Sunday, March 7, 2010

Book Review: MY HORIZONTAL LIFE by Chelsea Handler + Truth or Dare (aka Sara TMI)= full circle with a giveaway/contest

Side note: Winnahs to my GIVEAWAY were posted yesterday. Click here to determine if you are a WINNAH or a looooooser. (I love you either way.)

That's right bitches. I have a FABULOUS book for you to read, plus I'm going to give you a heads up on a really fun contest/giveaway going on, and I'm going to give you some Sara TMI so I can win said giveaway and bring it all FULL CIRCLE.

(This is why I'm hot, yo)

For those of you who don't know me in real life (and by this I mean full on, like we hang out, you've witnessed me in action, or have heard me talk a million miles a second about the asshole who just did whatever to me, literally 5 minutes before meeting you for lunch, etc) don't know how much I love Chelsea Handler. Like I want to be her. I want her to be my friend. I want her to be my bestie. Or at least stalk me. Because I would totally be ok with her showing up in my bushes.

This book is FABULOUS. I borrowed it from my friend Lisa's friend Stephanie who I know, but not like super well and frankly- I think if one more crazy joins their group worlds will collide. Nobody would make it out alive. I have to say that this book makes me love Chelsea even more. She's a complete slut and I love it. Like if I were going to be a slut, this is how I'd like to do it. I want a run in with a midget, a gay friend who's hepped up on drugs at the family wedding, a guy coming out in full hardcore sex gear WITH a whip, etc. Yes, this is all in the book.

"He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better."-Chelsea Handler

This is what I had envisioned my 20's would be like. Clearly, I was off. By a husband, house, two kids, and two cats. But I highly recommend this book. The first chapter alone is so hysterical and I decided right then and there (in the back of the tire store my brother works at since I *finally* got new tires...lamest birthday present EVER) that I have clearly taken the wrong path in my life. I could have been her. Shit- I still could be. She's gotta die sometime, right? I'm ready to fill that void when she does. Chelsea's agent- holla. ;)

Anyways. My chicky Danon over at The Insatiable Host is having a giveaway but is making into a Truth or Dare deal. I am lucky because I was the first (and let's be real- you can't be surprised I'm #1) so I have a TRUTH to answer: When was your first time doin the nasty...How old, where, who...deets peeps...deets!!(better make it good - even if it was not!)

Bitch, please. EASY.

October 1999. I was 17. He was 20. It was at his house (which was his parents house. Yes I know how lame this was. Don't judge. I was 17 and thought I was hot shit.) We had been dating since May. We got engaged in August (again...don't judge. I was stupid and my parents hated him so OBVIOUSLY I was going to say yes). He convinced me that because we were going to get married, we may as well have sex. Because being engaged and married are practically the same thing apparently. He told me it was his first time which I thought was weird considering he was 20 and had a lot of other girlfriends before me but whatever. He had a BAG of condoms in his dresser (which yay for being prepared but who the hell is THAT prepared). We lit a candle that smelled horrid. We listened to Nine Inch Nails' The Great Below. It was late afternoon but dark in his room because the curtains were closed.

It was, literally, only 2, maybe 3 minutes long. Like he got in, lots of pain but I knew this after reading the ton of stuff the doctor gave me when my mother got me birth control when I started dating him because she was thinking ahead. (Go mom!) But yeah- it hurt worse than I thought it would. THEN...his brother (a year younger than me) started banging on the door. His parents were home, drunk (again), and so yeah. That was that. I had to hustle to get myself put together and then realized that it hurt to sit. It hurt to stand and walk. So the guy, ever the gentleman, told me to "walk it off" and so we walked around the neighborhood. Which I'm sure I looked real cool hobbling along.

But that was that. I do remember thinking on my drive home, "What the fuck is the big deal with sex? That sucked." And with him it never got any better. For awhile I thought maybe he really was a virgin because it wasn't as fun for me as you see in shows. So then I thought maybe I had some deformity. We broke up at the end of 2001 because it just wasn't going to work out. I had a not so great relationship after him and then I met Matt. And even though after boyfriend #1 and I broke up I started to think that he lied about that (among a lot of other things) but then when I met Matt- I thought "holy jesus--- sex isn't so bad afterall". Maybe that's why I married Matt. Maybe I thought I hit the pinnacle of greatness. Who knows.

Things I learned:

-do not have sex with younger siblings in the same building.

- do not have sex for the first time without advil, lubrication, and some kind of pantyliner. Because you will bleed.

- if you are a slut- just be honest and tell your partner. If you have to lie because you think it'd be bad, then maybe you shouldn't be having sex like a rabbit in heat with everything that walks passed you.

-engaged and married are not the same things. Not even if you are carrying wedding planning magazines in your bag to school and flaunting a ring that the girl after you wore and you're pretty sure belonged to somebody before you.

-communication is KEY to having sex.

SO. Go visit my girl Danon over at The Insatiable Host and tell her I sent you. Specifically mention that I sent you. Also- she runs a panty pyramid. (snicker...) I just joined and so you should join. And then we can all prance around in our new panties and admire the giftbasket I am going to win. And tell dirty stories. Oooh..this is going to be fun.


SurferWife said...

I'm guessing you have not read my post with the letter to Chelsea. I went to a taping in December and got turned away because there were too many VIP's coming. I was so bent out of shape that I tweeted to Heather McDonald and she read said posting.

Heather Longboobs McDonald got me 2 VIP's for March 17 taping and I am one of the 34 peeps she follows on Twitter.

Yeah, you want to be one of my BFF's now so I can slang your name around when I get Chels to sign my copies of her books, don't ya?

I am so causing a scene when i meet C. Handler.

Gini said...

That is one broke-down, sadpants first time. But then again, my first time was in the butt. So what do I know? ;)

The Insatiable Host said...

xoxoxoxoxo Great TRUTH my friend!!!!

and so true it is...especially the walk it off...

Anyhow, you are in there like swim wear and thanks a shit-load for pimpin out PantyPyramid and the Truth or Dare give-a-way!!!

you are locked in!!!



PS...I totally bought the book (Horizontal Life) today as per your reccomendation and I can't wait until the house is empty and I tell everyone in my life I had a migrane all day to read it!!

Danielle said...

I LOVE CHELSEA TOO! I'm going to read that book as well! I've 2 more before it, but I'm going to read it! She is fucking fabulous, and I would LOVE to hang out with her! I got my mom addicted too!

Your first time story - hilarious! The quote at the bottom saying if you are a slut just be honest ... etc ... SHOULD BE QUOTED IN A BOOK SOME DAMN WHERE FOR GIRLS WHO WANT TO SAY THAT TO THEIR BF OR EX-BF'S! You, Sara, need to start writing your book, because I? Need to read it! :)

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I really need to read that book. She sounds hysterical. I've never even really watched her show (I know, I know, the shame!)

It's Just Me said...

I too have an un-natural obession with Chelsea. So much so that I now drink Belevedere Vodka now...

Miranda said...

Hi hot sexy thing! I figured if everyone was contesting then so could I. Check it out wit-cho-bad-self...

Anonymous said...

you are one brave lamb-whore leader to post that!!! i'm sure that my story would win the contest, but there's no way i'm parting with it! happy almost birthday!!!!

SpiritPhoenix said...

You convinced me to keep my giveaway going. If you want to enter now, feel free.

Good tips about having sex for the first time.

Julie H said...

I'm in my own little bubble and barely know who Chelsea is!

What would have been my first time ended with the guy getting frustrated and locking himself in the bathroom for a few minutes. Nice huh?

Kelly said...

love love love this book...i could read it over and over!!