Monday, May 30, 2011

Assholes, Idiots, a loser Barnes & Noble employee and Jen Lancaster.

So, the whole point of our trip to Milwaukee was to go to the Jen Lancaster book signing. Two things: 1. I've never been to a book signing, so I figured it'd be fun to say I've experienced it, 2. I am a huge Jen Lancaster fan. I think I was one of the first people reading her books and have stuck with her through all the highs (Such a Pretty Fat) and the lows (Pretty in Plaid) and just think she is awesome. I think I like her so much because she reminds me a lot of me. I say stupid stuff, I pose dumb things on poor Matt (surely we all remember the cat raping incident?), and I like to spy on people.

We went to the book signing after our lunch at Frank's Diner. The signing started at 7 and it was in this huge Barnes & Noble inside of an even bigger mall. The guy at the customer service told us "if you want a seat, get here no later than 5. And buy your book before." So like good little citizens we are, we bought our books at 3:15, strolled around the mall to get me some caffeine and sat our asses down in seats at 3:30.

We sat there by ourselves until 6. Then people started milling in, but we had the best seats. We were second row, in front of Jen. So in hindsight, even though my ass hurt a lot afterwards, I'm glad we got good seats. But let's talk a minute about the people around us. First off, I will say the majority of people were really nice. Some talked to us, people were polite and asked if we had seats saved, we had a hearing impaired woman next to us with a nice interpreter, and so for the most part- people were nice.

My biggest pet peeve is with people who are late. I hate, hate, HATE late people. If you are late, please don't even fucking show up. I hate you that much. You aren't funny, you aren't cute, and if you look around- you are getting death glares. So when like 50 people showed up right at 7 and proceeded to stand along the bookshelves (meant to be a little pathway in case of a fucking fire so the rest of us could get out), I feel stabby. What also pisses me off is when people don't know when the fuck to shut up when someone is talking. When you have, let's say, Jen's ASSISTANT in front of the group giving you instructions on how to open your book for signing, shut the fuck up so we can get this done in an orderly fashion. So Amy and I ended up showing most of everyone around us what to do because they are stupid. And not to be rude- but even the deaf person paid attention and was following instructions.

But the kicker was this woman.
Not only does she come late, but along with everyone else who was late, she didn't have her book purchased. So instead of going to the table by the door with a TON of books available for purchase, she decides to just take one off the wall that's behind Jen. Totally fucks up the whole wall. Now, the person in front of us was so annoyed by this woman that she took a book from the bottom to fill in the hole at the top. So it was like this when Jen came:
It just irks me. And the woman in the hat genuinely couldn't figure out why the 40 of us sitting in seats and following directions would be irritated. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope her tires were flat when she went outside. It's just people like that who irritate me. Why do you have to be so rude? How are you that stupid? How can you not understand why approximately 40 people are giving you death stare?? The lady next to me (wearing a ridiculous fur jacket) said she felt like slapping her. Now, I didn't quite feel like slapping but I appreciated the fact it wasn't just me. Anyways.

So Jen came. And her husband Fletch (who initially got more applause than Jen). I've seen Fletch on her blog so I knew what he looked like, but he is exactly how I pictured his personality to be.

Jen read from her new book which is a novel instead of a memoir. I've not gotten to read the book yet but it's in my pile. It sounds hilarious.
This was Fletch's face when someone asked him a question about what Jen's like to live with. And I think he went on about how she's always nagging him and I thought his face was hilarious and priceless.
Had I really thought about it, I would have thought of some questions? I feel like I kind of know her already by reading all of the books and reading her blog frequently, so I didn't know what to ask. BUT Amy and I both made her laugh. One woman asked if Jen is looking to get more cats, and she replied with something like, eventually maybe? This woman was saying Jen could have her cat, and I'm like, "It's actually out in her car" and not only did everyone else laugh, but Jen did too. I'm just happy I didn't pee myself at that point?

 After the Q&A was the book signing part. That's when the loser Barnes & Noble employee comes in. She tells the crowd (keep in mind, the people sitting have been there since a little before 6 and we've been there since 3:30) that the "easiest" way for her to do this is to let the people standing (the super late and rude assholes) go first (Sara feels stabby) and then work our way from the back to the front. (Sara feels homicidal). Guess what that means, folks? That means Amy and I sat there until almost 10pm. The fucking mall and store were closing by the time we got to leave. Literally, I think we were the second to the last out.
But we got our books signed by Jen and Fletch. I have a terrible picture because despite the assistant saying she could work a camera, she doesn't know what "zoom" means. So yeah. Sad day. But.. we got it done. We did what we wanted on this trip so it was worth it. She's as funny in person as she is in her books. It makes me feel like that could be me eventually. And you people would come and wait hours for me, right?? :)

So tomorrow... I tell you about the last day of my trip. Which is a place called Bubs, Garvin Heights and the longest drive home ever.


Canadianbloggergirl said...

I've never been to a book signing either, now I want to go to one!


Julie H said...

Oh my gosh I'd be totally pissed too! Cool that you got to meet her and make her laugh though :)

Unknown said...

You have a lot more patience than I do. I would have talked to the manager, and/or written a scathing letter to B&N corporate. You're the first one there, you should be one of the first served.

I've been to conventions and booksignings before. This one would easily be categorized in the "Oh HELL naw!" section.

Holly Diane said...

Wow, after reading this I feel like I was sitting right there with you (glaring at the douchebags that came in late!) I hate when people come in late or cut in line and then get rewarded for it by some idiot!
Great post..glad you had fun. Thanks for sharing.

Steff said...

I'm mad just sitting here thinking about it, and having a picture of someone to hate? Even better! i would have been so mad I may have punched her in the face. Or at least said something super rude and witty to make her and the other to make her feel like an ass.

That's awesome that you got to go and meet her! I haven't read any of her books, but now I will. =D

____j said...

It definitely sounds fun, but I just don't think I could sit for that long. Especially when you said you guys had to wait until last to get your books signed. Totally lame. And you can totally tell from the picture that that girl is annoying. She just looks like she has d-bag behavior. Anyway, I'm gonna have to look into this lady's books. I like funny reads.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

clearly she was hiding a cornucopia of entitlement under that hat.

Ruth said...

At least in the picture you are not all fuzzy. Could you crop it to get more of a close up?
I do that when I want a closer shot than what I could get. Sometimes my zoom is pretty crappy and it works out best that way.
I'd be feeling pretty stabby myself.

Anonymous said...

You failed to mention I totally tripped and nearly fell over that bottle of wine that background ruining lady gave her. LOL said...

So...who is this Jen Lancaster person? Did she originally start blogging and then went on to write books? Or did she write books and then start blogging? I'm interested in knowing who she is now, dang it.

Dana said...

I know that feeling you had where you just hate everyone and everything around you. Glad you finally got your book signed despite how late it was. M and I went to a book signing once for Nando Parrado, the main guy in the book Alive. He is one of M's hero's and seriously wanted to travel to South America to visit him but instead we went 3 miles down the street to B&N to meet him. :)

Anonymous said...

Fun post! I've only read one Jen Lancaster book but I want to read more. And her blog is hilarious! Visiting from the Lady Blogger's Tea Party. I hope that lady in the hat sees this. Lol.

Art Chick said...

Found you at LBS...glad I did! This post was so funny. I hate late people. And I hate late people who with fugly hats even more. SMH Looking forward to following your blog.