Thursday, August 25, 2016

What is normal, anyways?

I'm trying desperately to get back to normal. The more I try, the less I know what that even is anymore. I'm really struggling with every day life and when people ask me what specifically, I can't even answer them.

I just don't know.

What I do know is that financially we're hurting. It's basically a miracle to have the GoFundMe account because Matt hasn't been working anywhere near his normal hours so his paychecks are basically non-existent and funny thing, your creditors kind of don't give a damn about your hardships or current life situation. We know we will have thousands in medical bills coming our way and that's actually really scary. I mean, what can you do? Make a payment plan and hope for the best, I suppose.

I went to the neurologist as scheduled and that was basically a waste of time and whatever the cost of that is going to be. She told me my brain is mostly good. I've got a weird spot she isn't concerned about but doesn't know what it is, she's "pretty confident" I'm not a stroke risk, but my pituitary gland is "shot". Which makes the appointment with endocrinology even more important. Thankfully, with the insistence of my OB, that got moved from mid-September to this Friday. In order to get ready for that, they wanted me to collect urine for 24 hours.

Which was mildly exciting because I had an actual job to do! That and it's going to be actual confirmation to everyone that I am peeing a ridiculous amount. It's really astounding because I had no idea my bladder could even hold 32 ounces of pee at once but IT CAN. In fact, it does it at almost every pee break which is anywhere from 30-60 minutes. That and I am excessively thirsty, which I'm told is also a weird pituitary gland thing so I am really hopefully that Friday's appointment is like... the best thing I have ever gone to. At this point, I am up in the night more than Lucy.

Which isn't saying a whole lot because as it turns out, Lucy has a thing against sleeping on her back while not being held. That's been exciting.

Also on the docket is I have an appointment today (Thursday) with a new general practitioner. My current one is in in a city thirty minutes away and my delivery and surgery team think I need someone new and closer, so they got me in with someone at the clinic my kids go to, which is two miles from my home. I could actually walk there if I felt so inclined.

I'm not.

But that's tomorrow and frankly, I don't know what the point of it is, really. I hate going to the appointments because they ask me questions like, "how do you feel?" and it's like- I don't know? Like, I feel alright I guess. My insides hurt, I have depression and anxiety, I'm exhausted, but I'm also incredibly angry and frustrated at myself, at my body, at the world. Basically, Lexapro isn't cutting it, I'm sick of being treated like a baby but I know I'm not capable of being on my own, I want to leave the house alone, but that also feels exhausting, and I've never felt more helpless in my entire life. So.. that kind of sums it up.

Fix me.

But I should also talk about Penelope and her adjustment, because while I'm quietly falling apart on the inside, this little bright light is doing a great job as a big sister. When Lucy cries, Penelope will either be the quiet observer or she panics and doesn't know what to do because it scares her. She is very interested in handing me things the baby needs, will rub her head, and generally pretty good when we have to take care of the baby before her for something. Right now she still has Olivia and Jackson to play with so I'm curious to see how she does when it's mostly the three of us. Well, my mom has been here every day with us (thank god), but I don't know how much longer she wants to do that.  But it's been the best. My mom knows when to push me, when not to, she knows my bouts of silence are OK and doesn't constantly ask what she can do, she just does it. And she does everything the way I do it so it's never frustrating. I never feel like I'm being babysat. And there have been times where I just vent to her and she just gets it. Even when she doesn't, she at least makes me feel like I'm not actually crazy. 
So it's been hard. I don't know what normal is. I feel like I'm so far off the track of normal I might never get there. I'm so frustrated. I don't know what I need to get better, or what would help (aside from the lottery... I'm convinced a large windfall would be helpful), and I just want to be better. One friend said I probably need counseling for PTSD. And that's probably true. I have all of this frustration, and sadness, around Lucy's birth and I need to deal with it. But then I feel like such a whiny baby because I have a perfect baby and I didn't die after all. But now I get what people say when it fucks them up to almost die. It's a bizarre situation to be in. How do you even deal with that?


Mattie @ Northwest Native said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Glad your mom has been able to help out, though! And hoping for lots of progress at your appointment tomorrow!

The Flynnigans said...

Oh Sara... I wish there was something I could do or say to make this all better, or erase the last few weeks and have a do-over. I wish I lived closer so I could at least try to help you out instead of feeling useless writing words that don't help.... Big hugs sweetheart, love you so much momma. Im glad your mom has been by your side, and of course Matt. *sigh*

The vagueness of your neurologist, like wtf is that?!

Good luck tomorrow xoxo

Ruth said...

My husband makes $8 an hour less then he did 5 years ago, but my mortgage company says we can afford our payment. Even after filling out paperwork showing bills. So, we are just holding on until the truck gets paid off at the end of the year.
A year ago, I got an as yet unconfirmed diagnosis of ankylosing spondylitis. Meaning I have all the symptoms but things haven't progressed enough to show on x-ray. I can't do what I could do even a few years ago.
You are not the same and you get to the mourn the fact that you aren't. Some people will get it and some won't.
Three years ago my father in law almost died. Somehow he made it through and he remembers none of it. The VA made him see a psychiatrist for PTSD.

LitPark said...

You've got people all over (and here in New York) pulling for you. What a beating your body has taken. And your psyche. Give yourself permission to be sad, moody, out of it. Let people step in while you recover. I'm glad you and your baby pulled through this. But don't kid yourself that you can be peppy and energetic and fully-engaged right away. It's like you're coming home from war. xo

Julie H said...

I wish I had answers for you but I just have hugs! I hope things start looking up for you soon.