Weight Loss Challenge (week 17) depression and pilates

I wasn't actually going to post today because I have a lot on my mind, depression is weighing me down, and the best way to explain it is I feel like an actual sloth right now.

I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, like I'm walking through molasses. I don't think it's a medication thing because I haven't changed anything in several months. I do think it's some kind of a flare up, most likely of an auto immune thing. Who knows. I'm always tired and I always hurt but then there are days like the last three where it's my normal times 50. It's like every time that I think it can't get worse, that my day to day is pretty awful, I get a stretch like this and am reminded that nope! That is not the worst because this is the actual worst.

It started last Tuesday but I thought maybe it was from my workout on Monday, I did the 21 Day Fix Lower Fix and that was actually really hard and I was sore. On Wednesday I did the 21 Day Fix Pilates one and holymotherofeverything that is no joke. I really struggled through that one and I was paying for it on Thursday and Friday. Friday though I really hit the wall and I skipped my workout and took a nap. I took it easy that night knowing I had to get up early on Saturday to take Olivia to her dance competition.

I really had a hard time on Saturday and that's when I thought maybe this isn't a slump but maybe more of a depression cloud hanging over me. I ended up walking almost two miles on Saturday since we had to park really far away, so that's what I'm counting as my workout. I didn't do anything on Sunday because again, I just don't feel good. I didn't sleep well last night and I just thought about things that I know I can't control but have impact on my happiness right now.

It's strange how depression can just take you over. It's like someone throwing a blanket on you and you never seen them coming. I feel like I'm drowning and honestly, what's the point of struggling anymore? The only positive here is that my medication is helping in the sense that I don't feel full of rage and I'm not crying all of the time. It's a weird numbness, if that makes sense. I feel like I need to cry, want to cry, but I physically can't. You know when you have to sneeze, you feel it but it just isn't happening? That's what I feel like but with every emotion. It's a very weird space to be in.

Oh well.

I guess my goals this week are to work out three times. Any kind of work out. I have to get my fitness in. I'm not losing any weight but I also am not noticing any changes in me physically or health wise. I just want to keep my stamina up so when it gets warmer out I can push a stroller for more than a block and not feel like death is warming over or dry heaving on the side of the road. Those are not fun and you should see the looks you get from people driving by.

Alright. So that's my Monday. How did your week start? Do you have anything you're looking forward to?

Sometimes it's catchy.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I hate talking about it because sometimes I feel like nobody cares and nobody really wants to hear it. I feel like you're wondering why I'm not better already, I must not be trying hard enough.

Maybe I should exercise and go outside more, right?

I feel like I'm doing a lot to get better. I go to therapy, I am medicated to the hilt. I go to all of my doctor appointments and do what I'm told to do. I fake it, I smile and I laugh. I make the effort, I try not to nap all the time, I try to get out of the house, I try.

But still.

I feel like I can't feel. When the kids do something really great and I should feel a swell of pride? Nothing. When I can't pay a bill and I should be worried or upset? Nothing. When the sun is shining and things are going good that day and I should feel content or maybe even happy? Nothing. I feel like I'm in a weird position because I can't decrease my medication because then I'm an emotional mess and I want to die. If I increase it I feel like a zombie. At least at this dose I can function and that's something.

It doesn't mean it's a good way to exist.

But there have been a couple of things that's happened lately that make me pause and think... maybe my struggles with mental health aren't primarily because of my AFE. Maybe that just made it worse. I go through my Facebook memories everyday mostly to help me remember things but I'm noticing a lot of posts from the start of my profile (2009) are me being... depressed. I'm down, I'm flat out saying I'm depressed, I'm displaying crazy behavior that shows I'm OCD and anxious, and I think I should probably have been in therapy. I thought I was fine, I was efficient and helpful, I was an over achiever and I was crazy. I fully recognize now that I was out of control and I wish someone had really sat me down and said, "You need help, you are dealing with high functioning depression." and I probably wouldn't have done anything right then but I would have thought about it.

Fast forward to now and I worry that me being the way I am now affects my kids negatively. As it turns out, all of the behaviors they witnessed when they were younger are what shaped them. (Which you're right, I think about what Penelope and Lucy are going to be like so I worry about this.)

Over the weekend we had the kids clean the basement floor. They were responsible for the mess, they need to clean it. I saw Jackson run through the house and upstairs but I didn't think anything of it. Olivia came up to tell me Jackson bailed on her and she was (rightfully) pissed off. I call Jackson down and tell him to go back and help his sister. Problem solved.

Then when I went to bed that night, I find this on my night table.

Deadly fear of centipedes. You guys, no way could that thing be alive, it's been FREEZING and it's so cold in my basement.

I had no idea we were even out of bread so at least I knew before I went to use it. He had left me like $2 rolled up. I grab it, while laughing, and I was going to bring it to his room when I saw this on my doorway:

At this point I have almost pissed my pants because this is hilarious and adorable but now I can't go down, he's going to have hurt feelings. I made Matt go down and give him his $2 back because I am not taking his money. But I wondered if I've instilled guilt into him. He worries incessantly about things I know I would have worried about but I could care less about now, and I worry that this is going to eat him up.

Then I have Olivia. She is my over achiever, do it all, exceed expectations, perfectionist kid. She wants me to come speak at her school.

But apparently she's fully over me and my forgetfulness but she's at least really nice about it.

Then I was taking her to dance and she's telling me she has to make herself lists but her lists can't be "uneven" and she had to re-do it. I asked her to pull it out and let me see and this was it: 

Am I being unreasonable to think this is crazy? I don't want her to grow up and be neurotic like I was. Is she going down the road of high functioning depression?

I tell you, when I first became a mom I figured I would just wing it and it would all fall into place. That this mysterious set of skills that you need for motherhood would just show up and it would come naturally to me. I know the fact that that didn't happen really put me in a tail spin and I have sincerely muddled through being a mom. 

When I was 23 with my first baby (this is Olivia at three weeks) I had no idea what was down the road from me. It's a special kind of sting to go through these photos and not remember any of it, I have no connection to any of it, and I want to know where I went wrong. Am I making those mistakes again? Maybe I'm making new mistakes? I just really don't want my kids to struggle like I am. I really don't want them to ever feel like this, even a small piece of this. It's not OK and I don't know how to help them when I can't fix myself.

Weight Loss Challenge (week 16)

I can't even lie, I only worked out once last week. I did day 2 of the 21 Day Fix program and.. I don't want to sound like a nut, but I kind of liked it? I finished the entire 20 minutes so I'm pretty excited that even though I'm not working out more, what I am doing seems to be going well because my stamina is holding up.

Last week was a flurry of my doctor appointments, Lucy's doctor appointment, making a lot of calls and playing phone tag to make more doctor appointments, Jackson had a field trip, and Lucy had her toddler class. (Which I almost didn't go to but I'm glad that I did because she had a really good time and the weather was decent to the incredibly long walk into the building wasn't as bad as usual.)

This coming week (should) be better. Olivia has pictures for dance tonight, no dance tomorrow, Wednesday is nothing, Thursday will be crap because I'm busy ALL DAY, and Friday should be OK. Olivia has a dance competition this weekend so I'll be gone for that.

What do people do when life gets in the way? How do they stick to their workout routine when they are utterly exhausted? I think that's what I'm struggling with right now. The best thing though is that I'm actually really liking the 21 Day Fix workouts so I know if I could just get three (or more) workouts done in a week I'll have the momentum to keep going.

You know what else is going to suck? Easter.

You guys.

These are my weakness. I cannot walk past these in a store and not buy them. Sweet Tart Jelly Beans are maybe the greatest candy I eat over the course of a year. My friend Emily told me about them when we worked together and I wasn't sure because I like Sweet Tarts but they aren't something I'd pick to eat. I'll eat it if someone hands it to me but you know, who craves a Sweet Tart? But these are HEAVEN. I know my weakness so I did the Walmart pickup for my groceries and every thing else this week. But..... I have to make a Target run this week and you guys, I can't be held accountable. I can't and I won't. I'm not kidding, I'm thinking about them and I can actually imagine what they taste like. It's an actual addiction, I know I have a problem.... I'm just not ready to give my jelly beans up. I can't. Probably the worst thing is now I know I can buy them in bulk on Amazon all year long. If these ever get discontinued I might actually die. 

So... that's how my week is starting off. Thinking about jelly beans knowing full well I don't need them. What's YOUR ultimate craving? 

Book Review: 100 Parks, 5000 Ideas

If you're like me, you are 100% over winter. Done. I couldn't be any more done. I'm already looking forward to sunny days and ways to fill those up with adventure. This book came at the perfect time because that's exactly what I'm doing - planning a small summer vacation with my family and we want to road trip it somewhere.

100 Parks, 5000 Ideas

In the sequel to the best-selling 50 States, 5,000 ideas, National Geographic turns to the United States' and Canada's most pristine--and adventure-filled--national, state, and city parks with 5,000 ideas for the ultimate vacation. Showcasing the best experiences, both obvious and unexpected, each entry in this robust guide provides an overview of the park, detailed travel advice, fascinating facts, insider knowledge about wildlife, and expert tips for hiking, biking, camping, and exploring. From the geysers of Yellowstone National Park to the Everglades' Nine Mile Pond Canoe Trail and the stunning peaks of Banff and Jasper in Alberta, each page will fuel your wanderlust. Plus, explore the natural beauty tucked away in cities like New York's Central Park and Boston Commons, and find bonus parks with day-trip suggestions to nearby neighbors. Top 10 lists throughout highlight best-of destinations for river trips, monuments, panoramic views, beaches, and more. This comprehensive book provides all the inspiration and information you need to plan your next park visit--and make it a memorable one.

It seems like every year National Geographic comes out with a new resource for those of us desperate to get out of the winter doldrums and planning for our next big adventure. The best part about this book (and all of the others National Geographic gives us) is that they are really well researched, organized well, and they give you stunning photography throughout. You should not plan a trip in the United States without picking this us to get a feel of the place you'll be visiting or maybe deciding where to go in the first place.

The book is broken down by region (New England & New York, The Southwest, The Midwest, American Tropics, etc), and then within those regions it's broken down by state. You'll not only find information on state and national parks but also city parks, forest areas, monuments, and I found a few sanctuaries in here. Even better? Lots of sections have a "Chow Down" area with some well known places to eat the local cuisine and what that place is known for. Also included are "Lay Your Head" areas with some really authentic places to stay that are beyond your chain hotel options. A lot of the park discussions give you tips, like which routes are best through the park, to make planning a day trip less of a headache. Mentioned on the cover, the book tells you when to go to get the best of the destination. I have friends who have gone places to specifically see a great sight only to find out that it only happens over the course of 2-3 months and they have missed it. That's a bummer.

I also mentioned the American Tropics are listed, which was fascinating because I learned a LOT about them and I honestly never considered them as a future vacation destination but they are back on the some day list because they were beautiful and there are a lot of things there that I would be interested in seeing or doing. The book also features Canada, even though it's outside the United States, it's a close neighbor and if you're visiting the northern states you might consider taking a little side trip because their parks are equally beautiful and worth the trip.

Overall? I'm giving this one 5 stars. I really like these guides and I use mine a LOT. My kids really like paging through these, we've used them as a resource for school projects, and we bring them in the car on our trips because they get a say in what we do, too. I highly recommend this one if you're adventurous (or want to be!) and looking for ideas for your next trip!

Lucy versus Iron

I'm going to try to condense a lot of stuff over the last week into a little bit because it's exhausting otherwise. So way back in August, at Lucy's two year check, she had her hemoglobin tested because that's what you do at two. It was a little low, like 10.7 and the target is at least 11. Honestly, I didn't think anything about it, I'm really low all the time and I just assumed she was too. No big. Her doctor thought it was something to correct so she gave us this horrible liquid iron supplement that she for damn sure wasn't taking on its own and anything I mixed it in she would throw up a few minutes later. She couldn't handle it. I, admittedly, gave up and said .3 is not a big deal.

Fast forward to last Monday at her 2.5 year check up and I had forgotten all about the August stuff. Well, the doctor wasn't happy that I never came back for another blood check so she said we had to do it that day. Not a big deal. Lucy doesn't cry or care about finger pokes, so that's fine. We do that and it turns out, she's 10.9 and honestly, I don't think it's a big deal. Doctor gives me the option of seeing a specialist and I said no, I'm sure she's fine.

Fast forward to Friday when the blood smear came back and turns out, it says she has "normochromic, normocytic, hypoproliferative anemia" and I get a call from a scheduler within minutes telling me she has an appointment for Tuesday with a hematologist oncologist.

Slow the damn train.

This went from being a little low in iron to seeing an oncologist?

On Tuesday we went to that appointment. It's kind of surreal to sit in a children's cancer center and people give you sad smiles when they walk by. It's a real testament to my mental health medication because without it I'm certain I'd be a crying mess. With them I'm fully numb and I don't really feel anything. I know people say they'd give anything to not feel anything in certain circumstances, but having that feeling myself, I don't like it. I'd rather have some kind of an emotion running through me because this feels cold.

I will say, for as much as I don't like this hospital/health system, they do a really good job with making it feel kind of alright. Lucy had a good time playing with the toys in the waiting area.

Even Matt played awhile with her while I sat in the sunshine holding all of our stuff including notes I had, copies of her lab work and reports, and just thought about how some parents sit here having no idea their entire lives will change based on what one person says.

Lucy's appointment went a little differently. We had a great nurse and she did all of Lucy's intake stuff and had her go pick out a book to keep and that made her infinitely happy.

We had kind of a granola-crunchy doctor who really was nice. I can't say that she wasn't. We went through health history, went through family health history, talked about why we were there, etc. Eventually she stopped us and told us basically to change her diet. She hands me a checklist of items saying she needs 1-2 from each area and that would get her the daily requirement of nutrients, specifically iron. I tell her she already does. Lucy is the BEST eater. She eats a lot of iron rich foods, she gets a lot of vitamin D and C, she gets yogurt and things good for her gut, if ever there was a kid you could show as someone with a great diet, it's Lucy. Truly. Her diet is not to blame for low iron.

Then she goes into telling me about natural microbiomes and how kids who are delivered via c-section don't get this and then when you don't breastfeed you're screwing them up even more, and I had to interrupt her and say I had no choice. She was an emergency c-section and I was in ICU for a bunch of days and my pituitary gland is shot so my milk never came in anyways so yeah.... not my fault. But she keeps hammering all of that home. She handed me a LOT of handouts, all of which I don't need because we are already doing all of those things.

At this point I'm getting really frustrated. I ask her what this blood smear report means and she blows it off completely, tells me she's not worried, she's not worried why I'm here, though the fact her MCV count (I have no idea what that is) is decreasing is worrisome but "it's probably fine". She does a quick exam and tells me it sounds like Lucy has a wheeze indicative of asthma. She says her ears have fluid and asks if she has a speech delay, which she does. She tells me that this kind of fluid is indicative of hearing loss so we should have a hearing test done right away.

Annoying because her doctor didn't see/hear either of those things and now I'm pissed off. She made me feel like I'm a bad mom not getting her county services for her speech delay but this could be because she can't full hear us? Are you kidding me? So now I have to call and get both of those things checked out. 

We end up doing some more lab work that day and she had to have blood drawn from her arm and Lucy cried SO hard and I felt like the worst mom in the world. I feel guilty because I always think my AFE caused all of this and I don't even know what we're dealing with.

At the end of the day we're getting a letter but her hemoglobin is in the 10.2-10.9 range which is normal for that health system but low for ours, so I don't know where we go there. Her vitamin D levels should be at least 50 and she's in the low 20s, so that's not good. We're supposed to get some kind of supplement for that. I don't feel like we got any answers. I don't really have gut feelings anymore so I feel stuck on what to do next but I am so worried there is something wrong with her and we're all missing it. I'm so scared she's going to end up with cancer or something and I won't be able to help her. I am forever questioning why this was all put on our plate.

We saw The Meaning of Life

This past weekend went by so quickly it hardly seems like it should be over yet here we are... Tuesday. I did get together with some friends though and that normally doesn't happen so it was nice to get out for a little bit without kids.

On Friday I went to dinner and a movie with my friend Tammy and we saw Isn't It Romantic and save your money- it was completely stupid. Not even a little bit funny. We had a good dinner with good conversation and talked about parenting and how incredibly crappy it is as they get older. Truly. I know people (myself included) really struggle through infant and toddler stage and kids being general jerks but honestly- none of it prepares you for middle and high school ages. There are tons of books on handling toddlers but nothing with real life advice on what to do when they hit those ages. Like a handbook. Kid starts smoking? Page 83. Kids vaping? Page 71. Kid has a friend you don't like? Page 33. Things like that. Nothing is out there. No, don't tell me to write one because frankly, middle school is kicking my ass and I'm not mentally ready for high school in what, two years? I understand why boarding schools exist now.

On Saturday we did lunch as a family and then I drove to St. Paul so my friend Amy and I could see Kelly Clarkson on her Meaning of Life tour. It's been awhile since Amy and I have hung out so I'm glad the roads were good, weather cooperated, and I was able to come. We had a great dinner and catching up, too.

The concert itself was really good and I had a really great time. Kelly had two opening acts, Brynn Cartelli and Kelsea Ballerini. Brynn Cartelli is a winner from The Voice and I'll be honest... she was terrible. I know she's young and learning how to perform live and all that but whoa boy. She sang with a cough drop in her mouth so it sounded like marbles and you couldn't understand that. Then she talked a LOT in between songs and she spoke so fast that it sounded like one really long sentence and you had no idea what she was saying. It was just really terrible.

Next up was Kelsea Ballerini who was better than Brynn and you could tell she's obviously more seasoned with singing live but still... she's not at the level of touring on her own yet. She doesn't really have stage presence because she mostly walks the same path, goes up on the stairs a little, and I don't know. It's just not spectacular. She sounded good though and I think her last song was her song with The Chainsmokers called "This Feeling", so I had to record that quick and send it to Olivia because she LOVES that song. She was properly jealous.

Kelly came out next and she was really great. I honestly forgot how many albums she had, I didn't realize her Meaning of Life album came out in 2017, it seems like that is a recent one but then again my concept of time is really warped so it's probably just me. I also forgot how much I love the song "Meaning of Life" and no lie, I kind of teared up a little. I also love "Whole Lotta Woman" and she did that so that was pretty fun. She did pretty much all of her hits (even the depressing ones), and had a great encore worth staying for. Overall I had a really great time, I really enjoyed this concert, and I would definitely see her again.

My drive home was alright, but I did learn even my max dose (so far) of Ritalin is not enough to perk me up so I have to call about that and maybe get it changed. I stopped at my half way point to get gas and snacks so that really helped and I pulled into my drive way at 1:03 a.m. Needless to say, I felt like I was hit by a bus on Sunday. HA!

Weight Loss Challenge, week 15 (the thunk heard round the world)

Admittedly, I did almost nothing last week. I did a couple of sessions on my bike but that's about it. As it turns out, I had an incredibly stressful week and I'm kind of going into anxiety hyper mode, depression dive, and it's not good.

It's all kind of around Lucy. She had her 2 1/2  year check up last week, no big deal. She still shows as anemic after the liquid iron supplement stuff they gave her, so they referred us to hematology. Which, I really didn't think was a big deal. I'm always low in my iron levels so maybe she just has my genetics? But they did a smear of her blood and that shows she has a weird kind of anemia that could be nothing, but it could be a lot of big things like diseases or cancer. So she has that appointment this week and I am not doing well in the mental health department. The bright side is I have my therapy appointment the day after her big appointment so I've got that going for me I guess.

My goals for this week are... to get through it. I'm hoping to at least get my bike stuff done during nap times. I have so many things happening this week I just want to get to Friday and take a breath.

Despite not exercising much, my diet was really good. I got through Valentine's Day hardly eating any candy (I had a few jelly beans because I went with those over chocolate). My meals were pretty on point even the two days I went out for dinner with friends (more on that soon). I may have splurged on french fries but if I was counting calories for the day, I was well under my allotment so that was good. Also, I have hardly had any caffeine this week. My big challenge? Not ordering a soda when I go out to eat. I did both times and I realized after the fact it's so automatic for me and I have to really try to break that habit. I always order a water too, but I  need to skip the soda. It's not even the benefit of caffeine that I like, mostly because the caffeine doesn't do anything for me- I don't feel any more pep in my step or anymore alert/awake, it's the actual taste of soda. I crave the taste and the sugar of it. Back to that damn sugar addiction!

Hopefully this week you're doing something for yourself. Next week I start something fully out of my comfort zone and I'll talk about that then, so stay tuned!