Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Book progress.. this is daunting.

I've never done anything super ambitious in my life, something that requires a lot of patience, time, and work. I mean, I guess growing four humans is a thing, but aside from that, I've got nothing.

Well, nothing I can remember anyways.

I've been doing some journaling, and every once in awhile I start working on what I think might be my book about AFE and the aftermath, but then I get overwhelmed. Everyone tells me to just write- it'll come. Which, I guess that might be helpful to them but for me it's just not that easy. I used to blog and just do it, words would just come out and without any effort at all, I could make people feel something. Now I feel like.. it's just not there. Like that part of my brain isn't firing on all cylinders. I want people to read the book and feel a gut punch. Feel like you are right there with me on what have been my lowest, most private moments. There have been so many things I have wanted to blog about, share on Facebook, tell someone, and I just haven't. In my head I'm saving them for the book but I'm scared to put it all out there.

Then I think, well, a total stranger isn't going to fully understand how far I have fallen if they don't know where I was. So then I feel like I need to explain where I was, what kind of person I was, and that really is the only way someone can appreciate what my reality is now. I also think, I kind of have to explain my marriage and why it is the way it is.. otherwise me screaming at the nurses how dare Matt do this to me, after everything I've been through with his sorry ass!, won't really make any sense, will it?

I just feel like I have a lot of story and so little room to give it, if that makes sense.
So in the meantime, I have been sorting medical records. I separated out my actual hospital stay into one pile and the rest into the specialists I've seen. I'm slowly going through each pile, highlighting things I want to remember (or more realistically, refer back to because we know damn well I won't remember) and it's a very daunting task. I've learned some new things that I didn't know (or at least remember) and I'm trying to come up with a list of questions to ask my OB and anesthesiologist because they have both told me I can ask anything, anytime. So that is really great.

The worst though, by far, has been reading my mental health records. That is not for the faint of heart and unless you really want to know what your therapist thinks about you after you cry hysterically on the couch for 60-90 minutes, DON'T DO IT. Ugh. I had to stop but I know I need to go back to them. A lot of holes in my timeline will get filled by reading those because I know I've been brutally honest with her. All of the awful, dark, scary things I'm too scared to tell Matt or my family have happened in there. And it should be in the book. People, I don't think, understand what a toll this takes on a person. I consider myself to be a fairly logical, strong, common sense bearing person and if something like this could take me down? What would it do to someone who wasn't these things?
So there's that. Also new, well developing over the last few months, is this super fun rash on my face. On the left is my face, right away in the morning, no makeup or anything. On the right is my attempt at covering it up. I have this fun rash that has started on one cheek and is slowly creeping over my nose to the other side, and it feels kind of like a sunburn. Some days it's worse than others and it was noted in my file for the rheumatologist because it could be a sign of lupus. Which, that's exciting.

(Sarcasm.)

I go on Friday to that doctor and I'm kind of nervous about it. I'm sure it'll be all questions, maybe some labs, but I 100% do not think I'm walking out of there with any kind of diagnosis. It's thought that all of my issues have got to be an auto-immune thing because nobody else knows so I'm shipped off to the next specialist. I keep saying there should be some kind of punch card system and once I hit 10 doctors I get a prize or something.

I also see my pulmonary doctor on Wednesday and I can't really remember anything about him but in my notes I wrote that I really like him and he's super nice. So there's that. I'm going in with questions for him as well.

But today I see my therapist. I go every other week and honestly, she's so great and keeps me off the ledge, literally. I've said (quite a few times this week) that had I not started seeing her last November or December (whenever it was), I would have killed myself already. She is worth every dollar my insurance is paying for, which I'll be paying for come January. It's been a rough last week so I'm anxious for my appointment.

9 comments:

Lauren said...

I'm glad you have a therapist that you love so much - that's good! I'm sorry that working on your book is such a struggle, but I DO think it will be an amazing story to share with people so keep it up - you can do it!

-Lauren

Nicole Pyles said...

Telling your own personal story is SO TOUGH! I have been trying to transform some personal experiences into fiction at least and just...I get blocked. It's like I'm trying to remind myself to just write this for me at first but I get so worried about the impact of my words on everyone around me. It's a journey but it's an important one!

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Finding a therapist that you like is always a good thing, I have never done anything exciting or special in my life, I am a mother a nanna and a wife my life is spent taking care of my family is that exciting or special I don't think so but someone else may think differently, my personal story isn't going to excite anyone but it is mine

middlechild said...

Just jot down little things as they come to you. Don't force yourself or make goals about your writing. You don't need to put pressure on yourself. If you have a question write it down but don't worry about the answer or try to figure it out right now. Please try to embrace your new self.

middlechild said...

I'm Karen andraski

middlechild said...

I'm Karen andraski

middlechild said...

Just jot down little things as they come to you. Don't force yourself or make goals about your writing. You don't need to put pressure on yourself. If you have a question write it down but don't worry about the answer or try to figure it out right now. Please try to embrace your new self.

middlechild said...

Just jot down little things as they come to you. Don't force yourself or make goals about your writing. You don't need to put pressure on yourself. If you have a question write it down but don't worry about the answer or try to figure it out right now. Please try to embrace your new self.

middlechild said...

Just jot down little things as they come to you. Don't force yourself or make goals about your writing. You don't need to put pressure on yourself. If you have a question write it down but don't worry about the answer or try to figure it out right now. Please try to embrace your new self.