Friday, February 21, 2020

Revenge of the Digestion System and Changes

When I posted on Facebook that I was going to have my gallbladder removed everyone told me how great I was going to feel. So much better! I have friends who have had it done and they all gave me good post surgery tips and talked about changes they made.


I'm like two weeks out from my surgery and you know how I feel?


I am nauseous ALL of the time. I have had the worst heartburn of my life and my Omeprazole isn't doing squat for it. I ate an entire bottle of Tums over the course of a day and no relief. The idea of food and eating it makes me want to throw up. I have been trying to eat toast, maybe a handful of grapes, some saltine crackers and all of it makes me want to throw up.

Even better?

It doesn't matter what I eat or how very little of it I have, I will have diarrhea. Not just regular, this is inconvenient diarrhea, but it is painful. The cramping is painful, too.

I did go to the surgeon follow up and I didn't meet with him, I met with one of his PA's, and she didn't seem concerned at all. Which... I can't imagine this is normal. Seriously, I cannot live like this. The closest comparison I have to this is morning sickness but EXTREME.

I am so tired and physically weak because I'm not getting enough nutrition but I cannot stomach anything. I messaged my gastroenterologist to ask for help. I see him at the end of March but I am going on that Washington D.C/New York City trip with Olivia (I'll post more about it next week) and I can't imagine going on that trip like this. I can't even run to Target without making several bathroom trips and then breathing and counting randomly so I don't throw up on the floor.

It's bad. So that's how my recovery is going.

Really big news that has come (literally) out of left field: we are moving.

I know, didn't see that coming, did you? I haven't talked about it much because I'm still just trying to process it myself, but my parents have moved to Florida to care for my grandparents. It is no secret that since my AFE things have been financially tight. To give you a better idea, when I had my AFE we had less than $5K in debt that wasn't a vehicle or house. It wasn't bad at all and we assumed I'd be going to work so it was manageable. Once it was clear that things weren't going to be the same and I wasn't going to work, we got a little nervous.

We were lucky to have a GoFundMe account and that is what kept us from losing our house because those first six months Matt was working sporadically between helping me at home, taking care of kids, getting me to appointments, etc. If you aren't working, your paychecks aren't covering the bills. We used that money to basically float us for six months. We never planned on me having disabilities, seeing so many specialists and having all kinds of tests, trying new medications and it being a never ending cycle. For the last three years when I say we are barely getting by, I am not kidding. We are in debt up to our eyeballs and the only solution right now is to plug the holes in the boat.

Our house is a hole in the boat.

Not only can we no longer (realistically) afford it right now, but our house is big. I mean, it looks big, but if you walk up and down the stairs all day? Exhausting for a healthy person. I am no longer capable of cleaning it. I can't take care of things. Some mornings I can barely get down the stairs when I wake up. It's just too much.

But let me be clear, I don't love this house. It wasn't going to be our forever home. It was really just to get us through raising the kids and then we would downgrade. Even though I'm not in love with this home, I'm really sad to move. I'm sad because we are moving to a home that is half the size, maybe even less. Six people = one bathroom. I feel like we're all being punished because I got sick. It's all my fault we're in this predicament and I feel guilty as hell. I know it isn't rational and we're here whether I feel guilty or not. I am scared that we're not seeing a larger consequence later on down the road. I trust Matt wholeheartedly and when he says this is what we're doing, this is what we're doing.

So where are we going?

We're moving into my parent's old home. I grew up there from age 14 and up. The house has sentimental value and the thought of someone else living there really bothers me, so I guess on the bright side I won't have to navigate those feelings right now. We will be saving a TON of money each month to apply towards debt. It does feel like a weight is lifted, like we're going to move forward again. We've got five years to get the debt under control and then we can either buy the house or we can move somewhere else. It's all kind of up in the air and if you know me, not having a concrete, permanent home base is terrifying for me. As a kid I really hated moving and it never made me feel secure. I worry that I'm doing this to myself now but also to my kids.

Fortunately, the only changes they'll have is a different bus stop. I'm not sure when we'll be IN that house because Matt has to build a bedroom for him and I (the house is only a 3 bedroom) in the basement, and then we'll start moving things over. We'll have a few things to fix here before we can list our house and hope it sells quickly.

I don't know if you are the praying type or just the kind who sends positive thoughts, but we would take any and all of it. I'm really feeling anxious, scared, and uncertain. I know all of it is my own issues and I'm going to do the best I can to make this move not a pain in the ass but also be kind to the kids. Olivia and Jackson really aren't thrilled, and Penelope and Lucy are so worried we won't be bringing their toys, stuffed animals, books, clothes, etc. The concept of moving is totally foreign to them and not Lucy so much but Penelope looks scared and I feel really terrible. That somehow my body has failed us all and its my fault they are sad/mad/scared.


So that's the scoop.

It's going to be OK. It can always be worse. I am thankful we will have a home. I am thankful we have family who help us out. I am thankful to have friends who have already told us they will help us in any way. I am thankful for my therapist who starting next week is going to see me have panic attacks during sessions again. I am sure she has missed them. HA!


Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

I'm sorry your recovery is literally going so shitty. I really hope that improves soon. I hope everything goes ok with the move. I will definitely be praying and sending good thoughts your way lady. Huge hugs.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Normally people DO feel better after getting their gallbladder out, so that's definitely weird you're not. I hope someone will listen to you soon and figure something out. I hate that you're feeling so awful. And wow, on top of moving! I know the kids are freaked out/not happy right now, but it'll be okay. They aren't going far, so not much will change apart from a new home. It'll take a bit to adjust, I'm sure, but it'll be okay. I'll be thinking of you and the family, and I hope that things look a bit brighter soon.


Jandy xx said...

When I divorced I moved from a beautiful 4 bedroom, two bath room and two living areas house- that I owned - with a brand new kitchen into a rented old 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom and 1 living room house that has literally not had a thing done to it since the 80’s. It was hard, a massive step down. But I’m so grateful for this house. It’s ugly AF but we made it a home. It saved me. We have zero debt (and zero assets but that’s ok for now, we’re working towards one day buying a house) but life is a lot easier now.
It is NOT your fault that you’re doing this, life is simply shitty sometimes but I really think this is a great idea for you - there’s nothing worse than money stress. Believe me I understand. You’ll be grateful you did this in a tear or so.

Sending you all the positive wishes and good vibes for the move and healing love for your recovery (sorry about my little essay!)

mypixieblog said...

Oh momma... I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this post recovery and that there are so many changes ahead for your family. But not all change is bad. As kids, my brother and I loved around quite a bit and bc we adjusted with each one. Wasn’t always easy but we stayed in the same schools (mostly), so the transition wasn’t too bad. And we learned to love our new space and make new friends wherever we went! Don’t blame yourself for this. You’re already going through so much—why pile on to that? It’s not your fault; these situations happen in life and where health matters are concerned, there are just some really unfortunate events that are beyond anyone’s control... so practice compassion to yourself, now more than ever. ❤️

SavingsInSeconds said...

I don't know how I somehow stumbled on your blog -- book link somewhere -- but I was meant to read your post today. Will pray for you and for your family. Hoping everything works out with the move, and that things start looking up!

San said...

One more thing, am I right? But it sounds like this will be good for you in the long run. Sending all the positive vibes for you and your family.