks. Please don't call bookmarks that are advertising other books as "swag". That's not swag- that's shit we throw out because nobody needs 300 bookmarks in their life. You just don't. Oh, and magnets. I know you got a bulk deal on those, but I have one on my fridge and it doesn't even hold anything up so now it's in my trash. This month we also got what I think are socks? Like really short ankle socks? It's not even a freaking matching pair. I don't know. Those might just get tossed.

All of the stuff from the box for December.
Admittedly, the books look stellar. I've had the Dina Silver on a to-read list so I'm happy to have gotten that. I do like that we are getting two books in the box versus the standard one in pretty much every other box out there. I'll give them that.

But what has really just done me in? The January box is late. LATE. It's not even being packed and mailed until today, and it is now February. I emailed them and said, where the hell is my January box, and I get a "Oops! We're running behind!".

Um? YOU'RE A BUSINESS. You are guaranteeing a product after receiving payment. You have sat on my January payment ALL MONTH and you don't feel like it's worth it to be really quick about mailing the product out? Especially when you said we'd get our December box the second week of January (late) and then January boxes would be mailed the following week. Which makes the January boxes already two weeks late, three by the time I actually get it. So what, February will be delayed because you just did January and February is a short month?

I think the overall concept of this subscription box is great. I do. I love supporting charities with my reading addiction, it's a win win for everyone.

But it's failing in the swag department, and it's failing badly in the timely delivery of the product. If you say you are going to ship on a specific date of the month, by fucking god, you better ship on or before that date. That's good customer service. Instead, they are relying on all of us customers to feel badly and be always understanding that it's strictly volunteer based and the "we can't help it" mentality.

Don't even get me started on how many times they've switched the company they use for monthly billing. This was a good idea, but it has been poorly executed. If I had gotten my crap together and realized it was February, I would have cancelled, but I've been charged so I guess I'll get a February box. And eventually my January box, which I still haven't even gotten any kind of email shipping confirmation for.

So if you are looking for a book subscription box- there are so many out there doing it better, and more efficiently, than The Bookworm Box. I know they are relatively new but here's hoping they get their shit together before others jump ship.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

12 weeks. First hurdle done.

I haven't been feeling well the last few days, which is why I haven't updated you about my twelve week prenatal visit. But I have photos so that should make up for it.

So on Friday I had a super busy afternoon and I figured I had it all timed perfectly so I wouldn't be rushing anywhere. Well, when you are a patient in one of the best (and busiest) OB/GYN offices in your area, nobody gives two craps about your really awesome planning.

Because everybody is all, "LET'S GIVE BIRTH RIGHT WHEN SARA HAS HER APPOINTMENT!"

Normally, I wouldn't have cared but because I was doing the first trimester genetic screening and ultrasound, I had to come with a full bladder. And it was as full as it could possibly be because I am an over achiever like that. So I'm sitting in the waiting room, legs crossed, rocking back and forth so I didn't pee my pants. And of course, I keep feeling like I have to sneeze and I know damn well that if I did, I would have emptied my bladder on that floor in five seconds flat.

Thankfully for the custodians, I did not.

BUT!

I got to stare and listen to some super strange people. First off, the girl behind me can't have been more than 19, maybe 20, and she's there with what looks like a parole officer or something. This girl is pregnant with her second child and she's there for her 20 week appointment, just had her ultrasound (it's a girl!) and then decided the basement waiting room with spotty reception is the best place to call baby daddy, who is also in jail, to tell him the good news. But she's got the volume as loud as it goes and talking into it like it's a walkie talkie* and he's screaming at her that of course it's not his because he isn't "able to have girls"**.

*I hate this. Please do not use your phone as a fucking walkie talkie. Nobody around you gives a crap about your conversation, hold it up to your head like you're supposed to do with a phone. 

**This right here is why we need comprehensive sex ed in schools. This guy ACTUALLY believes he is incapable of producing a female child. *sigh*. 

Anyways. So I finally get called back, and I don't know why, but I keep getting brought to the ultrasound room way in the back, and that's where I learned I had lost my baby (the baby before Penelope), and ever since then, I have high anxiety when I go in there. Like I need to just brace for the worst.

Which, no need to this time because Baby Four is very active.

Obviously too soon to tell what we're having, but Baby Four did karate kicks and was doing somersaults all over the place. Which I am sure is going to just be a total treat in a few weeks when I can feel it!

Then I got to see my doctor, who I really like. She's just very laid back and nothing worries her and she's just very much a "it is what it is" kind of gal and that's great. It's super great unless you're dealing with major depression and feeling awful about it.

We talked about depression medication options and though my nurse practitioner 4 weeks ago said I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES take Lexapro (which is what worked for me a few years ago), that's what my doctor prescribed me. She tells me it's a Class C drug which means they are pretty sure it's fine to take, but they haven't done drug testing trials on it during pregnancy because to find that many women willing to risk their baby in the name of prescription testing is next to impossible. But she's sure I'll be fine.

So I reluctantly leave.

I went home later on and did some basic Internet searching and you guys- I am terrified to take this. I can't even tell you how many pages and discussions boards I found with people talking about heart defects, breathing issues, etc that baby developed while mom was on Lexapro. I have friends who assure me it'll be fine but it's the worrier in me that's like, if it will happen to anyone, it will happen to me. 

But I also feel really awful so realistically, I have to do something.

So I went to the pharmacy to get it. And they refused to give it to me. I'm not kidding. They refused. Told me I should ask my doctor for more information because I was pregnant and there are known side effects and risks.

So.... I left without it. I have a call into my doctor but fuck. It's so frustrating. Again, I'm mentally debating to myself- is it better to just be sad the entire time with a few good days and know I'm not putting my baby at risk OR do I say my mental health is worth more than the risks? If something, heaven forbid, happened to the baby because of me being on this, I would go right over the edge. I would feel endlessly guilty and like a horrible mother. I don't know that I'd really recover from that, you know?

In the meantime, I am down four pounds in the last four weeks and have a bump.
12 weeks

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Owlcrate: Magic

Yikes- I am so behind in updating you on my subscription boxes! If it makes you feel any better, I haven't read any of the books in my Owlcrate or Bookworm Box yet, but I wanted to share with you what I got anyways.

The theme for January 2016 Owlcrate box was MAGIC. Now, I knew that could mean a whole bunch of themes but we were given the spoilers that we'd have a Harry Potter themed item AND a Funko figurine, which are kind of *the* thing to have now. So when my box came I was pretty excited!

I only took one kind of terrible photo (sorry) but you get the idea of what we received:


  • A Harry Potter Funko character. They sent out five different characters, but everyone I know (including me) ended up with Dumbledore. Which... whomp whomp. I was hoping for Snape but hey- that's how it rolls. So Dumbledore is hanging out on my bookshelf. 
  • We also got a second Harry Potter item, a Patronus Lip Balm from Geek Fire Labs. It's a mint and white chocolate scent, which I admittedly have not opened yet because white chocolate scent usually triggers a migraine so we'll see. But it's a cute little chapstick. 
  • Evie Bookish created two super cool art pieces for us in this box. First is a book mark based off of Maggie Stiefvater's The Raven Cycle (I love that author, LOVE HER) so that's pretty cool. Secondly we got an art print insired by Sarah J. Mass' Throne of Glass, which I haven't read but I love this piece. 
  • Lastly the book we got was Worlds of Ink and Shadow by Lena Coakley. I wanted to start this the weekend I got my box but then I looked at my calendar and realized I have a LOT of review books I need to be working on. So this pretty will have to sit on the shelf a bit longer. We also got an exclusive letter from the author (which I've been storing in the inside cover of my book) and a paper doll kit. Which, if we're being honest- I threw out because who has time for that shit? I certainly don't. 
I have to tell you, Owlcrate is easily one of the most reliably great book subscription boxes currently out there. The books are always new releases, most of the time they are hotly anticipated new releases and the items you get are super fun and unique. If you are looking to try Owlcrate, head over HERE and sign up, even just for one month. If you don't like it, cancel by the first and you're done. It's a box of happy mail every month- who couldn't use that?!