Becoming Calder

Before we get into today's blog post, I have gotten several emails from people asking me questions about yesterday's post and I just want to say thank you, and I have a part two for you. I feel like I didn't give enough information, so stay tuned for that tomorrow. Swearsies.

In the middle of depression I have been trying to read as much as I can because sometimes that helps. I will tell you right now that this book has a sequel and this books ends in a HUGE cliffhanger, so please order both this book and the sequel, Finding Eden.

Becoming Calder - Mia Sheridan

There is a place in modern day America with no electricity, no plumbing, and no modern conveniences. In this place, there is no room for dreams, no space for self-expression, and no tolerance for ambition.

In this place, there is a boy with the body of a god and the heart of a warrior. He is strong and faithful and serves his family honorably. But he dares to dream of more.

In this place, there is a girl with the face of an angel and a heart full of courage. To her family, she is the vision of obedient perfection. But she dares to want that which she has been told can never be hers.

Becoming Calder is the story of good versus evil, fear versus bravery, and the truth that the light of love has always found its way into even the darkest of places . . . From the beginning of time, to the end of the world.

First off, I'm going to tell you this book starts off kind of weird as it introduces the world of basically a cult in the middle of Arizona. The concept is so foreign to me, and it's a little bizarre, so stick with it during the slow start because it gets so good. It's such an innocent love that you can't help but root for Calder and Eden despite literally every possible roadblock set up to prevent that. Calder is just such a sweet, honorable guy that you know he would literally suffer to the ends of the world to save Eden and give her the life she deserves, and she would do the same. Eden is "destined" to be the bride of Hector, the cult leader, and usher their entire group into the afterlife of Elysium. Calder, after discovering that Hector isn't what he was grown up to believe him to be, and he begins planning his escape from Acadia and Hector... but he wants to bring Eden and his friend Xander with him.

Shenanigans and the scariness of entering the "real world" after having zero experience with money, talking to people, using phones, electricity, etc happen.

The books ends on such a breathtaking cliffhanger that I was literally clutching my chest and yelling at the book.

And immediately ordered book two on Amazon and it should be here by Thursday it said. Hello, weekend plans!

I am SUCH a fan of Mia Sheridan and I've read one other book by her, Kyland, and I absolutely loved it so much. I feel like I'm going to need to purchase everything by her because I love her writing so much and her ability to write such amazing characters. If you are in the market for a really solid love story, pick this two up. And get Kyland as well because I love that book as well.

Life is just.. it's insane.

I have SO MUCH to talk to you about, so many amazing things to share with you from just the last week. I honestly have to write it down to keep it straight in my head because it's so much for me to process right now. I promise it'll come.

But let's talk about an update on me. I feel like I'm not doing a good job documenting this because it's really overwhelming. I don't know what is notable and what isn't, if that makes any sense. And to be honest, I don't know how much you want to know, like really know. I say that because I've encountered people who will always ask me how I'm doing and if I say, "great!", I'm totally lying. 100%, flat out, not even good at it, lying. But if you tell someone what things are really like, it's an immediate awkward silence and they look around for someone else to basically save them from this conversation. I can hardly get offended or upset because I likely would do the same thing. For the people who stick it out and then ask the next inevitable question, "What can I do?", I don't have an answer. If I had an answer I wouldn't be having this conversation. So leaving the house has become so tough because I don't want to face this conversation and I don't want to make people feel weird and helpless.

Right now I'm kind of in limbo with doctors. I keep seeing my regular practitioner almost every other week as we try to get my blood pressure medication regulated and migraines under control. Fun development of Reynaud's Phenomenon has happened.

It's relatively harmless, one hand (always my left) and the tips of my toes turn purple. Both hands will periodically go numb, like you gave them a shot of Novocaine, and sometimes are tingly. It's really annoying. We decreased my blood pressure medication to see if it helps but now I get frequent migraines so I'd rather have cold and tingly extremities. I asked her for a referral to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN and so far I haven't heard but she told me it could take awhile to get that set up and even still it could be a few months out. Nothing about Mayo actually goes quickly so to be patient.

So I wait.

So besides my regular doctor, I'm seeing my therapist every other week as well. I've gone three times I think and it's really... it's helping. I find that I look forward to going because I can fully unload what I'm thinking and feeling and leave there feeling like she isn't judging me. Sometimes when I tell people how things are really going for me they get scared, worried, and angry with me.

Bottom line is that I'm suicidal. It's a really scary thing to just say that, just throw it out there like that, but I have been told that as soon as I admit that, and tell someone, it helps. And it actually does, oddly enough. I'm not as scared of myself now that I've been honest with people.  I've gone from passive suicidal, (saying I wasn't planning anything but I maybe wouldn't hustle across the street as fast if a bus was coming) to staring at my pills every night and wondering if I took them all what would happen. Surely I'd have a heart attack or something. I spend a good chunk of every single day wishing I had actually died and stayed dead. I lay in bed and wonder what the point of any of this is. I find no joy in my children, my husband, my home, my life. That doesn't mean I don't like any of that, it doesn't mean I wouldn't fight to the death for them. It means there is something wrong in my brain that just isn't connecting the dots.

I remember hearing about people who were suicidal and I'd get so angry with them, like how selfish can you be? You have an amazing, blessed, beautiful life. You have what millions wish they could have, you don't have a terrible lot in life at all compared to others yet you wish you were dead. Is seriously nothing ever going to be good enough for you? And as it turns out, no. Not with the brain chemistry I've got right now, nothing will ever be good enough.

Another thing I learned in therapy this week, that I hadn't thought of, was that the Sara that I knew so well and everyone else knew is dead. She died and she isn't ever coming back. So what we have now is a brand new Sara. I don't know her, Matt doesn't know her, my kids don't know her and this new Sara doesn't know any of them. And so I'm in the process of doing all of this and recovering physically. Toss in regular life, stress, financial stress, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and yeah... that basically sums up my life. It's like if someone plopped you into a stranger's life and told you to assume the role of that person.

I can't do it.

I can't be that mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, person I was.

The kicker is that I have enough memory that I know I was good at things, I was organized, I was funny, I was smart, I was active, I was a lot of things and I'm not any of that anymore. I don't know what I am. I don't even want to be anything, I want to just sleep. I want to be gone because I have to think I'm more of a burden being alive than gone because this? This is a really horrible existence.

So in these few months I've learned that time is meaningless. What is no time at all for you is an eternity for me. I've learned that the mental health crisis in this country is real and it is terrifying. I've learned that the suicide hotlines are a joke and honestly I felt worse after talking to that guy. I've learned that until you have held a handful of pills in your hand and were so close, you have not a damn thing to say about anyone, ever. You can't insert your opinion about suicide or depression, just be so thankful that you don't know what that's like. Because these are dark days, friends. Dark days. I'm getting better at faking it and being happy for the sake of people around me but I'd be lying if I told you I didn't lay in my bed and cry each and every night because I can't hold it in anymore.

2017.. let's do it. Easy like Sunday morning, baby.

I am not usually that one who is all ready to go for a new year and making plans and such because I know myself. I know full out that tomorrow morning I'm probably going to be like, "meh... being fat isn't so bad... I'm always warm. There's that." But this year I feel like I have a real obligation to do something with myself and with this year. I think dying twice in 2016 qualifies this as the big "Second Chance" that most don't get and you're supposed to do something profound with. Which stresses me out and kind of makes me feel a little panicky because.. what if I really suck at it? But I've got plans, lambs. Possibly mediocre and lame, but plans nonetheless.

• Complete all 9 weeks of the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class with Matt. We're signed up and I'm nervous about it being hard and scary, but we are going to do it. 
• End the year with $1000 in our emergency account. By god, nobody is allowed to die this year. 
• Finish my book. I know, you're like, "FINALLY" and I'm like, "I've got 3 typed pages!" but I'm going to do it. I swear. 
• I'm going to Florida to see family. I don't know how, but it has to happen. I feel a weird urgency about it so I need to make it a priority. 
• I'm going to celebrate turning 35 in March big. I'm not sure how, but by god, it's a milestone for sure. 
• I'm going on a friend vacation. I don't know when/who/what/where, but I am going to leave this house and I'm going to do something I've never done and get on a plane with friends and go somewhere. And do something. And probably eat a lot of ice cream. 

That's it. I have to get creative and work on some of these but I feel like I want to walk out of 2017 saying it was a great year. That it was the best year ever. I can't end 2017 feeling suicidal, scared, depressed, sick, and awful. I just can't.

Just get out of here already. Seriously.

It's really no secret that if you were a celebrity, you were probably laying low for fear the reaper was coming for you while wearing 2016 glasses. Unfortunately for the rest of us, 2016 was just as much of an asshole to us as well.

While the last week of 2016 was actually pretty amazing for us, the majority of 2016 was absolutely horrible. I could recap it all but I won't. Sometimes it's better to just let awful things be, you know? But what I have learned from 2016 is that for the second time in my life, a crisis shows me who is a friend and who isn't. Who your actual ride or die village is and who only wants a ride when it's convenient and fun for them. I've said some tough goodbye's to friends who weren't friends at all and I've said some really feel good purges on Facebook of people who don't deserve the best me, or my family, has to offer.

And it feels good. It's amazing how free you can feel when you just don't care anymore.

But there are a few friends, people I would drop everything for to help them in a time of need that I haven't said goodbye to yet, and I know I should. It's so hard to break up with friends, especially people who you really like as individuals, people you miss dearly and keep trying to make the relationship work with, and they just.. don't. We have different lifestyles (I have kids, they don't, they work, I don't, they have money to do fun things, I don't, etc) but I still feel like the foundation for a good friendship is there. I don't know why it doesn't work anymore. Maybe I should just ask. Or maybe I should just walk away and be sad for awhile and then that's it. I don't know.

I do know that 2016 has just been so damn awful and I don't want another year like this one again for a long, long time. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it to be honest with you. I barely made it out of this year alive, if there is any kind of justice in the world 2017 will be kind.

P.S. I Like You

I've decided since my brain is kind of mushy by the end of the day that I'd get myself on a YA reading kick because those always seem to be fast and easy reads. I also have given myself a goal of actually reading every book on my shelf and I have a bunch from book boxes that I just haven't gotten to yet, so I found this one, and so I read it. And really liked it.

P.S. I Like You - Kasie West

Signed, sealed, delivered…

While spacing out in chemistry class, Lily scribbles some of her favorite song lyrics onto her desk. The next day, she finds that someone has continued the lyrics on the desk and added a message to her. Intrigue!

Soon, Lily and her anonymous pen pal are exchanging full-on letters—sharing secrets, recommending bands, and opening up to each other. Lily realizes she’s kind of falling for this letter writer. Only, who is he? As Lily attempts to unravel the mystery and juggle school, friends, crushes, and her crazy family, she discovers that matters of the heart can’t always be spelled out…

Can I just be honest with you? When I was in high school I was very much like Lily. A little strange, no boys seemingly had any interest, and I had friends who really tried to get me to talk to a guy. Any guy. And just not make fun of him, be nice, and give him a chance. Except I couldn't because I was really terrified he wouldn't like me or it'd end badly and all of a sudden totally untrue rumors would go around school and I'd be even more of a social outcast than I already was. So I just didn't, but this would have been a dream scenario had this happened to me.

Anyways. So we have introverted, awkward, sarcastic Lily who has a chaotic home life with all of her siblings, so she feels a little ignored at best. One day she begins an anonymous letter exchange with someone in an earlier period of Chemistry than her and after a few letters she realizes it's actually a guy she's writing to. And falling for. One day, against her better judgement, she goes to the classroom on an errand to see who her pen pal is but when she sees who he is, she's equal parts intrigued and horrified. And torn because of the connection to her best friend. Enter mean girls, awkwardness, family issues, and preconceived judgments, and you have a really great book. I flew through this book in two nights before bed and if you're in the mood for something light but also fun, and remind you of what first love was like, this is your next book.

Wallflower Blooming

I'm going to have a bunch of books coming at you this month because I've kind of been on a roll, so stay tuned!

Wallflower Blooming - Amy Rivers

Val Shakely is a list-maker. Daily routine. Check. Calm, quiet (but successful) business. Check. No drama. No excitement. Some might call it boring, but it’s precisely the way Val likes it. She loves her hometown of Cambria, nestled in the mountains of Colorado, and runs a fruitful PR firm. And that’s more than enough for Val. So what if she doesn’t have a social life? Then, her cousin Gwen decides to take on the local political bully, the Mayor, in head-to-head combat for the Mayoral seat and Val takes her company reluctantly, and against her better judgment, into the fray. The minute Val takes on Gwen’s campaign, the safe world that she has carefully constructed begins to unravel. She feels the pressure of the campaign and the personal attacks by Gwen’s opponent. And as if that wasn’t complicated enough, Val finds herself falling in love. Val’s desire to stay on the sidelines is put to the test and she’s forced to reexamine the life she’s built as she trudges toward a new and more exciting future. 

If you are kind of overwhelmed with the holidays and don't really want to commit to a lengthy book, this is definitely a good option for you. Coming in at just under 200 pages, this book is a cute little PG romance set around local politics. I know, after the election this fall you are probably burnt out on politics, but this is features a hot mayoral race in small town Cambria, Colorado between Val Shakely's cousin Gwen and incumbent Roger Barton. Val reluctantly agrees to take charge of Gwen's media and marketing for her campaign and it throws Val into the uncomfortable waters of being in the public eye. Once thrust into the crowds of the local elite, Val meets elusive bachelor John Hatfield who almost immediately shows an interest in Val. The personal attacks and nitty gritty of a political campaign threaten to get the best of Val, but John does his best to hold her together even when attacks verge towards physical.

Overall? I'm rating this 3/5 stars. For me, it reads like an indie novel and I found some grammatical errors, more towards the end of the book. The romance is very PG, which makes it a great option for readers who don't want to hear about pulsing private parts. The political race gets contentious and we have a build up of the incumbent mayor having a real issue  but when we find out what made him so vile and vicious? Total let down for me, I was hoping it was going to be a real revelation instead of what it was. I also found the relationship between Val and John kind of boring? But you need to keep in mind I like a fairly dirty romance so that's a preference of mine. Val is kind of an annoying character, she seemed kind of immature and overly anxious over minute details.But the book itself is a fast read with a predictable, happy ending.

It's all going to get better. Dove chocolate says so.

I know I've been on a weight loss kick (or trying to be) but if we're being honest, I ate an entire bag of Dove chocolate this weekend while in bed and I kind of don't feel bad. I feel more bad that I slept for almost the entire day on Saturday and didn't care that Matt was dealing Penelope the Beast and Lucy the Cutest on his own. I think it's good for him because there are a lot of days I'm left feeling like he must think I literally do nothing all day. Just sit on my phone playing Candy Crush, reading books, watching Paternity Court on TV, eating Cheez-It's until he gets home where I put all of that away to make it look like I've been productive.

(Again, if we're being honest, I sometimes eat my lunch while watching Paternity Court, playing Candy Crush, and eating Cheez-It's, but I'm eating lunch and keeping an eye on Penelope the Beast while she eats HER lunch and Lucy is right here. It's OK if I'm still mom'ing it.)

But in the total scheme of things? I'm struggling. I'm now on my third anti-depressant and honest to god, this one makes me feel AWFUL. I thought the Lexapro was bad but at least on that one I wasn't physically able to cry for some reason. I wanted to, badly, like an itch I couldn't scratch, but tears would not come. Now I'm on Cymbalta and woah- I can cry now! Which is frustrating because I was sure that if I could just cry a little bit I would have found this good balance between keeping it together and letting it out.

But no. Turns out, that's not how any of this works.

I saw my primary doctor on Friday and because I've gone through three, I now have to go to a psychotherapist who can do more in depth evaluation on what I need. Which... it's depressing. I'm getting really frustrated with doctors and I know it isn't rational- they are doing the very best that they can for me and are just as frustrated.

The worst part? Is that I feel genuinely bad about being depressed. There are so many people doing kind and amazing things for us, I am blown away every day by emails from friends and strangers, people bringing us dinner and gifts, people coming over to see how they can help- I am so grateful that people care so much. I honestly think I would be worse off without these things.

But.

There is a large part of me who is so tired of not feeling well, of being sad, being overwhelmed and that part of me really wishes I wasn't here. I sometimes wish I had just died during my AFE. I keep telling my doctors that I'm not suicidal, I don't feel like finding the means and carrying out the act of killing myself, but if a bus was coming at me down the road, I maybe wouldn't hustle as fast to get out of the way.

I fully recognize that when I say this people don't know how to respond and it scares them. It scares them, it makes them angry, it makes them sad. I get it. I'm so sorry because I can't change that any more than I can't change how I feel. It's a really awful feeling to have and I haven't talked about it much because I don't want to worry people any more than they already do. But I recently read that if you want to conquer something, you have to acknowledge it, make it real. So that's what I'm doing. It feels like such a small step but I hope it's a big one because there is really nothing more frustrating than to feel this awful despite all of the good going on around me. I hate that my own brain isn't letting me find joy in all of these things. I can't even have joy with my children- I'm so tired of hearing their voices and seeing their faces and I would rather lay in the dark all alone. And I hate it. There are so many people out there who would love the noises in my home, the love they have to give, and I'm just here. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Anxious. Worried. Confused. Tired.

But, Dove chocolate tells me it's going to be OK. I'm pretty sure chocolate wouldn't lie.