Day 6: Johns Pass and our last beach day

When Matt and I got married, we didn't have a lot of money and so we didn't get to go on a fabulous honeymoon to an exotic destination. Instead, we went to Madeira Beach and it was pretty great in the end. We've taken the kids there before, but we wanted to spend the morning of our last full day at the place Matt and I spent a bunch of time- Johns Pass.

You can tell Penelope and Lucy were super not thrilled, right? Olivia and Jackson were excited because they had gotten some money from their grandma to spend on souvenirs so we told them today was the day to spend away. So we got there just as shops were opening and we had a great time going in and out of them. They each bought a shell they liked and I bought a sand dollar Christmas ornament for our tree this year.

The littles hated shopping on the boardwalk. By this point it was getting so warm so Matt wanted to look for a hat and we found an actual hat shop, so we stopped in. Matt didn't find one, but the kids did! 

Olivia got fitted for hers and basically spent all of her money on just the hat. Jackson found just a regular ol' ball cap and he was excited about. We went for lunch and they had fancy drinks with umbrellas. 

Afterwards I was so warm so we started walking back to the van to go and Jackson saw a sign for this alligator thing. I had no idea how badly he wanted to see an alligator on our trip, and I was going to just go but he started to tear up and I just... I couldn't. I had to at least see how much it was going to cost to see the alligators.  

So we took the elevator upstairs and this kid was SO excited.

No, I'm serious. He was SO EXCITED. The rest of us... meh.

We go in and it's a bizarre little thing. It was going to cost us around $25 for us all to see the gators and despite Matt's eye roll, we went in.

Penelope didn't know what the hell was going on but she sees fencing and she's trying to figure out how she can get in.

The place is like one big room with gators in various containment areas. They also have a room with a couple of fish tanks, and then another room with a few more tanks with lizards. Overall it's a total tourist trap.

You know who didn't care? This kid. This kid was in his glory.

 Lucy was a good sport and mostly sucked on her feet while we went from area to area.

I thought it would be cute to get Penelope's picture next to this tortoise and she was fine but it moved just a bit and she was over it and got back in the stroller.

Then Jackson saw it- the sign saying you could hold an alligator. Oh, but for an additional fee, of course! I looked at Matt and said we're in this far, we have to let the boy hold a gator. So I forked over the last $10 I had and my boy held a gator.

Do you see his face?

That boy was so happy.

So we were there and we told him he had to kiss the gator and he didn't even flinch!

Not for a second! Seriously! I couldn't believe it! That concluded our visit but we had to wait for him because he wanted to buy himself an alligator tooth necklace, to go with the shark tooth necklace he bought earlier. He was so happy.

We decided to head back to the condo and take a nap and we told the kids we would do one last visit to the beach that evening, hoping that the heat and humidity wouldn't get to me this time.

Penelope and Lucy were pretty happy about this.

Olivia and Jackson were, too. They found a book about shells in our condo so they made it their mission to look for shells mostly.

Penelope was all about it and kept asking me to take her picture.

Lucy found this chunk of tree and was obsessed with it. She held onto it and crawled around with it, brought it to me a few times.

We had a great time at the beach and we had such a hard time leaving knowing that was it. The kids were pretty bummed.

That night I packed as much of our stuff as I could. I got the kids to bed and I was so worried about the drive home. By this point I had been weaning off my Topamax and I wasn't feeling great. I could tell my depression was coming back, but so was my anxiety and panic attacks. I had a panic attack in the bathroom while taking a shower just thinking about the drive was scaring the crap out of me and there was no reason for it- we drove and got there, we can certainly drive and get home. Combine that with not being ready to go home and feeling... so sad.

I was sad for myself, I was sad for my kids, I was sad for Matt, and I just cried. I cried for so long in that shower and I got so angry because I am so frustrated that after a year of busting my ass off in therapy, of diligently going to every doctor and my psychiatrist, I feel no better. I'm still in this awful, dark place and I'm so angry. I don't know why I'm stuck and why I can't get better.

But I keep trying. I don't know why. But I do because I don't have any other plan right now.