Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The time a bunch of tomatoes kicked my ass. True Story.

Once in awhile, I get all Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart/Susie Homemaker/with a dash of Mommy Dearest. I'm lucky enough that Matt can just take my random whims and go with it, only assisting when something gets critical and even then- he doesn't complain.

A lot.

This weekend was no different. See, Finny told me that you can make a chocolate cake with zucchini and you don't taste the vegetables. I have yet to try this because hey--I have a life all of a sudden-- but I? Am one step closer. Behold! This is what I managed to do with 10 zucchini thingies!
What? I should have had more than six cups of grated zucchini from 10 of those bastards? I would agree as well. I probably will the next time now that I realized I should grate into a fucking bowl thus preventing at least four cups of grated zucchini which is now plastered to various places in my kitchen. But these are frozen in my stand alone freezer ready to go. (Side note: I already feel more home-maker-y by having a stand alone freezer. And I would be lying if I said I'm not freezing things for no reason just so I can fill the bitch up.)

Another project that I decided to take on was home made tomato sauce. Because we have pasta? Seriously every weekend. I'm going through cans like you wouldn't believe. And I hate tomatoes so basically sauce is all I can think of for using the 6 pounds of tomatoes we had left over.

(and by "left over" I mean from the huge amounts of produce my inlaws brought us on Saturday. Pretty much everyone left our party with fresh produce because I just don't have that kind of time)

So after a few minutes of research I figured no asshole could possibly fuck up tomato sauce. SUPER easy. So I got started with skinning of them here 'maters.
Tell me these don't look kind of like testicles. Seriously- this is what I think a testicle would look like if it were all exposed.

Then I began the ridiculously long process of boiling them down to sauce. NOWHERE in all 17 tutorials that I read AND watched did it tell me exactly how much of my lifetime would be wasted on boiling these things down to sauce. Seriously. Once it got to the point where they were almost done you were supposed to blend them.

And I hate blending. I hate it. I have such a wonky blender that does it's own thing when it damn well pleases that I seriously should just throw it away. But I also have a food processor I've never used because I can't figure out how to hook it all up without food going everywhere. (Confession: I only asked for one because I was way into Food Network and felt like a loser without one.) So I transferred my sauce to the blender to blend.

And both kids were standing there watching mommy. Of course, I'm talking to them like they are a TV audience and I'm pretending I'm a food show host.

And then out of NOWHERE one of the kids bumps my leg. And then it happened.
Sauce went EVERYWHERE. I started screaming for Matt to help because for about 4 seconds I had sauce shooting to the ceiling, both kids were screaming, I was burned by hot sauce, but somehow I managed to turn off the blender.
Matt was really nice and cleaned the worst up while I laughed hysterically. You know- I do what I do. But then I got super angry. See?? I had my jars READY for sauce. And I spent the better part of my afternoon playing with look alike testicles and boiling these bastards down and all I have to show? Is a mess. Sauce in all of my cupboards (upper and lower), in my mixer, in my utensils holders, on the floor, on the ceiling, on the stove, and on me.

Fucking Betty Crocker fail.

I got my ass kicked by tomatoes. Which was bad enough. And then I saw this:

by my back door. Are you serious???????? *cry*

And I want it known that I still have a ton of zucchini, corn and yes, tomatoes in my front porch. *cry*

So folks--- do you know how to freeze corn niblets? Provide me instructions. (Preferably some I can't fuck up)

Do you have any recipes for zucchini that involved baked goods where I won't taste the zucchini?


Ang said...

Oh Sara, Sara, Sara! I seriously gave myself a gut ache from laughing at this.
At first I was all "oh this is ironic" because I had just been looking at my tomato plants thinking about making sauce (but I like mine chunky, so it's super painless to make)... then I kept reading. Too fricken funny lady.

____j said...

All I can say is that I wish I were in your position right now. I would totally be in heaven. I mean, the whole having tons and tons of vegetables part, not having tomatoes splattered all over my kitchen part.

AJsArts said...

Corn - Blanch the corn on the cob (2 minutes boil - transfer to ice bath) then cut the corn off the cob. I would measure it 1 CUP or 2 CUP bags freeze it.

Zucchini - cut and blanch it (same as above)

Tomato Sauce - I use food processor not my blender (I had a similar incident trying to make sweet potato biscuit, 2nd degree burns on my hand because of the steam - I am no Martha Stewart!) I would boil it down then dump it in the food processor.

Good Luck!
Amanda :)

Anonymous said...

Zucchini bread is the best thing ever!! You really can't mess it up and there are a ton of recipes on the web. Good luck and sorry about your mater's.


AJsArts said...

I have done it both ways soaked (10 minutes) and no soak. I prefer the no soak just rinse and blanch.

The Big Sister said...

You and Amber (my lil sis) are just too much alike...lol...I enjoy reading your Blog. Oh,Corn? Super easy...cut it right off the cob fresh and put it into freezer boxes. If you want creamier corn make sure to get all those good "corn squeezin's" Yum!Yum! I would invest in an electric carving knife...makes the job super fast and easy.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

My mom says she has a great recipe for zucchini bread that has been passed down in the family. I can get it from her and get it to you if you'd like. Text me and let me know!

Chicken said...

Hahaha it looks like you murdered a set of man nads in your kitchen! I would have no idea what to do with all of that corn! I'm thinking you could get kinky with a corn cob then there would be no need to freeze. Unless you wanted to rinse and re-use...and that's just sick.

justme5686 said...

Slice the zucchini up into thin rounds and fry them in beer batter. It'll taste like potato chips and be even less healthy :)

E said...

First, I am not really a cooker so I don't really have any cooking advice for you.

Second, yeah, that is kind of what testicles look like. I have an Animal Science degree and I have dissected a testicle or two (bull and boar) in my time. Only they are a light greyish pink color and way veinier (yeah that is totally a word).

MeredithDuck said...

You should totally buy this: http://www.pamperedchef.com/ordering/prod_details.tpc?prodId=26434&words=corn for cutting all of that corn off the cob. Otherwise you'll be finding that in weird places if you just use a knife. Those little suckers can fly.

Anonymous said...

Yum, tomatoes.

I am a freak for a fucking tomato girl!! And corn? Shit, now you are talking my language.

But zucchini....you can keep that shit.

Funny story though, great pictures!

Nicki said...

Oh Lord. They DO look like testicles.

And sure, you may not have jars upon jars of spaghetti sauce, but at least you got a great blog post out of it, right?

thotlady said...

We used to free corn after we removed it from the cob. But that was so long ago, I can't remember what the actual process was.

Sorry, I am no help at all, but it did bring back great memories for me. My mom used to can or freeze everything from our garden. We had a big stand up stainless steel freezer. Very nice, but heavy as all get out.

Good luck!

Another David said...

sometimes i think about making my own tomato sauce, but things like this are the reason i don't. mostly, i don't use sauce at all, i just use various herbs and spices.

Sadako said...

Oh my god. They DO look like testicles! I'll never look at tomatoes the same way again!