Tuesday, August 1, 2017


I have so many emotions right now. I have so much that I want to share and say but I'm still writing every chance I get for my book. And maybe that book will never see the light of the published world, but I'm putting it out there anyways. So I'll try to share something real here.

Exactly one year ago I died. I went in as one person and I came out, eight days later, as someone totally different. My life as I knew it was gone and I will never have it back. At the time of crisis nobody thinks about that, the sole focus is saving a life, saving a family, averting a tragedy.
I am so angry at what happened to me. I am so angry that you can do everything right and it doesn't matter, when fate wants you it lets you know.
I wish more photos were taken. More videos. People assumed I wouldn't want those memories but I do. I have none of my own, I live through those photos. What if I had stayed dead? I would have wanted my kids to know I fought like hell.

Lucy, I am so sorry that I will never be able to tell you what it felt like to hold you the first time. I'm sorry I won't know what to say when you ask me when you hit milestones- I don't remember any of them. My fear is that soon I'll forget your baby stages all together. I already don't remember what you smelled like, or the sound of your tiny coos. I don't remember how fuzzy and soft your head looks like it was. I can't remember the feelings I felt when I held you. I can make a guess but it's not really the same, is it?
What a year. You are such a happy baby. It's like you know I am all out of steam, that I have nothing left in my mom engine and my fear is that instead of being the ridiculously spoiled baby of the family, you'll end up being the kid who gets the shaft. The leftovers. But you don't seem to mind. It's like you know how close you and I were to not seeing any of it. You're my incurable optimist.
You love the pets and their accessories. You love food, the look of joy on your face when you see a plate of food coming at you can brighten anyone's day.
You are an excellent sleeper and you wake up happy every single day. You're the first and the last thing I see every day.
Matt has been put through the wringer this year as well. To suddenly knowing his wife died, but revived, with an unknown future can't have been easy. He has watched me struggle, seen the depths of my anger, watched me on the edge of depression and watching me struggle with giving up or not.
Lucy, you're my girl. I know I drive you crazy with pictures but it's only so I have something to show you because I won't be able to tell you how loved you are, how hard I fought to stay here with you. I will take everything awful and try to turn it into something good for you. Of all of my kids I feel a different connection with you and you are the reason I keep going.

We're celebrating your special day with your one year checkup (with shots.. sorry love bug) and we're bringing a treat to the birth center. We owe them everything, and a little treat isn't enough but it's what we can do. I love these people like they are blood family. I'll share that another day. And we'll talk another day about where I am, one year later. But today? Today is all about you sweet love.


Jenn said...

I'm sorry for all you've been through. There's no denying those "anniversaries" of trauma can be super hard, terrifying, traumatic, etc. but you're strong and there is always hope in every tragic story. You'll get through this. Your family is so blessed to still have you with them!-Jennifer Yliniemi

Shann Eva said...

I read all of your posts, but don't always comment. You are such an amazing, beautiful writer. I feel every emotion every time I read your posts. I know it's hard for you to see sometimes, but you are also an amazing Mom. I'm so glad you are still here with your family and all of us. Sending love and hugs. And a great big Happy Birthday to Lucy.

Julie H said...

Happy Belated birthday to Lucy!