Momlife is all of the things.

I know I've given you a bevy of book reviews and almost no update on real life stuff. It isn't like I'm living a glamorous life over here but you know, stuff is happening, things are shaking and moving.

My office/library/craft room remodel is currently stalled. As it turns out you need money to go to IKEA. Which, who knew, right? Well that kind of puts a damper on the party because BILLS so I am probably going to have to wait another month or two before I can make the trip. Definitely a bummer, but not the end of the world.

In the meantime though, I bought this AND put it together myself!

Matt wasn't nearly as proud as I was expecting but whatever. It feels relatively stable and rolls, so I think I did it right. Then I realized none of the stuff I wanted on her fits so that's awesome. HA! I'll come up with a plan B for it but for now it's under a shelf with my die cut machine and laminator because those don't currently have a home.

I always forget how tough winter is until we're in the thick of it. Thankfully it isn't ridiculously cold like it usually is and I'm OK with that. I haven't complained about the temperature one time this year and if we have to have winter I will gladly take these 20s and 30s every year. It's things like this though that make me think about global warming and climate change and what it is going to be like in 50 years. What if it is really awful? What if I'll be dead and my children have to suffer through this?

That's the kind of thing I've been thinking about all of the nights I can't get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Speaking of, that's a thing now. Insomnia is super fun. I did see my psychiatrist today though and I mentioned to him that at night time I'm getting tremors, mostly in my hands, arms, and head. It only starts around dinner time and progressively gets worse. Considering I haven't had any medication changes and even though I thought it was the Metformin, it was still happening when I stopped, the running theory is my Propranolol. I take that for migraine management and it has worked really well for three years but last week I had migraines every night, to the point I thought maybe I was having a stroke and should go to the ER. The next step is to try an extended form of Propranolol because according to my GeneSight test, this is one of the drugs my body metabolizes not normally or "as expected" and one of the side effects of it wearing out are tremors. I'm going to try this new form, with a slightly higher dose, and hope for the best.

He mentioned maybe changing my Wellbutrin because he doesn't think it's working the way it should but I told him I'll wait until my appointment in April. The last thing I need when I travel to DC/NYC with Olivia is to be messing around with my mental health medication. Could you even imagine??

Speaking of, Olivia and I are going to Washington D.C. and New York City in March! The eighth graders in her school have the option of going and I knew right away I was going to get her there come hell or high water, and so my parents and I paid her fee. They gifted me the money to go as well and Olivia is super excited. I'm excited because I've never been but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I am in the process of getting all of my notes and medical information together just in case. Once I get the for real itinerary I'll tell you all the things we get to do. It's a jam packed week, that's for sure!

Speaking of Olivia, I just signed her high school registration form. I cannot even believe how quickly it is all going. It seems like yesterday she was starting kindergarten and I was worried about her not eating her lunch and here I am, signing off on her choices of freshman classes. I swear, as soon as your children are done with elementary school they are practically done. The years fly by and I can't catch my breath. I'm constantly worried I'm not doing enough. I only have FOUR years left to make sure I've given her enough to go out into the world on her own and be confident about it. I have four years of slowly letting go and man.

I'm not ready.

I finally understand it when people told me it is so hard. I don't know if there is anything you can do to feel ready.

So yeah. I've got that. Penelope will be in kindergarten next year and I'm hoping we can open enroll her because next school year is going to bring changes that I'll talk about another time. I'm still working through them. Jackson is working hard in his first year of middle school and I am so proud of how much effort he puts in. He just wants to do a good job and I know it feels like he has big shoes to follow coming up behind Olivia but I'm trying to make him understand he has to make his own footprints.

Growing up is hard. It's also really hard to watch your kids grow up and know there is only so much you can do to help and guide them. Matt and I are trying to find that balance of helping and then letting them fail, with a safety net.

Besides that, our furnace is disintegrating (literally), we need a back door, we need to put some heat registers in the front porch, and we need to win the lottery. So you know, the usual.

Speech therapy, it's happening.

A few weeks ago I talked about Lucy being evaluated by a early child development team to figure out if she has a speech delay, and if it was at the level of needing intervention services.

It turns out that she does have a speech delay and it does need some intervention services. I knew it was coming and I don't care who you are, you are never ready to hear that your child isn't developing at the same rate as other kids their age. Rationally, I know I haven't slacked in parenting or failed her in any way.

I KNOW THIS.

My brain runs away anyways and I think of all the ways I could have done better. I should have encouraged her to talk sooner. I should have gotten her help sooner. It's ridiculous and I'm trying really hard at not focusing on that, instead focusing on what I can do for her now.

So here we are.

The people who came to evaluate her were incredibly kind and they totally loved her. Fortunately, I had told Lucy that these were teachers and we were going to do some school stuff before they came so she was all about it. Anything dealing with school, she's completely on board. They had her do some puzzles, color matching, some other things to see if it was a cognitive or motor skill delay. Her fine motor skills are pretty dang good. Her gross motor skills.... not awful but not at a 32 month old normally. 

They had her go through this workbook and identify what the picture was. She actually did that longer than a child usually does, so that was good.

Overall the assessment went really well. They concluded that she has a speech delay, bottom line. She can say singular words fairly well but when she strings them together in a sentence she is hard to understand. Her articulation isn't very good and she has poor speech imitation. The recommendation is she would work with the speech therapist two times a week for 45 minutes. She only gets these services until she's 3, so that ends July 31 for her. After that, her therapy is turned into the hands of the school district if they feel she needs it.

We met with them last week and based on that assessment alone, the school district is going to get the ball rolling on enrolling her into that. It's a bit of a process and apparently we are sneaking in at the very last minute, so that mad me a little angry at myself and I should have done this sooner.

On Friday she had her first therapy session and that was another quick assessment and then a play session. She actually did really well and participated through the whole thing. Our guy is very nice and he has a great way with kids. He was letting us know that over the next few months we'll be able to tell if this is just a speech delay that she just needs help forming words OR if this is more of a neurological issue. He believes SHE thinks she's saying the words clear as day but she just isn't. We've always thought she could say the word, it's just "stuck", and he agrees. She's eager to learn and she likes the one on one attention, so I am hopefully this will be really good for her. She really is the sweetest kid ever and everyone really enjoys her. I'm excited for her and I'm excited to watch her blossom through this process.

Sometimes it's catchy.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I hate talking about it because sometimes I feel like nobody cares and nobody really wants to hear it. I feel like you're wondering why I'm not better already, I must not be trying hard enough.

Maybe I should exercise and go outside more, right?

I feel like I'm doing a lot to get better. I go to therapy, I am medicated to the hilt. I go to all of my doctor appointments and do what I'm told to do. I fake it, I smile and I laugh. I make the effort, I try not to nap all the time, I try to get out of the house, I try.

But still.

I feel like I can't feel. When the kids do something really great and I should feel a swell of pride? Nothing. When I can't pay a bill and I should be worried or upset? Nothing. When the sun is shining and things are going good that day and I should feel content or maybe even happy? Nothing. I feel like I'm in a weird position because I can't decrease my medication because then I'm an emotional mess and I want to die. If I increase it I feel like a zombie. At least at this dose I can function and that's something.

It doesn't mean it's a good way to exist.

But there have been a couple of things that's happened lately that make me pause and think... maybe my struggles with mental health aren't primarily because of my AFE. Maybe that just made it worse. I go through my Facebook memories everyday mostly to help me remember things but I'm noticing a lot of posts from the start of my profile (2009) are me being... depressed. I'm down, I'm flat out saying I'm depressed, I'm displaying crazy behavior that shows I'm OCD and anxious, and I think I should probably have been in therapy. I thought I was fine, I was efficient and helpful, I was an over achiever and I was crazy. I fully recognize now that I was out of control and I wish someone had really sat me down and said, "You need help, you are dealing with high functioning depression." and I probably wouldn't have done anything right then but I would have thought about it.

Fast forward to now and I worry that me being the way I am now affects my kids negatively. As it turns out, all of the behaviors they witnessed when they were younger are what shaped them. (Which you're right, I think about what Penelope and Lucy are going to be like so I worry about this.)

Over the weekend we had the kids clean the basement floor. They were responsible for the mess, they need to clean it. I saw Jackson run through the house and upstairs but I didn't think anything of it. Olivia came up to tell me Jackson bailed on her and she was (rightfully) pissed off. I call Jackson down and tell him to go back and help his sister. Problem solved.

Then when I went to bed that night, I find this on my night table.

Deadly fear of centipedes. You guys, no way could that thing be alive, it's been FREEZING and it's so cold in my basement.

I had no idea we were even out of bread so at least I knew before I went to use it. He had left me like $2 rolled up. I grab it, while laughing, and I was going to bring it to his room when I saw this on my doorway:

At this point I have almost pissed my pants because this is hilarious and adorable but now I can't go down, he's going to have hurt feelings. I made Matt go down and give him his $2 back because I am not taking his money. But I wondered if I've instilled guilt into him. He worries incessantly about things I know I would have worried about but I could care less about now, and I worry that this is going to eat him up.

Then I have Olivia. She is my over achiever, do it all, exceed expectations, perfectionist kid. She wants me to come speak at her school.

But apparently she's fully over me and my forgetfulness but she's at least really nice about it.

Then I was taking her to dance and she's telling me she has to make herself lists but her lists can't be "uneven" and she had to re-do it. I asked her to pull it out and let me see and this was it: 

Am I being unreasonable to think this is crazy? I don't want her to grow up and be neurotic like I was. Is she going down the road of high functioning depression?

I tell you, when I first became a mom I figured I would just wing it and it would all fall into place. That this mysterious set of skills that you need for motherhood would just show up and it would come naturally to me. I know the fact that that didn't happen really put me in a tail spin and I have sincerely muddled through being a mom. 

When I was 23 with my first baby (this is Olivia at three weeks) I had no idea what was down the road from me. It's a special kind of sting to go through these photos and not remember any of it, I have no connection to any of it, and I want to know where I went wrong. Am I making those mistakes again? Maybe I'm making new mistakes? I just really don't want my kids to struggle like I am. I really don't want them to ever feel like this, even a small piece of this. It's not OK and I don't know how to help them when I can't fix myself.

Overtaken by toddlers

Someone asked me the other day if I thought have two kids only fifteen months apart was like twins. I think having twins would be easier in some respects but harder in others. I know that right now I struggle. These two are the sweetest handful ever.

It is no surprise that the main instigator is Penelope, she often says, "do it, do it Lucy" when Lucy is doing something she shouldn't. Lucy is always trying to copy Penelope, and we've had some serious showdowns over toys. It's honestly easier to buy two of everything.

A big change in the last few weeks is transitioning Lucy to the toddler bed. Everyone gives me a look when I say this, and I often hear, "But she's just a baby!". Technically, she's a toddler. She's a baby in a lot of ways still, sure, but Matt and I really need sleep. Lucy has been sleeping in a crib in our room since she was born. We honestly didn't think this would be a big deal but as it turns out, it kind of is. Neither one of us feel comfortable doing anything in the room with her right there... even if she is asleep. It just feels wrong. Lucy is also kind of a noisy sleeper, just like her dad. She snores, grunts, cries, and moves around a LOT.... all in her sleep. It's enough to drive you nuts. We thought long and hard about it and we realized that Penelope was only 15 months when she basically got forced into the toddler bed because we needed the crib for Lucy, so now that Lucy is 15 months we felt that it could be done.

How is that going? Well... not bad. Not as bad as we anticipated. Night time is actually pretty great, if she cries (she normally wakes up crying around 4 a.m.), it hasn't woken up Penelope (yet) and we're able to get her back to bed. She's pretty willing to get up in the bed on her own, she'll pull her blankets up, but I think the pillow is odd for her. Often times you'll find her next to the pillow. Penelope has adjusted pretty well to sharing a room, which that alone was surprising.

It's nap time that kills us. Even if I get Lucy in there and wait until she's sleeping and then bring Penelope in, it's a 50/50 chance on whether either of them will sleep. I will say, it isn't always Penelope at fault. I've heard Lucy getting out of bed and waking Penelope up. Other times Penelope will go to Lucy's bed and tell her it's "morn" and they start giggling and playing. The best is when I go to get them in the morning and Penelope says, "Lucy poop". As if the overwhelming smell didn't clue me in. 

Let's talk about Penelope- she is pretty damn smart. She can count to ten, knows most of her letters, knows her colors and shapes, we're working on drawing lines and circles (she is definitely left handed!), she follows 2-3 step directions, and is talking really well. I'm pretty surprised at what this kiddo can do. She's only 2 1/2 but she is having a good time learning things. She hasn't really gotten the hang of crafts, or maybe she isn't interested. She loves Play-Doh and Lego's, where Lucy is more into pretend play, Little People, and cars. Oh! Penelope is really interested in the Disney Princesses. We're watching all of the movies, except Frozen because I hate it and I cannot stand Idina Menzel and that damn song which is just terrible. She really likes Moana and Rapunzel the best, she thinks SHE is Rapunzel because they both have the same color of hair.

Some days are just LONG with these two. I honestly am not cut out to be a stay at home mom, I really don't enjoy it, so knowing this is all I can do? It's pretty depressing. I think I could have handled all of this better had I not had an AFE- I could at least leave the house with them, but the only time I leave my house during the day is for a doctor appointment and I go alone. I think if I didn't have depression and anxiety I would be doing better. Some days I'm fine, some days I can fake it and only cry for a minute in the bathroom, and some days I can't handle anything and I'm flying off the handle about something really pointless, but I'm overcome with rage. It's horrible. I don't see it coming, I can't control it when it happens, and often I don't recognize it until later. Sometimes I don't remember at all. I'm not sure if that's better or worse, really.

Last week I was really at my end with all of the whining, and Penelope testing boundaries, and finally I just yelled at her. I took away the thing she wasn't supposed to be swinging around and she just said, "You no like me". My mom asked if I heard it and of course I did. I have sonic ears now, I hear everything. And I feel like shit. I feel like I am a terrible mom and I'm angry I can't just pull it together. I am angry I need help, I'm so tired of dealing with it that I just shut down and say I'm fine. I'm 100% not fine but I'm sick of explaining it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not explaining what I'm feeling and thinking well enough for people to understand.

I do know that I love them. My life wouldn't be complete without them, I know that. Some days they just hug me and I can just see how much they love me, I see I'm their favorite person and that at some point I did OK because they feel safe with me. They feel loved. But I always feel like I'm failing someone. I'm always failing someone. 

Big milestones involving feet and poop.

The last two weeks have been pretty up and down with my mood. Some days I feel almost like my old self and then the next day it all comes crashing down and I feel like I'm in the worst hole of my life. It's hard to decide if a new anti-depressant is working when life is like that. I mean, do I shoot for 2-3 good days and decide that the medicine is working? Should I have good days every day? Most days? I don't know. I'm just so tired and frustrated with it all. I go back to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota on August 28 (next Monday) but that's for endocrinology and I have a list of questions, hopefully I'll leave there feeling better than last time.

I just found my camera and realized I never took the pictures from Lucy's party off it, so I thought I'd share a few with you.

I love this picture so much, not just because my niece is in it, but because it showcases everyone's personality. Adriana is friendly and quiet, Lucy is interested and the observer, and Penelope is Penelope, rolling around in the background.

This is how you'll find Penelope most days now. She's going to be a gymnast whereas Olivia had exactly zero interest in flipping and tumbling around.

Penelope and Adriana are only six months apart in age, so it's really fun seeing them play together. Penelope is so wild and full of it and poor Adriana was like, "Settle down, kid". HA!

Lucy got a bunch of great gifts we've been enjoying since her party. It's so nice to have different things for her and Penelope to fight over.

But this one year old is walking! Well, she's taking the tentative steps without hanging onto anything but then she feels unsure or unsteady and goes back to crawling as fast as she can. She loves this pony toy my mom got her and can get on and off by herself, and she'll just sit there rocking on it. It's pretty adorable.

I love, love, LOVE this picture. I am so glad I finally got a picture of her making this face because my favorite thing about Lucy is her excited expression. She makes this face anytime she's excited, when she sees food, or right before she gets angry because she wants something Penelope has.

She's just now getting to the age where she will fight back for what she wants. Thankfully Penelope is coming around and plays nicer with her, but some days it's really tough. Having two so close in age isn't ideal, I don't care what anyone says. If anyone asks me I'm going to vehemently argue against having two so close together.

Most of the time though she is the sweetest love bug. She's content to sit on your lap and cuddle, she likes to take things out of containers, she still wants to be rocked to sleep snuggled next to you, she randomly gives hugs and kisses, and is very ticklish. I really love her. I don't remember rocking and snuggling her when she was younger, I'm sure I did it I just don't remember, so now when I rock her I try so hard to bank it in my memory so I don't forget. I don't remember her baby smell, the sound of her coos, or the looks of adoration she gives, I so badly want to remember something. 

Certainly not to be outdone, but Penelope is a mini rock star at potty training. We've been doing it about two weeks now, with the first day by far being the worst. I went to bed in full tears convinced we'd have to wait until the summer before kindergarten to potty train. The next morning I got up, fully dejected, and just said to her that we need to really try to get to the potty.

And that was that. She just did it. I don't know if she sensed my desperation or it was obvious even to a two year old that I was ready to lose it. Either way, I'm grateful.

We still have accidents here and there (usually when she's eating or really engrossed in an activity), and we wear a diaper or pull up for nap time, bed time, and if we go out, because it'll be awhile yet. But it's been GREAT not changing so many diapers in a day. She's a fan of panties so we have a basket full of Trolls, Minnie Mouse, Dory, and plain panties (I swear we must have 20 pairs) and she takes great care picking out a new pair every time she goes. Oh yes, she has to be stark naked to use the potty but that is not the hill I want to die on so we're going with it for now.

Adventures with four: month seven

Everything from this post is from March, which ended up being a HARD month for me mentally. I didn't realize turning 35 was going to be a "thing" for me because I'm not that person who cares about their age at all. I went on a trip with my friend Tammy (more on that later), and I.... I don't know. It was hard. Here were entries out of my journal: 

Came back from my trip. I'm in pain, absolutely everything on and in my body hurts and this is what I come home to. It only affirms that if I died, everyone in this house would be dirty and naked. The level of pissed off cannot be measured. The entire house is a freaking wreck. I can barely keep up as it is and now they want me to perform miracles. Sometimes I hate my family.

Penelope is so... tough. She's an absolute love bug some days but others she is so emotionally and physically draining. I'm not equipped to handle this. Lucy is great, though. She's pretty easy and that might be because she knows full well I can't handle everyone in melt down mode at once. Bless her little heart. But we have officially given up on thinking Lucy can share a room with Penelope. We've moved the crib into our room and it's just draining. I just want a solid night of sleep.

Penelope is the family animal whisperer. At least she thinks she is. She mostly hugs them a lot and tries to stick their tails in her ear. They don't enjoy it but they know surely she can't keep up with this forever. Right?

Lucy is starting to enjoy food. I gave up around month six for her and we're slowing starting back into it. She seems far more eager for the foods that smell the worst. Lucky us.

She also gets excited so easily. She'll shake her little hands, give us this face, and sometimes try to bounce on her bottom. She's officially too big (and heavy) for the swing so Matt moved it out of the living room.

Sometimes in the morning, on the days when I have the hardest time actually becoming mobile and getting up and at 'em, I just bring Lucy into bed with me and try to doze off. It never works as I'm paranoid I'm going to roll her off the bed but I try anyways.

Oh Penelope. You're lucky this poor dog is as tolerant as he is. Truly.

Nobody loves ice cream like Penelope does. She'll keep saying "eat" and "more" as if she's yelling at herself to shovel it in faster.

My friend Cassandra had her birthday. I tried to send a birthday greeting, this was the best I got. Lucy eating cardboard and Penelope saying "cheese" with her damn eyes closed. Sometimes you just accept that terrible is the best you're going to get.

Weekends are the hardest. Matt goes to work and I am here with all four on my own. I'm not in any way qualified to do this. I don't work in a day care for a reason, and I never wanted four kids for a reason. I can't even call it controlled chaos anymore.

Sisters.

Don't let Penelope's face fool you, she was just excited about this walk as Lucy was. It's still chilly here, I don't care what anyone says, but I'm trying. I've discovered even simple walks, which used to be so great for me, are so hard. I always feel like I'm going to just collapse and then I hurt so bad I can barely move the next day. It's tiring to be falling apart like this.

Check back tomorrow when I talk about the Duluth Mommy Blog Awards and how I walked away with one. 

Penelope... almost 15 months

It seems like I haven't really updated you on life with Penelope. She's going to be 15 months on July 29, and it's so weird. I thought her first year flew by (it did) but it seems this year is going just as quickly. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant, maybe it's because time is unforgiving, I don't know. But it seems like she changes SO much every day and it's hard for even me to keep up.

Penelope absolutely loves being outside. I don't blame her, being in the house all day, every day can get really boring no matter what I introduce as fun new stuff. So we try to get out for a little bit every day.

She's not good at slides, doesn't understand the concept of sitting down and sliding and she's not adventurous about it. Which is so unlike her because this is the kid who is an absolute maniac in every other aspect.

Gone are the gentle days where she's sweet, shy, and apprehensive. Sure, she's shy and apprehensive around people, but give her time and she will be jumping on furniture, climbing on everything, running everywhere, throwing things. She is so unlike Olivia and Jackson in the activity department.

We've been going to a Baby & Me class geared for kids 0-3 years on Tuesdays. It's such a pain for me to get there because I'm so tired and it's exhausting peeling her off of shelves that she wants to climb.

But overall, it's been good. She gets to play with kids but doesn't understand the whole sharing concept and will go right up to a kid and take whatever it is they have. Some kids just stand there dumbfounded while others will push her down. Then she cries and runs to me like she's the absolute victim here.

Have I mentioned this is exhausting?

She is obsessed with play jewelry and floral lei's. She really likes her Minnie Mouse with snap on outfits. We can't snap them on yet, but she will sit there quietly and try for the longest time.

Oh yes, and she's very concerned about the animals eating and drinking. Usually when one of them are at the dish, she's right there supervising. I keep telling Matt it's a matter of time before she eats and drinks out of the bowl with them.

Oh yes, and she really, REALLY loves flowers. If she sees them outside, she must pick them. She likes to bring them and stick them on my belly because it's very table like right now.

And the water table... we cannot get enough water table. She will happily soak herself and if I'm lucky, go over to the sand box and lay in it to fully get every bit of dirt she can.

I don't get nearly enough pictures of her with her siblings, and I need to do better, because it's really the sweetest. Olivia carries Penelope around and Penelope likes to go into Olivia's room and just touch everything that's normally off limits. And Jackson is basically the love of her life. He doesn't always know what to do to make her happy but he sure tries and she knows he's the one to go to if she wants to get wild and crazy.

She is still a full mama's girl though. Absolutely my total love bug.

Oh yes, and she still feeds Twinky treats and her snack even when I say no. These two are best buds for sure.

But she has the sweetest little personality. She's so shy and will hide her head, or bend over and touch her head to the ground if you try to talk to her. OR she'll give you the rudest look ever and I'm sorry I haven't gotten this on film yet but I'm trying! She takes after me in so many ways and she's going to be the kid to let you know she doesn't care for you despite your feelings. I have to work on that with her for sure.

Oh yes, and sometimes our outdoor adventures aren't easy. On this day she fell into my mom's garden and she's still not a fan of grass so she sat here saying "out" with her hands up until I got her. It was kind of hilarious and you know I had to take a picture to document it before I actually helped her.

She really is happy almost every day. We've had some particularly trying days as of late and I'm chalking it up to massive teething (my guess is four are coming in on top and possibly two more on bottom) and it's been really quite challenging to remain calm and tell myself that she won't cry all day every day forever.

Right??

Oh yes, and her hair. She has this swoop of hair that is kind of too short to put in a pony (though I clearly tried on the Fourth of July as you can see) but she doesn't really like hair clips or bows and promptly pulls them out. You'd think she'd like not having hair in her face but apparently I don't know what is cool in toddler fashion.

Overall? She is a fun kid. She really is. She is also moody now and can be a super lovable beast. She gets hungry at the same time every day and I keep saying she's like a real life Snickers commercial- she's just not her when she's hungry.

I'm really worried about life with a newborn and Penelope and how I'm going to wrangle all of that together. I'm grateful my mom lives only a few minutes from me so she is willing to help me at least until I can get some kind of routine established. I already feel like the month of August is going to be an absolute blur. So think good things for us as we enter the land of life with four children. The brochure makes it sound terrifying.