December 2019 Wrap up.... 2020 Goals

I knew going into December it was going to fly by because I had a lot going on and the sheer amount of work that goes into Christmas makes days go by. It's only dawned on me in the last day that this is the end of a decade and that's weird but I also no longer have concept of time so I guess maybe it isn't so weird after all.

December Highlights:

• We had Snowmaggedon at the very end of November but it carried over in December and it was ridiculous. It was the first time (that I can remember) that I was legitimately snowed in and unable to leave my house. 
• The big three went to Grandma's for the weekend, so Matt and I only had Lucy and it was a DREAM. When the big three came back we made a last minute decision to go to Bentleyville to see all of the Christmas lights and freeze our asses off waiting for Santa in the name of tradition. 
• I really struggled with depression this month, I saw the weight loss doctor and learned I was fatter than I thought I was and started a diet in which I think I'm failing and I can't wait to go back in January. Ha!
• I gave you a recap of my Best Books of 2019 and I hope you found your next read on there. 
• Olivia had her first 8th grade band concert, they did SO well!! A far cry from the squeaky and rough 6th grade band!
• Olivia, Penelope, and Lucy had a dance recital (pictures coming soon). 
• Penelope had her first grade school winter concert. She did pretty well but was totally nervous and it was adorable. 
• Lucy had a family fun day at school so I can and we made crafts and sang songs. She was totally excited to show me all the things. 
• We had Christmas and it was great. 

Books I read:

• The Cost of Honor ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• A Lady's Past  ⭐⭐⭐
• I Heart Hawaii ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Our Totally Ridiculous, Made Up Christmas Relationship ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Christmas in Newfoundland ⭐⭐
• The Playground ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Landon & Shay (part two) ⭐⭐⭐
• Hoops Holiday (novella) ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Cowboy Christmas Redemption ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

2020 Goals: 

I'm going to put my yearly goals for 2020 here because I feel like January is all about setting yourself up for the rest of the year, so we are doing that all month and coming up with a plan. 

• Our current debt (not including our home or vehicle) is hovering at $41,000. We would like to get that down to $28,000. To get there it means really buckling down on things. Sorry friends, we likely won't be sending fun things to you randomly during the year. We probably won't be doing a lot of fun stuff that isn't free. We're going to do a budget friendly vacation this year. We need to figure out how to free up $1100 per month or so to do this. 
• Budget friendly vacation! We do plan on doing a road trip but we're looking at the possibilities to cross a bunch of states off our list but also won't break the bank. Option A: Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas or Option : Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky. Please weigh in. Our requirement to cross it off is to do a touristy thing in each state, maybe more than one. 
• Continue with therapy and get through the year. I know that seems kind of dumb, but I know 2020 is going to be a difficult year for me because the support system I've relied on is going to be gone, so I will have to do a lot all on my own. I know, millions of people do this every day, but I struggle. I can no longer "go with the flow" or multi-task and I struggle with every day things. I look "normal", I sound "normal", I am not "normal". I have been struggling with a lot of things and the realization that I'm at my peak recovery and I'm not back to my normal.... it's upsetting to say the least. 
• Olivia and I are going to Washington D.C./New York City in March and I'm so excited for her. Her friends who are going are excited that I am going to because I think having a mom you know is comforting. I am scared shitless and I am so worried I'm going to get sick, get disoriented/confused, or that something will happen to me. This is my first time going somewhere without some I know/trust helping me. I am terrified. 
• I would like to finish our Missouri vacation and my Vegas vacation scrapbooks this year. I really want to get back into scrapbooking. 
• Organize my office/library/craft room. Matt says he will help and build me a table/desk to make my room seem larger and maybe help me with storage and I am so excited and really hope it happens. I just need to find some ideas now! 
• Lose 15 pounds. I know my goal for 2019 was to lose 5 pounds, and I did that (barely) but my goal for 2020 is to lose 15. I can do this, I have to buckle down. 

That's it, those are my goals for 2020. What are some of your goals? 

The end of the worst year of my life.

I know I said last year was the worst year of my life, but that's not true. If anything it really was the best year. Sure, I died and that's not ideal, but I saw the kindness of so many people, people who knew me and even more who didn't and it's hard to not be buoyed by that. My family was completed with Lucy's birth. So many good things happened in 2016 that I can't call it my worst year.

2017 grabbed that title easily. Here's why:

• I started the year off with my first suicide attempt. It wasn't real serious, it was more of a trial run with messing with medications just to see what would happen. I ended up in the ER and back home in a few hours, but I felt awful for weeks. 
• I thought 2016 was my rock bottom with depression and that wasn't true. 2017 wanted me to hold it's beer and show me how it's really done. I have never in my life gone through the harrowing moments I did this year. I suffer mostly in silence because I'm scared what people will think when I tell them what's going through my head. Instead, I mostly cry in the shower as every horrible thought goes through my head like a movie reel I can't stop. 
• I tried so many medications to improve my mental health and I finally understand when people say the side effects are almost worst than the illness itself. I have dealt with bugs crawling on me, electronic shocks all over my body, numbness in all of my limbs, shooting pain down my limbs, the worst migraines of my life, stomach pains that rivaled labor contractions, and uncontrollable thoughts. 
• In the spring I stood at Enger Tower and stood with my arms outstretched on the edge of the cliff. I just felt the wind going through my fingers and voice telling me to do it. It was the most liberating, and most terrifying, feeling I have ever felt in my life. 
• I realized just how disabled I am. Sure, there are lots of things I can still do, but a lot of the things that made me like myself are things I can no longer do. I am learning that I never learned to love myself for myself and if I'm not doing something perfectly, it's OK. If I'm not the best, the quietest, the most organized, the over achiever, it's OK. It doesn't feel OK. I'm just a regular nobody if I'm not over achieving. 
• I had more panic attacks than I want to admit. More outbursts that scared my children and Matt. I learned that PTSD isn't a joke and it doesn't care how much therapy you do, it will always find you. I have spent more days crying in my dark closet than I have doing something I enjoy. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
• In November it was everything I could do to not pull over on the Blatnik Bridge and get out. I felt like I actually had no control over it. The only thing keeping me here is guilt and I'm sick of feeling guilty about everything. I just want peace. 
• I have sat in parking garages of the hospital and sobbed because I'm sick of being diagnosed with another thing. I'm sick of feeling like every ache or pain is a larger ailment, that I'm falling apart and I have no control over it. I am sick of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me. I'm sick of people assuming I'm fine because I "look good" when inside I'm constantly looking for a way out of life. 

With all of that, it's not hard to think that 2018 has to be better. Just statistically, a single person can't have continuous awfulness, right? I mean, it has to surely end sometime. So let's talk about my goals for 2018. I no longer have resolutions, I'm giving myself goals. 

• Lose 5 pounds. Seems easy and lame but it's going to be everything in me to lose that given all of my health issues and restrictions. I'm going to try though. 
• Do a boudoir shoot. I feel like I'm at the most disgusting physical state that I have ever been in and every time I look in the mirror I cry at how wrecked my body is, it's been to actual hell and back and I hate every inch of it. Seems logical to do this photo shoot, right? I figure maybe someday I can do another one and it'll be an improvement. 
• Do a regression therapy session. I feel like I really need to go back to my trauma and see it happen. I am hopeful, I am terrified, I am every range of emotion. I worry that my emotional state will be worse afterwards but honestly, what do I have to lose at this point? 
• Do one fun mini trip with my kids and Matt. Last year we did Florida and that's not happening this year, but I'd like to do something with them. 
• Find a medication cocktail that actually works and that I can afford. 
• Go to a concert. I have two on deck for next year, but I'd like to find two more. 
• Read 105 books. 
• Plan a 15th anniversary trip with Matt for 2019. Just us, no kids. 
• Finish my book. I am half way through it and I'm finding I need to take large breaks between writing sessions because I am an emotional mess. 
• Do a random act of kindness every month. One of things that used to give me joy is spreading kindness, doing something nice just because for someone. I've started on that this month already but I am running on the theory that if I do it more, it'll bring more joy. We'll see. 

I hope 2018 is kinder to you as well. I know we all have problems. People are out there dying and they don't want to, and I'm over here wishing I was dead. I understand the absurdity of that. It is what it is. These are the cards I was given, I'm shuffling them and dealing them out as many different ways as I can and I'm trying. Nobody can say I'm not trying. God speed, lambs. 

Just get out of here already. Seriously.

It's really no secret that if you were a celebrity, you were probably laying low for fear the reaper was coming for you while wearing 2016 glasses. Unfortunately for the rest of us, 2016 was just as much of an asshole to us as well.

While the last week of 2016 was actually pretty amazing for us, the majority of 2016 was absolutely horrible. I could recap it all but I won't. Sometimes it's better to just let awful things be, you know? But what I have learned from 2016 is that for the second time in my life, a crisis shows me who is a friend and who isn't. Who your actual ride or die village is and who only wants a ride when it's convenient and fun for them. I've said some tough goodbye's to friends who weren't friends at all and I've said some really feel good purges on Facebook of people who don't deserve the best me, or my family, has to offer.

And it feels good. It's amazing how free you can feel when you just don't care anymore.

But there are a few friends, people I would drop everything for to help them in a time of need that I haven't said goodbye to yet, and I know I should. It's so hard to break up with friends, especially people who you really like as individuals, people you miss dearly and keep trying to make the relationship work with, and they just.. don't. We have different lifestyles (I have kids, they don't, they work, I don't, they have money to do fun things, I don't, etc) but I still feel like the foundation for a good friendship is there. I don't know why it doesn't work anymore. Maybe I should just ask. Or maybe I should just walk away and be sad for awhile and then that's it. I don't know.

I do know that 2016 has just been so damn awful and I don't want another year like this one again for a long, long time. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it to be honest with you. I barely made it out of this year alive, if there is any kind of justice in the world 2017 will be kind.