Book Review: A Tall, Dark Cowboy Christmas

I know I haven't talked about how my 5K went, but you can see by this post I'm still alive! This week has been especially stressful so just bear with me as I get through it. So today I'm giving you a book review for a holiday book but it's so great you'll want to start it early.

A Tall, Dark Cowboy Christmas - Maisey Yates

Grant Dodge didn’t expect to find a woman sleeping in an abandoned cabin on his family ranch. Or to find her so intriguing. Unlike every other woman in town, McKenna Tate doesn’t know Grant’s a widower. There’s no pity in the looks she gives him. McKenna wants him, and Grant has forgotten what it’s like to feel like a man. A no-strings fling for Christmas might be the kind of holiday cheer Grant needs…

With only a suitcase to her name, McKenna came to Gold Valley to confront her birth father. She didn’t plan to work at the Dodge ranch or fall for the gorgeous cowboy who keeps his heart roped off. But there’s no denying the way their broken pieces fit together. Hope brought her to Gold Valley—but will it be the gift that could finally heal Grant, and McKenna’s own wounded heart?

I am such a Maisey Yates fan so you know when I saw this come up for review I was all over it! I've read others in her Gold Valley series and I really have enjoyed them so I love that she made this holiday book a part of that series. You don't need to read the rest of the books to enjoy this, it's fully a stand alone. If you're fans of the rest of the series you see cameos of previous characters so that's kind of nice.

In this book we have Grant, who is basically a functioning alcoholic since the death of his wife/high school sweetheart. He gets the pity of people around town and that drives him crazy so he hasn't pursued relationships ever since. Enter McKenna, a woman with no ties to anything and only the contents of her backpack to her name, but she's in Gold Valley to hopefully find her birth father. She takes refuge in an abandoned cabin and Grant finds her. Instead of treating her like an unwanted criminal, the Dodge family take her in. She starts work on the ranch and they give her use of one of the cabins which is the nicest place she's stayed in for as long as she can remember.

The best part of this is that you know these two are going to end up together and they both need each other. They are both a little bitchy, for lack of a better word, and they get on each other's nerves, constantly snipping back and forth. They both need love and to be cared for in different ways and they can give that to each other... if only they can stop barking long enough to see it.

Overall? I'm giving this one 5 stars. Honestly. I really love Maisey Yates because she gives you a story that grabs at your heart strings, throws in some fun romance, and brings it all together for a great ending. This book all comes around Christmas so it adds another layer of Hallmark movie goodness that makes me love it even more. I really liked both characters because independently they have pretty tragic back stories, but together they make a pretty great couple and you can see it early on. This might be the holiday book I recommend the most, you guys. Get it now while it's still in stock!

   

Flappy core, motivational whipping, probably going to die

This has been a fairly insane week. I committed to a lot of things this week because I'm at the point now where I'm getting really angry about not being at the level that I used to be. Realistically, I can't be at that level. But I'm angry. So I sign up for a lot of things, can't do them, then I'm angry at myself because I can't do it and let people down. Cue shame and guilt and that my friends... is what's keeping me around. My therapist will flat out tell you she doesn't work with me on any of that because if that's what keeps me here then it needs to stay.

Sigh. 

I started the week off with therapy. I feel like that's a really good way to start the week, to be honest. I make a lot of my therapy appointments on Monday. But this was in the evening so I have a friend who got Olivia to dance and I was able to pick her up. (But also cry in my car for a solid hour after without her seeing, so that's a bonus win.) Therapy was tough and I can't imagine not having that safe space to get out everything I hold in during the week. 

Also this week I made a goal of wanting to work out in some capacity three times a week. I know, I know, I KNOW I have made this goal a lot this year but I am sticking to it. I just can't handle this weight anymore and I'm getting so frustrated. Clearly moderating my diet is doing nothing because I'm down to a structured 1200 calories a day for the last six months and I've gained ten pounds over that time. Like... what the hell?? 

So in my quest of finding something low impact to get my started I settled on a pre and post natal workout program on Beachbody on Demand. I figure if pregnant and just given birth women can do it, I can do it. 

 Lucy tried participating as well. That was her version of a modified plank. She mostly just whipped me with resistance bands and that actually started to hurt once she got the hang of it. 

I did that on Tuesday and to be honest, I felt like it was more of a stretching workout and that this maybe wasn't going to have much impact at all. Like maybe it was TOO low impact. 

Wednesday I couldn't get down the stairs and had to scoot. I couldn't sit on the toilet, let alone get off of it. (Obviously, I did not take a Linzess pill.) I was so surprised at how badly my legs and my arms/shoulders hurt. 

Yesterday my legs hurt so bad that I had a hard time walking as much as I did. My workout yesterday consisted of hauling Lucy in/out of her car seat a LOT and walking her in and out of buildings. Which I know sounds stupid, but we walked about a mile and a half in all. I was EXHAUSTED by the time I got home with Penelope and Lucy. 

 I have to just share this photo. This was on Tuesday and for a good portion of my workout she sat in the chair, patiently waiting for her lunch time movie. She was pretty good about it after she stopped whipping me. 

But all of this freaks me out because tomorrow? Tomorrow I do the first 5K I've done in oh.... three years? I'm doing the Fitger's Harvest Run with my friend Amy and we're both going to walk the 3.1 miles. The kicker is that I did not finish my "training" so technically I have not actually walked three miles in about three years. So yeah... I am confident I will make it across the finish line but I am not confident I'll be able to move on Sunday. 

Stay tuned. 

Super great share from this week came from my friend Jennie. Her sister was having her baby at the same hospital I've had all of my kids but when you first come in on the window sill is the plaque I gave them in recognition of saving my life. It has the picture of when I first met Lucy (while awake) and basically saying this hospital is equipped and capable of saving you should this happen to you. It was really pretty but it's kind of nice to see it again. I've actually had people say (after hearing my story) that they saw something at the hospital and I say, that was me! So maybe not everyone knows what an AFE is, but they see this and maybe decide to Google it. The more people know about it, the more we can save. 

So that was my week. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'll take pictures and report back on Monday!

Saying goodbye.

A few weeks ago I posted briefly about my Grandpa dying. It really hit us suddenly because we had just lost Grandma and literally the day of her funeral my Grandpa complained that his stomach hurt. Fast forward a couple of weeks and it turns out he had stage four pancreatic cancer that had spread to his stomach. We knew it would be fast but honestly we all thought we'd get the holidays with him. At least with Grandma she fought for two years and it was a slow decline so we all really had the time to get used to knowing she would be gone. It was a sad funeral but we all knew it would happen and by then it felt like a blessing so she didn't have to endure any more. With Grandpa it just felt really cruel because we all thought we were going to have more time. 

But that's not what we got. 

His decline was actually pretty rapid and my parents were there every step of the way and that was such a blessing. Both Grandma and Grandpa expressed being scared about the end and I think no matter how prepared you are, we all get scared. You are walking into an unknown and nobody can tell us what it was like. They're gone and we just hope it's gentle and not scary. 

Heck- I've technically died twice and I have nothing to report. I don't remember any of it so I don't know if there is a bright light or someone to guide you. It really scares me when I think about it. 

I was really bummed because I had planned on visiting him that weekend because I would have Matt home to watch the kids and I figured I could go up for a while and watch game shows with him. I didn't get that chance because he passed away peacefully on September 11, the day before him and Grandma's anniversary. Honestly, I really hope that was on purpose and I hope we do get to see our loved ones and I really hope him and Grandma are together. That's really the only peace in all of this. So I didn't get to see him and my dad sent me a message letting me know while I was at the Bruno Mars concert and my drive home was pretty emotional. 

When I told Olivia and Jackson the next day they were pretty upset. They had gone to Grandma's funeral so they knew what to expect and I wasn't worried about that. We got the funeral details and planned our day around that. 

The visitation was sad. The moment we walked in Jackson burst in tears. I hadn't expected that but I think maybe the whole thing just overwhelmed him. We sat and talked about the fun things he got to do with Grandpa and his favorite memories of Grandpa. My Grandpa really was a gentle giant. He was tall and always muscular and he was a Vietnam veteran. He saw John McCain's plane go down, he did special missions, he was a big deal during the war. He never talked about it and we all kind of knew it was hard to talk about but he was well respected. He was to get full honors at the burial, and I had never seen that so I was excited to see that and for my Grandpa no less. 

But I was surprised Jackson asked for me to go with him to the casket. Neither kid wanted to go up for Grandma and I said it was OK because it was their first funeral and I'm not going to make them do anything. But Jackson really wanted to see Grandpa and honestly, do you know what I remember the most about my Grandpa? His hands. He had lost so much weight and was so thin but to me, his hands looked just the same. 

He was buried at Fort Snelling and that's where Grandma is so we knew where we were going. The strange thing about national cemeteries is the casket is put on a pedestal of concrete, you say a quick prayer and comment, and then you have to literally go. You get maybe 15 minutes because they have that many funerals there every day. I remember with Grandma when we left I felt so terrible just leaving her there like even though there's a guard there. And with Grandpa, I was such a dang mess I didn't really look as we left. But there was a soldier standing there and it just felt so respectful. 

Flags throughout are at half staff because a soldier was being buried.  

 I had never seen a flag folding ceremony be done and this was the only non blurry photo I got because I was crying and shaking so badly. 

They had a gun salute and I've never seen it happen before and man- it was somber. My dad gave my kids the gun shells from this. 

This was easily, the saddest funeral I have ever been to. I have ever cried that hard at a funeral and literally everybody there was in tears. The funeral home people were in tears because they knew my Grandpa after burying Grandma and it just felt like we really lost a good one. 

Jackson cried the ENTIRE way home. I mean, he was legitimately distraught and I felt like I had no idea what I could do for him. 

But it occurred to me later that night, we were all in our stages of grief, but Jackson was crying at dinner and I had said to him, "It's OK bud, don't cry." and I didn't think anything of it. Until bedtime and it struck me that it's such an automatic thing we say but it's such a terrible message. I want him to know he can cry as long as he wants and that it's totally OK. So I called him into my room and I explain that to him and we're talking about death and dying, and he asks me if I will bring him to Florida when my other grandparents die. My heart broke a little more and promised I would. He wanted to know if he could have something of Grandpa's to remember him by and I said I would see what I could do. 

My dad totally came through and he got a dresser but both kids got these very cool military coin/medallion things and these coin holders my grandpa ALWAYS had. 

But you know what gutted me? My dad was going through my Grandpa's important papers from a safe and he came across an envelope we had sent him a few years ago. I open it up and it was two handmade Veteran's Day card Olivia and Jackson had made him. I couldn't believe he had kept them. With important papers, no less. My kids loved them so much and I know my grandparents loved them so much more in return. 

It just really feels like the end of an era. All of our holidays for the last 20+ years have revolved around getting together with them. I always counted on a cookie plate and pie from Grandma for Christmas. Grandpa would tell jokes. Even when I really messed up a holiday dish they would tell me it was fine. Grandma would tell me I have the worse baster and I needed new lights in my kitchen. Scoff at jarred gravy and quickly make real gravy. I think that's when it's going to really hit me. I'm sad now but I think when these moments should be happening and they don't- it'll hit me. 

Oh! But I have to tell you quick before I go. So years ago, when Furbies where popular, my Grandpa was obsessed with them. He had a LOT. Like a whole room full. We got him one as a joke for Christmas one year but he really took a liking to these. When they moved Grandma finally got him to sell some and we joked at the funeral that man, we hope they aren't in the storage unit and all come to life when someone opens the door! Well it turns out, one Furby was left. It hadn't gotten sold and my dad gave it to Jackson. That kid has been playing with this Furby more than any toy since his Batman Batcave when he was 3. I'm not even kidding. 

"Every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time." - 'What Sarah Said', Death Cab for Cutie

Book Review: Lone Star Christmas

You guys.... I am SO COLD. It's only early October and already I feel like I'm going to freeze to death. That's probably not a good sign for this winter, is it? Yikes. But if I'm going to be cold, I may as well into the Christmas spirit, right?

Lone Star Christmas - Delores Fossen

A family crisis brings him home...Just in time for Christmas Cattleman Callen Laramie has no intention of returning to his hometown of Coldwater, Texas, until a Christmas wedding and a family secret convince him he has no choice. And when he's reunited with his childhood crush, the girl who'd always been off-limits, Callen knows leaving might not be so easy this time. Shelby McCall is as pretty as a Christmas snowfall, and Callen wants to kiss her under the mistletoe...and the Christmas tree...and the stars. But once Shelby knows the whole truth behind this homecoming, will their holiday fling come to an abrupt end? Or will she accept the gift of his heart? 

I know I've reviewed other books by Delores Fossen on the blog before and I've really enjoyed them so it won't come as a surprise that I'm giving this on a solid 4.5 stars. I'm only knocking it that little bit because Callen kind of comes off as a callous asshole in the beginning and I really hate that romance stereotype in almost every romance. The guy starts as a jerk and gets less jerkish throughout the book. What I really loved? Shelby. Shelby is a take no nonsense kind of gal and when Callen decides he won't go to the wedding of his foster father even though he gets a personal message saying he needed to talk to him, Shelby decides to drag him back. She goes to Dallas with the sole intention of getting him to this wedding.

Shelby isn't just anyone though, she's Callen's childhood crush who was deemed off limits. Shelby harbors a little something for Callen too so the expected sexual tension keeps this book floating. The development of their relationship is really good and it reminds me why I love Delores Fossen's books. Unexpected perk of this book? It's FUNNY. I suspected when the book starts off with a stuffed armadillo wearing a veil on a wedding invitation, but there are many laugh out loud parts in this book that breaks up some of the parts that could really drag this down. Completely fit for a Hallmark movie, this book is a sweet romance between two fun characters, but the book is so enjoyable you'll be disappointed when it's over.

   

Book Review: The Secrets We Carried

I am so, so glad this came up in my pile because I was starting to feel I hadn't really read any fall books and this one hit that mark. It felt fallish for me and I really enjoyed getting cozy under a blanket with this one!

The Secrets We Carried - Mary McNear

Sometimes life changes in an instant.  

Quinn LaPointe grew up on beautiful Butternut Lake, safe, secure, sure of her future. But after a high school tragedy, she left for college and never looked back. Becoming a successful writer in Chicago, she worked to keep out the dark memories of an accident that upended her life. But now, after ten years, she’s finally returned home. 

Butternut is the same, and yet everything is changed. Gabriel Shipp, once her very best friend, doesn’t want anything to do with her. The charming guy she remembers is now brooding and withdrawn. Tanner Lightman, the seductive brother of her late boyfriend, wants her to stick around. Annika Bergstrom, an old classmate who once hated Quinn, is now friendly. Everyone, it seems, has a secret.

Determined to come to terms with the tragedy and rebuild old relationships, Quinn settles into Loon Bay Cabins, a rustic but cozy lakeside resort, where she begins writing down her memories of the year before the accident. Her journey though the past leads her to some surprising discoveries about the present. As secrets are revealed and a new love emerges, Quinn finds that understanding the past is the key to the future. 

This book is being marketed towards people who like Susan Wiggs and Susan Mallery and I have to agree, if you are a fan of either of those authors you will like this book. It's the same writing style and it gives you the same feel as you read it. It also should be noted that this book is sixth in the Butternut Lake series but it is a stand alone book. I haven't read the others in the series but I didn't feel like I was missing anything by not reading them, but now I'm interested in picking the others up because I really liked this book.

The book follows Quinn and her recovery/grief/reckoning of the deaths of her boyfriend Jake and his friends Griffin and Dom. After the accident and graduation she left town and vowed to not come back. She gets an announcement in the mail of a memorial going up in their honor by someone anonymously so she decides that she needs to put the past behind her. She finds that people that she thought were friends aren't so much anymore and people who should be angry with her aren't and she's surprised at every turn. The entire book is Quinn navigating awkward encounters, stilted conversations avoiding obvious topics, and her trying to work through her guilt of that night because she believes she had a key part in their deaths. She soon discovers that others feel that same guilt and they have all been kind of stuck in that moment.

Overall? I really liked this book. I'm actually giving it 5 stars because I couldn't put it down, and it felt like the right book to read right now. I'll admit that Quinn is almost a little annoying and it feels like she takes on too much responsibility that I don't think a reasonable person would. It's hard to remember that the accident happened when they were still kids so I guess maybe that guilt would be expected. The best part of this book is that everyone is kind of webbed together and the ending is fantastic. I finished the book with an audible "wow" and immediately texted my friend that they had to read this book. Sometimes books with so many characters and different pieces gets tedious to keep together but the author really did a great job bringing it together to give us a great ending with no loose ends. Absolutely fantastic. You can pick up The Secrets We Carried on the HarperCollins website!

   

The struggle continues.

I haven't done a medical update in awhile so I figured I'd do one so people don't think I'm miraculously awesome.

• My mental health is... shaky. I don't mean that like I'm on the verge of hanging off the bridge, but just that it doesn't seem to have any consistency. Some days I feel really great and think my combination of Wellbutrin and Trileptal are working. Then other days I feel like a ton of bricks has hit me and I check the calendar to see when my next psychiatry appointment is. Turns out it's tomorrow. But then I think, what am I even going to say? I don't know how to convey what I'm feeling. I can't even do it here. But then I wonder if maybe it isn't just circumstantial. I'm dealing with two deaths, navigating those losses with my kids, we're broke and it stresses me out, and we're only three weeks into school and I feel defeated. I don't know I guess. I mean, this is better than when I was on just Wellbutrin, that's for sure, but it's hard to know where the top is, you know? Like what is my best outcome here? How will I know I'm at the best it can be? 
• Therapy is going good. Again, sometimes I walk out of there feeling like I have a good handle on how to handle things and cope, and then other days I'm crying in my car the whole way home. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to any of it. 
• I am realizing that I have either always had it and just didn't realize it, or I'm just developing and almost crippling fear of What If? What if I get cancer? What if there is something wrong with me and nobody is finding it? What if I never get better? What if they think I'm crazy? The list goes on. I feel like I'm not really able to convey how I'm feeling, like I'm not able to get the words and thoughts out, so I just give up and say I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm very much not fine but I'm also tired of people telling me they don't know. 
• Rheumatology is kind of freaking me out. I basically dread going. My doctor is retiring so pretty soon here I'll be seeing someone new and the idea of going through it all over again is just daunting. She doesn't really know what to do for me. The methotrexate isn't working miracles and to be honest, being on that long term kind of freaks me out. My next stop would be Humira. I absolutely, 100%, no doubt about it, cannot inject myself. I can't even have Matt do it. I really struggle when a trained professional does it so I just can't. I know people tell me I'm being a baby and I know, and I don't care. I can't do it. So that means it would be Humira infusions. Which... that's scary because my mom did infusions of a few different drugs and she developed cancer. That's one of the "it might happen but probably not" side effects but knowing it happened to my mom scares me. The doctor doesn't seem to be worried but then I think- maybe I ought to just deal with chronic pain because that's probably better than fighting cancer. Right? But it's been getting colder and the seasons are changing and I can feel it in my body. I used to think people were weird when they said that but nope, I get it now. I feel like I have a fever and the start of the flu every day. It's just the worst. 
• I see Endocrinology in November. I have to ask about weight loss. I'm not kidding when I tell you I am barely eating 1000 calories a day and I have not lost a pound. I'm at almost six months of this and not one pound. It hurts to exercise. I'm so frustrated. I'm terrified because my grandma's cancer could have been found sooner had she been thinner and that's constantly going through my head. The cancer she had is what I'm at risk for and I keep thinking, if it's a freakish and bizarre thing, it's going to happen to me. I just know it. 
• Gastroenterology.. I don't even know what to think. I'll tell you right now I'm not taking that Linzess every day as prescribed. NOPE. Now I'm at the point where I'll take it when I feel constipated and plan to be home bound for several hours. It's not gotten any better, I am legitimately on a toilet for six or more hours. If I'm lucky I actually make it there before all hell breaks loose. Literally. But I still have stomach pain and at this point I'm so frustrated that I don't know if there is even a point for all of this. 
• I went a year EXACTLY without a period, then got one. Then a month after that I got some random spotting. I've had just a dull pain all of the time but it doesn't feel like period cramps. I figure I'll wait until my physical to deal with that. 
• I have THE WORST rash under my left boob. It's always my left boob. At first I thought it was a heat rash or like a diaper rash would be, but no. This keeps coming back and today it feels like it's on fire. No cream is doing it. I took a picture of it (sorry, you don't get to see my under boob) just in case I don't have it during my physical- which is how everything goes. 

• That's my medication spread. It's all fun and games when you've met your deductible but I'm really worried about the cost of all of this come January. I now have to have all of medications reviewed thoroughly periodically and that's really nice because honestly, how would I know if I shouldn't be taking something?? I finally labeled them with "AM" or "PM" on the lids so I'd remember which pill slot to put them in. 

So that's the scoop. I'm getting weary. I'm starting to feel resentful over all of this. I think I always kind of did but I'm recognizing and acknowledging it now. But it's OK- I have therapy next week. 

Book Review: Mistletoe Miracles

I know, we aren't even at Halloween yet and already I'm coming at you with a Christmas read! But honestly, you have to order your books now so you can read them all December long. Get on the Christmas train, you guys!

Mistletoe Miracles - Jodi Thomas

A small-town Texas Christmas story, where hearts are lost, love is found, and family always brings you back home.

Griffin Holloway is desperate: the Maverick Ranch has been in his family for generations, but lately, it’s a money pit. He’d sooner marry one of his horses than sell the ranch. Marriage, though, could be a solution. If he can woo a wealthy bride, he might save the ranch—just in time for Christmas.

Jaxon O’Grady likes his solitude just fine, thank you very much. But when a car accident brings the unexpected to his door, he realizes just how much one person can need another.

Crossroads is the perfect place for Jamie Johnson: avoiding nosy questions about why she’s single, she’s happy to keep to her lakeside home. So she’s baffled when she gets the strangest Christmas present of all, in the form of a Mr. Johnson, asleep on her sofa. Who is he, and why does everyone think he’s her husband?

In this uplifting novel, three unlikely couples discover just what Crossroads, Texas, can offer: romance, belonging, and plenty of Christmas spirit.

I am really glad that this was the first holiday read for this season because this was an excellent one to start with. I enjoyed the entire book, all three couples, and I'll start by telling you that I'm giving this one a 4.5 stars. The only thing that brings it down just a smidge is it got a little slow in the middle for me but not nearly enough to consider stopping. You end up invested in all three couples, which are all connected, and it's so good it makes you wish this would end up in one of those Hallmark Channel holiday movies. No joke. I've read a couple other books by Jodi Thomas and she's a pretty solid writer and gives you a feel good romance, a little ranching thrown in, and leaves you wanting another book by her.

So we have Mallory, who is trying to start over from her abusive ex but before that can start she's in a car accident. She finds her dog, and a second chance at love, in Jax. (This was my favorite couple because that story line always gets me!) My second favorite story line is Jamie and Wyatt. Jamie has been telling people she's married (she's not) so enter Wyatt. He's a soldier who is looking to slow down and see where life takes him but everyone assumes that he is Jamie's husband who has come back. He ends up at Jamie's house (when she's not there) so when she comes back, obviously she's shocked. Except it works out for both of them so they go along with the charade to keep up appearances except (no shocker) they start to fall for each other. This story line was so out there that I couldn't help but like it because it would make for kind of a great romcom movie, wouldn't it?? I didn't love the Griffin and Sunlan relationship only because Sunlan kind of comes off as a wuss. Her father is a grade A jerk and she's trying to find a way to get out from under this thumb. Griffin is in bad financial shape and his ranch is going to go under unless (logically) he marries rich. (Massive eyeroll here) So Griffin sees Sunlan as his cash cow and Sunlan sees Griffin as the guy to save her from her father so she's going from a bad situation to a questionable one. (Because what gal doesn't want to marry a man to pay his bills?) I didn't love this story line and I kind of skimmed over their story because the premise annoys me.

Overall? I really liked this book. I like the holiday tie in, I liked how every couple had their own ups and downs and felt cohesive with the book. Normally I don't like multiple story lines in a book but the author did a good job bringing them all together.