Weight Loss Challenge (ep 2)

Let's get started! 

Now, I mentioned I'm doing the Gobble Gallop Tough Turkey 1 miler and I fully intend to dress up. Life is too short to not own a turkey hat, as far as I'm concerned. I just don't know which one I should get: 

   

In my hunt for a suitable hat, I found turkey socks that I absolutely NEED. 

I am actually pretty excited and I'm going to try to get it done faster than 30 minutes. It took me an hour to do 3.1 miles so I'm really optimistic about this. 

I wanted to share a thing or two each week that I found to be inspirational or even motivational. I'm really going with the idea that happy and positive things are going to lead to good results, and you can tell I'm really grasping at bottom barrel, right? I'm not quite at the point where I have a motivational Pinterest board but don't assume I won't get there when I hit a rut. Ha! 

But this week I've really enjoyed listening to the 300 Pounds and Running podcast. I actually stumbled onto it by accident and since then, I have seen it referenced quite a bit, so it's definitely popular. I know I have a lot of friends who always say, "Oh I can't run" and I know I was definitely in that camp. Until I started doing it and then I can't say I enjoyed it, but I definitely felt like I had accomplished something. My issue has always been coming in dead last and feeling like somehow my accomplishment wasn't good enough because I'm last. I'm definitely not in the boat where I'm thrilled coming in last, but I'm trying to learn grace and how to give myself grace. 

It's a work in progress. 

Florence & the Machine. Epic.

I'm going to apologize for lack of pictures, and the crappiest quality of the two I took. I only had my phone, which was almost dead, so I couldn't go hog wild on capturing memories and all that. 

But a couple of weeks ago my friend Tammy and I had tickets to see Florence & the Machine. I hadn't seen them before but I've always heard really good things about their live shows so when cheap tickets became available, I went for it. 

LUCKILY FOR US, we happened to be in the right nosebleed section because they moved all of us to much better seats fairly close to the stage. 

 I mean, these seats were a lot more money and our original seats were like... top row of the highest set of bleachers. Ha! So that was a pretty cool surprise! It was at the Target Center in Minneapolis, which was completely re-done, and I hadn't been in the new and improved version. I have a go-to restaurant at every venue I see concerts at so I just plan to eat there. Except my go-to for Target Center? Closed. Gone. Adios. 

You know what I ate for dinner? 

A half order of nachos. Like the worst nachos I had ever had. And a bottle of water. Cost? $21. 

 Oh well. So we got our super awesome seats and took a quick picture. Clearly the people behind us weren't the happiest ever. The people in front of us were really nice, two older couples, all of them doctors. Real friendly. 

I hadn't looked beforehand to see who was opening and really it's no big deal because I enjoy watching the opening band anyways- I've found a lot of new and great artists that way.

This concert?

Perfume Genius was the artist.

It was HORRIBLE. Tammy reminded me we once saw and opening band that literally only played bells and that wasn't as bad as Perfume Genius. IT was like.... really bad performance art? I honestly don't know how to even describe it and it went on FOREVER, then suddenly he walked off the stage and was done. It was the most bizarre opening set I think I've ever seen. 

But then Florence came on and you guys- the rest of Florence & the Machine all come out like a beautiful parade, flowing down these wooden stairs... and then Florence comes floating down and starts the show with June, and honest to god- it felt like a religious moment. I am not even ashamed to tell you I completely cried during that song because it's one of my favorites off their new album.

The set wasn't terribly long but decent, she played all of the fan favorites of course. I didn't stay for the encore because I wanted to try to get out ahead of the crowd because I'm always so worried about getting lost or disoriented in an unfamiliar place and people, so yeah. I missed that.

I'm not very hippie like so when it got to the point where she wanted you to hold hands with everyone, give strangers hugs, etc that is a little beyond my comfort zone. I did really appreciate when she told everyone to put down their phones at least for a few songs, that was just really nice. Maybe my favorite part of seeing her live is she has this meek, almost child like speaking voice and then she sings and it's this power house, can take the wind from your chest and it's just so unexpected, maybe that's the charm of this group.

Overall this was a pretty amazing concert and I would 100% see her again. 

Weight Loss Challenge, ep. 1 (vlog included!)

Someone said that if I'm going to start this and really put it out there, I should mention how I got so chunky, because it wasn't by poor diet and total laziness. Some of it was, certainly, but the majority of it has come from having a fourth baby and dying twice while doing so. If you are new here and you have no idea what I'm talking about, or what an Amniotic Fluid Embolism is, please click that link and catch up.

Anyhoodles.

So I'm officially starting a Weight Loss Challenge. I'm posting pictures, I'm vlogging, it's the real deal this time. I did it years ago, it worked and I lost a lot of weight, and it's not just being accountable to one person, but many.

I had a friend preview this, someone who hasn't seen me in person in a long time and she said I look and sound different. I don't really feel like I do, but I also don't watch myself on video regularly, so there's that. 

Right now, at this very second (I'm lying, this was yesterday at 2 in the afternoon but it has not changed), I am 211.4. I'm only 5'3 so I am REALLY over my BMI and though I think the BMI is kind of nutty, I'm very close to being able to do a weight loss surgery, something I don't ever want to do. I really want to work at this because I know that I can. It's going to be slow, but it can be done. 

I am going to take actual measurements this weekend (trust me, they won't go down by then) and share them on my Monday post. 

Obviously my biggest insecurity area is my stomach, complete mid-section. It seems to change daily- some days it's not actually so bad and I feel OK. Other days it seems to expand and instead of looking 3-4 months pregnant, I look around 5 months pregnant. I know my thighs and waist are larger, my arms are larger, but those things don't feel so important anymore. But my midsection makes me nervous because my Grandma died of bile duct cancer which could have been found sooner had she lost weight sooner. I have a LOT of abdominal issues right now and I'm so paranoid I have something really wrong with me. I probably don't but I'm always thinking what if. 

It was a sobering moment taking these photos. I almost didn't do it but I'm in a Facebook group that is to motivate you to do better for yourself and everyone says they wish they had true "beginning" photos to really see how far they came. That's why I did it. 

I'm realistic and know that I won't have a flat stomach. From the belly button down, like way down I have a pretty gnarly vertical scar from my emergency c-section, and then being re-opened to find where I was hemorrhaging. I always say that area is dead because I don't have a lot of feeling there and the muscles are completely shot. Basically, I won't ever be a Victoria Secret model. And that's OK! I really just have a goal of size 12 pants, being able to go upstairs and down without using an inhaler, and doing active stuff with my kids again like hikes and adventures. Thankfully, at age 36 I'm completely over wanting to be attractive by what society says is pretty and I'm moving into aging gracefully. (That alone is really very freeing, you guys. I promise.) 

So on Monday... I'll check in again. Every Monday I'll get an updated post for you. If you have weight to lose, or maybe you just want to get more fit and feel better, FOLLOW ALONG! If you follow me on the Facebook page for this blog, I will maybe post daily thoughts and struggles. 

One step closer to the loony bin... or prison. Thanks, family.

Before I get into today's post, my latest post for Duluth Moms Blog is live! It's Meal Planning for Dummies and I think you'll like it. 

I know many moms are going to relate to this post because we've all been there. It happens to all of us. I know it used to bother me before but I was able to take this kind of thing in stride a little easier, but post AFE I give absolutely no craps and I'm just done. 

I'm physically, mentally, emotionally done with it. 

I am so close to losing it on my family and I don't even think they care. Maybe I have to go ballistic on them for them to get it? My poor psychiatrist always asks if I feel rage and I have to say every day. I always get the blank stare because he's not sure what to think about that but it's true. Every single day I am brought to the brink of rage and it's my family. It's not anyone else, it's the people who live in this house. 

 The recycling. We have a paper bag that we collect our recycling in and then when it's full, someone takes it out. As of late my family have given that up and they now leave it on the windowsill. I'm not sure who they think is going to take care of it, but it drives me crazy. The bag is RIGHT THERE. But you see, that makes the bag full and logically they'd have to take it out. Nobody wants to take it out so they do this creative bit and wonder why I get angry. 

 I don't actually eat a lot of food. If I eat once a day I'm doing pretty good. Sometimes all I want is a small bowl of cereal. But I can't even have that because everyone leaves the box open and it goes stale. It's so infuriating. 

 Alright, this was Lucy. Lucy colored on my brand new, expensive grown up lamps. I mean, if the light is on you can't see it but once you turn it off there it is. Thanks, Lucy. 

 This was no help from my family, this was ALL ME. I worked all weekend doing laundry, folding it, putting it away (or in people's rooms). I had to take a picture to document the fact that it happened. It actually happened. A family of six and an empty laundry basket. 

It didn't last long. Actually only until the morning when Olivia filled it. She filled it with stuff I told her to put away early in the week and I know damn well she hadn't worn. I swear to god that girl is going to send me to the brink because of her laundry. 

 Someone didn't even have the decency to put a new roll on top. I mean, I have no expectations a roll would be changed but you could at least get us halfway there with a roll on top. 

Not my family. 

I sweep my floors every day. I mop every other day. I am so physically exhausted from doing both of these things so frequently. It's not like I can skip it because I have this pile of dirt on my kitchen floor EVERY DAY. 

I tried to sweep it into a heart to boost morale. 

It didn't work. 

You guys. 

I'm not like I once was, I can't keep this up. I talk to people, explain how over it all I am and we're good for a day or two. Then people just stop and wait for me to lose it on them again. It's not a matter of just hiring someone, I literally cannot handle the stress of having someone in my house, touching my things. I just can't do it. I so badly want a one level home but the reality of that is that it isn't going to happen. I have to make what we've got work and I'm not kidding- I'm struggling. 

I am so, so grateful I have therapy on Monday. It feels like I haven't been there in forever and it's only been two weeks. 

Book Review: What If It's Us

I just need it on the official record that this? This is book 105 for the year. I have OFFICIALLY finished my Goodreads challenge for the year.

Don't be afraid to bring me cake or a gift. I'll accept either. Or both. Surprise me.

What If It's Us - Becky Albertalli

Arthur is only in New York for the summer, but if Broadway has taught him anything, it’s that the universe can deliver a showstopping romance when you least expect it.

Ben thinks the universe needs to mind its business. If the universe had his back, he wouldn’t be on his way to the post office carrying a box of his ex-boyfriend’s things.

But when Arthur and Ben meet-cute at the post office, what exactly does the universe have in store for them?

Maybe nothing. After all, they get separated.

Maybe everything. After all, they get reunited.

But what if they can’t quite nail a first date . . . or a second first date . . . or a third?

What if Arthur tries too hard to make it work . . . and Ben doesn’t try hard enough?

What if life really isn’t like a Broadway play?

But what if it is?

I am almost afraid to admit the next couple of things: I don't like Broadway plays (or any theater really) and I'm usually not a fan of LGBTQ books. 

Please don't hate me. 

I have to be clear it's not that I don't support the LGBTQ community, I absolutely do and I will fight for equal rights until my last day. It's just that in a book... it's not my thing. Just like historical anything puts me to sleep, and Jodi Picoult makes me want to throw a book into the dump personally (and Nicholas Sparks- fight me), and some paranormal stuff is just TOO weird, it's not my thing. 

BUT.

I actually kind of really liked this book. I really connected with Arthur right away because he's just so awkward and weird, he's literally everything that comes to mind when you think of an obviously gay young man. He's only in the city for the summer and he's not taking to it like he thought he would and he's losing touch with his friends back home. One accepts him for all that he is and the other (a guy) doesn't really and Arthur struggles a little bit with that and doesn't think his preference on who he is attracted to should come in the way of a long established friendship. He's just completely dorky and I liked him.

Ben is exactly the kind of kid I would expect to have lived in the city for awhile. He's a little bit jaded, has a little bit of a chip on his shoulder, and he definitely doesn't believe the universe is out to help him. He's fresh out of a relationship that he thought was rock solid but definitely wasn't and so he's trying to figure out what's next. He's also realizing that once his best friend (who is totally OK with him being gay) gets into a relationship, that means he's kind of on his own for awhile... but he doesn't really know how to be alone, alone.

I feel like the first couple of chapters set the book up for a really great story... but fell just a bit short. While the romance itself was kind of cute and it felt like you were with Arthur through the book (it felt more like I was with Arthur than Ben, even though Ben has his own POV chapters... it just never felt like you were connected with Ben) and you just want things to work out. You feel dedicated to finding "box boy" with him and wanting the universe to work for them. I will say... Arthur has some stalker-like tendencies, which is creepy. I don't care who you are, some of his tactics to finding "box boy" are kind of weird. But this book is full of drama coming from parents, friends, miscommunication, the universe, cultural and religious differences, and it's weaved together like a good YA book should be.

Overall, I really liked it. Having never read anything else by Becky Albertalli or Adam Silvera (I know, guys- I know I'm behind in the times. Don't throw things at me.), I wasn't really sure what to expect of this. I know some people say there are mentions of their other books and of course I missed all of those because I was clueless, but if you are a fan of theirs, you have that to enjoy in this book as well. I'm going to give this one a solid 4 starts because I did find myself laughing throughout and for every one thing I didn't like, there were two things I did like to make up for it... which gives the book a good, angsty feel to it.

   

We ran for our harvest! Just kidding, we walked. But we didn't DIE.

Remember a few months ago and I told you I was training for my first 5K since my AFE? Well I did really well that first month. I did alright the second month. I did absolutely nothing my third (and most crucial) month. I mean, I did NOTHING. No walking, no jogging, no exercise at all. I did nothing. 

Then I realized the 5K was THAT WEEKEND and I was (rightfully) a little bit worried. 

I mean, I was fairly confident I would finish. I have never, ever been picked up during a race and I was not about to start that tradition now. My fear was the condition in which I would cross that finish line. 

Thankfully, I had my friend Amy with me, and THANK GOD, because had I been alone.... that would have been a sad state of affairs. I know I would have cried. Alone, like a loser. I am pretty sure Amy was trying to keep me talking the whole way so I wouldn't be thinking of the fact we were dead last for most of the race. (Which thank god- because Amy is the best and I am so, SO glad she agreed to do this with me!!!) 

Morning of the race was actually pretty gorgeous out. It was chilly, like mid-30s, but it wasn't awful. If you kept moving it wasn't really that bad, but I am really glad I brought my mittens because I ended up wearing those the entire time. 

Duluth, you're so pretty. 

And you know it. 

The cool thing about this race is that it is almost totally along the shore of Lake Superior but in order to get to the start line, you ride the North Shore Scenic Railroad. It drops you off and you start walking. 

It was kind of cute because as we were pulling up to the starting line, this older couple were standing there waving and suddenly the guy starts running alongside the train!! It was a fun start to the morning for sure. 

This was us, pre-race. We ended up not talking one after the race but I kind of forgot which was probably for the best. Ha! 

Hilariously, once we got off the train we were walking at a pretty decent clip, feeling motivated and like we've got this. 

We got what would be a few city blocks down only to realize we hadn't even crossed the start line yet. 

That was kind of a morale killer. 

So once we got started for real, I felt like we were pulling a pretty good clip. I thought that surely we had some folks behind us and that would be fine. There was a guy, who I think had some disabilities of some kind because he had a guy with him who was motivating him. Telling him to go faster so he'd run a little while and this guy was just walking. Anyways, Amy realized this guy was using us as a pacer. Every time we caught up, he would have this guy run and so he'd take off. After awhile it got a little frustrating because that puts us dead last and by mile two I was starting to feel my morals take a dive and I decide that if we are pulling up to the finish and I see this guy, I'm willing to sprint and push people out of the way. I'm not coming in last. NOT TODAY, SATAN. 

Also by mile two I feel like my cortisol levels are taking a total nose dive and you know those old Energizer Bunny commercials where he starts to slow down and eventually stops? That is exactly what I feel like- it's like I can actually feel my ability to function slow down and then I just can't. I know I hung onto Amy at least once and I'm like- please god just let me finish this because I had enough people telling me this was stupid, I shouldn't be doing this race, I'm going to be sick, etc. Doctors and people who know me had been telling me variations of that for weeks. 

And justifiably so because I really hadn't done anything to show them that I think I actually can do this. 

But by about 2.5 miles in we pass the guy and his coach and I'm like.... if I can just keep this pace... I'll be OK. Granted, this pace is ridiculously slow. By the time I could see the finish line, I actually thought I was going to collapse. 

But we finished. 

I got excited knowing that guy was behind us so we didn't finish last. 

BUT. 

According to the website, her and I came in last for walkers. That guy must have registered as a runner. 

Obviously, that is my worst time for a 5K, for running or walking. 

BUT! 

I am trying really hard not to thinking about how far I've gone down in fitness but focusing on the fact I finished a 5K when everyone said I couldn't. I actually FINISHED. 

In the aftermath, I can't say that I've done a whole lot of fitness stuff, but I can say I'm honestly thinking about it more. I'm pumping myself up. I remember doing this before and that led me to losing a lot of weight, running 5K's regularly, and exercising a lot. So in my time of mentally preparing myself, I've been following Running Fat Chef online through her blog, Facebook, and Instagram and just really listening to what she's saying. It also made me reminisce about the time when I was really hard core about fitness and I did a Weightloss Challenge. Do any of you guys remember that? I only vaguely did but I know going back to watch all of my old vlogs was kind of hilarious, kind of made me cry because I miss that Sara a whole lot, but also made me feel like maybe I can do this again. 

So let's do this again. 

Go back and see my first vlog and we're going to kick this off. 

PS) You guys, it's taken all this time but I finally understand the accent you all say I have. I feel shame. I hate that I have an accent. GAH!! 

Book Review: The Doctor, the Chef, or the Fireman

A few months ago I read another book by Debbie Lum and I really kind of loved it, called I Can Handle Him. She reached out and asked if I wanted to read and review another of hers and I said sure. I am so glad I did because this was a great little read to fly through while I work my way out of my reading slump.

The Doctor, the Chef, or the Fireman - Debbie K. Lum

Kendra King ran away from her boyfriend so fast, she almost left her favorite Louis purse behind. Newly-minted doctor Christopher Randall had been the man of her dreams, until she uncovered his dangerous secret. 

Moving from Richmond, Virginia to nearby Cory City was easier for the 26-year-old than confronting her ex, and she busied herself with her new career. Soon, handsome fireman Matt Livingston softens her broken heart and life in Cory City looks as rosy as the flowers Matt sends her every week. Even daily breakfast at the local diner seems magical, and she quickly bonds with a misfit group of regulars including young chef Nolan Ford, who warms her soul with his blueberry pancakes and adorable southern smile. 

But when one of her new friends becomes suspiciously ill and scandal engulfs the fire department, Kendra sets out with Matt to prove his boss is crooked. She learns nothing in Cory City is as it seems and when her ex arrives in town, Kendra’s not sure who to trust. She begins to uncover the good, the bad and the ugly among the three men closest to her: the doctor, the chef and the fireman. And if she’s not careful, she might unleash the evil in one. 

I'll start by saying I'm giving this one 4.5 stars. I'm only knocking it down a bit because I wish we got a little more follow up with some of the characters at the end. I can't tell you who because it ruins it a bit. 

In this story we have Kendra who is fresh off a not so great relationship with the doctor. She's left him, moved into a new place and is starting over in a new town with a new job and soon, a new boyfriend. Immediately upon moving in she meets Matt, the firefighter. Attraction flies both ways and soon she finds herself in a fast paced romance with him. She discovers the local watering hole, Silver Spoons diner and see the chef's hot buns. Literally. Nolan is swoon worthy and can work a frying pan like nobody's business. BUT, she's with Matt right now so she's in a complicated space.

Soon things start unraveling. Her ex comes to town, her current boyfriend is trying to uncover possibly corrupt city leaders, and the chef is getting a little flirty with her. People in town are mysteriously getting sick and more and more evidence starts to pile up to prove Matt's theory right. But who is really behind all of this? Is the ex really the dirt bag she thought he was? Is Matt really the genuine guy she thinks he is? Is Nolan more than she thinks? You don't know and you're left guessing right to the end.

For being only 174 pages we get a lot of story, a lot of characters, and a sweet romance. If you are in the market for a romance without all of the sex (but implied sex) this is going to be your read. Perfect to throw into your purse and read between hauling kids to different activities, this book kept me glued to it and I flew through this in a day. No joke. I'm a fast reader anyways, but I wanted to know who the heck she picks!! Don't you dare cheat and skip to the end either, the unraveling of it all is the gem of this.