Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dear Lenny

Dear Lenny,

Yes, mom?

I would really appreciate it if you could just stop licking yourself all of the time. Your fur is always so clean and soft but I don't think that it requires you to lick for 40-60 minutes in one sitting. Doesn't your tongue get tired? Don't you cramp up from holding this pose?
Do I look sexy?
I get the dedication that it takes but let's be real here. The slurping noises you make while intensely licking? Prety fucking disgusting. I shouldn't have to move myself because you can't stop licking. Is this a form of masturbation for cats? Because the fact that you resorted to this is your own fault. I found a female cat ready and willing and instead of doing the cat thing and going at it, you shit yourself and hid under a bed. Nice. Instead, you prefer knitted blankets and licking yourself. You are weird. I love you, but you are weird.
And to be honest with you, I'm beginning to suspect all of your licking is what is causing the random puke piles you produce. That and eating 1/3 pound of raw hamburger while it's cooking probably isn't good either. I don't know why you do these things but let me tell you- momma is at her wit's end. Yesterday really was a banner day for puke- four piles. And for whatever reason, you chose to puke AFTER I cleaned the floor. Why? Why must you do these things? Do you enjoy watching mom gag while I clean it? Do you get off on that? Because I don't think it's cute OR funny. Shape up buster.
Love, Momma

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