When babies make you sad and ice cream doesn't help.

I know I've talked many times about my parenting woes and I think I even talked about my case of post-partum depression with Olivia but because it's been awhile and I have newbies, maybe it's time to revisit that because even if it turns out you hate your baby and you feel like a horrible monster?

You're not and it's going to be OK. (So long as you don't actually hurt your baby because then it's definitely not OK.) And this is all spurred on because one of my favorite new people blogged about this yesterday and  it was a really great post and this is also more of my story so she doesn't feel awful.

So when I got pregnant with Olivia, Matt and I had only been married for six months, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, grossly in debt and totally young and stupid. I cannot emphasize it enough- we were ill prepared. I know at the time I had naysayers who said we were ill prepared and I was like, bitches please... I've got this. And I really thought I did. I knew I'd love the baby, and at least I wasn't 16 and pregnant. By then I had graduated college, started my career, was a full fledged adult. I had the world by the balls. Well, every one except Capital One. They had me by my pretend balls. But that's another story for another day.

When I was five months pregnant we decided to cash out all of Matt's investments (dumb idea) and bought ourselves the ghetto homestead we're in now. We had NO IDEA how much this investment would be. The bills were all more, it was stressful, there was nobody to call when your toilet randomly leaks and you can't make it stop and you're crying because you can't find a fucking wrench ANYWHERE and you just want to pee and your husband isn't answering his god damn phone.

Anyways.

So in September, I had Olivia. It was a ridiculously easy pregnancy, I gained 15 pounds, I was healthy, and as it turns out, these hips were made for birthing because I had the easiest labor and delivery ever. But when they handed me Olivia? Terrified. The fear of all of a sudden having to be responsible for another person 24/7 probably for the rest of my life is terrifying. I didn't fall in love with her. I didn't feel like even holding her. I had nurses pushing the whole breastfeeding thing on me and they made me feel like a shit mom that A) I couldn't do it and B) when I was trying I realized nothing about this feels right to me. I'm not joking when I say I felt bullied by nurses, lactation consultants and even my mother in law. So I cried. I cried for a really long time when people left me alone. They would call me and let me know Olivia needed to be fed, or changed, or whatever and really try to engage me as a mom and I didn't want it. By the second day of being a mom I knew that I wasn't cut out for this and I had made a really huge mistake.

And I was ashamed to feel that way.

When she came home and realized that clearly, my daughter hates me, because she cried endlessly for me but totally love Matt. I felt betrayed. I carried her for nine months, I was the sole care taker for her, I read to her in utero, I talked to her every day and told her how her daddy and I met and how excited we were for her, all of it.

And she  hated me. Clearly.

Matt went back to work after two weeks and I was terrified. I found out later even he was scared and people tried to "check in" on me but they were probably making sure I hadn't killed us yet. She would cry for hours in her crib and I had thoughts of shaking her, smothering her, doing anything I could to make it stop. For it to all be over. I'd cry for hours with her. I couldn't do anything right and everyone just told me the baby blues go away and stop worrying about it.

But it didn't.

For weeks I would walk around the neighborhood, completely zoned out and crying with my child in a stroller crying hysterically. I'm pretty sure the neighbors felt bad for me but at the same time, would worry if they didn't see the bat shit terrible mother who can't calm her child down.

For an entire year I suffered. No doctor would listen to me when I said I didn't feel better. I wanted to be away from my child. I resented Matt for being a better parent and I hated that  he didn't pay any attention to me anymore. At the same time I didn't want attention, I just really wanted to run away and make it all stop. I was too scared to tell doctors that I wanted to kill my baby or myself because I thought they'd take her away. I may not want her but I don't want others to have her. They could be worse than me.

By the time her first birthday rolled around I was way fat, I had a terrible hair cut, Matt and I were having a hard time, and I just wanted to make it all better. So I got on anti depressants which didn't help but the illusion of them helping made stuff get better.

Then when Olivia was 2 I found out I was pregnant. Horrible time in my life. Matt and I were considering divorce, bankruptcy was happening, I was hysterical and sad- complete opposite of how I was with Olivia. I was pregnant with twins. When I found out at my 7 week appointment that I lost one, god help me but I was thrilled. The thought of three kids on my own was terrifying, two seemed manageable.

Again, easy pregnancy. Not as enjoyable labor and delivery but it wasn't awful. And when they put Jackson in my arms? My heart grew. My chest hurt from all of the love beaming out of me. I cried, and I cuddled him, I could not get enough. And I was so sad because it was then that the full impact of what I missed with Olivia hit me. And maybe that's why I still feel like I struggle so much with Olivia. I love her to my core but it will always be a different love than with Jackson. Not bad, it's still equal, but it's different.

So what held made me keep it together? Support. I had a mom who helped me every time I'd cry and say I couldn't do it. I had a husband that despite thinking I was crazy and being sick of me being crazy, stuck in it with me and picked up the slack that I left. I think that's also why our marriage works- he's really seen me at my absolute worst and just stayed there right with me. He didn't yell at me, didn't tell me I should do something a different way, never pushed his opinions on me, he just helped me at every turn.

So now when friends have their babies I get angry when I see a bunch of breastfeeding crazies push it on a new mom. That shit is hard and not everyone is cut out for it. I really feel like that really fucked me up the first time around. I didn't want to fail as a new mom and they made me feel like I was when I couldn't do it. I also get annoyed when people I know who are damn well not ready to have a baby do it anyways. I want to shake them and say this is not something to fuck around with. Everything about life you love as a child free person is now over. Forever. Or until your child gets their own life without you. I was 23 when I had Olivia and that is so grossly young it's unbelievable. Incredibly stupid to do that. And to be frank, it's selfish to have a baby because you love babies. You have to really have a need to mother and be totally selfless.

And not everyone has that. I really struggle every day with it. And that's OK.

So if you're pregnant- good luck to you. I really wish you a good birth and singing angels and glitter and  unicorns and all of that. If you're thinking about getting pregnant, eyes wide open. Really think about why you're doing it and it's totally OK to decide kids aren't for you. If you already have kids and struggle? It'll be OK. Don't let people (especially other moms) judge you and make you feel like less of a mom. Women are bitches and they'll tear you down. Just do the best you can for you and your baby and things will be OK.

Eternal (and Televenge giveaway winner)

Holy crapola- I forgot to announce the winner for the book Televenge. I'm such an ass. So thank YOU random number generator..

#5 Gini

YAY, Gini! I have your address around here somewhere so I'll forward that on and you'll get to read a really great book. (And then I want you to tell me what you thought!) But let's talk about another book because none of you are reading enough and it's my job to fill your lists.

Eternal - H. G. Nadel

Julia Jones is an eighteen-year-old science prodigy with a big secret. After landing a prestigious internship with brilliant but eccentric Dr. Caleb Bertel, she is finally ready to move on from her mother’s death. But after Julia revives Dr. Bertel from a near-fatal electrocution, strange things start to happen.

Without warning, Dr. Bertel disappears. Then Julia receives threatening notes on her car, and someone has her followed. The young police officer assigned to the case, Austin Moore, believes the events are connected and asks her to help him solve the mystery of Bertel’s disappearance. Instantly attracted to him, Julia agrees. Still, she knows that she has seen Austin somewhere before, if only she could put her finger on it.

Will Julia uncover the mystery of Bertel’s disappearance before it’s too late, and does she dare trust Austin with her heart?

OK, this is kind of a suspense/mystery/paranormal/romance all in one. If you like cross genre books with enough story making you wonder what the eff is actually going on, this one is for you. I will warn you right up front that some of the speech or how things written felt a little different to me, but it's not enough to make you say to hell with it all and give up on it. Also weird is that I just finished the book Beautiful Creatures (in time for the movie, of course) and the romance aspect of it was kind of similar whereas both couples are essentially soul mates and have had several lifetimes together but one or both of them screw it up and so they re-live it until they get it right.. kind of. 

So that alone is kind of interesting because you're waiting to see if Julia and Austin figure it out this time. And while Dr. Bertel and others are essentially possessed by .. demons??, it kind of feels more like zombies. Because their mannerisms and how they speak made me think of zombies which also is different from what I have read before. I know zombies are all the rage and while these aren't really zombies, that's what I kept feeling like they really were. 

I loved the story overall, finished it rather quickly because it's under 300 pages so that's basically an afternoon delight for me. I also love that the characters are developed enough for the story, but there is room left to grow for what will be a trilogy. A lot of things are either left hanging or finished in a way that there clearly could be more and that there should be, but you aren't left feeling pissed off that an author just gave up on this book. 

But my favorite part of this book is the look back in time. Not only are we reading Julia and Austin's modern day romance and story, but they are the reincarnate of Abelard and Heloise who is like the French version of Romeo and Juliet. They obviously have a tragically sad and horrific story and it's kind of replayed in modern day, which is a really cool twist for a book. Not many authors can wrap two stories into one seamlessly that requires you not to think to hard, and H.G. Nadel does it well. Totally impressed with that and frankly, that kind of made the book for me. 

Check out the author's webpage, Twitter and Facebook too and get updates on the rest of her trilogy!

Shaky legs, urine, and meth addicted zombies.

You all need to be proud of me, bitches. NOT ONLY did I make tonight's dinner when I would normally give up when A) I'm missing ingredients and B) fail to realize that it needs to simmer for 1 1/2 hours and I'm starting to cook at 4:30. It just seems so daunting and usually I'm all, "fuck this, get me some pizza" and that solves that.

BUT NO.

I made dinner while simultaneously making tomorrow's dinner which required me to like mix shit and brown some steak in a skillet and then get it all together in a crockpot so it can marinate over night. BAM, bitches. BAM.

Even Matt was all impressed and optimistic I could maybe kick my french fries at 9pm habit. Seeing how it is only 7:40, I'm hungry and I just finished day one of 30 Day Shred? That is yet to be determined. I see him getting all presumptuous and getting his pajamas on. Silly, silly husband.

Which brings me to urine. While doing the 30 Day Shred I remembered that Jillian is a fan of jumping jacks and jumping rope and literally kicking your own ass, which means the whole "my bladder isn't what it once was" comes back as I pee myself.

Yeah, I peed my own pants in my own living room while doing jumping jacks.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I keep doing my fucking Kegels and Matt tells me things are as good, if not better, than they were pre-babies so I know I'm doing those often enough. Like twice every day for the last five years yet I cannot get through 20 jumping jacks without peeing my pants. The doctor basically said before that there isn't anything I can do short of a bladder sling or pelvic mesh which not happening because you always see those lawsuit commercials warning about collapsed bladders and snapped slings. No fucking thank you.

But I need to figure out what the eff to do about this. It's kind of disgusting. I'm just saying.

Oh but guess what I saw today? My first ever legit meth addicted zombie. From the sunken cheekbones, scabs and sores literally covering this person, patchy hair, yellowed and missing teeth and the slumped walk? I wanted to take a picture but that's how they get you- they distract you with your camera phone and then eat your brains.

I saw it on the internet. And the internet does not lie.

The Goddaughter (and Giveaway!!)

Raise your hand if you like books you can finish in under two hours!

The Goddaughter - Melodie Campbell

Gina Gallo is a gemologist who would like nothing better than to run her little jewelry shop. Unfortunately she's also "the Goddaughter," and, as she tells her new friend Pete, "you don't get to choose your relatives." And you can't avoid them when you live in Hamilton and they more or less run the place. When Gina bumps into Pete at the Art Gallery Gala, sparks fly. So do bullets, when her cousin Tony is taken down by rival mobsters from New York. It turns out Tony was carrying a load of hot gems in the heel of his shoe. When Gina is reluctantly recruited to carry the rocks back to Buffalo, the worst happens: they get stolen. Pete and Gina have no choice but to steal them back, even though philandering politicians, shoe fetishists, and a trio of inept goons stand in their way. It's all in a day's work, when you're the Goddaughter.

Short, funny, and entertaining are the three best adjectives to describe this one. This book is a Rapid Read and it clocks in at just over 100 pages so you can shove this thing in your purse and get 'er done at work on your lunch. Or extended lunch for those of you who aren't really working anyways. 

The fact that Gina is from a crime family and is so incredibly bad at being a criminal herself is kind of hilarious. I mean, hiding gems in shoes is kind of clever, but the fact she had them stolen in a mall and the chase to get them back lead her to Arizona? Even better. I also love the fact that she has Peter, who is this genuine good guy who knows she's from a crime family, and he willingly goes on the chase with her to get them back. I did find myself laughing in some spots and I finished it in under two hours including the time to eat my lunch in there. 

Basically we have suspense (will she get the gems back??), romance (does she finally fall for Peter) and comedy so you really can't go wrong with this book. It's very Stephanie Plum from the Janet Evanovich series so if you like those, you'll really like this one. You can check out Melodie's website HERE, and buy the book on Amazon HERE. 

GIVEAWAY! 

Do you want to get your very own ecopy of this book? Leave a comment on this post WITH your email and you can enter to win. :) 

The Unspeakable Book Blast

About the Author:

A veteran of the performing arts and worldwide missions, Tessa Stockton also contributed as a writer/editor for ministry publications, ghostwriter for political content, and headed a column on the topic of forgiveness. Today she writes novels in a variety of genres, often laced with romance and intrigue. In addition to her Christian suspense/thriller, THE UNSPEAKABLE, she’s the author of the political intrigue/romance, THE UNFORGIVABLE, a fable, LOVE AND LULL, and the upcoming inspirational fantasy romance, WIND’S ARIA, with more in the works.

Visit the Author:

WEBSITE | TWITTER | FACEBOOK

About the Book:

Who said forgiveness was easy?

When a furtive conflict is pitted between violent leftist guerrillas and a rightwing paramilitary group in Colombia, a North American woman mistakenly gets caught in the middle.

“I spent four months, one week and two days in a clandestine prison referred to as The Water Cave. Every day I stared hell in the face, and each day I wanted to die. I don’t want to share too much too quickly. To understand fully, you must join hands with me, fasten your heart to mine, and course through my book. Stumble over the incomprehensible human rights journey with me. I’ve pondered it to the brink of questionable sanity, and it is the only way. It’s the only way to explain. I suppose I should consider myself lucky I survived at all—for many did not—yet, perplexingly so, that’s not the premise of this narrative.

He altered my life, marked me forever.

But it’s not how you might imagine.

This is a story involving Horacio Botello, my torturer known as Puma.”

Purchase your copy:

BARNES & NOBLE | WINGS PRESS

Go HERE for your chance to win a $25 Amazon gift card AND a copy of this book:  

The Unspeakable Tour Page: 

http://www.pumpupyourbook.com/2013/01/03/pump-up-your-book-presents-the-unspeakable-book-blast-win-25-amazon-gc-free-books/

Televenge (and GIVEAWAY!)

If you are a religious person, you need to read this book. If you are a women's rights person, you need to read this book. If you are one of those "let's just mind our own business" person, you need to read this book.  I can't think of one person who should not read this book because it blew me away. How many books blow me away? Not many.

Televenge - Pamela King Cable

Andie Oliver is a faithful woman—to God, to husband Joe, and to elevangelist Reverend Calvin Artury, a Godfather in a Mafia of holy men. Raised to be subservient and submissive in the tradition of the Bible-belt South of the 70’s, she becomes a prisoner of that tradition. As a reluctant member of Artury’s evangelical megachurch, the House of Praise in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Andie’s dream of children, home, and marriage falls apart when Joe is hired on the ministry team.

The charismatic Reverend conducts faith-healing crusades, creating the largest religious TV audience in the world, surpassing the income and followers of Oral Roberts and the Reverend Billy Graham combined. Working limitless hours, Joe is sucked deeper into the ministry while Andie attempts to free him from the Reverend’s control and far-reaching influence. But it is Mavis Dumass, Andie’s best friend since birth, a sassy African-American woman and aspiring recording star, who holds the secrets to Reverend Artury’s carefully veiled debauchery. What happens to Mavis will not be forgotten as it leaves Andie near mental collapse and struggling for freedom from the cult’s grip.

Andie is still unaware of the extreme danger their pastor wields until she witnesses the murder of a church member. Fearing for her life, Andie plummets from a dreadful existence to a horrific one as she uncovers Reverend Artury’s long-hidden truths, and loses everything. But she strikes back, threatening to expose the Reverend to the world. Reverend Artury reverts to the twisted “cleansings” of his childhood. Raised by two  psychopathic aunts, he mentally declines and quickly, Andie must go into hiding. Fighting for redemption for her family and herself, Andie confronts the very definition of sin, and shakes the Christian evangelical world to its core. Evading ruthless adversaries who will go to any lengths to protect Reverend Artury, Andie battles the dark side of televangelism, forever changing a nation of evangelicals.

With more twists and turns than the Blue Ridge Parkway, Televenge exposes chaos in the megachurch, and embraces those who discover unconditional love in a world of religious deception. A story of hope, of deliverance, and strength of the human spirit. An unforgettable tale of unconditional love, heartbreaking loss, an invincible spirit, and incredible courage.

I'll be honest with you. When I first opened my package and saw how huge this book was, I know I said out loud, "Jesus Christ, I need to start looking to see how many pages there are going to be. Shit." It's 584 pages. I know, you're hyperventilating, aren't you? Well I'm going to tell you that every piece of this book is needed. You know I hate fluff and I'm the first one to tell an author to stop putting so much useless shit in your book just to make it a normal sized novel, you're wasting my time. But not the case in this book. I really thought it would be and I kept looking for it, but in hindsight, you need everything. Everything plays a piece in the end, ultimately. 

I don't know where to even start. Seriously. I'm sitting here wondering how to review this but I'll tell you that when I finished it? I had to not read for a few days. I had to emotionally get my shit together because it takes a lot out of you. Even reading the book I had to stop because my heart hurt for Andie. I really liked her. She was young, she was optimistic, she really just wanted to live the American Dream. Get married, live in a beautiful house, have babies, be a good wife, and be in love. And nobody can say she didn't try, no matter how awful things got. 

Her life is just a serious of losses, and huge losses. She loses a child, a friend, family, hope, love, confidence, everything. Everything a person needs to just hang on in life, she loses it. Not by her bad choices, but because of a religion and what ends up being a cult. 

The most fascinating thing about this book is the religion aspect. Anyone who knows me knows I don't subscribe to church. I have never thought that a pastor or a preacher has any right interpreting a piece of religious writing that may or may not be true. The fact is, nobody really knows and the people who don't acknowledge that scare the shit out of me. Mostly because I don't understand why a person would be willing to have someone else's words shape their life. I mean, I try to look at choices and use common sense and my gut feeling to make the right decision. Doesn't always work, but I'm always presented with choices no matter what and I try to navigate through life making good choices and be a good citizen. And I felt like Andie ends up that way. She starts off as a devoted church follower and submissive to her husband, but when she wants more out of life (namely, being a mother) it basically all goes to hell for her. 

Every time you think you've figured it out, you didn't. You're so wrong it's shameful. And as the book winds down you think surely there can't be any more surprises. Oh, but another death in her family sets her in a direction that will either kill her or save her. 

And when the entire ball of yarn unwinds and you see everything as a timeline? Man. I'd have to think any other person would give up hope all together but Andie doesn't. Andie is the epitome of a strong woman. Sure, she isn't educated, she has not a damn thing to her name, she's lost her kids because of a crooked judicial system, people are out to kill her and you know what? She just keeps trying to make the next best decision to get to her end goal- to have her kids back and live a good life with someone who really loves her. I still can't get over how so many people failed her. People who really loved her knew something wasn't right and they either hid hurtful secrets or turned a blind eye and said Jesus said this is how it should be. And to know that there are so many people in the world that really believe Jesus thinks this kind of behavior is OK is insane. And terrifying. 

For this being such a huge book, every loose end was finished. Well, there is one with Suri (yes, you read that right) that I wish we knew more about. I won't even tell you who Suri is because it would ruin a huge plot point in the book for you. But everything else? Tied up, perfectly. Well, as perfectly as all of these troubled characters could be. I will tell you that the very end with Joe? The last conversation him and Andie have? Bothers me. Because while I understand why Andie says what she does to him, I wonder if any part of her is pulled to him? Because her entire life had become her hoping that her Joe was still in there, and he shows a glimmer of it, and she doesn't even pause. I get why she doesn't because I wouldn't, but I wonder... is there a tiny part in her feel like, "I was right all along, he IS in there"? 

I can't tell you how much I want you to read this book. I want you to read it right now. It's so good and I know the size of it is scary. I know that it gets slow in some parts but really get absorbed in it. Don't give up on it because while it starts out slow it builds and builds. You'll enjoy it, love it, be horrified and hopeful all at once. I am even going to say it's probably one of the best books I have ever read. Truly. I can think of just a few books in my lifetime that I've read that have pulled at me and this is one on a very short list. I can't explain it, it just is.

But lucky for you... ONE reader can win a copy of this (US/Canada only)! Leave a comment on this post with your email address and a winner will be drawn on Friday, January 25.  GIVEAWAY CLOSED

Humanizing the Jaguar

You know I'm a judger of book covers and so when I saw this cover I was like... no. But then.. the story kind of pulled at me and I decided I would do it because I had time and who doesn't love a book? So I did and I have to say, I kind of loved it.

Humanizing the Jaguar - Monica Daddio

How do you tame the untamable? Bryan Wharton has been through more than any child should bear, leaving him emotionally scarred. When his new family proves to him that love and encouragement do exist, Bryan pursues his only dream. With the friendship and support of a few boys from school, they succeed in making their wild fantasies of becoming rock stars a reality. Through their hard work they rise to fame, while Bryan’s confident, cocky attitude generates animosity within the group. After a particularly grueling ordeal, he meets a young woman who captivates him in ways like no one else ever has. Donna’s ignorance over who he really is and her genuine concern during their fleeting time together allows him to freely open up to her. The two form a bond, becoming oddly entwined. After getting back to what Bryan knows best, he realizes he needs to devise a way for Donna to be near him for what he believes is his own selfishness. Donna was ready for an adventure knowing she’d become the envy of young women worldwide and was hoping that this could lead to more. What does this mean for the two-friendship, love or?

I have to be honest, the first two chapters of this book are pretty damn harrowing. It starts off with Bryan living in a horribly abusive home and the subsequent death of his mother which then lands him in a string of foster homes before finding a family that he fits into. It's horribly sad and then to see him grow up obviously carrying these emotional scars well into adulthood and not even really noticing it is equally sad. 

I really loved the story as a whole and I thoroughly enjoyed it, finished it in a day. Some critiques is that some of the dialogue? Isn't natural. After reading a string of books with bizarre dialogue I'm starting to think maybe dialogue is actually really difficult to write after all. I mean, I would assume a hard rock singer would say "don't" instead of "do not" and things like that. Is that picky? Probably, but it kind of drove me nuts, but not enough to not read the story. 

Also, can I just say if I were walking down an alley I would absolutely never, ever pick up a guy laying there who clearly had the shit kicked out of him? Sure, I might call 911 or something but no way would I offer to take him home yet Donna does because she is a romance novel junkie and a good citizen. And that's the catalyst to this really unlikely pairing of Bryan and Donna though it doesn't look like it'll head that way. 

Another thing that is still concerning even at the end of the book is Bryan's anger. I seriously kept thinking, "how does his anger not freak Donna out?" Because I have to tell you, I would be like oh hell no, jerk. I am curious though if there is going to be a sequel because of the whole anger issue still being very present but also because how the book ends. And considering there isn't an epilogue like "Two Years Later" or something, what happens to Donna and Bryan? Surely it isn't all love and roses, so that makes me think there should be at least one, preferably two, follow up books. 

Overall, I'm going to say I liked this book and I would absolutely read another story by Monica and most definitely any follow up for this book. Keep up with Monica at her website HERE. 

Review done for Pump Up Your Book