We ran for our harvest! Just kidding, we walked. But we didn't DIE.

Remember a few months ago and I told you I was training for my first 5K since my AFE? Well I did really well that first month. I did alright the second month. I did absolutely nothing my third (and most crucial) month. I mean, I did NOTHING. No walking, no jogging, no exercise at all. I did nothing. 

Then I realized the 5K was THAT WEEKEND and I was (rightfully) a little bit worried. 

I mean, I was fairly confident I would finish. I have never, ever been picked up during a race and I was not about to start that tradition now. My fear was the condition in which I would cross that finish line. 

Thankfully, I had my friend Amy with me, and THANK GOD, because had I been alone.... that would have been a sad state of affairs. I know I would have cried. Alone, like a loser. I am pretty sure Amy was trying to keep me talking the whole way so I wouldn't be thinking of the fact we were dead last for most of the race. (Which thank god- because Amy is the best and I am so, SO glad she agreed to do this with me!!!) 

Morning of the race was actually pretty gorgeous out. It was chilly, like mid-30s, but it wasn't awful. If you kept moving it wasn't really that bad, but I am really glad I brought my mittens because I ended up wearing those the entire time. 

Duluth, you're so pretty. 

And you know it. 

The cool thing about this race is that it is almost totally along the shore of Lake Superior but in order to get to the start line, you ride the North Shore Scenic Railroad. It drops you off and you start walking. 

It was kind of cute because as we were pulling up to the starting line, this older couple were standing there waving and suddenly the guy starts running alongside the train!! It was a fun start to the morning for sure. 

This was us, pre-race. We ended up not talking one after the race but I kind of forgot which was probably for the best. Ha! 

Hilariously, once we got off the train we were walking at a pretty decent clip, feeling motivated and like we've got this. 

We got what would be a few city blocks down only to realize we hadn't even crossed the start line yet. 

That was kind of a morale killer. 

So once we got started for real, I felt like we were pulling a pretty good clip. I thought that surely we had some folks behind us and that would be fine. There was a guy, who I think had some disabilities of some kind because he had a guy with him who was motivating him. Telling him to go faster so he'd run a little while and this guy was just walking. Anyways, Amy realized this guy was using us as a pacer. Every time we caught up, he would have this guy run and so he'd take off. After awhile it got a little frustrating because that puts us dead last and by mile two I was starting to feel my morals take a dive and I decide that if we are pulling up to the finish and I see this guy, I'm willing to sprint and push people out of the way. I'm not coming in last. NOT TODAY, SATAN. 

Also by mile two I feel like my cortisol levels are taking a total nose dive and you know those old Energizer Bunny commercials where he starts to slow down and eventually stops? That is exactly what I feel like- it's like I can actually feel my ability to function slow down and then I just can't. I know I hung onto Amy at least once and I'm like- please god just let me finish this because I had enough people telling me this was stupid, I shouldn't be doing this race, I'm going to be sick, etc. Doctors and people who know me had been telling me variations of that for weeks. 

And justifiably so because I really hadn't done anything to show them that I think I actually can do this. 

But by about 2.5 miles in we pass the guy and his coach and I'm like.... if I can just keep this pace... I'll be OK. Granted, this pace is ridiculously slow. By the time I could see the finish line, I actually thought I was going to collapse. 

But we finished. 

I got excited knowing that guy was behind us so we didn't finish last. 

BUT. 

According to the website, her and I came in last for walkers. That guy must have registered as a runner. 

Obviously, that is my worst time for a 5K, for running or walking. 

BUT! 

I am trying really hard not to thinking about how far I've gone down in fitness but focusing on the fact I finished a 5K when everyone said I couldn't. I actually FINISHED. 

In the aftermath, I can't say that I've done a whole lot of fitness stuff, but I can say I'm honestly thinking about it more. I'm pumping myself up. I remember doing this before and that led me to losing a lot of weight, running 5K's regularly, and exercising a lot. So in my time of mentally preparing myself, I've been following Running Fat Chef online through her blog, Facebook, and Instagram and just really listening to what she's saying. It also made me reminisce about the time when I was really hard core about fitness and I did a Weightloss Challenge. Do any of you guys remember that? I only vaguely did but I know going back to watch all of my old vlogs was kind of hilarious, kind of made me cry because I miss that Sara a whole lot, but also made me feel like maybe I can do this again. 

So let's do this again. 

Go back and see my first vlog and we're going to kick this off. 

PS) You guys, it's taken all this time but I finally understand the accent you all say I have. I feel shame. I hate that I have an accent. GAH!! 

Weight Loss Wednesday.. doing it, doing it, doing it now

Despite having a ROUGH couple of weeks, I've actually been pretty alright with my weight loss goals. I haven't lost any weight yet but I have been active almost every day.

March 26 - 31: I rode on my recumbent bike every day before lunch for 3 miles, 25 minutes. I've been doing that as Penelope and Lucy's lunch is cooking and that's kind of an ideal time to do it.

April 1 - 8: I rode on my recumbent bike every day for 3 miles, 25 minutes again, AND I did the Beachbody YouV2 program twice that week. That's a fairly low impact workout that lasts 30 minutes. I can't make the full 30 minutes but I'm working my way into it and the most I've done is 17 minutes and that was exhausting. I have to skip a day in between because it takes a full day to recover and be able to move. I also went for a 1.5 mile walk one night at the YMCA with my friend Tammy.

So far this week I only have done my recumbent bike once, but tonight I'm back at it plus I'm going to the YMCA to walk with a friend. I might go by myself on Thursday, we'll see. Friday for sure. I have to start getting use out of my membership plus getting out of the house will be helpful for me.

I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app again onto my phone and I can't remember my username. Sorry. But I have been doing well tracking my meals and I'm WAY under my daily calorie intake allotment so I'm not sure why weight isn't just falling off of me. Maybe it's my medications but I'm on such a low dose of steroids, I don't know if I can blame that anymore. Maybe. It's frustrating, though.

Next week I have my photo shoot and I still look pregnant, and even better, I have the equivalent of diaper rash between my fat rolls on my stomach by my c-section scar. So hot. I've never had that as a common occurrence before so that's something.

Alright. I'm going to keep at it, keep trying.

Weight Loss Wednesday: Screw you, body.

Last week I was pretty down on myself, and it's hard not to be. This week I have decided that even if I can't lose weight, I'm going to do something every day to exercise because I can't get any worse. I'm going to try really hard to maintain where I'm at if nothing else, I don't want to keep setting records for my worst weigh in yet. 

So. 

Every single day last week (except Sunday) I went three miles on my recumbent bike. It takes me about 25 minutes to do it and I have it on the third resistance setting so it's not super taxing but it isn't easy, either. 

On Monday I did my mile on the treadmill. Admittedly, I could have (and should have) done more but I'm going to fix that this week. If I can get two days on the treadmill in, I'll consider it improvement. 

If you are a long time reader of the blog you will likely remember my brief stint with vlogging. I was at my peak of fitness during those and I was working hard to do 5K's and I was able to briefly get down to a size 10 pant. 

Sigh. 

I miss her. I miss her for a lot of reasons, not just because she was a fit bitch, but because she was really the best version of me. I don't know if I can get back to that but if I could just get a little of that spark... I feel like I could move mountains. 

Workout Wednesday: It's back, lambs.

I have to be honest with you and myself- I am fat. I'm not Mama June fat but if I don't take the reigns soon I'll be there before we know it.

I haven't felt great about myself in awhile but I let it go because I was pregnant with Penelope. And then I got pregnant with Lucy and then I pretty much bounced back from death. I'm still wading my way through those waters, and I'm not doing a great job, but I'm hoping if I did something to get myself back to a better place maybe other things will fall into place. At this point, I'm desperate enough in my depression that not only would I win myself an award for being a great actress but I really need to try something before I lose it all.

So here we are. The brutal truth is that I currently weigh more than I ever have. My highest was 208, and that was the day I gave birth to Lucy. When I went for my follow up appointment after her, about 18 days after I had her, I was 182.

Today?

Well today I'm 221.

And when I went for my MRI, not only did I cry while changing into the formless gown, but I ripped the unisex, one size fits all pants. I actually ripped them, you guys.

I can't remember when I have ever felt so low in my life.

So we meet again, Fuckmill. I moved you out of my house for a few years, content at size 12 knowing full well that's a damn good spot for me to be in. But you're back now and then I let you get dusty. But we're going to be friends again whether I like it or not.

And let me be clear, I'm not happy. I want to be skinny. I want to be that mom who bounces back to great shape after having a baby and then they jog around the neighborhood bitching about needing to lose weight. I really want to punch those people. The only upside is that I'm pretty sure I could do it and claim insanity and avoid jail.  I'm fairly certain my weight gain is a combination of my medicine and lack of exercise. Just once I'd like to be prescribed something that makes you lose weight, is that so much to ask?

A large hurdle I'm already facing is just my health. I want to be active but after starting any kind of exercise, I get light-headed, dizzy, and my hips hurt so bad. Then my back hurts, shooting pains down both legs, and a fun bonus? A headache! It's all very exciting. I'm going to ease into t hings and see if that gets better.

No weight loss start up is complete without a "before" photo. I really hope that in a few months I'll see a difference. I'd like to not look pregnant. I feel so self conscious already. It's going to get better. It has to, right?